Why is it we’re so loathe to accept the darker side of our personalities? I am impulsive, impatient and impassioned. These are not my only character flaws, but it serves as a sampling. This weekend I spent more than I had budgeted, I ate more than my hunger warranted, and I got angry when things didn’t go my way. I don’t like when I feel those feelings, so I then deflect them onto others. I felt all that while away this weekend and when I got home, happy to be home, Emma was ensconced in front of the TV, and Larry was busy doing laundry. I had missed them and longed for them to greet me with joy, especially after the traffic getting home from the airport.
They were busy living life when I interrupted them. But I was tired, and wanted some attention. I got attention, but it wasn’t the attention I wanted. It was conflictual. They would have been happy to go about doing what they were doing, but I provoked them, and then I had to deal with the upset.
I’m not proud to tell you this. I would like to share wonder and light. However, this is the messy deal with life. We behave in ways in which we are not proud. And, we have to make repairs given the upset we create in ourselves and others. I was able to work through some of my unfulfilled expectations, and Larry and Emma were amenable to engage in my self-indulgent confession and apology.
Facebook and other social media give partial glimpses into our lives. And, they often sound more glamorous than everyday life. Whatever wonderful moments we share with pictures and captions, we leave out the messier times.
Tonight I had to learn, once again, that I can ask for what I want. I didn’t this evening, but I’m one upset closer to asking for it next time. Or, if not then, perhaps the time after that And, then maybe I’ll find other ways to express the impulsivity, impatience and impassions. I don’t think I can rid myself of my flaws. Nor do I have to pretend I’ve totally embraced my imperfections. At this point, I’m willing to admit to them and to work on listening when they show up.
All we can do is keep trying to be our better selves. Thank you for posting this, Janet.
Every day, little by litte, I’m a little kinder to myself and a little stronger. You’re a great inspiration to me, always have been, always will be. I am so grateful that you are so generous with yourself! Keep on writing please!