Category Archives: aging

Train Delay, The Twenty-First Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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The Q train came to a halting stop.  An announcement immediately came on asking “Who pulled the emergency cord?”  At the end of our car, a good citizen thinking there was a request to pull the cord, got up from her seat, pulled the cord, even as the train stood idle.  She sat back down returning to her book.  A hardcover, old school, though she looked barely 25.  

I was slightly annoyed to have my short trip home delayed.  We were in-between the Union Square and 34thStreet stops.  The tunnel between the stops is a mile of tracks and darkness.  The lights were on in the train.  As I looked around I saw eyes meeting strangers’ eyes, a rare occurrence in the subway.  Seated neighbors started to talk.  I remained quiet, looking to see if anyone was panicking.  Surprisingly, everyone was in a good mood and remained calm.  Perhaps that had more to do with it being 9:30 pm on a Friday night, the start of a three-day weekend.  

A seasoned older gentleman, well, probably no older than me, was reassuring a group of tourists that he had been through this before and we’d get through this.  Others mentioned this had never happened to them before.  Personally, I couldn’t remember a time the emergency brake was pulled on a train.  I’d been delayed in my 42 years traveling underground, but this was new for me.  

I looked to see that my phone battery was full, settling in to read downloaded articles.  I barely finished the first short read when an announcement proclaimed we would be starting shortly.  I assumed the vague phrase meant something different to the crew than to us passengers.  However, within three minutes, around fifteen minutes in total, we were again on our way. 

It was a meaningful quarter hour.  Strangers supported one another.  Everyone remained composed, and we all clapped when the train moved forward.  Rather than ruining a terrific evening, it elevated my night, giving me hope.  Witnessing this sliver of kindness and respect reassured me in a city that is known by many as dangerous and cold.  Given the opportunity my subway car-mates chose kindheartedness.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Offer assistance.  Sometimes we see someone struggling, and if we open a door, help them cross the street, or give of ourselves in way that is not a hardship, we feel uplifted.  We get when we give.  
  • Practice calming habits, whether it’s a breathing exercise or tensing & relieving muscles, having a tool in a potentially stressful situation will be invaluable when that tension-filled time comes.  
  • When in a public place, people watch.  See if you can observe an act of kindness or a moment of care.  You, too, may find it reassuring.  

Mother’s Day Ambivalence, The Noneteenth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I, like many, have mixed feelings about Mother’s Day.  

As a daughter I knew that I loved my mom, and I also yearned for her acceptance, spending far too much of my babysitting money to bask in the momentary approval of an expensive Mother’s Day gift.  I’d set up Arlene’s Kitchen, honoring our mom.  It was a made-up restaurant in our home with hand-written menus for the family.  Nervous about what I might cook, I’d prep all the possibilities from eggs, any type of French toast or bagels & lox.  As down home as those brunches were, they were followed by the certainty that my clean-up techniques would be met with inevitable disapproval.  No one could make a countertop shine like my mom.  

Then when I became an older mother to a young child I wanted recognition.  Even as I doubted my own parenting skills, I wanted my family to tell me I was great.  Not that it would have landed with accepting ears, but my insecurities yearned for others to tell me I was up to snuff since I wasn’t able to give that to myself.  For many years the let-down from those absent acknowledgements felt like a void that remained empty.

There is no such thing as perfect parenting.  We all make mistakes because we all have our own personal limitations.  Mothers receive the lion’s share of blame while also receiving less than deserved praise.  Parenting is a humbling job filled with unexpected challenges, unwanted criticisms, surprising joys, and a myriad of emotional responses.  

Many skip this made-up holiday altogether.  Whether you’re not a parent by circumstance or choice, others feel free to comment.  Or, if you are  a parent, it can feel like pressure to make the day count, even when you’re too tired to celebrate.  

Perhaps we can learn the invaluable practice of parenting or reparenting ourselves.  Be caring and generous of heart on Mother’s Day as in every day.  We deserve to give ourselves grace.  Being patient with ourselves is invaluable.  Let us celebrate the ways we try to make our and others’ world better.  Simple acts of kindness are gifts that honor our best selves any day.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Acknowledge Yourself.  What is something about you or something you’ve done for which you are proud?  Naming it yourself provides a moment of self-empowerment.
  • What is something you’ve learned from a parent or a mentor figure?  How has it informed your life?  It helps to be in touch with that gratitude for yourself and for your relationships.
  • Stretch your skill to embrace ambivalence.  Think about the mix of feelings you may have for the roles in your life, as well as for the parenting you received. 

A Full Moon, The Eighteenth Week in the Second year in the New Abnormal

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It was a full moon this week.  I love looking up on a clear night and viewing the magical, mystical moon between the high rises.  Ever since I was a child I’ve found the moon an enchantress.  Myths have their place, and for many years I counted on myths to justify my outsized love of a full moon.  In times of feeling invisible I felt seen by the moon.  

The lure of the moon as a symbol of feminine energy resonated with my earliest feminist leanings.  Now at the foreseeable dawning of my senior classification, I am still drawn to the phases of the moon.  Perhaps it is the passage of time that resonates with the lunar cycles.  Or maybe it’s my propensity for relying on my imagination to improve on everyday life. 

Whatever the case, I am grateful to be able to look up at the night sky.  It’s guidance, imaginary or otherwise, will continue to fuel my dreams and capture my heart.  Given my friends, and referencing the arts, I know I am not alone in this.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Do the stars and the moon speak to you?  If so, write about it.  It will strengthen that connection.  
  • Do you have rituals or habits unique to daytime and night?  If so, try to change them up.  See if that gives you a new perspective.  It might have a new insight when you shift your routine.  
  • Shop your closet and drawers to find the clothes that have soft and soothing fabrics.  It could be a scarf or a swatch of cloth, if not a piece of clothing.  Keep the clothes or fabrics in an accessible location so that when you need soothing you have a perfect garment to wear, or a piece of cloth to rub for comforting.  

Unexpected Kindness, The Eleventh Week in the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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I left my passport at the hotel two and half miles from Reykjavik.  I was leaving for JFK the next day.  We had had a magnificent trip, and my passport was in the safe where I left it along with U.S. dollars I wasn’t going to spend in Iceland.  Our driver, an adventure tour guide in his own right, was going to drop off some guests and pick up passengers to bring back to the capitol city the next morning.  He would be happy to bring back my passport and drive us to the airport.  The magnificent experience continued.  

I next called the hotel. They got back to me to let me know they had secured my passport and money and it was in an envelope at the front desk waiting for our driver.  This was all done with ease.  The Icelandic vibe was “no problem.”  It seemed inherent to them to be kind and considerate.  They did not communicate any extra effort, nor did they indicate I was putting them out in any way.  I was beyond relieved.  

Surprisingly, I also didn’t berate myself for my forgetfulness.  Not that long ago I would have been so hard on myself for not being uber aware of everything.  This time, though, my mistake led to a greater appreciation of the kindness of others.  To be the fortunate recipient of thoughtfulness was another gift of the trip.  Not only did we enjoy natural wonders, but we also took pleasure in naturally wonderful people.  It was good fortune, indeed. 

Self-Care Tips:

  • See if there is an easy way to give to another.  Offer your seat on public transportation, open the door for a stranger, pay for someone else’s coffee, or create your own thoughtful act.  Be part of an enduring act of kindness.  
  • Let someone know how much you appreciate their kindness.  Whether you mention something having witness a kind act, are in touch with someone from the past who was good to you, or you give a warm thank you in the moment, your appreciation perpetuates kindness at large.  
  • Identify aspects of nature you most enjoy.  If you’re able to visit, great.  If not, perhaps you can find items or scents that elicit your enjoyment. It can be sea water, flowers, cut grass, or mountain air.  Whatever your pleasure, breath in the satisfying aroma.  

Greetings from Iceland, The tenth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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The small, Nordic island country of Iceland is around 5 hours away from New York City. It’s a magical place with other worldly terrains and natural wonders. We left the city for a long weekend with the hopes of at least getting a glimpse of the Aurora Borealis. We were not disappointed. And we got so much more.  

On our Icelandair flight we saw the Northern Lights dance above the clouds.  I love sitting by the window, and I kept my shade up on the off chance I might view something.  And, yes, swirling above the cumulus cropping were green lines of other worldliness.  The trip was off to an auspicious start.

We booked a place in Husafell, having read that they have some of the best sightings of the Northern lights.  We found out it has to do with the wind in the volcanic valley that clears the air, along with the territory’s moisture combined with the chill, creating the air quality that makes for fertile observing skies.  

We thoroughly enjoyed a trip to volcanic baths, naturally heated from the hot springs.  We were alone in a volcanic crater in a warm outdoor pool in the middle of Iceland.  Fabulous and surreal.  We also took a tour of a huge lava tunnel.  Beneath the earth was a fascinating as above.  The rest of our weekend will be spent in the small, welcoming city of Reykjavik.   So glad we came.  

Sometimes I have to get away to come back to myself.

Self-care tips: 

  • Go away.  If you can’t physically take yourself to another vista, whether it be a neighboring town, a lake, a park, another city, or the beach, then check out photos on the National Geographic website to enjoy another perspective.  https://www.nationalgeographic.com/pages/topic/best-of-2022
  • When having self-critical thoughts, rather than continue the loop of degradation, treat the criticism like an overly tired child.  Tell it to go rest.  It needs to take it easy.  Be gentle but firm.  
  •  Access you inner explorer.  As in our younger years, take a magnifying glass and view surfaces and objects for a closer look.  Wood grain is great, as is a blade of grass or a stone.  So much fun to see from our inner child’s eyes again.  

Swimming on Vacation, The Fourth Week of the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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I swam for an hour, my head submerged in the warm pool with tiny, wavy prisms, iridescent in the sun-drenched water.  The luxury of having a pool to myself is priceless.  Being able to move seamlessly underwater, thanks to my swimmers’ mask, allows me to stay beneath the surface, enjoying what I’d describe as a meditation in motion.  

 We’re on vacation.  That in and of itself is a gift of relaxation.  I had become rather snippy the first weeks of January, which is always a sign that I need a reset.  I’m still noticing some sharp edges that have yet to be smoothed completely, but the warm air, the sun and the tranquil atmosphere are working their magic.  

There’s a simple ease to being in the Caribbean.  Being able to swim with my mask adds a layer of delight as this vacation kneads the knots of stress from my body, mind and soul.  Sometimes in life there’s a simple fix that changes an experience from okay to wonderful.  That is true of my swimmers’ mask, a device that looks like an outer space unicorn.  It takes up the entire face, so unlike a snorkel, I can breathe just under the surface of water from either my mouth or nose.  There’s a stop at the tip of the hose at the center that prevents water from entering.  And the hose at the center means that swimmers like me can stroke our arms without hitting the tube.  All in all, I am so grateful for this wonderful addition to my swim.  

Life hacks can really help us when they make life easier or more enjoyable.  Years ago, Larry taught me that having the right tool for the right job matters.  He showed me how a well sharpened knife makes a huge difference in the joy of cooking.  Or the correct screwdriver can shorten a belabored task.  Now I have my swim mask, less a tool that a piece of equipment that provides a panoramic view of the pool or the ocean.  A few more swims and the last of the sharp edges will disappear.  At least for now.

Self-Care Tips:

  • Check to see if there’s an easier way to do your chores or activities.  A silicon spatula is helpful to scramble eggs while being gentle on your pan.  A group or family calendar is useful for scheduling.  And a small packet of wipes in your bag or car are good at any age.  
  • If you feel overwhelmed, rather than power on, take a short break.  Walk around the block, meditate, take a power nap, or stretch.  Breaks help us to refocus.  
  • When on the phone, smile while speaking.  It brightens our tone and communicates a softer nature.  

What’s For Dinner? Second Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I was preparing dinner as I do many nights.  Last night was pesto glazed salmon and garlic-marinaded skirt steak with sauteed spinach, garlic bread, and a spicy salad.  Thanks to Marion Zinn, my mother-in-law, I have the best marinade for the steak.  She was a wonderful hostess and served many delicious dishes.  Conversely, my mother would get anxious when hosting guests.  Nonetheless she deserves a shout out as an excellent baker. All three of my siblings and I have fond memories of annual birthday cakes baked from scratch, stored on a glass cake plate with an aluminum cake dome.  I used to cook and bake regularly, but as life’s responsibilities expanded, my domestic duties dwindled.   

Sometimes, though, I want to have a home cooked meal.  I shopped at the farmer’s market gathering some ingredients for dinner, and foraged the refrigerator for the rest.  Even as I began the prep work, I remained hopeful for a nice dinner.  Inevitably, by early evening, I was forgetting one thing or another, and my hope slipped to a tepid aspiration for a good enough meal.  Perhaps it’s this feeling along with my full schedule that diminishes my fondness for cooking these days.   

I realized, which might mean I’m late to the game, that planning, and subsequently serving, dinner is a process that mimics the complications of caring for oneself and perhaps others.  First there’s the consideration of taste.  What do I like?  What does Larry like?  Are there foods that appeal to us as the same time?  If not, what variations do I make?  Will I challenge myself with a new recipe or will I rely on the tried and true?  Not only does flavor matter, but so does nutrition.  I’m not a stickler that every meal meets the daily requirements of a balanced meal plan. However, I do like to have a variety of tastes, textures and basic health guidelines met.  

Now and again meals are more fly by night, others are indulgences, and more often meals are simple and easy to put together after jam-packed days.  I always enjoy good food.  I’m flexible in that I truly enjoy an array of possibilities from vegan to Omakase, and so much in-between.  I prefer local and organic, but I also shop at Trader Joe’s appreciative of their vast and changing selections.  One thing is for sure, I prefer choices, as I do in so many parts of my life.  

In getting dinner together, last night and previously, I’ve noticed the range of feelings I experience.  I start out hopeful, I have moments of frustration, periods I feel relaxed and trusting, and times I get annoyed, wishing I was being served rather than doing the serving.  And I challenge myself to get through the feelings of anxiousness closer to putting the meal on the table.  All in all, it replicates the processes I go through in other areas of my life, which include the original idea, the thought process and the execution.  So much stuffed into a quotidian endeavor.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Recipe for Marion’s marinade: ¼ cup olive oil, just less than ¼ cup cider vinegar, 3 Tablespoons or more of soy sauce, ¼ cup honey, lots and lots of chopped garlic, ½ teaspoon grated ginger (can use fresh, jarred or dry ginger if that’s what you have) Enjoy!
  • Take an everyday activity and break it down, checking in to see the array of feelings you have throughout the process.  Can you insert kindness and care when it feels uncomfortable?  Are you able to go with it when it feels pleasant?  If so, acknowledge yourself.  If not, see if you can make room for whatever comes us.  
  • Chapstick. It’s a great way to get through the winter.  Choose from a host of aromas, flavors, textures and ingredients. Find the one that’s good for you.  

Halloween Weekend, Week Forty-Four in the New Abnormal

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It’s Halloween Weekend and the city is ready for the many trick or treaters at every age.  As a child of the sixties our Halloween was comprised of a trip to Kiddie City to pick out a cardboard box with a clear window displaying the plastic mask with a thin mouth opening with two nostril holes for labored breathing that allowed for a muffled song of “trick or treat” at the door of kind home-owners who distributed candy, both great and questionable.  My favorite candy were plain Hershey chocolate bars, M&Ms, Twizzlers, or Good and Plenty.  I was not a fan of the chalky Necco Wafers or boxes of raisins.  We had plenty of fruit and raisins in our home, so I was on the lookout for forbidden treats that I would hide in the back of my closet.  

I’d bring one or two treats to school a day.  If I was in junior high, then they would be confiscated from the bullies that threatened to ruin an otherwise adequate day.  Nonetheless, the feeling of being rich with sugary sweets was intoxicating. 

The other aspect of Halloween I reveled was wearing a costume.  I loved dress up, and I delighted in playing other characters.  The first time I played someone else was in a Hebrew School Purim play at age five.  Sadly, I did not make the cut for Esther, but wearing a long- haired wig, and a toga, I was one of the other wives of King Ahasuerus.  It wasn’t as fun as Halloween, but it was a solid second. 

There were very little Halloween decorations in our neighborhood growing up.  A few Autumnal pumpkins, some adventurous jack—o-lanterns, but not much more.  Even so, a good costume, from my elementary school age perspective, whether it was Casper, a Disney Princess, or a witch, was a special experience.  Walking home, hitting all the houses on the other side of the street brought heft to my papar bag, and anticipation of portioning my candy booty for the remainder of the holiday season.  It’s been a joy throughout this week to see young children in their costumes on their way to Halloween Parties, proud to represent a character near and dear to them.  

Wishing everyone a safe and Happy Halloween.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • If you’re not trick or treating, try some high-quality chocolate, one square a day.  It’s a small treat with big flavor.  
  • When someone says something that hurts you, simply ask them “Did you mean to upset me?”  it’s a way to communicate your upset without an accusation.   It will also give you information about what’s going on for them.  And they will know that they hurt you.  Of course, if they answer, “Yes,” then that gives you more information about being intentionally treated poorly, thus giving you a choice in future interactions. 
  • Relax with classical music.  We forget how impactful it is on our nervous systems.  It can soothe us when we are stressed, and lighten our mood when we feel low.  May I suggest Debussy’s Clair de Lune or Pachelbel’s Canon in D? 

Busy or Not, Week Forty-Two in the New Abnormal

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As Autumn has created an uptick in activity, I am both excited to get out more and apprehensive as well.  The surprising outcome of the pandemic was that I enjoyed my quiet time.  What was surprising about it was that I lived a busy life and enjoyed juggling a schedule that allowed me to partake in the best New York City offers.  The theater and museums were a mainstay for me.  When everything shut down, I questioned how I would get on.  The answer was very well.  

Now, I am grappling with my desire to do less and my yearning for my old life.  Being busy has its merits.  There was always something to look forward to.  I love the arts and was wowed by so much of it.  And, if there was something I didn’t like, it didn’t really matter because there was something else around the corner.  

However, taking things easy, enjoying peace, finding calm, and not being on the run provides a type of ease I hadn’t known I was missing.  I am challenged to find the balance between good times out and savoring staying in.  

When life circumstances change we learn new things about ourselves.  In this new abnormal I wonder what I will learn about myself.  I am curious to see how I can listen to what’s best for me, whether it’s a performance or a nap.  I had learned how to check in with myself more these last couple of years.  Yet I am flummoxed when it comes to ambivalence.  Do I want to make dinner tonight by taking advantage of the largess from the farmer’s market, or do I want to keep it simple so I have a rare night off?  

For tonight I’m making dinner and foregoing a dance performance.  I wonder what tomorrow will bring.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Check in with yourself a few times a day to see what you’re experiencing and how you feel.  Checking in regularly helps during more stressful times when it’s easy to forget that checking in slows things down. 
  • When you’re in a quandary, rather than trying to figure out via the facts, try seeing how you feel physically when responding to the options.  
  • Cook, put together, or order something different for a meal.  We change our thought pattern and possibly introduce something new to enjoy.  

Make it Quick, Week Forty-One in the New Abnormal

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I did something Friday that I haven’t done in well over two years.  I went to the movies.  I, know some of you are more intrepid than I and have ventured out to see what viewing on the big screen well before this.  I specifically went to the Soho Film Festival to see a short film produced by my friend Jackie Schwartz and starring Mischa Dani Goodman, a friend and previous co-worker of Larry’s. An unusual but not surprising coincidence.  It was a late night, and I rarely stay up late, but I’m glad I did.  

All seven films were excellent, and the best was saved for last as the audience laughed and thoroughly enjoyed Unbridaled.  There’s nothing like relishing the creative endeavors of those in our lives.  Best of all is being able to watch short films that provide a great deal of content in such a short time frame.  I find that true for certain essays, poems, and short stories, as well.  For me it’s like a mini cupcake, all the goodness of the regular size, and just enough to completely satisfy.  

With a busy schedule, I find that brief encounters can also provide meaningful exchanges.  A short, spontaneous meeting running into a friend can be the highlight of the day.  A planned get-together for a quick meal is always sweet.  In line with brief experiences, I’ll make this post brief, more like an hors d’oeuvres than a cupcake. Shall we say a pig-in-the-blanket?  Or, for my vegan friends, a mushroom wrap.  A quick hello at a cocktail hour.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Listen or watch a quick podcast.  They pack a lot in to a short amount of time
  • Go to Netflix, Amazon, or another channel to view a short film.  You’ll be happy to have given yourself the treat.  
  • When you begin to feel stressed, take 30 seconds or a couple of minutes to do a quick mental body scan.  Start at your fee and move up your body checking in to acknowledge the physical sensations. That alone can bring ease.