Monthly Archives: August 2021

A Pandemic Birthday, Week Eighteen in the Time of Transition

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A few years ago I was at a networking event when I spotted an old acquaintance.  I was happy to see her, filled with memories of the two of us with mutual friends enjoying parties, volunteering, and talks in the mid-80’s.  When I approached her and reminded her who I was, in a cold tone she responded, “Yes, I know who you are.”  I felt hurt and dismissed.  I thought about those early years in New York City when I couch-surfed and lived hand to mouth.  It was a hard time, and I was not always my best self.  I had thought warmly of this person recalling her dedication to friends and of her strong work ethic.  Her taciturn words indicated she thought less of me.  

At first I blamed myself, thinking I must have been pretty bad for her to have that reaction.  Then I thought, yeah, I may have done some crazy things, but I have worked hard to grow and change.  I thought how sad for my younger self that I put such a rude person on a pedestal.  And then I was proud of myself for my ability to appreciate the positive qualities in others.  It doesn’t mean I want to befriend everyone.  But it does mean that I can respect others and the gifts within them.  

This past week I was fortunate enough to celebrate another birthday, though new aches and pains may suggest otherwise.  The outpouring of messages and love means the world to me.  I feel abundant, filled with gratitude for friends and family who took the time to send thoughtful messages.  Taking in the goodness of all of you enriches my life in ways that are difficult to articulate.  All I know is that I am better due to you giving your best.  What good fortune to be in such good company.  I apologize to my younger self for giving authority to those who were unkind.  When we’re unseen we cannot be known.  I see you and I appreciate you with all my heart.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Change it up.  Donate to a new non-profit, one aligned with your values but previously not on your radar.  
  • Provide a simple act of kindness to a stranger.  We all need a lift.  
  • Forgive your younger self for making errors in judgement while he/she/they were learning how to appreciate those who appreciate us.  

Not This! Week Seventeen in the Time of Transition

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I remember when I was in my 20s I took a self-help seminar.  I was doing a team activity, and I really didn’t like one of the members.  She was inappropriately rude, saying things like, “I can feel your anger.  Your jaw clenches.  It’s not pretty.  Why don’t you just let it go?”  Though it enraged me that she would say such a thing, only adding to my ire, I thought I was supposed to become more tolerant of others.  So I pushed my anger down, thinking I was “letting it go,” and tried to be accepting of this team member.  

It’s taken me years to listen to myself and not others idea of me.  I now see I can respond by saying I don’t want someone to speak to me in that way.  At the time, I thought I had to carry my shame for allowing my anger to be seen, and I had to hold her insensitive reaction to me.  Part of the slow learning curve on my part had to do with not wanting to be where I was.  I didn’t want to be an angry person.  I thought that made me negative.  At worst, unlovable.  Sometimes I just didn’t want to be where I was at any given moment because it was uncomfortable, or it felt intolerable.  

Getting through the pandemic has felt so uncomfortable for most of us.  Now in this transitional time that has seen a surge of cases, so many have little or no tolerance.  We’re seeing more impatience, more agitation.  We’re beat. Collectively we are silently saying, “Not This!”  Though we wish this was all behind us, we continue to endure.  Repeatedly we are challenged to meet the moment we’re in.  If and when we look back, we are sadly nostalgic.  When we attempt to look ahead, we can feel anxious and hopeless.  We might not like these feelings but they’re real.  When we deny them because we want to be in a better place, my experience is that those uncomfortable emotions linger.  The old adage, “What we resist, persists,” is fitting.  

If we’re able to live with our anger, impatience, boredom, frustration, and exasperation, we can address those feelings.  And, in dealing with where we are, no matter how we feel about it, we get to the next moment, and the next.  Getting through these difficult times is a moment-by-moment process.  Our courage to face ourselves no matter what, more than anything else, allows us to grow in so many ways.  Let’s meet ourselves at this time with patience, kindness and care.  And, when it’s too difficult to muster patience, kindness, and care, let’s have extra compassion for living in a difficult space. 

Self-Care Tips: 

  • When having a difficult time, speak with yourself, or write a note, as if you were addressing a beloved friend.  
  • Turn on the music and dance.  It can be as short as one song or make a playlist for a movement break. 
  • If you’re able, balance on one foot.  Do it for a few seconds or for longer.  It can improve your ability to be in the moment, especially in relationship to time and space.  

Sweet Sixteen, Week Sixteen in the Time of Coronavirus

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Sweet Sixteen.  It doesn’t feel so sweet these days.  I remember when I was turning sixteen, I yearned to have a fancy party as many of my friends were having that year.  We couldn’t afford an expensive affair, so I begged and cajoled my parents into allowing me to have a house party.  My mother did not enjoy entertaining, nor did she feel comfortable in having a good number of adolescents in her home.  I didn’t realize at the time what a gift she was giving me just by saying yes.  

I worked hard to pay for the party doing overtime to make it happen.  I would make runs into Philadelphia to get beads so I could make each guest a personalized necklace.  My ambitions were high even though my craft skills were not.  

When the party came to be I remember how uncomfortable I was to bring together my friends from various parts of my life, from Hebrew school cronies to my drama student friend, to those in B’nai Brith Girls (BBG) to old elementary school friends, and my more avant-garde crowd.  I was an emotional mess thinking that each knew a part of me, but I was not at ease with me as a whole, and projected quick rejection once they saw the other aspects of  my personality.  Needless to say, trying to calm my mother pre-party and calm myself took all my energy while setting up.  

Each person I invited had a special place in my heart.  They had given me their friendship. Not understanding what that meant, I wanted to repay their kindnesses.  However, I didn’t know myself well enough.  I felt fragmented.  Sadly I only remember my discomfort walking indoors and out to make sure everyone had what they needed.  Scared they’d find out I wasn’t who they thought I was.  

It took me decades to learn that our many personality traits are naturally unified.  We are and have always been a culmination of the different parts of ourselves.    

Last night I had the great fortune of going out for the evening.  I was able to meet a FaceBook friend from the pandemic for the first time, as well as her awesome sixteen-year-old daughter.  My new friend is an extraordinary woman who is bright, sensitive, and fun, among other wonderful traits.  Larry was there, as was his friend who has become mine, and his delightful girlfriend.  For me it was a magical evening.  Perhaps even more so since there’s been a Covid-19 surge, and yet we could still meet for dinner.  We don’t know what’s coming, but in our uncertainty and fear we made room for laughter and love.  

If I think back to my 16-year-old self, I don’t know that I could have shared my fears if I was supposed to be having fun.  Or, I would have missed the fun in deference to my uncertainty.  Thank goodness for life experiences that allow us to keep moving forward while honoring the moment. Though I am not grateful for the pandemic and what I thought was this time of transition, I am grateful for new friends, long-term friends, a good husband, and all the other gifts from these many pain-filled months.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Make a positive comment online.  It can be a compliment for good service, a nice comment to a post, or a short hello to an old friend.  It’s an easy way to make someone’s day.
  • Make a note of a life lesson you’ve learned.  Remember how you used to be and recognize how you’ve grown since then.
  • Check in with yourself to see what you need.  Sometimes we’re preoccupied with what others need, and we don’t know if we need rest, if we need to reach out to a friend, or we need quiet time.  

Cloudy, Week Fifiteen in the Time of Transition

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I shifted my routine earlier this week to catch the sunrise.  Typically I relish the space between sleep and daytime.  The sweet spot of the morning.  Following those moments I shift into meditation, then move on from there with coffee and the rest of the day.  As soon as I awoke I brushed my teeth and ran to the East River to get a glimpse of the sunrise.  

It was a cloudy day, and the sun was hidden.  No bright colors, just hues of grey.  At first I was disappointed.  It’s not often I get out to take a peek of the sun coming into view.  But then it occurred to me that this was a perfect metaphor for this time in transition.  We all want to see the sun but instead we’re stuck with gray skies.  The anticipated bright horizon more of an idea than a clear vision.  

We expected, as we’ve done in the past, for things to move along until we could live again as we had pre-pandemic.  Instead, we’re in this mist.  Some of our days look similar to what we’ve known before, but it’s still hazy and not clear enough to navigate straight ahead.  We’re living in a miasma of uncertainty.  

We thought that we would have to endure fear, loss, and ambiguity for a fixed period of time. Then we could face our futures because of these important, albeit, unwelcome experiences.  We could frame the pandemic with stories of what we’ve endured along with life lessons we were forced to learn.  But the discomfort has expanded to an indefinite stretch of time.  We are still reeling.  Our fears remain palpable.  

Nevertheless, I am going to continue to look for the sunrise when I wake up too early.  And, when the clouds are heavy I will find simple ways to comfort myself.  I’ll walk, drink water, read something fun, eat a peach, and rest well.  I’ll take care of myself as best I can, then I’ll see what’s needed by those I love, and by those who are in more need.  I’ll continue to face my days acknowledging my limitations while moving past barriers that keep me stuck.  I’ll get it wrong and try again.  In that way I keep going while in transition.  

Self-care Tips:

  • When you find you’re being hard on yourself, think about what you’re attempting to learn and shift your focus on the lesson, seeing this moment as part of your learning.
  • Remind yourself that it takes time to learn patience.  
  • Eat a peach or other fresh fruit or vegetables.  Summer is a great time to savor the land’s bounty.   

Goodbye to the Old, Week Fourteen in the Time of Transition

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I’m in my congested closet trying to decide which of the various, multi-colored pocketbooks and bags I’m going to let go.  I tend to rely on the same two or three, but I love to choose from the others on special occasions.  Of course, there have been few special occasions in the past year or so.  Nonetheless I had the privilege of attending a joyous outdoor event last night, and though no one else would care, I was so happy to sport the perfect small, blue bag for the evening.  

As it turns out I’m not as willing to give up as many bags as I thought.  I was able to go through my closet, and doing my own version of Marie Kondo, I let go of anything that no longer brought me joy.  Three bags later and I’m feeling a bit lighter.  I love the concept of evaluating things based on the joy it provides.   It works in so many areas of our lives.  

I gave up my gym membership.  I prefer movement in my own company or walking with a friend.  I was able to downsize my social life so that I can recharge more effectively.  Plus, I feel no obligation to continue to read books that aren’t right for the time, or watch shows that may be good, but for me. 

All this gives me a freedom.  I may be busy, but my life is less crowded.  My defenses less fired.  As I let go to enjoy more peace, I feel the joy.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Let go of something that is joyless this week.  It can be a plan you made or an item in the back of your closet.  Start small.
  • Experiment with doing something differently.  Workout with someone if you tend to go solo.  Or drink your favorite beverage in a new cup or glass.  See if you like the change.  
  • Muster the courage to disagree with someone who can be forceful.  Or, if you tend to voice your disagreement, have the courage to listen quietly, perhaps hearing from a new place.