We just took a trip to a resort in Punta Cana, in the Dominican Republic. It was beautiful. The weather was warm and clear, and everyone was friendly. I wanted to enjoy this vacation. Last year was hard and I was looking forward to some R&R. But the food, though plentiful, went from bland to awful. The amenities promised were elusive or not as advertised. The other travelers seemed to be content, but I couldn’t help notice the missing details, the absence of my desired holiday away. I would go for a run on the beach, grateful for the easy breeze, and the laps of the ocean. Yet, I kept thinking of all the things I didn’t like about being there. I was angry at myself for booking and paying hard-earned money for this trip. I kept playing back other vacations I should have taken. I was blaming myself for not being able to let it go. Why couldn’t I simply enjoy what I had. Why was I so upset? Why couldn’t I be a more spiritual being? There are so many who are scared for their families and loved ones. There are those dealing with death, health challenges, immigration issues. And, I am feeling sorry for myself for not enjoying the beautiful resort I was in. What kind of person am I? And, the self-criticism was relentless. I am not grateful. I am not selfless. I am not worthy.
This is not a new theme for me. I have a long history of being hard on myself. I understand that it’s not productive, yet I don’t seem to stop. In fact with the time and space on vacation, I seemed to swim a little in the outdoor pool and swam constantly in a state of condemnation. As the week continued, I’d have moments of peace, thinking that this will be a really funny story with some distance. And there were other times when the inner monologue chattered on.
“I am not a published book author, I’m not a size 8. I’m not a home owner. I’m not a multi-millionaire. I’m not a doctor. I’m not organized. I’m not young. I’m not coordinated.” The list could easily continue. I am clearly aware of what I’m not. In fact, sometimes my mind is so crowded with what I’m not, there’s no room for what I am.
What I am is a mother and a wife. I’m happy with my work. I have a private practice and work with amazing individuals. I’m a friend. I’m a sister and a daughter. I am a theater and arts lover. I’m a subscriber to theater companies and a member to a number of varied museums. I’m a walker. I love walking the city. I’m a Manhattanite. I’m funny at times, and critical at other times, I’m a foodie. Life is good. But it won’t always be good. Sometimes a vacation turns out to be a vacation from what I love. And being away gives me greater appreciation of what I have.
So I’m thinking this vacation was about taking vacations every day from self-criticism. It taught me to spend less mind-space on what I’m not, and celebrate more on who I am. Maybe this bad vacation can have a good outcome.
If nothing else, I’m blogging again. So, yeah, I’m a blogger, too.
janetzinn 
Hi, The first thing which came to mind is – while you’re not published yet, you are Absolutely a wonderful writer!!! Well stated, well crafted and well written! It’s a gem of a blog.
You and I both know the importance of remembering what we are versus what we are not – thanks for the reminder Janet!
I love you – Sharyn
Great blogpost, Janet. Thanks for your honesty. It’s like a 6th step in a 12-step program.
Thanks, Xavier. The steps are a great template for life. I appreciate you saying that.
Janet, I really enjoyed this — well, not the part about expressing your angst. Lessons learned the hard way, but good lessons for us all. Thanks.
I’m so glad you wrote this, Janet, but it was tough to read. First, I recognized myself too much in that awful cycle of self-condemnation. Second, and more importantly, I feel bad hearing you talk badly about yourself. I think of all that you are–including a good friend–and I want you to see those things first. xoxo
Thank you so much, Jeannette. Although I’m not comfortable or proud that I harbor such negativity, it did feel good to write about it, once it was clear what I was thinking.
Life has such a funny way of telling us (or allowing us to tell ourselves) who we are not. In the end, we are human and there should not be any other reason beyond this for us to be kind to ourselves and one another. I hope you were able to enjoy the rest of your vacation.