Some weeks are harder than others. Having heard from a number of people this past week was just such a week. I can certainly include myself in that mix. For that reason, I am going to don a virtual mask, making this a quick post, while wishing you all a Happy Halloween. Here are some city pics of the season.
Self-Care Tips:
Give yourself a break. If things are hard, find ways to let go of the normal routines to provide the energy needed for whatever is essential.
Dark humor that does not hurt anyone can even help in hard times.
If you celebrate, enjoy Halloween. If you don’t celebrate, lean into JOMO, the joy of missing out.
I’ve been watching Dear… on Apple TV. I found it by accident. While looking for another program a small square with Selena Gomez’s image caught my eye. I clicked on her framed face and came upon Dear… I watched the 30-minute segment and was immediately hooked.
The series features individuals in the public eye, some athletes, actors, writers, or activists, as they engage with letters of those who have been inspired by them The featured famous person’s influence has helped to change the letter writers’ lives.
We all have people in our lives, those who have touched us, helping us to be our better selves. My first memory of someone like that was Mrs.Schlosberg, my first-grade teacher at Stafford Elementary School in Cherry Hill, NJ. Prior to her coming to our school, my classroom was in a corner of the school auditorium. Our teacher was a mean woman who had me sit in the corner on a daily basis because I laughed out loud, a young child’s nervous habit. There’s a thin line between laughter and crying. By the end of my school days, at the age of six, having been shamed for laughing, I would cry for being treated poorly by that teacher.
Later in the Fall, we were moved to the old art room transformed into a new classroom. Our new teacher, Mrs. Schlosberg, was a compassionate educator who cared about her students. She didn’t see me as a bad seed, she saw me as a child who was struggling, and she took the time and attention to give me a better experience as a first grader. She helped me to become an ongoing learner. And she taught me the wisdom of separating behavior from the person. I did not inappropriately laugh in her class. I no longer felt uncomfortable. I could laugh with ease when something was genuinely funny.
It’s been a very long time since I was in Mrs. Schlosberg’s class. Since then so many have inspired me, from those I’ve never met like Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle and Michelle Obama to those who have personally touched my life. We may never know how we impact another person. Though well-known people have a larger platform, each of us have made a difference to someone. This is why kindness is so important. It grows exponentially, possibly making an impact even sixty years later.
Self-Care Tips:
Think of the unsung heroes of your life. Take a moment to silently thank them for the ways they’ve touched your life.
If you have Apple TV, check out Dear…. If you don’t, maybe you can find a documentary or a TED talk with an inspiring person.
Provide a simple act of kindness. You just might make someone’s day.
Do I speak of the unspeakable? This past week marks a tragic low in inhumane acts. I cannot get my head around it. As a Jewish psychotherapist I am in a similar position as I was when we faced the pandemic. I am going through something that I am also hearing from my clients. The sadness, along with so many other emotions, have been omnipresent this past week.
Since there are so many experts writing and speaking about the issues surrounding the terrorist attacks, I will not even try to address it head on. What I can speak to is how now more than ever we can attend to our mental health. We can care for ourselves with the utmost respect. We can be gentle and kind. Patience is required as we may seek out numbing agents or distractions while feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
Taking life slowly for the moment may allow for processing the pain while creating openings for the small joys of any given day. Walks have felt particularly therapeutic to me. I have gone to take in artwork, and I am listening to more soulful music. Rest has been mildly restorative at the end of my days and at the conclusion of my work week. I hope you will find the people and things that comfort you. As citizens of the world we are all impacted one way or another by this and other atrocities.
I pray for accord and wish for every innocent person to thrive on a peaceful planet.
Self-Care Tips:
Move slowly through the world. The movement will help with stress release, and being embodied helps locate and address your current experience. Gentle stretching, walking in nature, dancing to music that moves you are all suggestions for your body and soul.
Reach out to those you care about. Ask how people are doing. If you’re overloaded, no need to ask, you can simply let them know you’re thinking of them.
Pray and meditate. If you are a non-believer prayer can simply be taking in the world around you. Become acquainted with your inner and outer selves as we heal individually, and ultimately ,we heal for all humanity.
When I was growing up in suburban New Jersey I didn’t know anything about self-care. The first experience I had that felt like self-care was when my mom treated me to a facial at Strawbridge and Clothier. They were having a special promotion. Although I couldn’t control my weigh, we could try to tackle my acne this one time.
Though the focus was to improve my skin, It felt luxurious to have an aesthetician apply steam to my face followed by a facial massage then rich creams applied with gentle fingers. This was so different from the daily Strident Pads and mismatched Clearasil routine I’d become accustomed to.
The facial came with an unexpected make-over. I was beside myself with glee as I felt pampered in a way I had never experienced. When finished I looked much older than my fourteen years with the make-up, but I felt like a new person. A temporarily, sophisticated young woman who got facials. This felt like a real treat.
But following that one Saturday, the idea of self-care remained a mere memory for decades. Then in my thirties as I attended mental health workshops and retreats, I was reintroduced to the idea of self-care.
Self-care is not the same for everyone. It’s why I make suggestions rather than state that there are only certain ways to care for oneself. For many facials are a part of their self-maintenance. For me facials will always be a self-care activity, a rare treat while on vacation. There is a distinction between self-care and self-maintenance. And it is different for each of us
We all live unique lives and how we choose to spend our time can vary vastly. I now consider meditation self-maintenance rather than self-care. Viewing art once a week is self-maintenance for me. Often coupled by another maintenance activity, a destination walk. However, should I find myself in more than one museum, then the visits are self-care. Sleep is absolutely self-maintenance. A phone call to a friend with plenty of tears and laughter could be either self-maintenance or self-care depending on the friendship, the call’s purpose, and the timing.
It’s not always easy to distinguish the best ways to care for ourselves. I do believe that self-maintenance is still a form of care. Nonetheless, whether it’s self-maintenance or self-care, it’s an active statement that we matter.
Self-Care Tips (Or Suggestions):
Give a friend a call, or a text for a walk, coffee, a meet-up, or for a conversation. Make sure it’s someone with whom it’s natural and easy.
Start a savings account for something you want. It can be as small as $1 a week, or collect change in a jar. It all adds up if there’s a regular deposit, and it gives you something to look forward to that you earned yourself.
Find a way to volunteer. Find something you like so that it doesn’t feel like an obligation but a happy way to give to others. The season is upon us, so there are a lot of opportunities.
“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” That was a common idiom of our mother’s lexicon. She lived true to that statement. Even when she attempted to comment on something she disapproved of, she did her best to soften it. As a teen, I often was asked the question, “Janet, do you think that’s the most complementary outfit?“ Or it could have been make-up, pants, hair style or any other appearance-related observation. As a sensitive teen I was crushed no matter how much she tried to say it diplomatically.
I was not mature enough or confident enough to understand that we were separated by a generation, and our aesthetic tastes were informed by those differences. Nor did I appreciate that even when well-intended, a critique said in the most unobtrusively terms, can still be judgmental.
I learned that the hard way. I followed in my mother’s footsteps, not saying anything that wasn’t nice, but Larry and Alex, my husband and son, let me know that my expressions have screamed disapproval. So, though, “don’t say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say” is step one in being thoughtful, it by no means is enough.
I have had to learn to listen and see things from their point of view. I may be able to see that what they say or do isn’t right for me, but it is not my place to judge what is right for them, or anyone else, for that matter.
We’d all do better to focus on ourselves and what we can do to live our lives as best we can rather than determine how others should be living their lives. Whether we cast aspersions on others out loud or via facial expressions and body language, we are only indicating that we, ourselves, are intolerant or judgmental. And that is never a pretty look for anyone.
Self-Care Tips:
When you hear something that sparks negative feelings within you, do your best to set them aside as you listen to the other person so you can appreciate their perspective on choices they are making. You might learn something helpful rather than be reactionary, which usually changes nothing.
I suggest watching the docuseries Chimp Empire. On Netflix, if you have it It’s a relaxing view, while still creating a nice level of drama in the chimpanzees’ lives.
Since we are our own worst critics, see if you’re able to bring kindness and compassion when you’re feel critical of yourself, and do your best not to criticize yourself for not being kind enough.
janetzinn 