Tag Archives: Emotions

Happy/Sad, Week Forty-Two in the No Longer new Abnormal

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Have you ever done something that makes you so happy you can feel the sadness below the surface?  That is exactly what I’m experiencing now.  I went for a run.  The weather is beautiful in New York City.  Perfect for a run.  The sun was tucked under the clouds so that I could see a gleam, but I didn’t have to shade my eyes.  East End Avenue, right by the water, was free of traffic so that I could soften my steps with Asphalt rather than pounding the concrete pavement.  I was happy to get out after too long a break from running.  I didn’t overdo it.  I went as far as I could while respecting my limitations.  All was good.  Yet, while I felt gratitude and joy, I also felt heavy hearted.  There is much in the world that saddens me.  I see no easy fixes.  And, too many are struggling and even suffering due to dehumanizing beliefs, powerful weather forces, war, bullying, and judgement with righteousness.  Need I go on?  

It is hard to know what organizations get money, supplies and direct help to those in need.  I’m not always sure what to say to my friends and family who are in pain or dealing with health issues.  Or how do I tell my friends who have been hit by hurricanes, flooding and tornadoes that I’m thinking of them when, at the moment, our area hasn’t been hit by powerful forces?  How do I stay compassionate when so many are angry, and rightfully so?  Since I’m not certain what to do, I will send love.  My imperfect offer to those struggling.  Yet I still feel so much sadness.  I also feel the joy of connecting to others, of connecting with you.  Let us all find ways to bring love, care, support, and resources where and to whom we can.  

Self-Care Tips: 

  • Allow yourself to feel mixed emotions.  It’s a richer experience than controlling hard feelings. 
  • Offer thoughts and/or support where you can.  It can be for those you know or those who you know need immediate help.  
  • Exercise your ability to listen. Rather than sharing your own experiences, ask someone how they are and simply listen as they speak.   

Letting Go, Week Eighteen in the No Longer New Abnormal

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When I was younger and I upset someone, I would replay the incident over and over again.  I found it intolerable that someone would be upset or angry with me.  It felt devastating.  I would apologize again and again, becoming a nuisance.   Sometimes people would be more upset with my groveling than they were with the original upset.  I couldn’t get it out of my mind.  It felt like anything I did that hurt others was unforgivable.  There was no fun to be had.  

As a new age devotee in my late teens to early thirties I had embraced the idea of letting things go.  But I didn’t know how to do that.  I couldn’t let discriminatory situations go.  I was beyond upset when I was judged unfairly.  And, as explained, I couldn’t let things go when someone was upset with me.  

In this time of polarization, and post-pandemic frustrations, we are seeing more and more people hold onto ideology that is not being played out on the world stage.  It’s easy to look at the dismay and think that they should just let go of their fury.    But that is easier said than done.  

How many times have we been told, “Just let it go?”  I think that usually tells us more about the person who is advocating for letting it go.  I have found that letting go is a process.  It is not something you can simply do at a moment’s notice.  Though that seems to be the desire of others.  We have not expanded our tolerance for differences, so it can play out that others tell us to let go so they can feel more comfortable.  

Let us have patience with ourselves and others.  Let’s work on soothing ourselves when we’re uncomfortable.  That can be essential in the letting go process.  When we aren’t fighting how we feel or how others feel, there is more space to let go.  Or, even better, there’s more acceptance of what is.  These are hard times.  Let’s see what we can gain from the discomfort rather than continually trying to shut ourselves and others down.  

Though I have no definitive answers, I do believe that self-compassion, compassion for others, as well as patience and kindness can be revolutionary acts in times of intolerance.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When you are working on letting something go, ask yourself,  “What am I experiencing?”  Then see if you can care for yourself as you go through it.
  • When you are upset with someone else’s stance, ask yourself, “What am I feeling in response to their stance?”  Then see what you need to care for yourself while not disparaging them.  
  • Do one small thing you’ve been putting off.  Today I mended a torn glove.  It’s not quite as good as new, but it’s done, and I can let it go.  

I Like Quotes, Week One of The No-Longer-New-Abnormal

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“Just do what works for you, because there will always be someone who thinks differently.”  Michelle Obama

I love quotes.  When I first started my psychotherapy private practice in the mid-90s before there were iPhones and Facebook, I had an answering machine, and the recording included quotes on there.  I changed them monthly or so, and it felt nice.  But I was a new therapist and I wanted to do things right.  It felt right to me.  Nonetheless, I was told by a senior therapist, one who I respected, that I might want to rethink having something so personal on my outgoing message.  The common practice was to be as neutral as possible. Her thinking was that a chosen quote could possibly be sharing unnecessary private information about me or, it might be misconceived.  

I regretfully took it off my machine.  I wanted to do the right thing, and as someone new to the field I thought a more seasoned therapist would know better.  Over the subsequent years I have come to believe that I can share quotes should I choose.  If a potential client feels uncomfortable with that, or they are not fond of the quote, then they are given important information and can move on to find the right therapist for them.  And those who align with whatever quote I post, may feel good about sharing in that philosophy.  Whatever the case, I have the freedom to express myself as long as I am also responsible for managing whatever consequences my actions may have.  

That therapist was trying to help.  I don’t think she was judgmental or bossy.  This is how she learned to practice and was simply passing on specific expertise.  I was too insecure to do what felt right for me, so I ignored my desire for self-expression is the service of doing what was deemed professional.  Now I understand that professionalism comes in many forms.  My office, described as shabby chic by one client, will not feel welcoming to someone who prefers a more neutral setting.  I wanted a homey feel.  It does impart information about me, whether in the artwork on the walls or from the books on my bookshelves.  And so be it. For me this is a welcoming space, but not for everyone.  

It’s taken me years to feel good walking in my own shoes.  They are not the worn tennis Tretorns my mother passed down to me in my teens and early adulthood.  Nor are they the stiff leather oxfords my dad brought home for me in my childhood and preteen years when they didn’t sell at his store.  They are shoes I’ve chosen on my own, colorful, wide, and comfortable.  I walk in them like the New Yorker I am, at a clipped pace walking around those who might slow me down.  

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” Dr Seuss

Self-Care Tips:

  • Find a quote or quotes you like and keep it (or them) in a place you can come back to.  It will remind you to smile or be inspired, or both.  
  • Identify ways in which you express yourself that feel good to you.  Also identify those who appreciate you for who you are.  Make a point to be in touch with them so you can enjoy the ease of feeling the freedom to simply be.  If you feel misunderstood, look for those who might potentially share in your style of self-expression so you can live fully as yourself.  
  • Learn from your mistakes.  Sometimes we have to go left to see clearly we have to make a U-turn so that we belatedly go right.