Category Archives: achievements

Finding Peace, The Fifty-First Week in the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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This week I’m sharing some past sunsets.  Seeing sunrises and sunsets makes me smile.  Sunsets remind me that nothing is permanent.  And sunrises are an apt metaphor that we always have a chance at a new beginning.  Both sentiments give me some peace.  And we could all use peace.

Too often when thinking of global peace we think it’s up to world leaders.  Or we can feel the futility of hoping for peace.  It’s easy to feel powerless when there are wars in too many regions of the world. When anger and hate fill our media outlets peace can seem allusive.  As a child, as with many of us, we learned the lyrics “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.”  I sung that song by rote.  I didn’t really think of what I was saying.  I found the tune bland.  I was not inspired.  And, yet, now when I hear talk of peace, and other songs referencing peace, I’m uplifted.  

Perhaps we can start with a smile.  It’s a small act, but it’s something we can offer.  There is a happy meditation that suggests we smile when we breath.  It changes our perspective and allows us to feel a bit lighter in the process.  And when we share a smile it brightens up someone else’s day. In the past I might smile from time to time, feeling good when people smiled back.  Admittedly I was resentful, as if I wasted a smile, when a blank stare or an unsmiling face looked back at me.  But I can’t really know if it was a wasted smile.  They may have had a delayed reaction.  In that case, I wouldn’t have been privy to a positive impact.  These days, I do my best to simply smile.  I don’t always get a smile in return, but when I do, I am doubly happy.   

 I suggest we all start smiling.  It may be an act of disruption since there has been a trend towards frustration, ire, and apathy.  But we can pierce through the murkier emotions and land on a piece of peace. 

This is not to say we should deny our feelings and err on the side of looking on the bright side.  That does nothing but perpetuate the murkiness.  Instead, we can acknowledge how hard it’s been and still share a smile with ourselves and others.  News cycles always use fear and anger as their hook.  Let’s lead with a smile, letting kindness be the hook.  Let’s nourish our joy rather than feeding our fears.  It’s a small step that can lead to collective inner peace.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Take three deep breaths smiling while breathing.  See if it changes how you feel.  
  • Challenge yourself to smile at others and see how it feels.  What comes up for you when they smile back?  And what happens when they don’t respond positively?  Take note of your feelings.  Then challenge yourself again to share a smile.  
  • What makes you smile?  Remember to watch, read, listen to, or enjoy whatever makes you smile.  

Forgiveness, The Fiftieth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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As the year approaches its end, forgiveness is on my mind.  I find that forgiveness is a process, though I used to imagine it was a one and done affair.  I earnestly believed that I could forgive someone and then I’d be okay with them.  I found that not to be the case.  It was easier to forgive if the person made changes.  Meaning they either stopped the offending behavior, or they started acting in a way they had avoided prior. 

When I was younger, probably, post three-years-old and before I was forty, when I did something that was not thoughtful of another and then was found out, I begged for forgiveness.  I needed to be forgiven to feel I could go on.  This may have come because my mother, known to others as being kind, was particularly unforgiving to her daughters.  One year I snuck into her bedroom closet to see if she got me a smart doll I coveted.  I couldn’t find it, but she found me in the walk-in, and then I made up a pathetic lie.  

When Hanukkah arrived the following week, I watched my sisters and brother open their gifts as I craved something to unwrap.  For seven evenings I sat with them hoping that night would be the night I would be forgiven and be handed a present for the holiday.  She begrudgingly gave me a gift-wrapped box on the final night.  And I acted as if the plaid pajamas was the nicest thing I owned.  

Now I understand that she was raising four children on her own since my father worked so many hours. And I had robbed her of one of the few joys she had as a mother, surprising us with gifts she secretly picked up while we were in school.  Plus, she was an honest person and lying was something she couldn’t abide.  I don’t know if she ever forgave me, or if my father pressured her to give me one gift.  Or, if neither were true and I simply needed a new nightgown, but I hugged her as if my life depended on it. 

I understood the power of forgiveness.  I made a point of forgiving, or acting as if I had forgiven as I soothed my soul until I could forgive.  And then I learned how forgiveness is something we give ourselves.  It takes away the negative feelings we harbor.  It releases us from the past so we can live lighter having unencumbered ourselves of umbrage.  My mother and I enjoyed that freedom as I matured, and I was able to appreciate all she had given me.  

Forgiving is not forgetting.  Forgiving is about not weaponizing past behaviors, of others or ourselves.  Forgiveness is an act of self-love.    We care enough about ourselves that we will not allow the past to hold us down.  And, yes, it’s a process.  Sometimes I have forgiven Larry, my husband, because he hadn’t thought of me when I wanted to be considered.  But I was not ready to let him know I forgave him.  I was still processing that forgiveness.  I knew I was in the final stages when I found my sense of humor and could own my part in our dynamic.  

And, though there is so much more to forgiveness, please forgive me for this short set of thoughts at the end of this year when too many have experienced way too much hurt.  For more on the subject, Harriet Lerner’s Why Won’t You Apologize is an excellent book on the subject.  

May we all find lightness of being by unshackling the burdens of our resentments.  Warm wishes this holiday season wherever you are in your path of forgiveness.  

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Read, reread, or listen to Harriet Lerner’s Why Won’t You Apologize.  Or listen to her TED talk:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5r6Y9uhmL6Y
  • If you’d like to forgive, have compassion for the pain and upset you’re experiencing.  Caring for yourself is an important step in forgiveness.  Malachy McCourt’s quote is a great reminder of the power of forgiveness: “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  
  • Taking action in the service of others, like donating to a beloved non-profit, volunteering, being kind to a stranger, are great ways to work on self-forgiveness.  

Consciously Unconscious, The Forty-Fifth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I was taken off guard.   I thought I was going through present difficulties consciously.  I was meditating.  I was practicing gratitude.  I was reaching out to friends.  And, yet the combination of a dear friend dying while adjusting to Larry, my husband, having a serious injury, along with the horrific world events, had me spiral so that I made poor choices, acted impulsively, inadvertently hurt others, all while losing sleep.  My reactivity was to repeat the pattern these last two weeks.  

If I hurt you, I am very sorry. It is said that we can do better when we know better.  It would have seemed that I knew better.  I did not.  I was in a fog of denial that prolonged my suffering.  I wish I could say that I was kinder and gentler after I hurt others. Sadly that was not the case.  It was only when I was being so hard on myself that I recognized very old behavior.

There is a hubris in believing that we are immune to unconscious behavior if we’re “doing all the right things.”  Being human is a process of uncovering our unconscious parts.  It took a trifecta of stressors to have me dig deeper.  Boy, am I humbled.  

Since I am in the middle of learning what I have to learn to grow now, I have no wisdom to impart.  I suppose I can share that we don’t know what we don’t know.  I am hoping to continue the learning process so that I do know better and therefore can be better.  These present life lessons are knockouts.  I am getting up slowly to face them, hopefully with more compassion and kindness.  I need that now.  From what I’m seeing, we all need that now.  

Self-Care Tips: 

  • If you are being hard on yourself, pause.  Ask yourself what’s upsetting you?  Is hurting yourself with thoughts familiar to you?  Has it worked?  (It’s never helped me feel better.)  What can you do that includes self-compassion and kindness?  Then try it.  
  • If you find you’re very reactive, getting upset easily, understand that these times might be hard for you.  See if you can give yourself a break.  When necessary warn those around you that you’re sorry but you may get upset easily.  And when that happens take the time to repair the damage if others are amenable.
  •   Forgive yourself. We’re all human.  We can learn so much from feeling shame, ending the cycle of being mean to ourselves because we made troubling mistakes.  That is how we learn and grow. 

Daylight Savings Time, The Forty-Fourth Week in the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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I voted early yesterday.  I like my councilwoman and I wanted to keep her in office.  What I don’t get to vote for is the abolishment of daylight savings time.  We turned the clocks back last night, and ostensibly we got an extra hour of sleep.  Then in April we “spring” ahead losing that hour.  I say, no thank you.  

As a child, I was delighted to stay in my pajamas longer on a crisp Autumn Sunday.  Now, it feels like a game I’m playing that I never agreed to participate in.  I accept the inevitability of daylight savings time along with other events not of my choosing.  

I believe Daylight Savings Time or “DST” began in 1908 in Thunder Bay, Canada, a northern bay town of Lake Superior.   It was decided that DST would help to take advantage of the daylight while also conserving energy.  Then two years into WWI the Germans and Austrians instituted DST and it became an international trend.  And, though not a trend in all countries, it is observed by over seventy countries worldwide.  

I have no doubt that it works to some advantage for others.  But, for me, given the upside-down state of our world, I’ll take a modicum of stability when I can.  

Whatever your stance on DST, may your day be bright, and your shorter days be filled with light.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • While there may not be a lot in life that’s under your control, try to find the few things that you can freely choose and enjoy your personal selections within the options available.  
  • If you’re someone who leans on routines, see if you’re able to switch it up.  In this way you can experience something new, both in the new action taken, as well as the reaction to it.  One example is to put your shoes on opposite to the way you’re used to putting them on.  If you start with the right food, try starting with the left.  If you put both socks on before you put your shoes on, try putting one sock on followed by your shoe, then repeat.   
  • If you’re in New York City, go to the marathon path today and be inspired by the racers. If not, enjoy seeing aerial views on TV.  

Those Who Move Us, The Forty-Second Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I’ve been watching Dear… on Apple TV.  I found it by accident.  While looking for another program a small square with Selena Gomez’s image caught my eye.  I clicked on her framed face and came upon Dear…  I watched the 30-minute segment and was immediately hooked.  

The series features individuals in the public eye, some athletes, actors, writers, or activists, as they engage with letters of those who have been inspired by them The featured famous person’s  influence has helped to change the letter writers’ lives.  

We all have people in our lives, those who have touched us, helping us to be our better selves.  My first memory of someone like that was Mrs.Schlosberg, my first-grade teacher at Stafford Elementary School in Cherry Hill, NJ.  Prior to her coming to our school, my classroom was in a corner of the school auditorium.  Our teacher was a mean woman who had me sit in the corner on a daily basis because I laughed out loud, a young child’s nervous habit.  There’s a thin line between laughter and crying. By the end of my school days, at the age of six, having been shamed for laughing, I would cry for being treated poorly by that teacher.  

Later in the Fall, we were moved to the old art room transformed into a new classroom. Our new teacher, Mrs. Schlosberg, was a compassionate educator who cared about her students.  She didn’t see me as a bad seed, she saw me as a child who was struggling, and she took the time and attention to give me a better experience as a first grader.  She helped me to become an ongoing learner.  And she taught me the wisdom of separating behavior from the person.  I did not inappropriately laugh in her class. I no longer felt uncomfortable.  I could laugh with ease when something was genuinely funny.  

It’s been a very long time since I was in Mrs. Schlosberg’s class.  Since then so many have inspired me, from those I’ve never met like Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle and Michelle Obama to those who have personally touched my life.  We may never know how we impact another person.  Though well-known people have a larger platform, each of us have made a difference to someone. This is why kindness is so important.  It grows exponentially, possibly making an impact even sixty years later.    

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Think of the unsung heroes of your life.  Take a moment to silently thank them for the ways they’ve touched your life.  
  • If you have Apple TV, check out Dear….  If you don’t, maybe you can find a documentary or a TED talk with an inspiring person.  
  • Provide a simple act of kindness.  You just might make someone’s day.  

Saying Nothing, The Thirty-Ninth Week in the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  That was a common idiom of our mother’s lexicon.   She lived true to that statement.  Even when she attempted to comment on something she disapproved of, she did her best to soften it.  As a teen, I often was asked the question, “Janet, do you think that’s the most complementary outfit?“  Or it could have been make-up, pants, hair style or any other appearance-related observation.  As a sensitive teen I was crushed no matter how much she tried to say it diplomatically.   

I was not mature enough or confident enough to understand that we were separated by a generation, and our aesthetic tastes were informed by those differences.  Nor did I appreciate that even when well-intended, a critique said in the most unobtrusively terms, can still be judgmental.

I learned that the hard way.  I followed in my mother’s footsteps, not saying anything that wasn’t nice, but Larry and Alex, my husband and son, let me know that my expressions have screamed disapproval.  So, though, “don’t say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say” is step one in being thoughtful, it by no means is enough.  

I have had to learn to listen and see things from their point of view.  I may be able to see that what they say or do isn’t right for me, but it is not my place to judge what is right for them, or anyone else, for that matter.  

We’d all do better to focus on ourselves and what we can do to live our lives as best we can rather than determine how others should be living their lives.  Whether we cast aspersions on others out loud or via facial expressions and body language, we are only indicating that we, ourselves, are intolerant or judgmental. And that is never a pretty look for anyone.    

Self-Care Tips:

  • When you hear something that sparks negative feelings within you, do your best to set them aside as you listen to the other person so you can appreciate their perspective on choices they are making.  You might learn something helpful rather than be reactionary, which usually changes nothing. 
  • I suggest watching the docuseries Chimp Empire. On Netflix, if you have it  It’s a relaxing view, while still creating a nice level of drama in the chimpanzees’ lives.  
  • Since we are our own worst critics, see if you’re able to bring kindness and compassion when you’re feel critical of yourself, and do your best not to criticize yourself for not being kind enough.  

Hygge, The Thirty-Eighth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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There is a distinct feeling of “hygge’” a Danish word for contentment that comes from comfort and an easy friendliness, that perfectly describes the vibe we encountered in Copenhagen.  Last week we had taken advantage of an Icelandair special to visit Copenhagen.  I have always wanted to go to Nordic countries, but they seemed so remote.  This deal with a stopover in Iceland was exactly what I needed to bridge the gap from a dream to a reality.  

Throughout the years I’ve read food and travel blogs about Denmark and Copenhagen.  And Copenhagen did not disappoint.  The food was excellent.  It’s so much fun to visit the outdoor markets, the covered markets, the cafes, the bakeries, and the restaurants.  And, like New York, Copenhagen is a great walking city.  Every chance I had I walked for miles, getting lost, finding myself in unknown neighborhoods or parks where there was always something new I encountered.  

Our very first day in Copenhagen, jetlagged and hungry, we set off for a foodhall.  The closest good one, we were told, was only one stop away on the “S” train.  We dutifully walked the 15 minutes to the train station, bought our four-day pass for public transportation.  The machine preferred European credit cards, so another ten minutes were spent trying to obtain our cards, but we prevailed.  Next, we set off to find the S train, only to see that there were multiple tracks.  We were flummoxed.  

Luckily, a passerby helped us out and though we ended up on the Subway, we eventually found our way to the market.  She was the first of many who embodied the hygge vibe.  She was friendly, considered our request, and offered the best way she knew to get there.  Even though we stopped others who had not known the directions we needed, all were kind, pausing from their morning commute to listen fully to our request.  And, though it was our first hour in the city, there were many interactions that reflected the hygge mentality.  

Right before we left for vacation, I had read a post that was critical of those who share their vacations on social media.  She, the poster, saw it as bragging.  It’s possible my posts can be perceived that way.  Though not my intention, I do understand that traveling is a luxury, and it’s not always accessible to all.  And, yet I love traveling and it’s an aspect of my life that always feels enriching.  However, I did wonder if it was appropriate to share my travels.   

After considering her post, I decided to share my experience.  Travel means a lot to me.  It gives me joy.  Not only do I get a great deal out of traveling, the least of which was learning more about hygge on this trip, but I do bring back what I learn and do my best to apply it to my everyday life.  I’m happy to be home.  There is a hygge in sleeping in my comfortable bed, though I do miss the feather beds on our mattresses in Copenhagen.  I am grateful to apply a new type of ease to my daily activities.  There’s a good reason Denmark is the second happiest country in the world.   I hope to visit Finland at some point, as that was rated number one.  I look forward to seeing what I can learn on that trip.  

Self-Care Tips:  

  • If you listen to or read someone who has a very strong opinion, see if it applies to you.  What they say is reflective of their point of view.  So often we shut down our expressive selves because someone else says it’s not okay.  Do your best to be okay with your choices and live your life fully as you, while not purposely hurting yourself or other. And understand not everyone will be okay with your choices, only you have to be okay with them.  
  • Apply “Hygge” to your life.  Find ways that bring ease and comfort.  It’s simple but not always easy to take the path of least resistance.  
  • Create a savings account for a specific goal or dream.  For instance, I have a separate travel account.  Even if your budget is small, set aside a dollar a week, less if that’s what’s needed.  It can make the goal seem more real.  There are many no fee apps and banks that allow for this type of account.  Or you can use a specific change jar for a goal.  This is great at any age.  

Happy New Year, The Thirty-Seventh Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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It’s Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.  The year is 5784.  Back in 5734, in my teens, I worried about my clothes.  Was I going to wear my new wool dress, or was the warm September day going to deem it irrelevant?  I knew it was going to be a long day of prayer followed by a huge family meal.  I went to Synagogue, but I did not feel at home in the dressy world of the fancy Schul.  I felt more at home in the down-to-earth synagogue of my friends.  But members paid dues, and there was no seat for me in their sanctuary.  

Over the years I’ve moved away from observing in a house of worship.  It can be a deeply meaningful experience for many, but I prefer to pray and meditate in private.  Nonetheless, I do wish my Jewish friends & family, friends or family of other beliefs, acquaintances, and readers, a year filled with freedom from suffering. I wish you peace.  I hope you enjoy a sweet New Year.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Enjoy the sweetness of honey to remind you of the sweetness in life.  Tradition has us dipping slices of apple in honey, but feel free to create your own sweet reminder.  
  • Try releasing something that’s been hard to let go of.  It can be an item, or it can be an attitude.  This will create new space for some peace of mind.  
  • What does freedom from suffering look like to you?  Like me, does that mean inserting more kindness and forgiveness for myself and others?  Or does it mean taking an action that will allow for more ease?  Don’t suffer in making a choice, just choose the best course for you and see if it relieves suffering.  

Labor Day Weekend, The Thirty-Fifth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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When I was growing up summer was always book ended by the academic year’s completion in June and a new school year following Labor Day.  In between were hot days at camp, or at home in the backyard under the sprinkler, with regular trips to Hidden Lake or the Haddontown Swim Club for substantial wet reprieve from the beating sun.  

Here we are at this 2023 summer’s finale on this Labor Day weekend.  The air is cooler as if a declaration that summer is at its end.   In my teen and preteen years I would have been working at my father’s shoe store ringing up saddle shoes for the cheerleaders, parochial oxfords for local children attending Catholic schools, and Buster Browns for the public elementary school crowd. 

There was anticipation in the air.  We went to Korvettes or Grants to load up on school supplies, including Lego-sized sharpeners for our number 2 pencils.  Figuring out what to wear on the first day was a pressing matter after first grade.  Oh, how I loved my plaid wool skirt, with red fringe and a large gold-plated safety pin as an adornment.  It was worn with a Danskin ribbed turtleneck, and red tights that never stayed up, causing me to waddle home at the end of that first day.  I didn’t care.  I loved that 60s fashion trend.  

Now in my 60s, I appreciate those memories, and miss the clear delineation of seasons as signified by the school year.  Time now is not marked by classes and tests.  The year is of my making.  Though I appreciate the freedom that allows, I do wax nostalgic for the endless summers and the structure of school in session.  

As I let go of this summer and welcome Autumn in all its glory, I hope you, too, can enjoy sweet memories while relishing the transformative Fall season.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Give yourself a break.  If you have a “should” for this weekend or week, pause to see if it must get done, or whether you can put the “should” on pause and do something restful and/or fun instead.  
  • Learn a new word, and when possible, use it.   I can recommend “WordDaily.com. However, there are a good number of vocabulary apps and sites.  This week featured the word “Disembogue,” meaning a river or stream flowing into the sea or a larger river.  
  • Delete unwanted or unused app or apps from your phone.  Or you can unsubscribe from  mailing-lists you find annoying.  Letting go of the junk emails, and ignored apps can feel like a reset.  

Beneath the Facade, The Thirty-Third Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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Growing up my mother and her mother were sticklers for good manners.  I made a point of saying please and thank you.  I was afraid they would view me as rude, and I didn’t want that moniker.  My grandmother would point out other children who might have been louder than us, or publicly whiny, and she’d use those children as cautionary tails of behavior we were to stringently avoid.  

I appreciate good manners.  Things can be pleasurably orderly when people stick to the rules, when the rules make sense for all.  And I am always grateful for good manners.  Yesterday, when I once again rode Park Avenue for Summer Streets, I made a point of thanking the police and the Department of Transportation volunteers and temp employees for being there.  I was so grateful and happy to share that gratitude.  All but one smiled back, and they were nice exchanges along the beautiful ride.    

I was grateful I started out early so that the roads weren’t crowded.  I was grateful for the cool morning air, a rarity in August.  I had filled my tires so my ride was smooth.  And to those that I thanked I may have seemed nice.  But lurking underneath the gratitude and manners was a highly judgmental, cranky older woman.  For the day I had become an architype.   I was mad that some cyclists were in the right lanes, while some runners were in the left lanes.  There was clear signage.  Had I not been a shaky rider, I could imagine myself raising a fist each and every time I noted an interloper.  I also wasn’t pleased when motor bikes vroomed down the supposedly gas-free streets.  

In hindsight, I think these things scared me.  I’m a tentative cyclist.  I like empty roads without ruts. Smooth riding feels safer to me.  If I give myself grace, I can now see that my righteous anger was a defense of my fears.  And perhaps my fright isn’t specific to my bike ride.  Maybe it’s global warming anxiety.  Or a world in which people act out their fury in arbitrary ways.  Or fear of an unknown future.  Whatever the case I will do my best to ease my fears while living fully.  I’ll continue to have good manners, a multigenerational practice.  And I’ll check myself with care when my anger, judgment, and cantankerous nature peak out.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When angry, check to see if the strong emotion is protecting a more vulnerable part of you.  If so, see if you can soothe yourself making room and a safe space for your frailer nature.  
  • Challenge yourself in small ways by doing things that feels doable even if you’re a little bit afraid.  It can be as small as a public bicycle ride in a busy city, stating a preference when you’re usually agreeable, or stepping out in a way right for you
  • Try reading or watching a genre that is new or different for you.  I came to appreciate graphic novels, even if it’s not my go to.  See if you might come to understand what others see in another genre.