I’ve dropped the ball. I haven’t answered emails, returned calls or followed through on making plans. This is not like me. Well, the me I used to be. Apparently, it’s very much like me at the moment. Usually I’m on top of things. Often I’ve stayed up late to make sure everything gets done. Not now.
Tonight I almost missed a terrific show. I tried to purchase tickets at the last minute, even though I planned to go weeks ago. And when I went online it was sold out. My friend Kathy bailed me out and gave me her ticket, so I was able to enjoy Brad Freyman in Pimm’s Mission. I was lucky this time, but who knows the consequences with my next near miss.
I seem to be the rather undependable, someone I swore I’d never be. Yet, here I am avoiding or forgetting to be more responsible. I promised myself I’d write more this summer. I was going to write a pitch and a proposal. I was going to read more. Do some research. I didn’t, though. There are exhibits to see I have yet to view. Not a priority, but still….. I’m not diligent with my running either. I don’t know what accounts for my lack of luster. But here I am behaving in a way foreign to me.
I have to say, I need this break. I have always been busy, too busy. I’m busy now, just not as busy with all the coulds & shoulds. I guess the difference now is that I’m not fighting this phase so much. I don’t understand it, but I imagine there’s a good reason for it. So while I’m missing what I think needs to get done, I’ll be curious about this rare break from my norm.
There is a myth that if we just did things better or differently we could avoid some unpleasantness. That certainly has been my credo for a long time. My self-criticism has known no bounds. I was sure that my unhappiness was a matter of me lacking something essential. And, once I was able to gain that something special, I would know eternal happiness. In my mind this included having more money, a fit body, harmonious relationships, and constant inner peace.
I thought I just needed to be more positive. Or, I should be more disciplined, or less critical. Maybe that’s true, but going on a mind loop of what I need to change hasn’t actually helped me. So, rather than perpetuate this thinking, I’m trying accepting my negativity. And, when I say accepting, I am not saying I am proud of it, nor do I really want to flaunt it. But I can say that it’s part of how I think and if it’s part of me, it’s worth accepting.
I work so hard to be a better person. I’m tired of working so hard, especially when that work brings me back to my starting point. And, now that I’ve returned to my imperfect self, I think I’ll stay here for awhile and see how it feels. Perfection is a great concept, but it’s not really part of my everyday reality. I’m taking a break. Secretly, I’m hoping embracing imperfection is the answer to getting it right. I guess that’s part of the endless loop. And, so it goes….