It’s A Lot of Hard Work to Find Ease, Week Forty-Three in the No Longer New Abnormal

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In the USA we have a national and local election coming up and the stress related to that is palpable in most communities.  There is division and animosity.  Strong feelings are being played out in arguments, and in non-political spaces.  Road rage, short tempers and dismissiveness abound.  To offset that we have to make intentional choices.  Can we find lightness in all of this infuriation?  I’m working on it.  But it’s not easy.  Meditation works.  It’s not an instant fix, but the more I spend time focusing on the present the more I can stay in all the other present moments, and not get caught up in election anxiety.  Patience helps.  If I can understand that my expectation that things should go a certain way are in conflict with the reality at hand, I can calm myself down.  

I am not listening to news that instigates my ire for their ratings.  I read AllSides, https://www.allsides.com/unbiased-balanced-news, so I can understand opposing points of view and reach my own conclusions.  I also like 1440,  https://join1440.com. Neither are complete news sources, but I can follow a story if I want more.  The outline format is calming rather than activating.  I take walks, swim, and dance.  I love the arts, which immediately take me into a creative and often healing mindset.  Theater has been a balm in these times, as have museums, concerts and dance performances.  The city can be frenetic, which can heighten anxiety.  But the city is an amazing resource for the arts and green spaces that counterbalance that collective angst.  

Let us work to live with equanimity.  We may not wield political power, but when we feel that we have agency in our personal lives, we can find ease by acting in ways that align with kindness, consideration, compassion and respect.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When you find you are getting agitated, take three deep breaths.  Ask yourself if the current situation is necessary?  Do you need a break?  Can you give yourself what you need at that moment?  And, if not, ask yourself what you may need later, and when you will be able to provide that for yourself?  
  • Humor is a great equalizer.  Find humor that is not harmful to others but allows you the freedom to laugh with abandon.  Think of old skits, tv shows, or comedians who have been funny from your past.  
  • Create space from people in your life who are instigators.  Whether you have to walk away because they just can’t help themselves, or whether you can find ways to communicate that limit their negativity, you will feel the relief very quickly.  

Unloading, Week Forty-Two in the No Longer New Abnormal

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I have too much stuff.  I just spent hours going through drawers and closets to clean out what I don’t want anymore and what I don’t need.  Though I’m happy I did that and now I can bring bags to the thrift store, and bags to the trash, I am still left with too much stuff.  Some things like outdated membership cards were easy to throw out.  Vitamins and minerals I rarely take, office supplies I may need at some unknown point in time, and other sundry items make it harder for me to determine their usefulness.  When I was younger and lived alone, the small apartment size made it easy to throw things out.  I simply didn’t have the space.  Though I am so grateful for all the storage space in our present apartment, I find that clutter accumulates in the recesses of those closets.  

Now my satisfaction of cleaning out my home office is tempered by how much I still have to get done.   This is the push me, pull me factor of much of life.  I do my laundry and a week later I do it again.  I go for a beautiful walk on a Tuesday and it’s time for another walk on Wednesday.  The more I reside in the mindset of what’s next, the more I lose the simple gratification of being in the moment accomplishing my set goal.  In theory, we should all live in the moment and be where we are.  But we are human, and our brains cannot be set to one mindfulness station.  So while I go back and forth reminding myself what has to get done, and feeling good about what I’ve already done, I can laugh at how easy it is for me to go from a mindful moment to a critical one and then back again.  Whether we’re cleaning out our space, meditating, walking, getting our laundry done, or doing all the things that make up our lives, we can notice when we are kind to ourselves, and when we slip into being hard on ourselves, practicing mindfulness moment to moment.  In some ways it’s like cleaning our closets, letting go of the thinking we no longer need, making space for more positive reinforcements.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Go through old business cards, membership cards or reward cars and throw out anything outdated or no longer relevant.  
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  • If you tend to move ahead to what’s next, see if you can refocus to what you’re presently doing or where you are, and see if you can focus on something in the present moment.  It may surprise you how it releases stress. 
  • Take note of any pleasure derived from what you accomplish.  Adding moments of positivity builds our self-esteem.  

Happy/Sad, Week Forty-Two in the No Longer new Abnormal

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Have you ever done something that makes you so happy you can feel the sadness below the surface?  That is exactly what I’m experiencing now.  I went for a run.  The weather is beautiful in New York City.  Perfect for a run.  The sun was tucked under the clouds so that I could see a gleam, but I didn’t have to shade my eyes.  East End Avenue, right by the water, was free of traffic so that I could soften my steps with Asphalt rather than pounding the concrete pavement.  I was happy to get out after too long a break from running.  I didn’t overdo it.  I went as far as I could while respecting my limitations.  All was good.  Yet, while I felt gratitude and joy, I also felt heavy hearted.  There is much in the world that saddens me.  I see no easy fixes.  And, too many are struggling and even suffering due to dehumanizing beliefs, powerful weather forces, war, bullying, and judgement with righteousness.  Need I go on?  

It is hard to know what organizations get money, supplies and direct help to those in need.  I’m not always sure what to say to my friends and family who are in pain or dealing with health issues.  Or how do I tell my friends who have been hit by hurricanes, flooding and tornadoes that I’m thinking of them when, at the moment, our area hasn’t been hit by powerful forces?  How do I stay compassionate when so many are angry, and rightfully so?  Since I’m not certain what to do, I will send love.  My imperfect offer to those struggling.  Yet I still feel so much sadness.  I also feel the joy of connecting to others, of connecting with you.  Let us all find ways to bring love, care, support, and resources where and to whom we can.  

Self-Care Tips: 

  • Allow yourself to feel mixed emotions.  It’s a richer experience than controlling hard feelings. 
  • Offer thoughts and/or support where you can.  It can be for those you know or those who you know need immediate help.  
  • Exercise your ability to listen. Rather than sharing your own experiences, ask someone how they are and simply listen as they speak.   

Marilyn Maye, Week Forty-One in the No Longer New Abnormal

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Marilyn Maye is a legend.   Perhaps you haven’t heard of her?  She is a 92-year-old cabaret singer who gives her audiences stylized singing and beautiful arrangements of standards.  I had been meaning to see her for years and it finally happened this past week. A dear friend and I came to see her at 54 Below, the storied cabaret underneath the Studio 54 Theater.  Marilyn’s first album came out in 1965.  She appeared on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson more than any other singer, 76 times.  I could go on, but you can easily look her up.  

She is a pro.  Her warmth and generosity are palpable.  She loves her audiences, and we love her back.  It was inspiring to see her perform.  Not only is she a consummate pro, but she makes it seem easy to share her love of the music while standing for her entire set.  The couple with whom we were sharing our table have seen her show over thirty times.  This is not unusual with her audiences.  Prior to the show we watched a community of fans greet each other as if they were reunited for another family event. 

What inspired me most when watching a master at work, was that Marilyn Maye was doing what she loves on her own terms.  Few of us have her longevity, let alone the stamina to constantly work on our craft and then dazzle others.  She has what it takes, and she shares it freely.  Going to her show has given me the vivacity to keep going.  I may or may not realize my future dreams, but Marilyn Maye inspired me to do all I can to continually pursue them.  She has a gift and she keeps on giving. 

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Learn from those older than you.  So many have wisdom that they are happy to share.  It might just inspire you.  
  • Bring alacrity to your craft.  When you add a positive energy to what you’re doing it’s uplifting for you and others. 
  • Don’t forget to sing.  It’s a mod changer.  

Fourth Quarter, Week Forty in the No Longer new Abnormal

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We are entering the last quarter of 2024.  I feel like I’m rushing to accomplish what I had intended this year.  Some things take longer than others.  I had hoped I would have been able to promote my book more, but I had so much to learn.  And some of the promotion is not for me.  Given it isn’t what I had imagined, it’s important that I am grateful for what I could do.  I am grateful for all those who supported me and the book.  And, I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned thus far, like the fact that I prefer smaller discussions to larger presentations.  And that I don’t enjoy marketing, nor have I ever enjoyed it.  Sharing something freely and needing to sell something are very different.  

I was in sales for a number of years in my teens and early twenties.  I started by working the cash register at my father’s shoe store.  I learned quickly that the description of a job and the job itself weren’t one in the same.  Being a cashier also meant vacuuming, stocking shoes, running lunch orders, and doing inventory.  I stayed in sales at local department stores, and when I came to New York City in 1981, I worked at Bloomingdales.  It was a glamorous store where I got to see many celebrities, imaging that this tentative connection had deep meaning for my hopes to be an actress.  I did love being there, though I was not so fond of the low pay.  But being in Manhattan and close to the theater district were enthralling.  It didn’t feel like sales, but more like sharing new discoveries.  

In the 80s, Bloomingdales was a hub of activity.  Andy Warhol walking through the store with his entourage was a regular occurrence.  Meeting Liza Minelli who was shopping with her sister, Lorna Luft, was not.  Waiting on Donald Sutherland was another highlight, finding his gentle demeanor as disarming in person as on the big screen.  I also loved the special international features and displays throughout the store that promoted fashion, art, films, food, and history from whatever country was being showcased.  So when I was passing through Bloomingdales yesterday it was nice to see that they were experiencing a renaissance.  Italy was having its moment at the flagship store.  I waxed nostalgic remembering the energy of those earlier years.  Glad to see the store, at least for this moment, has gone back to its roots.  

Now while I look back on the many fortunate experiences I’ve enjoyed, I will go into the last quarter of this year to create new memories.  I’ll enjoy seeing actors on stage exercising their craft rather than shopping on their time off.  I will slowly promote my book on my terms.  And, I will appreciate working as a psychotherapist with amazing individuals, rather than as a salesperson seeing others for brief encounters.  

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Review what you’ve accomplished or learned so far this year, while thinking of what you may plan for the next three months.  
  • Slow down when possible.  It allows us to enjoy the moment even while moving forward.  
  • Remember that joy comes from feeling your feelings no matter how hard that can be.  Joy is not denying hard feelings and topping them with forced happiness.  

A Day Trip Downtown, Week Thirty-Nine in the No Longer New Abnormal

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I enjoyed one of the best New York City combinations this weekend, I made my way downtown to Gansevoort Street to see the traveling exhibit, The Great Elephant Migration, a large exhibit to support Asian Elephants in India in the Meatpacking District.  From there I stopped at the Whitney Museum to see a preview of a fabulous exhibit honoring Alvin Ailey.  Finally I stopped at Chelsea Markets for what I can only describe as a super delicious end to a wonderful day.  The halvah sundae at Seed & Mill is an amazing treat I discovered years ago and had yet to return before yesterday.  The entire experience was energizing and made me so happy.  

I can easily latch on to negative thinking if I am in the company of others’ upsets.  I wanted a nap, but instead I willfully walked across town to take the C subway to 14th Street to carve out this quintessentially New York City experience.  Though, the Great Elephant Migration will be coming to Miami and Los Angeles via Browning Montana. 

 https://thegreatelephantmigration.org  

These kinds of experiences make it a lot easier to take care of mundane tasks for the rest of the weekend.  And, though I post about special experiences my life, as well as most other lives, consist of mundane tasks.  That is not a bad thing.  When we appreciate how these tasks support our day to day the mundane can be the greatest self-care and care for others we provide.  Getting my laundry done, straightening up the apartment, walking Lucy, or stopping at the grocer gets me through my week.  And when there is an art exhibit or a new show in town those are simply the Halvah topping on the sundae.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Breath in Ease, Breath out Stress.  Repeat. 
  • Rather than filling in your time with those who have become obligation relationships, see if you can set limits with them and find those with whom you can relax and be accepted for being yourself.
  • Turn on some music and dance.  Even one song can shift our energy.  

Good People, Weeek Thirty-Eight in the No Longer New Abnormal

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During the pandemic I started listening to Glennon Doyle’s podcast.  I truly enjoy her honest and funny stories that entertain and invite us to challenge ourselves and grow.  I don’t have a direct quote, but she said at one point that when she started her podcast she spoke to each individual, understanding their importance, even when others were telling her she had to grow her audience.  I come back to that again and again as others in the publishing industry and related fields, give a hundred different ways to grow an audience.  These suggestions and tips require time, sometimes soft selling, and more often than not, money.  What is not mentioned is that bigger may be good for sales of my book, but it is not always better for me.  Helm

For example, I had a most wonderful experience this week.  My local Barnes & Noble was kind enough to host a reading of my book In the Time of Coronavirus, Reflecting on the Past to Create a Joyful Future.  It’s a smaller branch with limited space for a reading.  I posted on social media, but did not do a blitz campaign.   Larry, my husband, also, thoughtfully posted on Facebook.  I was hesitant to post more given the limited space.  Many people could not make it but were so caring to send well-wishes.  I came to the event, a bit nervous since I’m not a public speaker and tend to fumble when reading.  As it turned out each and every person who attended the intimate event was special to me.  It meant so much that they personally were there.  The questions were thoughtful, the response was supportive.  It was deeply gratifying to see and enjoy their company at something that meant a lot to me.  

An experience like that is rare.  I remember my dear friend, no longer with us, Michael DePrisco, who hosted an amazing 21st birthday party for me.  He went above and beyond to invite friends from my past and present.  He found a baker to create a special cake so I could enjoy it despite whatever crazy diet I was on for the moment. He hosted it at one of my favorite Philadelphia restaurants. The party was so special.  But I was stuck on friends who didn’t come.  It was hard to for me appreciate who was there.  I am so grateful that in the over forty years since then I could learn that what is in front of us is more important than what ideas we made up in our heads.  I’m sad that because I was stuck on those absent I was not as good a friend to Michael as he deserved.  

Each person who came to the book reading took time out of busy schedules.  They bought books, they gave their undivided attention when they could have been anywhere else.  I am so grateful for that level of kindness and generosity.  My book may never become a best seller.  Or, it may despite my lack of “building a platform.” But doing this reading and hearing responses has been an ongoing gift orfrecognizing the specialness in those I know and love.  

Self-Help Tips:

  • Close or cover one eye and notice what you see and what that perspective is.  Now switch eyes.  Notice the differences. What changes when you switch eyes?  Now look through both eyes.  See if you can recognize an expanded view.  
  • Take a moment following an interaction or a get-together.  What are you feeling?  What do you notice about yourself?  Sometimes we are not able to see who nourishes us, or what situations are best for us.  An interaction may be challenging, but we can feel empowered following the exchange. Conversely, we can think someone is “nice” but afterwards we are critical of ourselves or feel bad about ourselves in some way, indicating that person may not be as good for us as we had thought.  
  • By simply putting our forks or spoons down while tasting and chewing our food, we automatically slow down and create greater conscious dining.  
  • Pick up a signed copy of In the Time of Coronavirus at the Upper Eastside at Third Ave and 87th St.  Or, purchase it online for more than two hundred self-care tips and more. 

Not Okay, Week Thirty-Seven in the No Longer New Abnormal

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It is good to be home.  I was so happy to see clients again, and I look forward to seeing the few I haven’t seen yet in the next weeks.  One of the self-care tips in last week’s post was my suggestion to complain.  And, that’s what I did this week.  I wrote letters to the various companies that provided less than adequate service.  I was not mean or disrespectful, but I did let them know that offering incentives rather than ignoring customers comments can build loyalty.  Delta Airlines was the only corporation who did their best to make up for their shortcomings.  Although they cannot give us back the time we lost or the experiences we weren’t able to enjoy, they contacted me on email and by phone to try to ensure they did what they could to ameliorate the situation .  I really appreciate that.  

I grew up working for my father’s business, a small shoe store in South Jersey.  During the busy seasons, back to school, the winter holidays, and Easter, the hours were long.  My father and his employees instilled in me the need to take good care of the customers.  The motto went, “the customer is always right.”  Sometimes they stretched that by bringing in shoes that were well worn insisting on a free new pair because of some recent issue with them.  I could not tell them that the life of the shoe was over.  My job was to make sure they left satisfied.  My father lost a lot of money thar way.  But he was a proud businessman, and he made sure that my customer service was impeccable.  That has stayed with me throughout my working life.  

I do get it wrong from time to time.  I’m sure I’ve said something or have behaved in a way that may have upset some.  I will own up to it when it’s relayed back to me.  So, I want to give businesses the benefit of the doubt by letting them know what didn’t work, what they can do to make it better, if that’s possible, and to let them know I will vote with my wallet.  I will give them repeat business if I matter as a customer.  And I will find another source of service if I they don’t do the right thing.  So many companies spend a great deal of their budget on promotion and sales.  They forget that giving good service on the back end is just as important.  I am glad I wrote the letters giving me a voice.  They may not want to hear it, but at least there’s a chance for change if I say something.  I hope to hear from one or more of the companies. If I don’t that’s okay, I did what I could and now I can let it go.  Hopefully no more letters have to be written in the future.  I am so appreciative when businesses and employees go above and beyond.  They make a lasting difference.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When a business representative treats you poorly or ignores you, say something, whether in person, in an email, a letter or an online form.  Speak to the source.  Sometimes it’s human error, and sometimes someone isn’t suited for customer service.  But you deserve a voice in these interactions.  
  • Try to give others the benefit of the doubt.  Usually, people do not want to be unhappy.  Often, they aren’t aware how they come across.  When we give another the benefit of the doubt, we create space for change because we are not blaming them, which puts them on the defensive and perpetuates the negative cycle.  
  • It’s September, clean out your freezer.  Find what needs to be thrown away, what you forgot you had that can be a meal this week, and what you might want to restock.  

The Good and Frustrating Trip, Week Thirty-Six in the No Longer New Abnormal

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Is there anything I can learn from the Rocky Mountains?  They are strong, ever present.  They are high and majestic.  They are stalwart.  We went on a trip to see the Canadian Rockies.  They are simply magnificent. Sadly, our journey was not.  Starting with an eight-hour delay to get to Vancouver, an over two-hour delay on first leg of our trip and a six-hour delay that cut into our time being able to view the Rockies, plus a three-hour delay coming home, our patience and hopes for the trip were continually challenged.  Then Larry got sick, which further cut into the pleasure we were seeking by getting away.  

Such is life, though.  It is rare that all goes well.  Can we go with the flow when the flow is closer to choppy waves?  Maybe not.  Nonetheless, there was so much to enjoy on the trip, most notable was the splendor of the landscape.  There is nothing like mountains to put our very existence into perspective.  So, I will leave you with what we did see, pictures from the land.  And I hope I can learn to stand like a mountain, changed by the seasons but holding steady.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Stand in the Yoga Mountain Pose.  Stand tall making sure not to over extend, nor slouch, Simply be.
  • Take notice of natural processes rather than trying to place your will ahead of the circumstances at hand.  If that’s difficult, give yourself some grace.  And, if you’re able to do it, though it is great, and you can acknowledge it, do not over-congratulate yourself as if it’s better than anything else.  That takes away from the very experience.  
  • Complain.  We are often told it’s negative if we complain. But in productive complaining we move closer to letting go of any adverse circumstances.  

There is Kindness, Week Thirty-Five in the No LOnger New Abnormal

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I was on a walk, and I came across a clergyman in a booth outside his church.  He was there to provide kindness, spiritual support, and to make passersby smile.  I love that he serves the community in this way.  It is reminiscent of Lucy’s Psychiatric Help 5 cent booth.  Growing up I loved watching or reading Peanuts cartoons.  I had a soft spot for Charlie Brown, knowing what it was like to be an underdog, yet fortunate enough to have kind friends like Linus or Peppermint Patty.  

I have had the good fortune of hearing Pastor Gregory, the church’s clergy, give a eulogy for a friend.  His warmth is ever-present, his kindness infectious.  It was a meaningful reminder when I saw him on the corner ready for anyone who approached, that every day is alive and well .  His very presence renewed my faith in humanity.  His life is committed to service.  And, with his humor and compassion he walks the walk.  

Later in my stroll I took a moment to sit on a park bench to removing gravel from my open-toed shoes having traversed the path around the reservoir.  I saw a plaque that honored our dogs and again I smiled and appreciated the joy shared by the couple who donated the plaque.  They could easily have memorialized themselves, but instead they showed gratitude and honored our relationship with dogs.  And, even later in the day I was making my way to the laundry room when two neighbors I didn’t know stepped into the elevator and held it for me.  I didn’t need it, but they gave up their time to wait for an older and slower neighbor, just in case.  Again, kindness reigns.  

In these divisive times, made even more contentious while we move closer to election day, it makes a tremendous difference when we can take in and appreciate the goodness around us.  It costs us nothing to be caring towards others, yet it seems to be easier to criticize or complain rather than act with kindness.  Today was a day that reminded me that there are good people sharing goodness in simple ways that are meaningfully impactful.

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Have patience with a stranger.  They may need the extra care you provide.  
  • If you’re on the Upper Eastside on a Tuesday morning, stop by 88th and Lexington to visit with Pastor Gregory.  https://www.immanuelnyc.org
  • Take a moment to smell the flowers.  Though the lilacs are drying up, bring them to our noses is a fragrant joy.