Tag Archives: self compassion

Encouraging Compassion, The Fifty-Second Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

Posted on by
1

We are at the end of 2023 and yet life goes on with all its difficulties, complications, wonders, and joy.  As we change the calendar year perhaps there is a better way to move forward.  We traditionally make resolutions.  Maybe we call them something else, but so many of us want to better our lives and a new year can feel like a blank slate.  

I am all for making changes.  I’m hopeful to be kinder and more compassionate with myself.  This is a hope I’m carrying from this past year, day to day, and moment by moment.  I find hope is not enough, though.  It takes a daily practice of bringing compassion especially in times of struggle.  To that end, I am relying on my experience that a daily practice of compassion or kindheartedness can change our lives in unexpected ways.  Our hearts open up.  We can listen from a place of curiosity rather than assumptions.  We can better tolerate discomfort as we work to ease our pain.  And we experience possibility rather than imposing past negative beliefs.

If we look back, we can all see that when we were encouraged, we blossomed.  In college, Dr. Jones was a tough grader, but she was so uplifting, believing in her students’ ability to think for themselves.  I wanted to do well in her class and did the hard work required. Conversely, in my creative writing class with a published author, I felt defeated as she had a very specific idea of good and bad.  As an insecure 18-year-old, I quit before I even got started based on her condemnation.  What was always a pleasure as a young teen turned into a shame-based exercise in her class. Two English professors with the same student and very different results.  

As we set off into early 2024 let’s do what we can to encourage ourselves and others.  If we find we’re having negative thoughts or words, perhaps we can see that we’re feeling stuck, and we can try again.  There is always an opportunity for compassion.  Whatever the year, compassion never goes out of style. 

Self-Care Tips: 

  • Create a transitional ritual for those times when you’re going from one part of your day to another.  For instance, during your commute to the office you can listen to an inspirational piece of music.  And, before returning home you could possibly take a short walk around the block.  This way when you start a new part of your day there is space between where you’d been and where you’re going.  It’s like a refresh.  
  • Create a “Done” list.  When we have to-do lists we can get overwhelmed.  With a “Done” list we can feel a sense of accomplishment.
  • Create a self-care list so that is available when things get stressful and you don’t have the mental resources to think what can soothe you, you can reference your list and choose something that will help.  

Hurt by Half, The Thirty-Sixth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

Posted on by
Reply

I was ten years old.  The person who I had considered my best friend was in the Stafford School auditorium with her class, and I was with my class for a school-wide assembly.  Assemblies felt important.  Usually the principal spoke.  He was a tall, somber man who communicated in hushed tones lending an atmosphere of solemnity to childhood gatherings.  

I was nervous.  I had called the friend a few times and she never came to the phone I racked my brain for what I might have said or done to cause her avoidance.  It hurt me to the core.  I was not a popular girl and her purposeful neglect threatened my fragile sense of self.  

When I gently approached her with hopeful steadiness, after going back and forth as to what I might say, I said, “I hope we can play sometime.”
My warbly voice betrayed my erect posture.  Immediately, and without looking at me, she said, “Janet, get off my back.”    

My shoulders slumped and I followed my class to my seat as she stepped in single file to sit with her classmates.  I was devastated.  Yes, I had huge needs.  I was lonely and could be clingy.  But did I deserve that treatment?  At the time I thought I did.  I reviewed our friendship and thought of all the times I said something that got her mad.  I thought of all the ways I had desperately done what she wanted so we could play together.  I had lost a friend and I was blaming myself for that loss.  Even if it wasn’t a healthy friendship, I liked having a playmate.  

We often multiply our suffering by two.  First, we go through something difficult.  Then we fault ourselves for the hardship imaging all the ways we might have avoided it.  I’m not saying it’s not useful to see our contributions to what we go through, but there’s a difference between learning a lesson and being cruel to ourselves in the perceived service of getting over the hurt.  

What if we fold in compassion?  It won’t make the difficulties disappear, but it will reduce our suffering if we can be kind and caring to ourselves while enduring hardship.  I may have been hurt at age 10 by my ex-friend’s thoughtless response, but I carried it with me far longer than the quick exchange in the auditorium.  Nonetheless, in the 50 plus years since that time, I have been able to learn and not feel the deep shame of my childhood when I do say or do something that is not a match to a given moment.  

It may take practice to be self-compassionate.  It’s not a get-out-of-jail-free card.  It’s more of an embrace when feeling trapped.  Age and perspective help, as does patience.  And having the ability to tolerate hard feelings makes a huge difference when we’re going through something rough.  I suppose that experience was one of many exercises in building tolerance for managing difficulties.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When going through something difficult, see what you need.  Soothe yourself with soft fabrics, clothes, sheets, or a piece of fabric to rub.  Or find music that matches your mood.  Move in ways that feel expressive.  Use your senses to bring calm.  
  • Take an electronic pause.  Read a hardback or a paperback book.  Walk without a device.  Take in the scenery.  People watch rather than viewing a screen.  
  • Walk with a friend.  You can share a view rather that drinks or a meal.  

Dashed Plans, week Twenty-Five in the New Abnormal

Posted on by
3

Our best intentions don’t always go according to plan.  I had all weekend to work on a project.  I planned on spending this weekend, as I have in the past, writing and rewriting to meet a deadline.  Lucy, who is my constant companion loves the cooler air and asked to be taken on walks more than usual. Once we were outside she was happy to let the breeze mess up her hair as she sat on the sidewalk.  

I, on the other hand, had a job to do and if she didn’t want to go for a walk, then I needed to get back to work.  She was having none of it.  As a dog, she knows nothing about responsibilities.  She knows what she likes, and she likes to be outside.  

When I finally made it back inside after the third walk/sitting, I was exhausted and knew that a short nap would give me the fuel to keep going later.  My naps usually last 20 minutes or so, this one was more like 45 minutes.  I was startled awake by Larry, who was supposed to work late tonight, giving me more time alone to write.  

That was not to be.  His schedule changed and he is happily enjoying a Bosch episode in our living room.  I will not be alone tonight to get my work done.  My initial reaction after a lovely day, though not a productive one, is to curse under my breath.  I can be rigid.  And when things don’t turn out the way I expect them to, I tend to be cranky.  I blame myself or someone else.  

But there is no one to blame.  Lucy is a dog.  I love her and she was so happy to be outside.  Larry is my husband, I love him, and he’s so happy to have the night off.  Rather than blame myself, I will do my best to be flexible.  

I will figure out how to reach my goals.  I try to make the distinction between a problem and an inconvenience.  This is no problem.  Yes, I was inconvenienced today.  But it was a gorgeous day.  The work is waiting for me to complete.  And I will.  Perhaps I’ll start early tomorrow after getting a bit more done tonight.  Sometimes creative writing can be about creating the time to get it done.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When annoyed, assess whether it’s a real problem or a mere inconvenience.  An inconvenience can take the sting out of the emotional mix
  • Strengthen your ankles and support your balance by standing on one foot for 30 seconds each.  
  • When plans change or your expectations aren’t met, get creative.  Create a new way to find enjoyment or meet your needs with the circumstances at hand.