Category Archives: couples

Soup’s On, Week Fifty-One in the No Longer New Abnormal

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It’s soup season.  A pot of lentil soup is simmering on the stove.  I plan to enjoy any number of soups throughout winter.  This batch of lentil soup is flavored with Moroccan spices. When I’m not able to get away it’s fun to tour the planet from my kitchen.  I’ll create an Italian tomato basil soup next week, and then a Thai chicken soup after that.  As a child soup was limited to Campbell’s, and later Progresso.  I liked them well enough, but the first time I had real Greek chicken and lemon soup, I knew the canned options were relegated to my past.  

Soup is also a wonderful metaphor for the fullness of our lives.  How much spice do we enjoy?  What is the base of your life’s soup?  I like variety so I tend to have a few pots on the stove.  I enjoy bold flavors, but once in a while I prefer a simple broth.  On those occasions, staying home or getting away to a quieter environment makes all the difference.  This week the soup was full of holiday cheer.  Norm Lewis is performing a holiday concert, which he deems a party, at 54 Below.  He knows how to bring true joy to every stage where he performs.  And the New York Pops just had their holiday concert at Carnegie Hall with Jessica Vosk, an amazing performer I only discovered this week.  I will be catching up on her unparalleled talent by listening to her albums while cooking my soups.  

This holiday season can easily bring many feelings some delightful, like when enjoying a concert of top talent. Or it can feel lonely, like when you are missing those we’ve lost to illness or circumstances beyond your control.  Think about what you need.  What do you put in your soup?  If you’re up for it, there may be volunteer opportunities that can be deeply gratifying.  Or gift yourself something from your closet.  Find a sweater you forgot you had.  Or, open up a jar of spice you rarely use for your own special soup.  Be thoughtful about what you need these next couple of weeks.  Comfort and joy can take many forms.  In the same way that soup is an ever-changing course.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Make soup.  Or enjoy soups that others make.  Warm yourself in this cold weather. 
  • In really cold weather, putting on a pair of latex medical gloves as liners below your gloves will keep your fingers extra toasty.  
  • Discover Jessica Vosk for yourself.  If you already knew of her, then revisit her dynamic talent.  Enjoy her holiday album.  Here’s a video to enjoy a taste:  https://www.instagram.com/p/DDz1GjbpUcg/

An Anniversary, Week Twenty-Seven in the No Longer New Abnormal

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It’s something of an irony that my and my husband’s 27th wedding anniversary is on the 27th week of this year.  I like coincidences like that.  When the stars align, I feel good all over.  Twenty-Seven years is probably the longest commitment to anything I’ve done in my life.  I like variety, so in the past I could do something for a while and then I’d move on.  I took a very different tactic for our marriage.  While Larry is someone who likes routines and enjoys what he knows, I like to try new things, preferring to being adventurous rather than staying in place.  Though we were a bit older than our contemporaries when we got married, I was 38 to Larry’s 45, we had a lot to learn about relationships, particularly long-term relationships.  

Since our respective backgrounds varied a bit, we each brought a bit of balance.  I learned to enjoy the here and now more, while Larry learned to enjoy exploring.  I expanded my love of rock & roll, bluegrass and country music.  And Larry learned to enjoy solo performers and some Broadway & off-Broadway musicals.  I learned to appreciate food on the road, while Larry eats more salads now.  The list goes on, but you get the point.  There’s give and take.  

And, because life isn’t fair, we’ve had our share of hardships.  We’ve weathered storms we weren’t sure we’d get through.  And, we’ve experienced unexpected joy, which has encouraged us to keep going.  So here we are in the 27th week of 2024, celebrating 27 years of marriage, and all that goes with it.  I’m proud of our stick-to-itedness.  It hasn’t always been easy, but it has been rewarding.  And for that I am eternally grateful.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When we are spending time with someone who is very different than us, be curious.  See if their interests can help us to grow in any way.  
  • Celebrate pride.  Or, as an ally of LGBTQ+, show  support for all those who haven’t always had a chance to live openly proud.  
  • Hum.  Humming can be a mood lifter.  

Chasing Cherry Blossoms, Week Fourteen in the No Longer New Abnormal

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I made a trip to DC this weekend.  I was going to visit family, see a musical, get to the National Portrait Gallery and enjoy the cherry blossoms.  I was able to enjoy time with my family and see a most wonderful show at Arena Stage Theater.  Bu it turns out the Cherry Blossoms were premature this year due to the warmer winter months.  I thought I was early enough but that was not the case.  I saw trees with waning petals, the best in Takoma Park, MD.  But the city failed to provide me with the simple joy of full flowered trees wherever I went.  

My first sighting was while on a speeding train due south.  It looked promising on the bank of a river.  Once in the city limits, I got to my hotel room and ran out to ensure the best viewing possible.  Instead, they mostly alluded me.  I was able to spot a few here and there.  I walked the length of the mall to see what I could find.  There was one cropping which was filled with a crowd, mostly posing under and close to the trees.  Apparently a lot of people were visiting the capitol for the love of cherry blossoms.  

Though the cherry blossoms were disappointing for the most part, it turned into a game and each time I saw a flowering tree I got excited.  A made-up game, similar to those I played as a child.  The real thrill was seeing my in-laws who I haven’t seen in years.  They had changed and at the same time were very much the same in a comforting way that comes from familiarity.  Their garden is the product of love.  Their home, filled with beautiful artwork, was good to see again after too much time had passed.  Then, last evening was a true gift.  The Unknown Soldier, a stunning musical with beautifully woven threads composed by Michael Friedman, is a rich, nuanced show with an outstanding cast.  Though I didn’t see it when it premiered in New York City at Playwright’s Horizon, it was wonderful to enjoy in in DC.  

Outside the theater as light raindrops suddenly and unexpectedly arrived, an errant cherry blossom landed in my hair.  My weekend was complete.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Create a game for yourself this Spring of finding and naming flowers as you go about your activities.  
  • When you have an unfulfilled expectation, try to balance disappointment with discovery of hidden gifts.  It’s important you don’t deny your feelings.  But equally important that your disappointment doesn’t obscure something agreeable.  
  • If you’ve been meaning to call, write or visit someone, reach out.  We more often regret what we haven’t done rather than the actions we take.  

Forgiveness, The Fiftieth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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As the year approaches its end, forgiveness is on my mind.  I find that forgiveness is a process, though I used to imagine it was a one and done affair.  I earnestly believed that I could forgive someone and then I’d be okay with them.  I found that not to be the case.  It was easier to forgive if the person made changes.  Meaning they either stopped the offending behavior, or they started acting in a way they had avoided prior. 

When I was younger, probably, post three-years-old and before I was forty, when I did something that was not thoughtful of another and then was found out, I begged for forgiveness.  I needed to be forgiven to feel I could go on.  This may have come because my mother, known to others as being kind, was particularly unforgiving to her daughters.  One year I snuck into her bedroom closet to see if she got me a smart doll I coveted.  I couldn’t find it, but she found me in the walk-in, and then I made up a pathetic lie.  

When Hanukkah arrived the following week, I watched my sisters and brother open their gifts as I craved something to unwrap.  For seven evenings I sat with them hoping that night would be the night I would be forgiven and be handed a present for the holiday.  She begrudgingly gave me a gift-wrapped box on the final night.  And I acted as if the plaid pajamas was the nicest thing I owned.  

Now I understand that she was raising four children on her own since my father worked so many hours. And I had robbed her of one of the few joys she had as a mother, surprising us with gifts she secretly picked up while we were in school.  Plus, she was an honest person and lying was something she couldn’t abide.  I don’t know if she ever forgave me, or if my father pressured her to give me one gift.  Or, if neither were true and I simply needed a new nightgown, but I hugged her as if my life depended on it. 

I understood the power of forgiveness.  I made a point of forgiving, or acting as if I had forgiven as I soothed my soul until I could forgive.  And then I learned how forgiveness is something we give ourselves.  It takes away the negative feelings we harbor.  It releases us from the past so we can live lighter having unencumbered ourselves of umbrage.  My mother and I enjoyed that freedom as I matured, and I was able to appreciate all she had given me.  

Forgiving is not forgetting.  Forgiving is about not weaponizing past behaviors, of others or ourselves.  Forgiveness is an act of self-love.    We care enough about ourselves that we will not allow the past to hold us down.  And, yes, it’s a process.  Sometimes I have forgiven Larry, my husband, because he hadn’t thought of me when I wanted to be considered.  But I was not ready to let him know I forgave him.  I was still processing that forgiveness.  I knew I was in the final stages when I found my sense of humor and could own my part in our dynamic.  

And, though there is so much more to forgiveness, please forgive me for this short set of thoughts at the end of this year when too many have experienced way too much hurt.  For more on the subject, Harriet Lerner’s Why Won’t You Apologize is an excellent book on the subject.  

May we all find lightness of being by unshackling the burdens of our resentments.  Warm wishes this holiday season wherever you are in your path of forgiveness.  

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Read, reread, or listen to Harriet Lerner’s Why Won’t You Apologize.  Or listen to her TED talk:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5r6Y9uhmL6Y
  • If you’d like to forgive, have compassion for the pain and upset you’re experiencing.  Caring for yourself is an important step in forgiveness.  Malachy McCourt’s quote is a great reminder of the power of forgiveness: “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  
  • Taking action in the service of others, like donating to a beloved non-profit, volunteering, being kind to a stranger, are great ways to work on self-forgiveness.  

Saying Nothing, The Thirty-Ninth Week in the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  That was a common idiom of our mother’s lexicon.   She lived true to that statement.  Even when she attempted to comment on something she disapproved of, she did her best to soften it.  As a teen, I often was asked the question, “Janet, do you think that’s the most complementary outfit?“  Or it could have been make-up, pants, hair style or any other appearance-related observation.  As a sensitive teen I was crushed no matter how much she tried to say it diplomatically.   

I was not mature enough or confident enough to understand that we were separated by a generation, and our aesthetic tastes were informed by those differences.  Nor did I appreciate that even when well-intended, a critique said in the most unobtrusively terms, can still be judgmental.

I learned that the hard way.  I followed in my mother’s footsteps, not saying anything that wasn’t nice, but Larry and Alex, my husband and son, let me know that my expressions have screamed disapproval.  So, though, “don’t say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say” is step one in being thoughtful, it by no means is enough.  

I have had to learn to listen and see things from their point of view.  I may be able to see that what they say or do isn’t right for me, but it is not my place to judge what is right for them, or anyone else, for that matter.  

We’d all do better to focus on ourselves and what we can do to live our lives as best we can rather than determine how others should be living their lives.  Whether we cast aspersions on others out loud or via facial expressions and body language, we are only indicating that we, ourselves, are intolerant or judgmental. And that is never a pretty look for anyone.    

Self-Care Tips:

  • When you hear something that sparks negative feelings within you, do your best to set them aside as you listen to the other person so you can appreciate their perspective on choices they are making.  You might learn something helpful rather than be reactionary, which usually changes nothing. 
  • I suggest watching the docuseries Chimp Empire. On Netflix, if you have it  It’s a relaxing view, while still creating a nice level of drama in the chimpanzees’ lives.  
  • Since we are our own worst critics, see if you’re able to bring kindness and compassion when you’re feel critical of yourself, and do your best not to criticize yourself for not being kind enough.  

Hygge, The Thirty-Eighth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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There is a distinct feeling of “hygge’” a Danish word for contentment that comes from comfort and an easy friendliness, that perfectly describes the vibe we encountered in Copenhagen.  Last week we had taken advantage of an Icelandair special to visit Copenhagen.  I have always wanted to go to Nordic countries, but they seemed so remote.  This deal with a stopover in Iceland was exactly what I needed to bridge the gap from a dream to a reality.  

Throughout the years I’ve read food and travel blogs about Denmark and Copenhagen.  And Copenhagen did not disappoint.  The food was excellent.  It’s so much fun to visit the outdoor markets, the covered markets, the cafes, the bakeries, and the restaurants.  And, like New York, Copenhagen is a great walking city.  Every chance I had I walked for miles, getting lost, finding myself in unknown neighborhoods or parks where there was always something new I encountered.  

Our very first day in Copenhagen, jetlagged and hungry, we set off for a foodhall.  The closest good one, we were told, was only one stop away on the “S” train.  We dutifully walked the 15 minutes to the train station, bought our four-day pass for public transportation.  The machine preferred European credit cards, so another ten minutes were spent trying to obtain our cards, but we prevailed.  Next, we set off to find the S train, only to see that there were multiple tracks.  We were flummoxed.  

Luckily, a passerby helped us out and though we ended up on the Subway, we eventually found our way to the market.  She was the first of many who embodied the hygge vibe.  She was friendly, considered our request, and offered the best way she knew to get there.  Even though we stopped others who had not known the directions we needed, all were kind, pausing from their morning commute to listen fully to our request.  And, though it was our first hour in the city, there were many interactions that reflected the hygge mentality.  

Right before we left for vacation, I had read a post that was critical of those who share their vacations on social media.  She, the poster, saw it as bragging.  It’s possible my posts can be perceived that way.  Though not my intention, I do understand that traveling is a luxury, and it’s not always accessible to all.  And, yet I love traveling and it’s an aspect of my life that always feels enriching.  However, I did wonder if it was appropriate to share my travels.   

After considering her post, I decided to share my experience.  Travel means a lot to me.  It gives me joy.  Not only do I get a great deal out of traveling, the least of which was learning more about hygge on this trip, but I do bring back what I learn and do my best to apply it to my everyday life.  I’m happy to be home.  There is a hygge in sleeping in my comfortable bed, though I do miss the feather beds on our mattresses in Copenhagen.  I am grateful to apply a new type of ease to my daily activities.  There’s a good reason Denmark is the second happiest country in the world.   I hope to visit Finland at some point, as that was rated number one.  I look forward to seeing what I can learn on that trip.  

Self-Care Tips:  

  • If you listen to or read someone who has a very strong opinion, see if it applies to you.  What they say is reflective of their point of view.  So often we shut down our expressive selves because someone else says it’s not okay.  Do your best to be okay with your choices and live your life fully as you, while not purposely hurting yourself or other. And understand not everyone will be okay with your choices, only you have to be okay with them.  
  • Apply “Hygge” to your life.  Find ways that bring ease and comfort.  It’s simple but not always easy to take the path of least resistance.  
  • Create a savings account for a specific goal or dream.  For instance, I have a separate travel account.  Even if your budget is small, set aside a dollar a week, less if that’s what’s needed.  It can make the goal seem more real.  There are many no fee apps and banks that allow for this type of account.  Or you can use a specific change jar for a goal.  This is great at any age.  

Bickering, The Twenty-Seventh Week in the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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My son told me last weekend that he hoped he won’t have disagreements in his relationships like I have with my husband when he’s older.  It was interesting to hear, and as far as I understand he believes that with the amount of therapy, mindfulness practice, as well as the fact that I am a psychotherapist, I should be further along in my personal development, especially when it comes to my marriage.  There was a time I would have agreed.  I would have seen my defensiveness when my feelings are hurt, and that my feelings get hurt at all, as a fault in my character.  

I am not proud that I bicker easily, or that I am quick to react, but I am no longer ashamed that both are true.  Like Alex, I imagined that when I was in my sixties I would have life figured out.  I believed I’d be highly advanced in my communications, and I’d be able to easily respond with patience and self-reflection.  The truth is I am still learning.  I have more acceptance of the bickering, appreciating that our marriage has the strength to encompass unpleasant moments.  However, more time is needed to learn to have a sense of humor about myself, to find ease when I want recognition and appreciation, and to accept that my way is not the only way.  

In our twenty-six years of marriage Larry and I have been able to spend less time upset with one another. Repair is quicker and easier.  And we laugh a lot more together.  I am proud of that growth.  We married later in life, but we came together with much to learn about healthy relationships.  And we continue to learn.  Every conflict is a new opportunity.  

I appreciate Alex’s comment because it allows me to see how it looks from his perspective.  I can only imagine the impact our bickering caused him unable to escape it in his earlier years in our compact apartment.  Presently his opinion and my response to conflict allows me to find acceptance with the imperfections of being human.  Being a therapist does not mean I’m immune to familial disagreements.  It means that I am committed to learning and growing one quarrel at a time.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Take the same short walk three different ways.  Walk looking ahead on one walk.  Walk looking up.  And walk looking down.  How different are these walks covering the same ground?  This can be a metaphor for our memories.  Though we may remember the same experience, when we are in a different place in our lives, we might view it in a new way.  
  • When you have a disagreement, rather than seeing what is wrong with the other person, ask yourself what you need to feel at ease.  This way you address a need rather than trying to be right or change someone else. 
  • Take an analog and digital break.  Read a book or magazine, hand write in a paper journal, paint with watercolors, play with a real deck of cards, play a board game, knit, play ball, or find a concrete activity off-screen.    

Swimming on Vacation, The Fourth Week of the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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I swam for an hour, my head submerged in the warm pool with tiny, wavy prisms, iridescent in the sun-drenched water.  The luxury of having a pool to myself is priceless.  Being able to move seamlessly underwater, thanks to my swimmers’ mask, allows me to stay beneath the surface, enjoying what I’d describe as a meditation in motion.  

 We’re on vacation.  That in and of itself is a gift of relaxation.  I had become rather snippy the first weeks of January, which is always a sign that I need a reset.  I’m still noticing some sharp edges that have yet to be smoothed completely, but the warm air, the sun and the tranquil atmosphere are working their magic.  

There’s a simple ease to being in the Caribbean.  Being able to swim with my mask adds a layer of delight as this vacation kneads the knots of stress from my body, mind and soul.  Sometimes in life there’s a simple fix that changes an experience from okay to wonderful.  That is true of my swimmers’ mask, a device that looks like an outer space unicorn.  It takes up the entire face, so unlike a snorkel, I can breathe just under the surface of water from either my mouth or nose.  There’s a stop at the tip of the hose at the center that prevents water from entering.  And the hose at the center means that swimmers like me can stroke our arms without hitting the tube.  All in all, I am so grateful for this wonderful addition to my swim.  

Life hacks can really help us when they make life easier or more enjoyable.  Years ago, Larry taught me that having the right tool for the right job matters.  He showed me how a well sharpened knife makes a huge difference in the joy of cooking.  Or the correct screwdriver can shorten a belabored task.  Now I have my swim mask, less a tool that a piece of equipment that provides a panoramic view of the pool or the ocean.  A few more swims and the last of the sharp edges will disappear.  At least for now.

Self-Care Tips:

  • Check to see if there’s an easier way to do your chores or activities.  A silicon spatula is helpful to scramble eggs while being gentle on your pan.  A group or family calendar is useful for scheduling.  And a small packet of wipes in your bag or car are good at any age.  
  • If you feel overwhelmed, rather than power on, take a short break.  Walk around the block, meditate, take a power nap, or stretch.  Breaks help us to refocus.  
  • When on the phone, smile while speaking.  It brightens our tone and communicates a softer nature.  

What’s For Dinner? Second Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I was preparing dinner as I do many nights.  Last night was pesto glazed salmon and garlic-marinaded skirt steak with sauteed spinach, garlic bread, and a spicy salad.  Thanks to Marion Zinn, my mother-in-law, I have the best marinade for the steak.  She was a wonderful hostess and served many delicious dishes.  Conversely, my mother would get anxious when hosting guests.  Nonetheless she deserves a shout out as an excellent baker. All three of my siblings and I have fond memories of annual birthday cakes baked from scratch, stored on a glass cake plate with an aluminum cake dome.  I used to cook and bake regularly, but as life’s responsibilities expanded, my domestic duties dwindled.   

Sometimes, though, I want to have a home cooked meal.  I shopped at the farmer’s market gathering some ingredients for dinner, and foraged the refrigerator for the rest.  Even as I began the prep work, I remained hopeful for a nice dinner.  Inevitably, by early evening, I was forgetting one thing or another, and my hope slipped to a tepid aspiration for a good enough meal.  Perhaps it’s this feeling along with my full schedule that diminishes my fondness for cooking these days.   

I realized, which might mean I’m late to the game, that planning, and subsequently serving, dinner is a process that mimics the complications of caring for oneself and perhaps others.  First there’s the consideration of taste.  What do I like?  What does Larry like?  Are there foods that appeal to us as the same time?  If not, what variations do I make?  Will I challenge myself with a new recipe or will I rely on the tried and true?  Not only does flavor matter, but so does nutrition.  I’m not a stickler that every meal meets the daily requirements of a balanced meal plan. However, I do like to have a variety of tastes, textures and basic health guidelines met.  

Now and again meals are more fly by night, others are indulgences, and more often meals are simple and easy to put together after jam-packed days.  I always enjoy good food.  I’m flexible in that I truly enjoy an array of possibilities from vegan to Omakase, and so much in-between.  I prefer local and organic, but I also shop at Trader Joe’s appreciative of their vast and changing selections.  One thing is for sure, I prefer choices, as I do in so many parts of my life.  

In getting dinner together, last night and previously, I’ve noticed the range of feelings I experience.  I start out hopeful, I have moments of frustration, periods I feel relaxed and trusting, and times I get annoyed, wishing I was being served rather than doing the serving.  And I challenge myself to get through the feelings of anxiousness closer to putting the meal on the table.  All in all, it replicates the processes I go through in other areas of my life, which include the original idea, the thought process and the execution.  So much stuffed into a quotidian endeavor.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Recipe for Marion’s marinade: ¼ cup olive oil, just less than ¼ cup cider vinegar, 3 Tablespoons or more of soy sauce, ¼ cup honey, lots and lots of chopped garlic, ½ teaspoon grated ginger (can use fresh, jarred or dry ginger if that’s what you have) Enjoy!
  • Take an everyday activity and break it down, checking in to see the array of feelings you have throughout the process.  Can you insert kindness and care when it feels uncomfortable?  Are you able to go with it when it feels pleasant?  If so, acknowledge yourself.  If not, see if you can make room for whatever comes us.  
  • Chapstick. It’s a great way to get through the winter.  Choose from a host of aromas, flavors, textures and ingredients. Find the one that’s good for you.  

Happy Friendship Day, Week Thirty-One in the New Abnormal

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I’m writing this on International Friendship Day.  It has me thinking of past friends, some gone by mutual consent, some, as the wonderful Claudia Shear put it, are ‘location specific’, and some died too young.  The rest still bring me laughs, tears, and meaningful moments either with posts, texts, emails, or on a rare visit.  

I have hurt friends in the past.  I wasn’t always trustworthy.  I wasn’t always able to set limits until it was too late.  Or I just didn’t understand when to speak and when to keep quiet. I have run into previous friends who I must have upset because, though I have been happy to see them, they don’t share that sentiment.  I may not know the specifics of their interpretation of events, but I recall not really understanding how to relate to others. 

However, the friends who stuck by me, the ones who forgave me, or who didn’t feel upset by my actions taught me so much about friendship.  They taught me about the imperfect, human connectedness that is key when relating to others.    They taught me to appreciate the differences and treasure what we share in common.  I’ve learned about new musical artists.  Books have been exchanged, topics seriously discussed.  There’s been a lot of theater and film, and meals shared.  

Friendship is a gift. Sometimes I squandered that gift.  Not on purpose, but by not knowing my value, thus not appreciating that my actions impacted others.  Nevertheless, I now value those gifts from the past and in the present. I’ve internalized each and every one with whom I’ve shared an alliance. I have learned from great generosity of spirit.  I’ve enjoyed shared belly laughs, and poignant moments.  Most importantly, my friends have taught me, and continue to teach me the importance of seeing beyond our imperfections.  I have learned to celebrate happy times with friends. And my friends have comforted me when things have been tough.  I am so grateful as I continue to learn and grow thanks to dear friends.   

 

Self-Care Tips:

  • Reach out to an old friend.  If you can get together, great.  If not, send a note.  
  • Send a cartoon or meme with a friend.  Nothing like a shared laugh.   
  • For times when you need more energy, take a few breaths through your nose, then quicken those breaths.  Repeat three times, First take regular breaths through your nostrils, then quicken the breaths for about 3 to 5 inhales & exhales.  Stop if you get lightheaded.  Best to do this sitting.