The Compassion Diet, Week Fifty-Two in the New Abnormal

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Should we end this year and start the new year with resolutions?  For me, the answer is no.  I will think of what I’d like to let go of, and how I will be caring to myself and others, but there is no declaration in that.  What I have been thinking about as I view commercials and advertisements enticing us to try new weight loss pills and programs is the mixed up past I, and so many of us, have had with messaging around food, eating, and the lack of joy in caring for ourselves.  In the spirit of that, I am thinking of a diet of compassion.  Not a food diet, but nourishment, nonetheless.  

When looking up the word diet, I found the restriction in its definition.  But I also found that the origin of the word “diet” comes from the Greek word “diata” meaning “way of life.”  I like that.  We can incorporate compassion as a way of life.  It’s a wonderful concept because it addresses all aspects of our lives.  And, on this diet of compassion, we could bring compassion at any moment.  If we find we’re being hard on ourselves, we can notice that.  Then we can fold in compassion as a way of care as we go through something difficult.  

Compassion connotes respect.  It is a way of acknowledging ourselves and others that we recognize something may be difficult.  We see that we and/or they are in pain, and we take a caring stance.  It does not mean allowing a hurtful behavior to continue.  But we can appreciate that whether we are being insensitive to ourselves or others, it probably means we are hurting, and our behavior can clue us in on that.  Once we make note of that we can insert a generous dose of compassion.  It may take time and the courage of vulnerability, but we will emotionally soften with the effort.  And when others are mean, rude, disrespectful, or uncaring, we can do our best to choose to get out of harm’s way. If possible, as we exercise silent compassion for the pain they are in.  We can also, double down on compassion for ourselves for being in harm’s way.  

So, as we finish this difficult year off, and as we begin what we hope will be a gentler year, let’s all enjoy a diet of compassion.  No deprivation, just love and respect.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Create a jar or a box or a journal in which you write down good times, happy experiences, and joyous moments.  Then, you have a record of those times at the end of 2023.  (This was taken from The New York Times’ where it was reported Martha Johnson of Maryland Heights, Mo., had the idea to create a jar labeled “Good Stuff in 2022. 
  • Keep an old-fashioned pen and pad by your bed so if you wake up and think of something, or forgot something, you can write it down, allowing you to return to sleep without any blue light.  
  • Move one thing from your to-do list to the “I’ll try to-do list.”  This way you can ease into it, and give yourself a break, rather than forcing something that only makes you feel critical of yourself.  Of course, whether you can move it or not, whether you get it done, or not, be compassionate with yourself.  That, too, will be a kindness.  

City Blooms, Week Seventeen in the New Abnormal

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A three-minute walk from our apartment stands a small lone cherry blossom tree.  It’s located behind a dull brick building.    On this seemingly empty city block the tree feels like a sign of hope.  Hope that beauty can hold up in the face of asphalt and concrete.    

As I walked on, I saw so many volunteers planting bulbs, clearing paths, and cleaning up both Carl Shurz and Central Parks.  There is a friendly buzz among the volunteers as they give of their time and dedication to bring natural beauty to our city.  

I am so grateful for the rare flowering tree on the curb side of the sidewalk.  And how enchanting it is to walk through the parks and gardens that provide an abundance of natural splendor.   The garden boxes on windows and the landscapes of certain buildings also provide color to our lives.  

The city in springtime is a panoply of beauty, we just have to look to take in these delightful seasonal palates.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When outside, see if you can find and focus on new blooms.  Notice how it feels to purposely take notice of what may have been background previously.
  • Bring flowers into your home.  Do you like potted flowers or cut, or both?  Where do you like to put them?  
  • Find inspiration from this season.  What might you enjoy now that’s different from other times of the year?    

On Repeat, Week Sixteen in the New Abnormal

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Life isn’t linear.  I had always hoped I’d solve what I considered to be my problems, and then live a quality life.  The truth is that we revisit issues time and time again.  Even when we think we’ve beat it, it will show up unexpectedly.  Perhaps it’s why the movie Groundhog’s Day resonates for so many of us.  

We are trained early to think that we’ve failed if we have to repeat lessons.  In school if we fail a grade, it must be repeated.   We are not taught that relearning is nothing shameful.  It would be much more helpful should we be told that repeating grades can be as useful as moving ahead.  Can we learn that somethings bear repeating?  

I have a difficult time learning steps.  Dance classes did not come easily.  I much prefer workouts that don’t include dancing.  Yet, I love dancing on my own, when I can move my body to the music.  In some cases, not on the beat, but with the mood rather than the tempo, I feel joyous.  That joy is robbed when specific steps are introduced.  I go into my head and my physical attunement goes out the door.  

That doesn’t stop me from trying to learn.  Luckily at this age I can laugh at my difficulties, at least as far as dancing is concerned. Of course, there are other lessons that I continue to struggle with, even if I understand what might help make it easier.  

I put together a Seder for our small family.  I didn’t over prepare.  And I kept telling myself that I should write a list.  I never did.  I had forgotten to open the horseradish, which I then couldn’t find.  I looked everywhere in the refrigerator.  Larry kindly volunteered to go out and get a new jar.  He had to walk a few blocks since we don’t live close to a food store.  This all happened when we were about to begin our short Seder.  During clean-up we found the horseradish on the counter where I left it to open it before the meal.  Also, the spinach remained in the oven forgetting that, too.  

It all worked out. We enjoyed the spinach yesterday.  But I know myself. Through the years I’ve come to find that I am well-served keeping lists.  Yet I refused to create one for Passover.  The forgotten foods were a needed reminder that lists help me.  

I will continue to face issues, big and small, that seemingly repeat again and again.  While I used to berate myself for what I could or “should” know., now I am grateful that I can learn from ostensibly familiar mistakes. It may seem like the same old issue, but it is new in this never lived before time and space.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Try something that might seem difficult for you.  See how it feels.  Follow it by something that seems easy, and compare the sensations you experience, and the emotional response to what comes easy as opposed to what is more challenging. 
  • Keep lists if you like.  They are a terrific tool.  It feels gratifying to cross thigs off your list as you complete them

When faced with a familiar life lesson, keep it in the present.  In the same way you have never breathed that breath before, see if you can be in the moment with something that tends to take your mind into the past.  Notice what is new or different in this 

Two Years of a Coronavirus World, Week Eleven of the New Abnormal

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We just hit the two-year anniversary when our lives changed in unimaginable ways. At least most of us never imagined this.  Although I had plenty of professional experience doing trauma work, that usually meant implementing tools to get through a time-limited traumatic event.  We could count on the passage of time to dull the immediate impact of the trauma.  This was much different.  We had to live through uncertainty and constant change while continuing to navigate other, more personal hardships. 

We found out we are resilient.  We faced our vulnerabilities.  There was acting out.  And there were multitudes of kindnesses.  Relationships were under a microscope. We lost friends and disconnected with family members.   New friendships were forged.  Old friendships were rekindled.  More often than not, differences were highlighted.  We experienced division.  For some heartier individuals we worked through differences to find connection.  In other cases, it was apparent hard work would not bridge the divide.  

As for me, I am tired and grateful.  The last two years wore me down.  I also found unexpected gifts through walking, conversations, posts, and streaming.  Life feels more precious, if also more tenuous.  Spending less time with distractions it’s easy for me to see areas in need of growth.  I can also better recognize a well-honed habit of self-criticism.  I had thought I was further along on my spiritual journey.  I was arrogant enough to think I actually knew what that looked like.  But I am here, now, and it looks like this.  Thank you for your part in accompanying me in this journey. I also appreciate you welcoming me on your journey.  For my part, I couldn’t have done this alone.  

Self-Care Tips

  • Be sure to thank those who have supported you.  We all appreciate being thanked.  
  • Smile when you feel inclined.  We have missed smiles with masks on.  And, if you are wearing a mask, smile.  Remember, a true smile is in the eyes.  Let that warmth melt someone else’s pain.  
  • Review what lessons you’ve learned or how you’ve grown in the past two years.  It’s important to acknowledge what you’ve been through.  

The Winter of Our Discontent, Week Seven in the New Abnormal

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 The weather these past few days lightened our moods.  With colder temperatures and snow today we may slip back to a shared discontentment.  A week ago the general agitation was palpable.  Wide-ranging reactivity was pronounced.  Small misunderstandings caused friction.  And this was among strangers.  Relationships have been strained.  Most are not able to keep up with inflation. Families are under-resourced, overly tired, and living with ongoing exasperation.  Those who live on their own have bouts of loneliness, especially because the difficulty in getting together with others while Omicron was at its height kept socializing at bay.

Distress seems to be the mood of the moment.  It’s been tiresome to put plans on hold again and again.  Reactivity is at an all-time high.  Patience is worn thin.  Frustration and annoyance are way too common.  So many are at their wit’s end trying to figure out a way ahead.  

For a good number there is a relief that the mask mandates have loosened.  For others it adds a new layer of fear. There’s the fantasy that we’ll get back to normal.  But we are not going back in many ways.  Whatever is ahead of us remains to be seen. And that can be scary.  

Though it may take a good amount of time to recover physically and emotionally from all we lost these last couple of years, we can find pockets of hope and joy in the present.  Yesterday I was helped by a thoughtful salesperson at a hardware store.  In a time when customer tolerance is more prevalent than customer service, his assistance brightened my day.  Smiles from strangers have taken on a new worth.  And the unexpected generosity of friends has been priceless.  I will be taking in any and all acts of kindness Now more than ever those moments provide the light that moves us forward.  

Self-Care Tips: 

  • Rub your hands together until you create heat, then gently place them on your eyes.  This can provide a soothing moment. 
  • Sing yourself a lullaby at night to lovingly put yourself to sleep.  
  • Try a new toothpaste.  It will help awaken you in the morning since it’s an unfamiliar flavor.  

So Long 2021, Week 35 in the Time of Transition

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2021 was so, so long.  In this last week I have little interest in reviewing this past year.  The fact that I, that we, got through it is good enough for me.  

The good news is that not looking back, at least for now, keeps me in the moment.  My quandary is whether I‘ve chosen mindfulness or denial. If I choose mindfulness, then there’s space for my denial. If I go with a state of denial, then who cares?  I will not decide.  I will opt for a “both/and” rather than an “either/or” scenario.  

The effort that goes into a binary dilemma is too great.  We spend so much attention making an argument for our point of view.  The more I defend a specific position I take, the less likely I am to learn something new.  

So long, 2021.  I will not miss you.  I appreciate much from this past year.  Larry and I moved to a nicer home.  We didn’t know we could do it, yet here we are. I continue to enjoy a hybrid private practice, in-person and virtually.  365 sunrises and sunsets made for beautiful light.  Being in touch with friends and family, when possible, brought love and laughter.  Reading new essays, books, and articles enriched me.  Not finishing books, no matter how highly praised by critics, was pure relief.  And daily walks always expanded my vision.  For those and many other gifts I am grateful.  

However, having to reach to our depths to get through a full year of the pandemic unnerved most of us. Our tempers were shorter, our patience wanting. We are at the final stretch.  It’s less than a week until we ring in the new year.   For me it will be less of a new beginning than it will be a step forward.  Another step into the unknown.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Take the pressure off New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day.  If you have plans have fun and stay safe.  If you don’t have plans, enjoy the simplicity of staying in.  
  • Rather than making New Year’s resolutions, think of what you might like to let go of.  
  • Regift.  If what you received isn’t for you for any reason, find those around you who would appreciate it.  Or donate.  Either way, it’s a win-win.  

Generosity of Spirit, Week 34 in the Time of Transition

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I always thought I was a generous person.  Then I got married and I came to realize that I was only generous in certain circumstances.  If something was my idea, great, I was happy to offer services, a gift, or lend an ear.  However, if asked, I found I could be withholding.  Somehow I felt being asked for something implied I was stingy.  And I was.  Sometimes I still am.  Apparently a generous heart is not a one way endeavor. 

I started to notice that “no” was my immediate response when asked for something.  I had to learn to pause to see why.  I didn’t like this stingy quality and wanted to do better. What I found was that I had often volunteered or ignored my needs to give in ways that more often than not were a sacrifice.  I ignored my own needs to unconsciously gain acceptance from others.  Once I stopped giving in those instances I had more room to give of myself at other times.    I felt less resentful, less parsimonious.

Holidays often highlight our generosity or lack thereof.  If we’re motivated by a giving heart, we will feel the joy of the season.  If we receive with a generous spirit, we take in so much more than the gift at hand.  And, yet we’ve been through a lot.  Having foregone so much, with more closures happening at present, we might feel particularly challenged to access our generous spirit.  

As we traverse the Omicron variant surge, let’s do our best to open our hearts to one another.  We’re in for a bumpy ride.  I’m going to do my best in finding the humanity for those who make me bristle.  I will be testing myself.  Do I have the grace to live and let live?  Or will I be judging others?  Seething through a tight jaw.  

I don’t know what will show up when I’m stressed or down.  But I’ll use my reactions as measures of what I might need in terms of grace.  And, then I’ll do what I can to have patience as I move through the end of this difficult year into a new year in which living in the spirit of generosity will serve me more than holding on.  

As we open ourselves up to the many gifts in life, may we all benefit from the act of giving and receiving.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Send thank you notes.  It means so much to those who give to us to know that the gift was received in the spirit of generosity
  • Stay within your budget.  It can feel challenging to not overspend.  Remember that an act of love can mean so much more than a boxed gift paid on credit.  
  • Regift to places that accept new items for those who might have lost so much.  Some places you might consider are domestic abuse shelters, tornado victims, emergency immigrant centers. 

Funny Thing About Gratitude, Week 26 in the Time of Transition

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I find it incredibly annoying when I’m upset about a person, place, or thing, I’m on a rant, and the individual listening responds by telling me I should be grateful.  It feels like a dismissal of my complaint, valid or not, and a recommendation that I pivot to a “soft music inserted here” blissful moment when I see how lovely life is and how wrong I was to find the awful in this grand world we inhabit.  

I see the benefits of complaining.  I find it helps me to release my frustration, as well as other unpleasant emotions, so that I can find that blissful place on my own.  I am all for being inspired, but I am not a fan of skipping the messy parts so that I make it easier for someone else.  

Conversely, in moments of awe and wonder I enjoy the wave of gratitude that envelops me.  And, in times when I experience hardship and my family, friends, acquaintances and/or strangers offer their support, I am forever grateful.  Kindness is taken in and helps me to grow.  My heart softens.  

When I listen to award shows, I feel badly for the winners who only want to share their special moment by acknowledging the countless others who allowed them to reach that stage, but the orchestra music plays to interrupt them.  Though I won’t name names here, only because I am apt to miss some, I am forever grateful to my relatives, friends, teachers, mentors, therapists, co-workers, colleagues, classmates, and others who have shared their thoughtfulness.  It has inspired me.  Their acts of kindnesses have been invaluable whether they remember them or not.  

So, if for a short time I complain, it is only so that I can unload on my own terms, allowing me to get back to a place in which I am genuinely grateful for all the times I’ve been the recipient of your and others’ generosity of heart.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Find a person to whom you can share your complaints.  In the absence of a neutral listener, write down your complaints so they are not swimming in circles in your brain.  
  • Remember times in which you were the recipient of arbitrary kindness.  Check in with how it feels to recollect that time.  
  • Write a thank you note.  We have lost that art, and they are so appreciated.  

Getting Away, Week 23 in the Time of Coronavirus

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Sometimes we just need to get away.  It helps to clear our heads and take a break from day-to-day stress.  That’s exactly what we did this weekend. It’s been a long time coming.  I booked this trip before the pandemic shut down our world.  I rebooked three times in the hope that quarantines were a temporary inconvenience.  In the end we had to wait until the Canadian borders opened up for the fully vaccinated. 

I was nervous to take my first big trip out of the country.  But I also wanted a proper vacation.  It felt like I needed a proper vacation.  So here we are in Quebec City fully enjoying the hospitality and food that is offered with care.  

The joy of walking unfamiliar streets and seeing the colors change on the trees has proven to be just the break I needed.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Take a break.  If you can’t get away, give yourself quick moments throughout the day when you take 5 deep breaths for a short pause.
  • Start taking note of the colors changing on the trees.  What colors do you like the most?  Which trees look as if they’re ablaze?  Enjoy he richness of the season.  
  • Savor the natural foods of the season.  Whether you like all things pumpkin, or you’re an apple fan, the flavors of fall offer so much.  

Singing in the Park, Week 21 in the Time of Transition

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As a young child I delighted in our Magnavox HiFi.  I would sit on the scratchy green wool sofa in our den while listening to Rosemary Clooney.  Her album, Rosemary Clooney Sings for Children with its pink background was a clear favorite.  I loved the track, Betsy, My Paper Doll, because I was the lucky recipient of the Betsy McCall paper dolls hidden in the pages of my mother’s McCall’s Magazine.  The other song that spoke to me was The Little Shoemaker because my father was in the shoe business.  At six, it felt like Rosemary Clooney was singing to me personally.  I hadn’t realized Rosemary Clooney was an icon until years later when I watched her sing with Bing Crosby in White Christmas on the Sunday Million Dollar Movie. 

Recently I was reminded of that album while walking in Central and Carl Shurz Parks in this time of transition.  On the grass are one- and two year-olds in a safely distanced semi-circle with their caregivers listening to Broadway level singers shaking egg instruments and leading the children in song.  They are singing their hearts out to their young audiences who may or may not be singing along.  Each performer grateful for any gig as theater crawls back from being dark.  

How fortunate I was to have enjoyed the musical styling of a great songstress.  And, how lucky these toddlers are to meet up with some of the best singers from around the country. It’s not clear if it’s simply a part of their activity schedule or if the family values the influence of music in our lives.  Either way, I appreciate walking past them remembering the simple touch of my mother’s hand when placing the needle gently on the spinning album even when I asked to hear it again and again. 

In addition to Rosemary Clooney, I heard Lena Horne, Harry Belafonte, Ray Charles, Bobby Darin, Julie Andrews, Judy Garland, and many more who allude my memory, crooning through our oak HiFi.  On Sundays we listened to opera on the classical radio station.  That’s when my grandparents visited. We all sat quietly on the same itchy green sofa or love seat.  If we couldn’t be quiet, we had to go play in the basement.  I favored Puccini and Mozart.  The songs felt pretty to me.  But not having an album cover to attempt to read was a limitation that had me go to the basement after an aria or two.  

I’m not listening to enough music these days.  It’s time to open-up iTunes and delight in Rosemary Clooney and friends.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Play music you used to enjoy.  Take in the memories and notice how the songs and music impact you now
  • Take a walk and see what associations you conjure.  What recollections come to mind?
  • Create new memories by sharing music with someone you respect.  If possible, listen together.  If you can’t, you can enjoy the association with the music. 

Goodbye Grouchiness, The Twenty-Second Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I noticed that by the end of my work week I was short on compassion.  My go to was frustration, impatience, or barely disguised anger.  It was simple things. I was missing paperwork that had been promised me.  A pair of reading glasses broke.  Or it was a string of simple annoyances.  

I thoughtfully ordered a huge container of white vinegar and a large box of kosher salt to minimize the growth of bamboo, an invasive species, from our garden.  I was already annoyed that our neighbor’s bamboo had crept into our plot of land.  And I was aggravated that the two separate (un)handy people did a poor job of weeding out the bamboo.  But now the very heavy package was not delivered to my office but was left at the post office for me to pick up.  I was complaining about this to a friend while walking, and she listened without judgement, making me smile even while I was grumpy.  

I went to retrieve the box, first having to stop by my office to get a cart to roll there.  I don’t love the look of me dragging the blue covered shopping cart on city streets, but I am relieved to be old enough not to care as much about what I may look like.  I got to the post office, and only had to wait briefly for the postal rep.  I presented my printed paperwork since there was no notice left on my door, only an email telling me my package was not delivered.  

She gave me a knowing smile and told me that my package was not there.  It was at another post office. I showed her the email stating that it was delivered to her location.  Her next smile was kinder, and in a gentle voice, as she clearly saw that I needed cautious handling, she explained that this was a regular occurrence, and she was sorry.  My frustration melted slightly by her kind demeanor, and I went on my way, rolling the cart on the bumpy New York sidewalks until I reached the next post office. 

The lines were long.  I wanted to groan audibly, but I stopped myself.  I decided to stay, cleaning up email inbox while I waited impatiently.  When I finally got to the counter I was again greeted by a friendly representative.  She was happy because it was her last day.  She recognized my name because my large and heavy box was damaged.  I girded myself for the worst.  But when I got the box, yes it was crushed, but the cargo was not damaged, and I could take it back to my garden to rid myself of the pesky bamboo. 

Since I had the cart, and surprisingly there was still room in it, I stopped by the grocery store to replace a few items.  And what started out as an inconvenient and annoying chore turned into an appreciation for how easily kindness and happiness shared can shift my mood.    My irritability is a good indication that I’m ready for a vacation, which I will be taking this week.  Yet, I am pleased that I am not so attached to my anger and frustration that the kindness of a friend or a stranger can’t turn around my mood.  

When I’m tired or burnt out it’s so easy to get irritated.  Just as negativity is contagious, so is thoughtfulness and joy.  I will do my best when feeling less depleted to be considerate of others.  Maybe, they too, don’t have to let a bad mood become a bad day.  

Self-Care Tools:

  • If you’re tired or upset or both seek out kindness.  It could be a worker, a friend, or a stranger who can uplift you with a kind word, a smile, or light humor.  
  • If you’re in a good mood, share it.  Be generous, it’s free to share happiness.  And it multiplies your joy. 
  • Replenish daily items that make life a little easier, whether it’s a mini hand sanitizer, a pen & pad, emery boards, wipes or tissues.  Having these supplies in your bag or close by make life a touch easier.  

Train Delay, The Twenty-First Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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The Q train came to a halting stop.  An announcement immediately came on asking “Who pulled the emergency cord?”  At the end of our car, a good citizen thinking there was a request to pull the cord, got up from her seat, pulled the cord, even as the train stood idle.  She sat back down returning to her book.  A hardcover, old school, though she looked barely 25.  

I was slightly annoyed to have my short trip home delayed.  We were in-between the Union Square and 34thStreet stops.  The tunnel between the stops is a mile of tracks and darkness.  The lights were on in the train.  As I looked around I saw eyes meeting strangers’ eyes, a rare occurrence in the subway.  Seated neighbors started to talk.  I remained quiet, looking to see if anyone was panicking.  Surprisingly, everyone was in a good mood and remained calm.  Perhaps that had more to do with it being 9:30 pm on a Friday night, the start of a three-day weekend.  

A seasoned older gentleman, well, probably no older than me, was reassuring a group of tourists that he had been through this before and we’d get through this.  Others mentioned this had never happened to them before.  Personally, I couldn’t remember a time the emergency brake was pulled on a train.  I’d been delayed in my 42 years traveling underground, but this was new for me.  

I looked to see that my phone battery was full, settling in to read downloaded articles.  I barely finished the first short read when an announcement proclaimed we would be starting shortly.  I assumed the vague phrase meant something different to the crew than to us passengers.  However, within three minutes, around fifteen minutes in total, we were again on our way. 

It was a meaningful quarter hour.  Strangers supported one another.  Everyone remained composed, and we all clapped when the train moved forward.  Rather than ruining a terrific evening, it elevated my night, giving me hope.  Witnessing this sliver of kindness and respect reassured me in a city that is known by many as dangerous and cold.  Given the opportunity my subway car-mates chose kindheartedness.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Offer assistance.  Sometimes we see someone struggling, and if we open a door, help them cross the street, or give of ourselves in way that is not a hardship, we feel uplifted.  We get when we give.  
  • Practice calming habits, whether it’s a breathing exercise or tensing & relieving muscles, having a tool in a potentially stressful situation will be invaluable when that tension-filled time comes.  
  • When in a public place, people watch.  See if you can observe an act of kindness or a moment of care.  You, too, may find it reassuring.  

Micro Adjustments, The Twentieth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I just heard about micro adjustments. I’d never heard the phrase or the concept before. It was introduced as a mindfulness practice to adjust our perspective from getting lost in our thoughts, or external circumstances, to coming back to the present moment. It connotes adjusting our consciousness from distraction to mindful awareness.  This may not be a new concept, but it’s new to me.  

I love the idea of micro adjustments.  They are slight but meaningful.  I plan on implementing micro adjustments when listening, or writing, or simply when walking and viewing the city.  When I catch myself drifting away lost in a thought loop I can micro adjust to enjoy the moment again.  

I tried it this rainy morning while baking banana bread.  I was half-way through the recipe when I started looking through the cabinets wondering how many spices and various ingredients I was never going to use.  Too many, that’s how many.  So, I started to get the foot ladder to make room on the top shelves.  Then I caught myself sidetracked, again.  I stepped down from the ladder, turned around, and then continued mixing the dry ingredients into the wet batter.  

It felt so good to go back to my original activity.  I completed the mixing, the pouring into the pan, and the clean-up before returning to the cabinets.  It’s a quotidian moment, home tasks, easily diverted, then going back to start over again.  I’m easily distracted. Having a phrase that quantifies that instant when the shift takes place bringing me back to the present is terrific.  Micro adjustments are my new favorite contextual idiom.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • The next time you find yourself readjusting to the present moment, remember you just performed a micro adjustment. Acknowledge yourself. 
  • Name something you know you do well.  Smile, and take a moment to appreciate your gift.
  • Look in your cabinets, refrigerator or pantry and get rid of anything beyond expired, or anything you have that you privately know you’ll never use.  Then enjoy the space created.

Mother’s Day Ambivalence, The Noneteenth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I, like many, have mixed feelings about Mother’s Day.  

As a daughter I knew that I loved my mom, and I also yearned for her acceptance, spending far too much of my babysitting money to bask in the momentary approval of an expensive Mother’s Day gift.  I’d set up Arlene’s Kitchen, honoring our mom.  It was a made-up restaurant in our home with hand-written menus for the family.  Nervous about what I might cook, I’d prep all the possibilities from eggs, any type of French toast or bagels & lox.  As down home as those brunches were, they were followed by the certainty that my clean-up techniques would be met with inevitable disapproval.  No one could make a countertop shine like my mom.  

Then when I became an older mother to a young child I wanted recognition.  Even as I doubted my own parenting skills, I wanted my family to tell me I was great.  Not that it would have landed with accepting ears, but my insecurities yearned for others to tell me I was up to snuff since I wasn’t able to give that to myself.  For many years the let-down from those absent acknowledgements felt like a void that remained empty.

There is no such thing as perfect parenting.  We all make mistakes because we all have our own personal limitations.  Mothers receive the lion’s share of blame while also receiving less than deserved praise.  Parenting is a humbling job filled with unexpected challenges, unwanted criticisms, surprising joys, and a myriad of emotional responses.  

Many skip this made-up holiday altogether.  Whether you’re not a parent by circumstance or choice, others feel free to comment.  Or, if you are  a parent, it can feel like pressure to make the day count, even when you’re too tired to celebrate.  

Perhaps we can learn the invaluable practice of parenting or reparenting ourselves.  Be caring and generous of heart on Mother’s Day as in every day.  We deserve to give ourselves grace.  Being patient with ourselves is invaluable.  Let us celebrate the ways we try to make our and others’ world better.  Simple acts of kindness are gifts that honor our best selves any day.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Acknowledge Yourself.  What is something about you or something you’ve done for which you are proud?  Naming it yourself provides a moment of self-empowerment.
  • What is something you’ve learned from a parent or a mentor figure?  How has it informed your life?  It helps to be in touch with that gratitude for yourself and for your relationships.
  • Stretch your skill to embrace ambivalence.  Think about the mix of feelings you may have for the roles in your life, as well as for the parenting you received. 

A Full Moon, The Eighteenth Week in the Second year in the New Abnormal

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It was a full moon this week.  I love looking up on a clear night and viewing the magical, mystical moon between the high rises.  Ever since I was a child I’ve found the moon an enchantress.  Myths have their place, and for many years I counted on myths to justify my outsized love of a full moon.  In times of feeling invisible I felt seen by the moon.  

The lure of the moon as a symbol of feminine energy resonated with my earliest feminist leanings.  Now at the foreseeable dawning of my senior classification, I am still drawn to the phases of the moon.  Perhaps it is the passage of time that resonates with the lunar cycles.  Or maybe it’s my propensity for relying on my imagination to improve on everyday life. 

Whatever the case, I am grateful to be able to look up at the night sky.  It’s guidance, imaginary or otherwise, will continue to fuel my dreams and capture my heart.  Given my friends, and referencing the arts, I know I am not alone in this.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Do the stars and the moon speak to you?  If so, write about it.  It will strengthen that connection.  
  • Do you have rituals or habits unique to daytime and night?  If so, try to change them up.  See if that gives you a new perspective.  It might have a new insight when you shift your routine.  
  • Shop your closet and drawers to find the clothes that have soft and soothing fabrics.  It could be a scarf or a swatch of cloth, if not a piece of clothing.  Keep the clothes or fabrics in an accessible location so that when you need soothing you have a perfect garment to wear, or a piece of cloth to rub for comforting.  

Our Relationship With the Weather, The Seventeenth Week of the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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Growing up we wore rubbers or rubber boots, gently stretching them until they covered our shoes.  It was a hassle taking them on and off.  But to keep our leather saddle shoes somewhat dry, we sported rubbers over our two-toned oxfords.  These days my low rubber boots are the only shoes I need when it’s wet outside. They keep the water from soaking my socks and allow me to walk about in the rain.  

It’s been a rare occurrence that we’ve had two rainy days on a weekend.  This weekend we’re soggy and a bit chilly.  Lucy, our dog, isn’t inclined to go out, and neither am I.  I danced in our living room for a while moving to international music, happy to be in the flow, not so happy to feel the aches of muscles waking up after being dormant.  Weekends usually mean at least one long walk.  Sometimes it’s a great time to walk when it’s raining.  The sidewalks are less crowded.  Everyone wants to stay inside.  

The rain inspires me to slow down.  I like that.  Of course, other than a few errands, I was not required to work outside, so the impact of the rain is minimal.  Rain in the city, at least when it’s not flood conditions, does not impact us in the same way as it does in more natural settings.  With proper rubber boots and waterproof outerwear, we can navigate curb rivers and downpours.  We may be soggy, but we’re not deterred.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Make sure you have shoes and clothing for the rain.  An old Scandinavian saying goes, “There is no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.” Being prepared is self-care.
  • Notice how different weather affects you.  Respect the weather’s impact so that you are attuned to yourself in relationship to your environmental conditions.
  • Dance.  Play the music you like or find a playlist.  Even if you feel achy, it fires up muscles and brings joy no matter the weather.  

NYBG, The Sixteenth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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My mom had a green thumb.  She could keep any plant or planted flower alive for years.  One of her favorite flowering plants was orchids.  She loved the dramatic curve and the delicate flowers.  She had a knack for keeping them alive and thriving for years.  A couple of times I found orchids I thought she would love.  I carefully brought them home reading the instructions and tending to them so they would make the perfect gift.  However, by the time they made it to her doorstep the blooms would fall and the sad gifts never reflected the hope I had of a lush and luxurious present. 

I was reminded of her love of orchids yesterday when I visited the Orchid Show at the New York Botanical Garden designed by the gifted Lily Kwong.  The many varieties displayed on rocks, wood, soil, and other surfaces was a pageant of natural wonder.    Walking through the conservatory was a collection of eye candy, elevating the joy of connecting with nature.  

Though the pictures don’t do the show justice, since snippets of the show don’t reflect the wonder in its entirety, I wanted to share some of the beauty found there.  The Botanical Gardens, open spaces, and natural settings continue to be the balm for the everyday challenges we face.  

Self-Care Tips

  • A gentle reminder to do things that please all your senses.  It doesn’t have to be at once.  Listen to something wonderful, music, the spoken word, a lovely soundscape.  Sniff pleasing scents.  Look at something beautiful.  Touch things that alight soothing feelings. Taste something delicious.  
  • Throw out old spices if you’re able.  They lose flavor.  Plus, it can feel more exciting to cook with fresh or new ingredients.
  •  When someone says something that hurts your feelings, ask them if they meant to upset you or hurt you.  Sometimes we react, and the person has no idea they hurt us.  Plus, we get a better sense of how they think, and it delays our instinct to react.   

Let’s Do Better, The Fifteenth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I came home late last night after seeing a beautifully moving theater piece by Suzan-Lori Parks at The Public Theater.  Retrieving our mail, I saw a broken glass and a brick on the lobby carpet.  Apparently, a group of teens were told to leave the area while smoking. So one of them in anger threw a brick through the window to show ‘them.”  It created more work for the porter and super who had to clean up and make immediate repairs on their weekend off. Needless to say the super and porter were nowhere near the incident when it happened.  

Too many people of all ages have little or no control of their expression of anger.  The honking in the city is out of control.  People are emotionally abusive in the workplace.  Or we’re ranting on social media.  There is a huge uptick of violence throughout the United States, and certain other parts of the world.  We are unchecked.  

I think we were so excited to leap past the couple of years of the pandemic that we forgot to heal from the losses, the changes, the pain.  Now we’re feeling the backlash.   So many are acting out because we didn’t do a great job learning and teaching how to care for ourselves when things are tough.  And if we’re not attending to our own needs, we’re not in a position to think of what our behavior will do to others. 

I’m doing my best to understand that when I’m reactive and harsh something is going on internally.  I may not understand it, but I can appreciate that I and those around me are impacted.  As Sharon Salzberg, Judson Brewer and others advocate in Loving Kindness mediation, “May I be free from inner and outer harm.”  Let’s care for ourselves with kindness and care.  Enjoying peace is an active intention.  

Self Care Tips

  • Though it’s not the season, this short video of David Bowie & Bing Crosby is uplifting.  We can use that now,  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCpXMy5GalI.  
  • Try a brief Loving Kindness mediation as practiced with Sharon Salzberg in which you repeat the ideas, “May I be healthy, may I be happy, may I be peaceful and live with ease.” Then, “May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be peaceful and live with ease.”
  • When difficult emotions arise and you’re feeling powerful sadness, fear, or anger, rather than blame yourself, others, or try to shut down your feelings, tell yourself you can get through this.  Think what will soothe you.  Remember these strong feelings come in waves, so it will subside.  In short, bring kindness and care in those difficult moments as opposed to acting out.  

Tattle Tales, The Fourteenth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I grew up with three siblings.  If you grew up with siblings, as I did, you are familiar with the age-old enterprise of tattling.  My younger sister, Susan, now Chova Sara, was the tattletale.  She was the one that thought it important to report to my parents, usually our mom, whatever misadventures we were enacting.  When I was six to her four, she ran to our mom to say I wasn’t letting her play with my Barbies.  This was true, but only because she cut their hair and drew on them with crayons.  Nonetheless, I had to release more dolls to her based on “fairness.”  This made no sense to me, but she got what she wanted, and it spurred her on for years.  

When I was fifteen she couldn’t get downstairs fast enough when she rifled through my drawers and found my almost full pack of Eve cigarettes.  I was no smoker, but I did purchase a 75 cent pack to try and smoke at high school socials.  I, a frizzy haired, acne prone teen with a penchant for musicals, wanted to seem cool.  I imagined cigarettes was the entry point.  I coughed more than I inhaled, thus ending a two-week foray into the impossible road to being a cool, cigarette-smoking kid.  But I kept the pack just in case I could offer an Eve to one of the true cool kids. 

Our mom, a former smoker, who coughed if she even thought there was smoke around her, was furious. I was grounded.  My explanation had holes.  Not only did I own a forbidden pack of cigarettes, but I was going to share an unhealthy habit with someone else.  While our mom lambasted me, I got a glimpse of Susan’s righteous smirk.  I imagine that same smirk on each of the mouths of all the tattlers online.  We have morphed into a culture of telling on others. 

When did we learn that telling on others was a better strategy than speaking in a respectful manner to said perpetrator?  We gain so much from having thoughtful dialog.  We may disagree, and in many instances, we may not come to a resolution, but there is a chance to connect rather than divide if we speak to one another rather than tell on each other.  

I believe when we feel we lack personal power we resort to public ranting or gossiping.  We dump our righteous opinions on the masses where we hope to receive positive reinforcement for negativity.  However, real confidence comes from being courageous enough to speak up without shaming someone else. In this way there’s a possibility you both might learn and grow.  Perhaps we can build our self-worth not by being righteous, which only strokes our egos, but by privately harnessing our emotional responses and caring for ourselves as we process those emotions. By looking inward instead of pointing fingers, we thoughtfully take steps towards positive change.   

Self-Care Tips:

  • Muster the courage to speak with someone with whom you disagree.  Let them know you want to understand their thoughts and actions.  Be open and think about what they tell you.  Monitor your emotional response.  And share your perspective, not to convince, but because you both matter.  
  • Stop! If you are about to rant with someone(s) who is/are not your friends, take a beat, write in a journal, but withhold from adding to the public negativity forum.  
  • Hold your own hand as if you’re holding hands with yourself.  Notice what that feels like.  Do you feel your own warmth?  Allow you to be there for yourself with this small gesture.  

Dashed Plans, The Thirteenth Week of the Second Year in the new Abnormal

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I am a planner. Though I am open to spontaneous experiences, I usually rely on my calendar to settle into the day. In recent months I have had to change plans a good number of times.  Often, I’ve enjoyed folding the new into what I had expected.  But this last week too many plans changed, and my equilibrium is off.  My sense of self along with my comfort levels are being tested.  

My schedule changed.  Not only did my work schedule fluctuate day to day, but even personal plans and appointments got shuffled more than once.  I had not expected that, and I am working on finding a way for these changes to support me in outside endeavors.  It was mildly unsettling.  Nonetheless, the shifts in my schedule may be an opportunity to complete a book I’ve been working on a couple of years now with mixed emotions and limited time.  Along with all the other changes of last week, it was pointed out to me that the book needs to be reworked.  It’s not the first time, but I am losing steam and it’s hard to rally to continue.  

Perhaps these changes mean it’s time to reassess, and probably slow down.  As much as I like to be busy, accomplishing what I want takes time and focus, and my busyness has waylaid the process.  I’ll continue with the book even as I question my ability to go on, and my uncertainty of how to do that.  The book is on everyday courage.  I will be taking my own counsel today and going forward.  I may be weary, but I’m not worn.  

I have a new plan now.  The plan is to create a new blueprint going forward, referencing my experiences, while giving me more space for changes since they’re bound to happen.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Stretch your arms above your head, and then out to the side.  If you’d like, add an affirmation such as “It’s safe to take the space I need.”
  • When you’re faced with a change (and you will be at some point), check in with yourself.  Notice any physical sensations.  Be patient and assess what you may need to adjust to the change.  
  • Savor delicious foods, joyous moments, shared laughter.  When something is good it warrants being savored.