Category Archives: thoughtfulness

Unloading, Week Forty-Two in the No Longer New Abnormal

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I have too much stuff.  I just spent hours going through drawers and closets to clean out what I don’t want anymore and what I don’t need.  Though I’m happy I did that and now I can bring bags to the thrift store, and bags to the trash, I am still left with too much stuff.  Some things like outdated membership cards were easy to throw out.  Vitamins and minerals I rarely take, office supplies I may need at some unknown point in time, and other sundry items make it harder for me to determine their usefulness.  When I was younger and lived alone, the small apartment size made it easy to throw things out.  I simply didn’t have the space.  Though I am so grateful for all the storage space in our present apartment, I find that clutter accumulates in the recesses of those closets.  

Now my satisfaction of cleaning out my home office is tempered by how much I still have to get done.   This is the push me, pull me factor of much of life.  I do my laundry and a week later I do it again.  I go for a beautiful walk on a Tuesday and it’s time for another walk on Wednesday.  The more I reside in the mindset of what’s next, the more I lose the simple gratification of being in the moment accomplishing my set goal.  In theory, we should all live in the moment and be where we are.  But we are human, and our brains cannot be set to one mindfulness station.  So while I go back and forth reminding myself what has to get done, and feeling good about what I’ve already done, I can laugh at how easy it is for me to go from a mindful moment to a critical one and then back again.  Whether we’re cleaning out our space, meditating, walking, getting our laundry done, or doing all the things that make up our lives, we can notice when we are kind to ourselves, and when we slip into being hard on ourselves, practicing mindfulness moment to moment.  In some ways it’s like cleaning our closets, letting go of the thinking we no longer need, making space for more positive reinforcements.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Go through old business cards, membership cards or reward cars and throw out anything outdated or no longer relevant.  
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  • If you tend to move ahead to what’s next, see if you can refocus to what you’re presently doing or where you are, and see if you can focus on something in the present moment.  It may surprise you how it releases stress. 
  • Take note of any pleasure derived from what you accomplish.  Adding moments of positivity builds our self-esteem.  

Happy/Sad, Week Forty-Two in the No Longer new Abnormal

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Have you ever done something that makes you so happy you can feel the sadness below the surface?  That is exactly what I’m experiencing now.  I went for a run.  The weather is beautiful in New York City.  Perfect for a run.  The sun was tucked under the clouds so that I could see a gleam, but I didn’t have to shade my eyes.  East End Avenue, right by the water, was free of traffic so that I could soften my steps with Asphalt rather than pounding the concrete pavement.  I was happy to get out after too long a break from running.  I didn’t overdo it.  I went as far as I could while respecting my limitations.  All was good.  Yet, while I felt gratitude and joy, I also felt heavy hearted.  There is much in the world that saddens me.  I see no easy fixes.  And, too many are struggling and even suffering due to dehumanizing beliefs, powerful weather forces, war, bullying, and judgement with righteousness.  Need I go on?  

It is hard to know what organizations get money, supplies and direct help to those in need.  I’m not always sure what to say to my friends and family who are in pain or dealing with health issues.  Or how do I tell my friends who have been hit by hurricanes, flooding and tornadoes that I’m thinking of them when, at the moment, our area hasn’t been hit by powerful forces?  How do I stay compassionate when so many are angry, and rightfully so?  Since I’m not certain what to do, I will send love.  My imperfect offer to those struggling.  Yet I still feel so much sadness.  I also feel the joy of connecting to others, of connecting with you.  Let us all find ways to bring love, care, support, and resources where and to whom we can.  

Self-Care Tips: 

  • Allow yourself to feel mixed emotions.  It’s a richer experience than controlling hard feelings. 
  • Offer thoughts and/or support where you can.  It can be for those you know or those who you know need immediate help.  
  • Exercise your ability to listen. Rather than sharing your own experiences, ask someone how they are and simply listen as they speak.   

Fourth Quarter, Week Forty in the No Longer new Abnormal

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We are entering the last quarter of 2024.  I feel like I’m rushing to accomplish what I had intended this year.  Some things take longer than others.  I had hoped I would have been able to promote my book more, but I had so much to learn.  And some of the promotion is not for me.  Given it isn’t what I had imagined, it’s important that I am grateful for what I could do.  I am grateful for all those who supported me and the book.  And, I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned thus far, like the fact that I prefer smaller discussions to larger presentations.  And that I don’t enjoy marketing, nor have I ever enjoyed it.  Sharing something freely and needing to sell something are very different.  

I was in sales for a number of years in my teens and early twenties.  I started by working the cash register at my father’s shoe store.  I learned quickly that the description of a job and the job itself weren’t one in the same.  Being a cashier also meant vacuuming, stocking shoes, running lunch orders, and doing inventory.  I stayed in sales at local department stores, and when I came to New York City in 1981, I worked at Bloomingdales.  It was a glamorous store where I got to see many celebrities, imaging that this tentative connection had deep meaning for my hopes to be an actress.  I did love being there, though I was not so fond of the low pay.  But being in Manhattan and close to the theater district were enthralling.  It didn’t feel like sales, but more like sharing new discoveries.  

In the 80s, Bloomingdales was a hub of activity.  Andy Warhol walking through the store with his entourage was a regular occurrence.  Meeting Liza Minelli who was shopping with her sister, Lorna Luft, was not.  Waiting on Donald Sutherland was another highlight, finding his gentle demeanor as disarming in person as on the big screen.  I also loved the special international features and displays throughout the store that promoted fashion, art, films, food, and history from whatever country was being showcased.  So when I was passing through Bloomingdales yesterday it was nice to see that they were experiencing a renaissance.  Italy was having its moment at the flagship store.  I waxed nostalgic remembering the energy of those earlier years.  Glad to see the store, at least for this moment, has gone back to its roots.  

Now while I look back on the many fortunate experiences I’ve enjoyed, I will go into the last quarter of this year to create new memories.  I’ll enjoy seeing actors on stage exercising their craft rather than shopping on their time off.  I will slowly promote my book on my terms.  And, I will appreciate working as a psychotherapist with amazing individuals, rather than as a salesperson seeing others for brief encounters.  

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Review what you’ve accomplished or learned so far this year, while thinking of what you may plan for the next three months.  
  • Slow down when possible.  It allows us to enjoy the moment even while moving forward.  
  • Remember that joy comes from feeling your feelings no matter how hard that can be.  Joy is not denying hard feelings and topping them with forced happiness.  

A Day Trip Downtown, Week Thirty-Nine in the No Longer New Abnormal

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I enjoyed one of the best New York City combinations this weekend, I made my way downtown to Gansevoort Street to see the traveling exhibit, The Great Elephant Migration, a large exhibit to support Asian Elephants in India in the Meatpacking District.  From there I stopped at the Whitney Museum to see a preview of a fabulous exhibit honoring Alvin Ailey.  Finally I stopped at Chelsea Markets for what I can only describe as a super delicious end to a wonderful day.  The halvah sundae at Seed & Mill is an amazing treat I discovered years ago and had yet to return before yesterday.  The entire experience was energizing and made me so happy.  

I can easily latch on to negative thinking if I am in the company of others’ upsets.  I wanted a nap, but instead I willfully walked across town to take the C subway to 14th Street to carve out this quintessentially New York City experience.  Though, the Great Elephant Migration will be coming to Miami and Los Angeles via Browning Montana. 

 https://thegreatelephantmigration.org  

These kinds of experiences make it a lot easier to take care of mundane tasks for the rest of the weekend.  And, though I post about special experiences my life, as well as most other lives, consist of mundane tasks.  That is not a bad thing.  When we appreciate how these tasks support our day to day the mundane can be the greatest self-care and care for others we provide.  Getting my laundry done, straightening up the apartment, walking Lucy, or stopping at the grocer gets me through my week.  And when there is an art exhibit or a new show in town those are simply the Halvah topping on the sundae.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Breath in Ease, Breath out Stress.  Repeat. 
  • Rather than filling in your time with those who have become obligation relationships, see if you can set limits with them and find those with whom you can relax and be accepted for being yourself.
  • Turn on some music and dance.  Even one song can shift our energy.  

Not Okay, Week Thirty-Seven in the No Longer New Abnormal

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It is good to be home.  I was so happy to see clients again, and I look forward to seeing the few I haven’t seen yet in the next weeks.  One of the self-care tips in last week’s post was my suggestion to complain.  And, that’s what I did this week.  I wrote letters to the various companies that provided less than adequate service.  I was not mean or disrespectful, but I did let them know that offering incentives rather than ignoring customers comments can build loyalty.  Delta Airlines was the only corporation who did their best to make up for their shortcomings.  Although they cannot give us back the time we lost or the experiences we weren’t able to enjoy, they contacted me on email and by phone to try to ensure they did what they could to ameliorate the situation .  I really appreciate that.  

I grew up working for my father’s business, a small shoe store in South Jersey.  During the busy seasons, back to school, the winter holidays, and Easter, the hours were long.  My father and his employees instilled in me the need to take good care of the customers.  The motto went, “the customer is always right.”  Sometimes they stretched that by bringing in shoes that were well worn insisting on a free new pair because of some recent issue with them.  I could not tell them that the life of the shoe was over.  My job was to make sure they left satisfied.  My father lost a lot of money thar way.  But he was a proud businessman, and he made sure that my customer service was impeccable.  That has stayed with me throughout my working life.  

I do get it wrong from time to time.  I’m sure I’ve said something or have behaved in a way that may have upset some.  I will own up to it when it’s relayed back to me.  So, I want to give businesses the benefit of the doubt by letting them know what didn’t work, what they can do to make it better, if that’s possible, and to let them know I will vote with my wallet.  I will give them repeat business if I matter as a customer.  And I will find another source of service if I they don’t do the right thing.  So many companies spend a great deal of their budget on promotion and sales.  They forget that giving good service on the back end is just as important.  I am glad I wrote the letters giving me a voice.  They may not want to hear it, but at least there’s a chance for change if I say something.  I hope to hear from one or more of the companies. If I don’t that’s okay, I did what I could and now I can let it go.  Hopefully no more letters have to be written in the future.  I am so appreciative when businesses and employees go above and beyond.  They make a lasting difference.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When a business representative treats you poorly or ignores you, say something, whether in person, in an email, a letter or an online form.  Speak to the source.  Sometimes it’s human error, and sometimes someone isn’t suited for customer service.  But you deserve a voice in these interactions.  
  • Try to give others the benefit of the doubt.  Usually, people do not want to be unhappy.  Often, they aren’t aware how they come across.  When we give another the benefit of the doubt, we create space for change because we are not blaming them, which puts them on the defensive and perpetuates the negative cycle.  
  • It’s September, clean out your freezer.  Find what needs to be thrown away, what you forgot you had that can be a meal this week, and what you might want to restock.  

There is Kindness, Week Thirty-Five in the No LOnger New Abnormal

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I was on a walk, and I came across a clergyman in a booth outside his church.  He was there to provide kindness, spiritual support, and to make passersby smile.  I love that he serves the community in this way.  It is reminiscent of Lucy’s Psychiatric Help 5 cent booth.  Growing up I loved watching or reading Peanuts cartoons.  I had a soft spot for Charlie Brown, knowing what it was like to be an underdog, yet fortunate enough to have kind friends like Linus or Peppermint Patty.  

I have had the good fortune of hearing Pastor Gregory, the church’s clergy, give a eulogy for a friend.  His warmth is ever-present, his kindness infectious.  It was a meaningful reminder when I saw him on the corner ready for anyone who approached, that every day is alive and well .  His very presence renewed my faith in humanity.  His life is committed to service.  And, with his humor and compassion he walks the walk.  

Later in my stroll I took a moment to sit on a park bench to removing gravel from my open-toed shoes having traversed the path around the reservoir.  I saw a plaque that honored our dogs and again I smiled and appreciated the joy shared by the couple who donated the plaque.  They could easily have memorialized themselves, but instead they showed gratitude and honored our relationship with dogs.  And, even later in the day I was making my way to the laundry room when two neighbors I didn’t know stepped into the elevator and held it for me.  I didn’t need it, but they gave up their time to wait for an older and slower neighbor, just in case.  Again, kindness reigns.  

In these divisive times, made even more contentious while we move closer to election day, it makes a tremendous difference when we can take in and appreciate the goodness around us.  It costs us nothing to be caring towards others, yet it seems to be easier to criticize or complain rather than act with kindness.  Today was a day that reminded me that there are good people sharing goodness in simple ways that are meaningfully impactful.

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Have patience with a stranger.  They may need the extra care you provide.  
  • If you’re on the Upper Eastside on a Tuesday morning, stop by 88th and Lexington to visit with Pastor Gregory.  https://www.immanuelnyc.org
  • Take a moment to smell the flowers.  Though the lilacs are drying up, bring them to our noses is a fragrant joy.  

Choices, Week Thirty-Four in the No Longer new Abnormal

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When thinking about what to write this week I went through several topics.  I thought of feeling refreshed from being away, but thought it sounded elitist.  I was thinking about writing on simplifying my life, but at this point it’s an idea rather than something I’m practicing presently.  Then I thought of speaking about how happy I am to work after being away, but it didn’t feel like it was going anywhere.  So I’ve settled on a short piece about making choices.  Some choices, like what to write this week, are low stakes.  Some choices, like how to support a loved one suffering, are harder to assess.  No matter our choices, most of us will second guess ourselves.  We believe there’s a right or perfect option.  Usually that’s not the case.  We choose as best we can given where we are in our lives and the circumstances surrounding the choices.  

When I was younger I preferred others to make decisions.  I was too uncomfortable to be responsible for anyone not liking a choice I made.  I learned to repress my own disappointment when others made choices that weren’t my preference since I wasn’t going to take the ball into my own hands and run with it.  it’s taken many years and many “failed” attempts to learn that I have a say in how I live my life.  There’s a peace that comes from choosing what is right for me in the here and now.  Even if I have to clean up a mess that I hadn’t anticipated, I become more conscious as time goes on.  

What if we thought of our choices as life lessons?  We learn from what we choose.  Sometimes it means we learn to trust our instincts when we have a gut feeling but are swayed by others’ ideas of practical solutions.  Sometimes we make a choice and it may upset someone else.  Can that be an opportunity to see if you share the same values?  Or can it be a chance to work through the difference of opinion?  So many in this world are left with no choices because of the cruelty of others, poverty, or other external strife.  Sometimes that conflict stems from within.  In those moments compassion for ourselves or others may be the only kind choice to make.  

Whatever hard or easy choices you face, may you be easy on yourself, understanding that at the very least you’ll learn something useful that will help you with future choices.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • An exercise in making conscious choices: switch up a routine.  If you brush your teeth front to back, or top then bottom, do it the other way to see how it feels.  Or if you’re a sock, sock, shoe, shoe person.  Try sock, shoe, or start with your left foot rather than the right. You might feel differently, but your habits become moments of awareness.  Self-Care Tips:  
  • Donate to an underfunded class or school.  Now is the time they need school supplies.  If you can donate in your city, town or community that would be great.  If not, here is one link:  https://www.adoptaclassroom.org
  • When you are confronted with a choice, whether easy or hard, allow yourself the courage to make the choice, being open to learning from the process of choosing and the ensuing results.  

I Made it to Ireland, Week Thirty-Three in the No Longer New Abnormal

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I first started reading Roddy Doyle’s books as a young adult.  I can’t remember if my sister, Sharyn ,recommended on of them, or if the movie The Commitments came out and I became an instant fan of his.  Either way, his writing along with other authors such as Frank McCourt, Maeve Binchy, and Edna O’Brian had me long to visit Ireland. 
 
After a good many decades I made it here.   That is where I am as I write this in a hotel in beautiful Killarney Town.  Today as we drove around the Ring of Kerry seeing spectacular views on one of the few clear and sunny days, my breath was taken away again and again.  Even tonight, I was able to enjoy my first Irish sunset.  Previous nights the clouds obscured any variation in color.  Gray was the prominent hue throughout.  
 
So, rather than tell you about this trip, which has been delightful throughout, I am sharing some pictures from my phone wielding photo app.  
 
Thanks for taking the time to see a snippet of what I saw.  
 
Self-Care Tips:
Enjoy reading or listening to a Roddy Doyle novel.  Funny & moving.  
Find a version of “Danny Boy” that you favor.  Here is one blog with a number of versions:  http://21essays.blogspot.com/2013/01/ten-great-recordings-of-danny-boy.html
Think of books, music, and art that have influenced choices you’ve made in your life.  It could be travel, recipes, occupations, friends, or anything else.  Always important to see how the arts affirm us and change us.  
 

Traveling, Week Thirty-Two in the No Longer New Abnormal

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This weekend I walked in the steaming heat enjoying Summer Streets while traversing Park Avenue without cars.  I will miss the next two Saturdays, so it was a pleasant reprieve to have more than enough room while walking among pedestrians, runners, and cyclists.  I am going away.  Initially I packed for a hot summer, but according to the lower temperatures in Dublin I was ill prepared.  Following my lovely and tiring walk, I  unpacked and repacked for a ten-day trip to Ireland.  Instead of tank tops and sandals I’m bringing sweaters and socks.  

I am very excited.  Reading Edna O’Brian and Roddy Doyle, starting in high school, have instilled in me a love of Ireland, though I’ve never step foot on the Island.  It was my college friend, Shawn Wilson’s idea.  We had been trying to get together for years.  We both have busy professional lives with very different schedules.  Shawn threw out the idea and the trip was planned within a day.  Not only did we agree on the one week that was good for both of us, but she found an amazing local tour that appealed to both of us.  Since I am usually the planner in my family, it was an extra luxury to have my friend take care of the details.  

We’ll meet up in Dublin and go from there, probably taking too many pictures.  In the meantime, I have a few off-the-beaten-path pictures of New York City, pre-vacation.  

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Hugs.  If you know a good hugger exchange a great hug.  If you are on your own, wrap your arms around yourself for a self-loving embrace.  
  • Seek out something unusual for you.  Read an article from another point of view.  Look up an unfamiliar country and find out about its culture, foods, landscape and customs.
  • Enjoy in-season fruits and vegetables.  The peaches are divine.  The strawberries and blueberries are at their peak.  And summer squash is sweet and versatile.  

Facing Obstacles, Week Thirty-One in the No Longer New Abnornal

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This morning things did not go as planned.  I could not find my luggage scale for a vacation organized for next week.  It wasn’t in the usual places, so I did a deeper dive with no luck.  Next, I attempted to send emails, and had to restart my computer.  I wasn’t able to find my to-do list I wrote in the wee hours last night so I could check off tasks one at a time.  It showed up, but it meant I got a later start.  Of course, there are some days like this.  I’ll do what I can today and let go of the rest.  What I do know is that I plan to see women’s gymnastics trials on TV tonight.  I’m looking forward to it.  

I’m not sure what Olympians do when things don’t work out well at any given time. Of course, there’s no comparison between a quotidian day as opposed to training and performing in competitive sports as an elite athlete.  But it is certain that whatever they go through they transcend limitations to perform their best when required.  That is only part of what is so inspiring about watching the best of the best.  I was moved to see the boats down the Seine with each country’s athletic representatives.  It took so much for them to make it to this moment.  And, they all deserve our respect for their commitment to excellence.  That was only topped off when Celine Dion, who has had so many hard days while tackling stiff person syndrome, sang with power and poise. 

Watching the Olympics reminds me of the human capacity to obtain our dreams if we work hard and keep our eye on our goals, always remembering why we want to reach our aspirations.  So, when we face obstacles small and large, we can process them on our way to our main objectives.  Whether that’s producing a blog post, or most importantly these weeks, competing for a place on the podium wearing a metal, let us learn and grow so we can prevail.  

 Self-Care Tips:

  • When we face obstacles, take a moment to see if that means going in another direction, pausing before starting up again, or powering through.  There is not one way to handle challenges.  But we can all benefit from having patience and being kind while assessing the choices.  
  • Be awed and inspired by watching the Olympics.  
  • Find a sport you usually don’t watch just to see how other athletes perform.