Marilyn Maye is a legend. Perhaps you haven’t heard of her? She is a 92-year-old cabaret singer who gives her audiences stylized singing and beautiful arrangements of standards. I had been meaning to see her for years and it finally happened this past week. A dear friend and I came to see her at 54 Below, the storied cabaret underneath the Studio 54 Theater. Marilyn’s first album came out in 1965. She appeared on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson more than any other singer, 76 times. I could go on, but you can easily look her up.
She is a pro. Her warmth and generosity are palpable. She loves her audiences, and we love her back. It was inspiring to see her perform. Not only is she a consummate pro, but she makes it seem easy to share her love of the music while standing for her entire set. The couple with whom we were sharing our table have seen her show over thirty times. This is not unusual with her audiences. Prior to the show we watched a community of fans greet each other as if they were reunited for another family event.
What inspired me most when watching a master at work, was that Marilyn Maye was doing what she loves on her own terms. Few of us have her longevity, let alone the stamina to constantly work on our craft and then dazzle others. She has what it takes, and she shares it freely. Going to her show has given me the vivacity to keep going. I may or may not realize my future dreams, but Marilyn Maye inspired me to do all I can to continually pursue them. She has a gift and she keeps on giving.
Self-Care Tips:
Learn from those older than you. So many have wisdom that they are happy to share. It might just inspire you.
Bring alacrity to your craft. When you add a positive energy to what you’re doing it’s uplifting for you and others.
During the pandemic I started listening to Glennon Doyle’s podcast. I truly enjoy her honest and funny stories that entertain and invite us to challenge ourselves and grow. I don’t have a direct quote, but she said at one point that when she started her podcast she spoke to each individual, understanding their importance, even when others were telling her she had to grow her audience. I come back to that again and again as others in the publishing industry and related fields, give a hundred different ways to grow an audience. These suggestions and tips require time, sometimes soft selling, and more often than not, money. What is not mentioned is that bigger may be good for sales of my book, but it is not always better for me. Helm
For example, I had a most wonderful experience this week. My local Barnes & Noble was kind enough to host a reading of my book In the Time of Coronavirus, Reflecting on the Past to Create a Joyful Future. It’s a smaller branch with limited space for a reading. I posted on social media, but did not do a blitz campaign. Larry, my husband, also, thoughtfully posted on Facebook. I was hesitant to post more given the limited space. Many people could not make it but were so caring to send well-wishes. I came to the event, a bit nervous since I’m not a public speaker and tend to fumble when reading. As it turned out each and every person who attended the intimate event was special to me. It meant so much that they personally were there. The questions were thoughtful, the response was supportive. It was deeply gratifying to see and enjoy their company at something that meant a lot to me.
An experience like that is rare. I remember my dear friend, no longer with us, Michael DePrisco, who hosted an amazing 21st birthday party for me. He went above and beyond to invite friends from my past and present. He found a baker to create a special cake so I could enjoy it despite whatever crazy diet I was on for the moment. He hosted it at one of my favorite Philadelphia restaurants. The party was so special. But I was stuck on friends who didn’t come. It was hard to for me appreciate who was there. I am so grateful that in the over forty years since then I could learn that what is in front of us is more important than what ideas we made up in our heads. I’m sad that because I was stuck on those absent I was not as good a friend to Michael as he deserved.
Each person who came to the book reading took time out of busy schedules. They bought books, they gave their undivided attention when they could have been anywhere else. I am so grateful for that level of kindness and generosity. My book may never become a best seller. Or, it may despite my lack of “building a platform.” But doing this reading and hearing responses has been an ongoing gift orfrecognizing the specialness in those I know and love.
Self-Help Tips:
Close or cover one eye and notice what you see and what that perspective is. Now switch eyes. Notice the differences. What changes when you switch eyes? Now look through both eyes. See if you can recognize an expanded view.
Take a moment following an interaction or a get-together. What are you feeling? What do you notice about yourself? Sometimes we are not able to see who nourishes us, or what situations are best for us. An interaction may be challenging, but we can feel empowered following the exchange. Conversely, we can think someone is “nice” but afterwards we are critical of ourselves or feel bad about ourselves in some way, indicating that person may not be as good for us as we had thought.
By simply putting our forks or spoons down while tasting and chewing our food, we automatically slow down and create greater conscious dining.
Pick up a signed copy of In the Time of Coronavirus at the Upper Eastside at Third Ave and 87th St. Or, purchase it online for more than two hundred self-care tips and more.
In thinking about what to write this week I wondered if I should write about Mother’s Day. But I decided that rather than writing more on the day that brings up so much for so many, I’ll limit my input by briefly folding it into the self-care tips, Then there have been amazing pictures online of the rare Aurelia Borealis. Though I didn’t witness it myself, those who captured the colorful wonder have posted images that defy words. What I’ve settled on is to say that when I reread my book a couple of months ago, In the Time of Coronavirus, for the last look before submitting it for publication, I became very uset. I thought, “Who do I think I am?’ and “what could I have been thinking?” and, “This is bad. I’m so embarrassed!” I have a long history of berating myself. At that moment I questioned my writing, and my hubris for thinking I could put a book out into the world.
I very down on myself. But I had gotten so far and I decided to give the final go-ahead, knowing I’d have to with all my feelings. It had been a dream of mine to be an author, and it was okay if this was my first, if flawed, book. I had learned a lot and I still have a lot to learn, so this would be a dream come true, even if there were things that upset me.
Once it was in pre-publication, the publishing date is June 4th, a few early reviews came in. They were very positive. The reviewers didn’t know me, nor did they have any incentive to write nice things about the book. Once I read a couple, I realized how hard I had been on myself, and, in turn, the book. Maybe I was simply wrong. Or I had unreasonable expectations. Not a rare trait. Just ask my family. I am grateful that others have been able to appreciate what I couldn’t. Though I know it’s probable that there will be mixed reviews, depending on the reader, it’s nice to know it will find its audience, and that is just fine.
Here are a few quotes from the reviews:
From Kirkus:
“Zinn writes in an unadorned style that feels both accessible and intimate. She discusses her subjects with gentle authority while making no claims to having all the answers.”
And:
“A pandemic remembrance that succeeds as both memoir and self-help guide.”
From the Book Commentary:
“In her poignant collection of reflections and self-care strategies, In the Time of Coronavirus, Janet Zinn examines the tumultuous landscape of the pandemic with grace and wisdom.”
And:
“This book might be about coping with the COVID-19 pandemic, but its wisdom is timeless, a message to accompany and inspire readers through any difficult moment.”
From The Feathered Quill:
“With its intimacy centering on Zinn’s experiences and its universality deftly depicted to reach the hearts and minds of others, her book is sure to fulfill the purpose she envisioned.”
And:
“ Janet Zinn’s self-help manual, In the Time of Coronavirus, offers an empathic, week-by-week view of the effects of coronavirus restrictions that will be read and appreciated by anyone seeking to solve a large variety of life’s problems.”
Though I was harsh with no clear perspective, I am open to the fact that my opinion in that dark place was purely subjective. I’m hopeful that other readers will find In the Time of Coronavirus useful and supportive when life’s difficulties emerge. In the end, my first book served its author when I was being too tough on myself.
Self-Care Tips:
Do what you can to reparent yourself. If your mother or caregiver was kind and accepting, you can replicate that care towards yourself. If your primary caregiver or parent was not someone who matched your needs, then find a way to be compassionate towards yourself for what you didn’t receive but can now give to yourself.
Another way to reparent yourself is to notice when you are being critical of yourself and ask “what can I do to be more accepting of what I’m going through?” And, “can I give myself something that might support me through this?”
Gift yourself a future copy of In the Time of Coronavirus. You can go to https://janetzinn.com or go to Amazon, Barnes and Noble, request it from your local library, or from an independent bookstore or book seller.
We can be shiny and perfect and admired, or we can be real and honest and vulnerable and loved. But we actually do have to choose. Glennon Doyle Melton
I listen to Glennon’s podcast, “We Can Do Hard Things.” On one of her podcasts she said that she used to worry that no one was listening to her. Her audiences were small, her readership small. But then she started seeing and hearing the few who were listening. She realized that each person was important, not the number itself. It was so meaningful to hear that. I have taken it to heart.
A couple of years ago I had an idea for a book on courage. I worked on it assiduously, but it needed more rewrites. I took a break. The first thing I was told while writing the first draft was to build a platform. I was told if publishing companies would take me on as an unknown author they needed a large following from me. I tried to expand my readership as a blogger. I put out a few failed TikTok videos. I posted to most social media platforms. I was pushing too hard and not sufficiently expanding at my slow pace.
I’m no salesperson. Being an “influencer” requires a certain amount of salesmanship. It’s a specific skill set that I lack. In high school I tried sales, but it cost me more in gas than I ever made in earnings. Now, even though I’m supposed to be building a platform, I, instead, am finding out more about my readers. You matter. I am so grateful for your likes, your comments, your writings, posts and shares. I truly believe individuality outweighs crowds.
I am no longer upset, as I was when I was younger, when a party was small. I sadly focused on those who didn’t come rather than the caring souls who attended. That was a function of insecurity. It took a long time for me to appreciate those who show up. I can deal with small numbers of likes. I can look at the list and appreciate each person who has generously given of his/her/their time and consideration. My self-worth, our self-worth, is not how many people we connect with, but the quality of any and all connections.
I don’t know how many books of my pandemic era blog posts I’ll sell. I went with a hybrid press, Atmosphere Press, so I didn’t have to fully rely on my lack of sales acumen. They’d like me to sell a lot books, but it’s not a dealbreaker. Instead, I can continue to value the individual over the many.
I thank you for reading this, for being a part of my life, albeit, online, yet meaningful, nonetheless. You have truly helped.
Self-Care Tips:
* When you find that things didn’t turn out the way you expected, see if you can find the small gem in the new circumstances. It may not compensate for what you had hoped for, but it can give you something you didn’t know you needed.
* Think small. We often get overtaken by big numbers, big experiences. When we can be in the moment, we feel alive in a very special way.
* We live in a time of feeling overwhelmed. We can mitigate that by acknowledging what we have accomplished rather than focusing on what we think we have to get done.
As a psychotherapist I’ve noticed that so many people in and out of my office will say, “I know this is boring, but…” Traditionally therapists don’t respond, we only listen. I’m more interactive, so I respond to the statement that they think what they have to say is boring. I’m curious. I don’t find what they tell me boring. But I want to know how they see it themselves. The subject matter is secondary to their perceptions and experiences of living their lives. I am fascinated by that. Luckily my profession affords me to privilege of hearing their insights and opinions regarding their lives.
I can relate to the idea that what I have to say is boring. In fact, week after week in writing this blog I tend to stress over what I’m writing, then subsequently judging myself and my writing. I still write the piece figuring it may be boring for some and that’s the fate of putting something out there. It is perhaps even more true now that I am getting ready to publish my first book, In the Time of Coronavirus, Looking at the Past for a Joyous Future. It is a compilation of blog posts from the pandemic.
I’ve always wanted to write a book. And when a book I was working on about courage hit a wall, I decided to pivot and publish this book at the prodding of others. I will return to the courage book, as finishing it will be an act of courage in its own right.
In the meantime, I’m working on all the backroom details that have to get done to sell a book. I don’t like it. And, yes, I find it either stressful or boring, but necessary, nonetheless. So, I take walks, go to the theater, work, and enjoy small moments of grace to insert joy throughout the process. And when I’m stressed, I find solace in all that is boring. Boring is a gift. I used to think all things boring was a problem when I was younger. No more. In both my personal and professional lives, boring is anything but.
Self-Care Tips:
Enjoy a gratitude practice for anything you perceive as boring. Be grateful that life is providing a break from the hard stuff.
If you find something boring, tighten your focus and see if you can identify the small changes that take place. When driving it could be the music you’re listening to or the changes in the clouds. Focus on anything that shifts boredom to interest.
Rather than simply listening to, reading or watching those who have the same opinions and world views, listen, watch or observe with curiosity something or someone who sees things differently. Make sure to see if you can learn something rather than dismissing it right away.
Oh Boy, another opportunity to stress. We are going away to unload stress from city living, and yet here I am stressing about going away. I’ve gotten used to the steady hum of anxiety just below the surface. I have yet to speak to anyone during the pandemic that hasn’t acknowledged added stress. These feelings manifest themselves in many forms. For me, I have a hard time focusing, going from one task to another without completing any of them until I’ve come back around twice.
For the first time in years we will be at a place where there is no WiFi or cell service. To that end I set a deadline for myself to complete this post before we left. Last night was my made-up target. When I failed to do that, I had to search for another word rather than fail to come back to myself with some patience and understanding. Now I’m telling myself I simply did not finish this last night, and am doing that now.
This also meant that my walk, run or bike ride was going to be short today. I didn’t wake up early. Instead I slept until I woke naturally and abbreviated my previous goals. Perhaps we’ll settle in early enough for me to take a walk around the large property this evening. Or, not. Either way, we’re on an adventure. I am in turns, excited and nervous. And I’m interested how my stress will wane in the wooded Catskills.
Self-Care Tips
Do something sensual. This isn’t necessarily sexual. This has to do with your five senses. Find a scent you like, make touch a sensate experience. Mold clay, taste something divine. Listen to the birds or music, or secondary sounds.
Make-up with yourself. Think of something for which you got mad at yourself. Now let yourself know that you are your own reclaimed friend. As a friend to yourself you may feel more inclined to treat yourself with respect and compassion.
Learn something new. Whether you listen to someone who knows something you didn’t know, or whether you look up information online on a site like lifehacker.com or zidbits.com, it’s fun to learn facts, hacks or material new to you.
Do it differently. Like I had to shorten my run today, as well as my blog post, it can be relieving to accomplish something outside your routine.
Get away. If you’re not going anywhere try a virtual tour on Fodor’s or another travel website. Or, take a new route on a walk. Or leave your home for a safe place in a new venue. All can expand your outlook.
I had given myself a self-imposed deadline to write this post by tonight. But I was making no headway. I tried to start a couple of times, but they went nowhere. Lame ideas with no way out. And, it was a busy day, testing my thin veil of discipline. Finally I sat down to write in earnest, well, I was hoping for that when Lucy, our dog, indicated that she had to go out. So, I got up hesitantly, got her leash, put on my jacket, checking for bags and treats, and we headed down the stairs to a lovely Spring evening. I was walking down the block when we ran into a friend with her adorable dogs. I rarely get to see friends given my schedule, so this impromptu meeting, was an unexpected gift. We walked the dogs for a short time while catching up.
When they left, Lucy and I went into the park. There are guards and a patrol officer at our entrance, so I felt safe. Lucy took her time, sniffing to find just the right place to roll around. After that she was happy to take her time to do what we came out to do. All the while she’s happy to be outside, enjoying the sounds and smells of the park. Observing her had me realize that it’s the simple things that carry us through. Earlier I worked so hard to think of just the right blog post. Lucy’s ease of being reminded me that simply being out with her was pleasure enough. She reminds me to take my time, and enjoy the moment. She teaches me patience. I always want to walk quickly to the next thing, while Lucy is happy to be wherever she is. So, taking her lead, I’m acknowledging that this is where I am at the moment. I’m putting this on my blog because I told myself I’d write something. It’s not perfect. But, thanks to Lucy I at least have this much.
I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.
–John Burroughs
There was a time in my twenties & thirties when I did all the planning with my friends, when I sent birthday cards, and called to catch up. No more. As a working mom, trying spend time with my family, write on a semi regular basis, workout, and keep up with the day to day, I no longer have the mental dexterity to juggle anything else.
When Facebook came on the scene, I was able to be in touch with friends from around the world. My elementary school classmates created a Facebook page and eventually had a kickball reunion. It was nostalgic and great fun. And, it’s been terrific to connect to old friends, new acquaintances and others. On the advice of those supposedly in the know, I now have a twitter account, a Tumblr account and I signed up for Pinterest even though I’m not much of a photographer. I have a Linked-In account, though I’m not looking for a job, happy with my private practice as a psychotherapist.
All this seemed like a good idea at the time. Now, it’s just too much. I see the birthday reminders and the daily posts that I save, but never get to. It feels as if I’m rejecting people on five or more platforms. I just can’t keep up. The requests, good ideas, the reading, the blogs, and everything else that overloads my inbox are reminders of how behind I am. The mixed messages we get about the importance of self-esteem are sabotaged by the daily experience of not being enough. Always having something that we haven’t read, seen or known leaves us wanting. And, although there will always be things we never get to, the trick is to find a way to find peace with that fact. Hopefully I’m finding peace by writing about it. Other ways are to be engaged in what we do at any given moment, so that we are not filled with anxiety over what we have to get to. Namely, living in the future.
But, enough about that. I’ve got to go now. I have to look at the emails, texts and phone calls I won’t be able to answer. If you read this, kudos. If not, who can blame you? Chances are you’re doing something else.
janetzinn 