It was a full moon this week. I love looking up on a clear night and viewing the magical, mystical moon between the high rises. Ever since I was a child I’ve found the moon an enchantress. Myths have their place, and for many years I counted on myths to justify my outsized love of a full moon. In times of feeling invisible I felt seen by the moon.
The lure of the moon as a symbol of feminine energy resonated with my earliest feminist leanings. Now at the foreseeable dawning of my senior classification, I am still drawn to the phases of the moon. Perhaps it is the passage of time that resonates with the lunar cycles. Or maybe it’s my propensity for relying on my imagination to improve on everyday life.
Whatever the case, I am grateful to be able to look up at the night sky. It’s guidance, imaginary or otherwise, will continue to fuel my dreams and capture my heart. Given my friends, and referencing the arts, I know I am not alone in this.
Self-Care Tips:
Do the stars and the moon speak to you? If so, write about it. It will strengthen that connection.
Do you have rituals or habits unique to daytime and night? If so, try to change them up. See if that gives you a new perspective. It might have a new insight when you shift your routine.
Shop your closet and drawers to find the clothes that have soft and soothing fabrics. It could be a scarf or a swatch of cloth, if not a piece of clothing. Keep the clothes or fabrics in an accessible location so that when you need soothing you have a perfect garment to wear, or a piece of cloth to rub for comforting.
I came home late last night after seeing a beautifully moving theater piece by Suzan-Lori Parks at The Public Theater. Retrieving our mail, I saw a broken glass and a brick on the lobby carpet. Apparently, a group of teens were told to leave the area while smoking. So one of them in anger threw a brick through the window to show ‘them.” It created more work for the porter and super who had to clean up and make immediate repairs on their weekend off. Needless to say the super and porter were nowhere near the incident when it happened.
Too many people of all ages have little or no control of their expression of anger. The honking in the city is out of control. People are emotionally abusive in the workplace. Or we’re ranting on social media. There is a huge uptick of violence throughout the United States, and certain other parts of the world. We are unchecked.
I think we were so excited to leap past the couple of years of the pandemic that we forgot to heal from the losses, the changes, the pain. Now we’re feeling the backlash. So many are acting out because we didn’t do a great job learning and teaching how to care for ourselves when things are tough. And if we’re not attending to our own needs, we’re not in a position to think of what our behavior will do to others.
I’m doing my best to understand that when I’m reactive and harsh something is going on internally. I may not understand it, but I can appreciate that I and those around me are impacted. As Sharon Salzberg, Judson Brewer and others advocate in Loving Kindness mediation, “May I be free from inner and outer harm.” Let’s care for ourselves with kindness and care. Enjoying peace is an active intention.
Try a brief Loving Kindness mediation as practiced with Sharon Salzberg in which you repeat the ideas, “May I be healthy, may I be happy, may I be peaceful and live with ease.” Then, “May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be peaceful and live with ease.”
When difficult emotions arise and you’re feeling powerful sadness, fear, or anger, rather than blame yourself, others, or try to shut down your feelings, tell yourself you can get through this. Think what will soothe you. Remember these strong feelings come in waves, so it will subside. In short, bring kindness and care in those difficult moments as opposed to acting out.
I grew up with three siblings. If you grew up with siblings, as I did, you are familiar with the age-old enterprise of tattling. My younger sister, Susan, now Chova Sara, was the tattletale. She was the one that thought it important to report to my parents, usually our mom, whatever misadventures we were enacting. When I was six to her four, she ran to our mom to say I wasn’t letting her play with my Barbies. This was true, but only because she cut their hair and drew on them with crayons. Nonetheless, I had to release more dolls to her based on “fairness.” This made no sense to me, but she got what she wanted, and it spurred her on for years.
When I was fifteen she couldn’t get downstairs fast enough when she rifled through my drawers and found my almost full pack of Eve cigarettes. I was no smoker, but I did purchase a 75 cent pack to try and smoke at high school socials. I, a frizzy haired, acne prone teen with a penchant for musicals, wanted to seem cool. I imagined cigarettes was the entry point. I coughed more than I inhaled, thus ending a two-week foray into the impossible road to being a cool, cigarette-smoking kid. But I kept the pack just in case I could offer an Eve to one of the true cool kids.
Our mom, a former smoker, who coughed if she even thought there was smoke around her, was furious. I was grounded. My explanation had holes. Not only did I own a forbidden pack of cigarettes, but I was going to share an unhealthy habit with someone else. While our mom lambasted me, I got a glimpse of Susan’s righteous smirk. I imagine that same smirk on each of the mouths of all the tattlers online. We have morphed into a culture of telling on others.
When did we learn that telling on others was a better strategy than speaking in a respectful manner to said perpetrator? We gain so much from having thoughtful dialog. We may disagree, and in many instances, we may not come to a resolution, but there is a chance to connect rather than divide if we speak to one another rather than tell on each other.
I believe when we feel we lack personal power we resort to public ranting or gossiping. We dump our righteous opinions on the masses where we hope to receive positive reinforcement for negativity. However, real confidence comes from being courageous enough to speak up without shaming someone else. In this way there’s a possibility you both might learn and grow. Perhaps we can build our self-worth not by being righteous, which only strokes our egos, but by privately harnessing our emotional responses and caring for ourselves as we process those emotions. By looking inward instead of pointing fingers, we thoughtfully take steps towards positive change.
Self-Care Tips:
Muster the courage to speak with someone with whom you disagree. Let them know you want to understand their thoughts and actions. Be open and think about what they tell you. Monitor your emotional response. And share your perspective, not to convince, but because you both matter.
Stop! If you are about to rant with someone(s) who is/are not your friends, take a beat, write in a journal, but withhold from adding to the public negativity forum.
Hold your own hand as if you’re holding hands with yourself. Notice what that feels like. Do you feel your own warmth? Allow you to be there for yourself with this small gesture.
I am a planner. Though I am open to spontaneous experiences, I usually rely on my calendar to settle into the day. In recent months I have had to change plans a good number of times. Often, I’ve enjoyed folding the new into what I had expected. But this last week too many plans changed, and my equilibrium is off. My sense of self along with my comfort levels are being tested.
My schedule changed. Not only did my work schedule fluctuate day to day, but even personal plans and appointments got shuffled more than once. I had not expected that, and I am working on finding a way for these changes to support me in outside endeavors. It was mildly unsettling. Nonetheless, the shifts in my schedule may be an opportunity to complete a book I’ve been working on a couple of years now with mixed emotions and limited time. Along with all the other changes of last week, it was pointed out to me that the book needs to be reworked. It’s not the first time, but I am losing steam and it’s hard to rally to continue.
Perhaps these changes mean it’s time to reassess, and probably slow down. As much as I like to be busy, accomplishing what I want takes time and focus, and my busyness has waylaid the process. I’ll continue with the book even as I question my ability to go on, and my uncertainty of how to do that. The book is on everyday courage. I will be taking my own counsel today and going forward. I may be weary, but I’m not worn.
I have a new plan now. The plan is to create a new blueprint going forward, referencing my experiences, while giving me more space for changes since they’re bound to happen.
Self-Care Tips:
Stretch your arms above your head, and then out to the side. If you’d like, add an affirmation such as “It’s safe to take the space I need.”
When you’re faced with a change (and you will be at some point), check in with yourself. Notice any physical sensations. Be patient and assess what you may need to adjust to the change.
Savor delicious foods, joyous moments, shared laughter. When something is good it warrants being savored.
I just heard that The Museum of Failure in Brooklyn opened last week (https://museumoffailure.com). It’s primarily a collection of product fails through the last 5 decades or so. I’m happy to be celebrating failure. Their slogan is “Innovation Needs Failure!” I’m not so sure I can say I’ve been innovative, unless one considers resourcefulness as an innovation, but I can say with absolute certainty that I, too, have a history of failures.
Though certainly not my first or last, but within vivid memory, is my failed first driving test. I remain an anxious driver. Lucky for me and other vehicles on the road, I live in Manhattan, have not owned a car since my late teens, and rarely drive. At the time, I was 17, did not want to take the bus to high school anymore, and was horrified that I failed. I didn’t want to drive so much as reap the benefits of being a driver, but I could not face my friends and classmates admitting to this personal and social failure.
It’s taken me long time to own my failures. When I was younger, I was horrified to share any failures. Either I was afraid I’d get in trouble, or I was afraid I’d be judged poorly. Though I experienced both, it was my own self-judgement that was harsher than anything I endured by others. Luckily, the long line of mistakes I’ve made in this life have allowed me the opportunity to soften my judgement, and simply see mistakes as part of the human experience.
Hopefully over the years I’ve learned from my mistakes. Sadly, some mistakes hurt others by over sharing, or needing to fulfill some personal need rather than understanding that it would harm some else. I lost friends given my poor judgement. But I’ve also had friends who had a forgiving heart and understood I was lost or misguided, forgiving me, and allowing me to do better. It is those friends, therapists, and family members who fostered change and growth. I will always be grateful to them. And I am now grateful to those who walked away because they didn’t want to be hurt again. They taught me to do better and be better and to treat myself with care rather than look to others to validate me, especially when vulnerable.
I look forward to making the trip to the Museum of Failure. There’s something comforting in knowing it’s out there.
Self-Care Tips:
When you’ve failed at something, write in a journal how it feels, and, when possible, what you learned that will help you in the future. Try as best you can to be gentle with yourself, appreciating that the failure is part of the journey.
When speaking on the phone purposely smile. There is research to suggest that smiling lightens one’s speaking tone allowing for a more positive interaction.
Throughout the day repeat the phrase, aloud or internally, “I am Enough.” Experiencing ourselves as enough releases the pressure to be more, better, or different.
I left my passport at the hotel two and half miles from Reykjavik. I was leaving for JFK the next day. We had had a magnificent trip, and my passport was in the safe where I left it along with U.S. dollars I wasn’t going to spend in Iceland. Our driver, an adventure tour guide in his own right, was going to drop off some guests and pick up passengers to bring back to the capitol city the next morning. He would be happy to bring back my passport and drive us to the airport. The magnificent experience continued.
I next called the hotel. They got back to me to let me know they had secured my passport and money and it was in an envelope at the front desk waiting for our driver. This was all done with ease. The Icelandic vibe was “no problem.” It seemed inherent to them to be kind and considerate. They did not communicate any extra effort, nor did they indicate I was putting them out in any way. I was beyond relieved.
Surprisingly, I also didn’t berate myself for my forgetfulness. Not that long ago I would have been so hard on myself for not being uber aware of everything. This time, though, my mistake led to a greater appreciation of the kindness of others. To be the fortunate recipient of thoughtfulness was another gift of the trip. Not only did we enjoy natural wonders, but we also took pleasure in naturally wonderful people. It was good fortune, indeed.
Self-Care Tips:
See if there is an easy way to give to another. Offer your seat on public transportation, open the door for a stranger, pay for someone else’s coffee, or create your own thoughtful act. Be part of an enduring act of kindness.
Let someone know how much you appreciate their kindness. Whether you mention something having witness a kind act, are in touch with someone from the past who was good to you, or you give a warm thank you in the moment, your appreciation perpetuates kindness at large.
Identify aspects of nature you most enjoy. If you’re able to visit, great. If not, perhaps you can find items or scents that elicit your enjoyment. It can be sea water, flowers, cut grass, or mountain air. Whatever your pleasure, breath in the satisfying aroma.
The small, Nordic island country of Iceland is around 5 hours away from New York City. It’s a magical place with other worldly terrains and natural wonders. We left the city for a long weekend with the hopes of at least getting a glimpse of the Aurora Borealis. We were not disappointed. And we got so much more.
On our Icelandair flight we saw the Northern Lights dance above the clouds. I love sitting by the window, and I kept my shade up on the off chance I might view something. And, yes, swirling above the cumulus cropping were green lines of other worldliness. The trip was off to an auspicious start.
We booked a place in Husafell, having read that they have some of the best sightings of the Northern lights. We found out it has to do with the wind in the volcanic valley that clears the air, along with the territory’s moisture combined with the chill, creating the air quality that makes for fertile observing skies.
We thoroughly enjoyed a trip to volcanic baths, naturally heated from the hot springs. We were alone in a volcanic crater in a warm outdoor pool in the middle of Iceland. Fabulous and surreal. We also took a tour of a huge lava tunnel. Beneath the earth was a fascinating as above. The rest of our weekend will be spent in the small, welcoming city of Reykjavik. So glad we came.
Sometimes I have to get away to come back to myself.
Self-care tips:
Go away. If you can’t physically take yourself to another vista, whether it be a neighboring town, a lake, a park, another city, or the beach, then check out photos on the National Geographic website to enjoy another perspective. https://www.nationalgeographic.com/pages/topic/best-of-2022
When having self-critical thoughts, rather than continue the loop of degradation, treat the criticism like an overly tired child. Tell it to go rest. It needs to take it easy. Be gentle but firm.
Access you inner explorer. As in our younger years, take a magnifying glass and view surfaces and objects for a closer look. Wood grain is great, as is a blade of grass or a stone. So much fun to see from our inner child’s eyes again.
The power of music, particularly music that is performed with great love and skill can be transformative. This past week I was fortunate enough to attend two live concerts, very different styles, but very similar intentions of sharing joy through their performances.
The first performance, Wednesday night took place at The Cutting Room, a midtown concert hall with a storied history. Felicia Collins, the lead guitarist and singer owned the stage. I knew her through Larry. She was guitarist and vocalist of the Paul Shaffer Band on The David Letterman Show. She continues to play. And we were fortunate enough to enjoy her concert celebrating the music of Sly and the Family Stone. She resurrected the messages of inclusion and connectivity for which the band was well known. Felicia and her amazingly talented band, ThrowDown, covered Sly and the Family Stone hits. What a wonderful throwback. Lessons still to be realized from the late 60s.
Then on Thursday I was at the 92nd St Y. An Upper Eastside institution, they have a concert hall, in which they host talks, special events and concerts. I had the utter privilege of enjoying Kelli O’Hara sing the night away. She was awesome. And, as if from the heavens she sang with the extraordinary John Holiday. The evening was transcendent.
Both artists, Felicia and Kelli, are gifted. But add to those gifts the years of disciplined practice and performance expanding their gifts from personal to generously shared on world stages. They are two of the few, compared to the population at large, who work hard to make the very most of innate talent. We are forever grateful.
Between those two incredible performances we had the benefit of entering a taxi with a driver who was amazing. He didn’t sing. I never found out if he could. But he was so polite and warm that his simple presence felt like an art.
Whether there’s music made with love or conversation made of dignity, we all tap into our better selves when we are in the company of the best of humanity.
Self-Care Tips:
If you’re able to attend a live concert of music that communicates love, joy, or connection, go. It will uplift you. If you are unable to see a live concert, try YouTube. I suggest Judy Garland singing with Barbra Streisand, but feel free to choose what you like.
When you encounter someone who is genuinely kind and caring, take a moment to appreciate how that impacts you. If you’re able and willing, acknowledge them with a thank you.
Clean out your sock drawer. Feel free to give away tight socks, throw out or reuse as dusters socks with holes, and see what socks you had forgotten but might like to wear again. It’s easy, doesn’t take too long, and gives us a feeling of accomplishment.
I was walking downtown listening to a light novel, a quasi-romcom. It had started off well and then it took a nose-dive from there. About halfway to my destination I turned it off. I simply wasn’t enjoying it anymore. I had wanted a break from heavier subjects or professional readings. This was not the break I needed.
Growing up I often heard the adage “Losers Never Quit, and Quitters Never Lose.” In this case, I was losing time and joy if I didn’t quit. For so long I had always finished the books I started, I didn’t cancel plans unless there was an emergency. And I stayed to the end of plays, movies, television series and concerts rather than leave at the intermission if I wasn’t enjoying it. The pleasure of maturing, or at least being older is that I do not have to berate myself for quitting.
Stopping when something is not right for us is a gift, not a determination of failure. I win when I consider my needs. Of course, this is not a recommendation to simply quit whenever we want. Reading a book for pleasure means that I am seeking pleasure in reading it. When it’s not pleasurable, then quitting and finding something that I do find pleasurable meets my goal of a pleasurable read. When I’m meditating and I get uncomfortable, I don’t quit, I observe what’s happening and fold that into the meditation practice. Mediation is about making space for whatever is happening. So I am not betraying my goal by resisting quitting in the middle.
It’s not always easy to choose whether to carry on with an activity or whether to quit because it’s not in our best interest. When I was younger, I was stuck because I thought quitting spoke of a weak characteristic in me, and I wanted to avoid that. Accepting ourselves by not living dogmatically allows us to assess when to quit and when to keep going. I am more apt to find my way forward when I’m not forcing it. When I take away the “shoulds” it’s easier to make the right choice for any given time. Onto a new book. Making that choice is enjoyable.
Self-Care Tips:
What “Shoulds” have burdened you? Any chance you can let them go? If that’s difficult, ask yourself, “does completing it serve me, or am I defending against some idea I have about that particular “should?”
If you find you regret something you quit before you had a chance to achieve a goal, ask yourself if you can go back. It can be great to pick up dancing when older. Or, try learning the language through an easy tutorial or class that you started in high school.
Find soaps for your face and for your body that have a texture and aroma that you find pleasing. It makes such a difference when we wash ourselves and it feels soothing. Your senses of smell and touch will feel well taken care of.
Wow! I just went out to walk Lucy. It sure is cold out there. A good portion of the country is very cold. New York City is no exception this weekend. Just taking Lucy out for a short walk means bundling up for a solid five minutes to make sure the least amount of skin is exposed to the frigid air.
Although I had insulated gloves with added glove liners, my fingers would not get warm. Add to that the couple of times I had to take those sub-par gloves off to pay the brave vendors at the farmer’s market, or to give Lucy a treat. Not my favorite moments this windy day.
The thing about the cold is that it really highlights our priorities. As much as I prefer not going out at all, happy to move to music inside, I do want to support the farms who service us year-round. And Lucy, whom I adore, is not likely to be able to endure a day inside. This is her weather as a Tibetan Terrier. She doesn’t want a doggie jacket, she just wants to feel the wind on her face and the cold air on her hairy body. She has hair rather than fur.
I curse under my breath when she gives me her usual signs that it’s time to go out. Though she waits for me patiently as I don layer after layer until I’m ready to face the elements. Thankfully I have a bevvy of face masks that I wear happily knowing that my nose and lower face are covered from the elements. Grateful for my protection from the cold.
It’s unbelievable I was strolling on the beach a week ago. Now, miles to the north that recent memory feels like a long time ago. Weather is a constant reminder of the transient nature of life here on earth.
Self-Care Tips:
Find the coziest clothes to wear. The cold can feel so uncomfortable. When the fabric’s surface gently soothes our skin, it can add an extra benefit aside from simply keeping us warm.
Dance inside. Even if it’s for one song. Enjoy the freeing experience while keeping you actively warm.
If you have to go out, walk in the sun. It’s a good reminder that even when we deem the weather to be bad, there are no absolutes. It can be beautifully sunny and still gratingly cold.
janetzinn 