Marilyn Maye is a legend. Perhaps you haven’t heard of her? She is a 92-year-old cabaret singer who gives her audiences stylized singing and beautiful arrangements of standards. I had been meaning to see her for years and it finally happened this past week. A dear friend and I came to see her at 54 Below, the storied cabaret underneath the Studio 54 Theater. Marilyn’s first album came out in 1965. She appeared on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson more than any other singer, 76 times. I could go on, but you can easily look her up.
She is a pro. Her warmth and generosity are palpable. She loves her audiences, and we love her back. It was inspiring to see her perform. Not only is she a consummate pro, but she makes it seem easy to share her love of the music while standing for her entire set. The couple with whom we were sharing our table have seen her show over thirty times. This is not unusual with her audiences. Prior to the show we watched a community of fans greet each other as if they were reunited for another family event.
What inspired me most when watching a master at work, was that Marilyn Maye was doing what she loves on her own terms. Few of us have her longevity, let alone the stamina to constantly work on our craft and then dazzle others. She has what it takes, and she shares it freely. Going to her show has given me the vivacity to keep going. I may or may not realize my future dreams, but Marilyn Maye inspired me to do all I can to continually pursue them. She has a gift and she keeps on giving.
Self-Care Tips:
Learn from those older than you. So many have wisdom that they are happy to share. It might just inspire you.
Bring alacrity to your craft. When you add a positive energy to what you’re doing it’s uplifting for you and others.
I enjoyed one of the best New York City combinations this weekend, I made my way downtown to Gansevoort Street to see the traveling exhibit, The Great Elephant Migration, a large exhibit to support Asian Elephants in India in the Meatpacking District. From there I stopped at the Whitney Museum to see a preview of a fabulous exhibit honoring Alvin Ailey. Finally I stopped at Chelsea Markets for what I can only describe as a super delicious end to a wonderful day. The halvah sundae at Seed & Mill is an amazing treat I discovered years ago and had yet to return before yesterday. The entire experience was energizing and made me so happy.
I can easily latch on to negative thinking if I am in the company of others’ upsets. I wanted a nap, but instead I willfully walked across town to take the C subway to 14th Street to carve out this quintessentially New York City experience. Though, the Great Elephant Migration will be coming to Miami and Los Angeles via Browning Montana.
These kinds of experiences make it a lot easier to take care of mundane tasks for the rest of the weekend. And, though I post about special experiences my life, as well as most other lives, consist of mundane tasks. That is not a bad thing. When we appreciate how these tasks support our day to day the mundane can be the greatest self-care and care for others we provide. Getting my laundry done, straightening up the apartment, walking Lucy, or stopping at the grocer gets me through my week. And when there is an art exhibit or a new show in town those are simply the Halvah topping on the sundae.
Self-Care Tips:
Breath in Ease, Breath out Stress. Repeat.
Rather than filling in your time with those who have become obligation relationships, see if you can set limits with them and find those with whom you can relax and be accepted for being yourself.
Turn on some music and dance. Even one song can shift our energy.
“True empowerment comes from knowing and embracing your own worth.”
Beverly Johnson
I just saw the new one woman show, In Vogue, in which Beverly Johnson shares her life’s story with a backdrop of photos of her, the culture, and other iconic people, movements, and moments in history.
I received a flyer in the mail and knew I wanted to see her. My mother was an avid magazine reader. As a young school-aged girl, I couldn’t wait for the monthly McCall’s issue so that I could play with the Betsy McCall paper dolls. In my teen years I waited rather impatiently for my mother to finish her Glamour and Vogue issues, so I could enjoy them second-hand, always pleased to see the beautiful Beverly Johnson on their covers. So when I heard she’d be in her own show I jumped at the chance of seeing her live and hearing more about her.
In an intimate off-Broadway theater seated on stage with black pumps, black designer framed glasses, and a beautifully tailored suit, Beverly Johnson sits regally on a director’s chair to the side of a large screen. I won’t tell you too much about the show, but I will say it begins honoring the many black women who were firsts.
Though she faced so many challenges there was not even a whiff of victimhood. She is proud of all she’s accomplished, and as audience members, we felt proud for her, too.
Not all trailblazers are famous. So many are the first in their family to go to college. Or the first person in their community to travel outside their zip code. Maybe you were first to pursue a dream, or to do something different from those around you. It’s so easy these days to get upset by loud and mean voices. It behooves us to purposely seek out inspiration from those who make a positive difference in the world around us.
Self-Care Tips:
Read a biography or memoir. Or watch a documentary of a vanguard and allow yourself to be inspired by the gumption it takes in setting a precedent.
Try something different. If you always eat the same salad dressing, try making your own with a new recipe or ingredient. You can always go back, but trying something new can open us up in unknown ways.
Find the courage to speak up when you someone is hurtful to you or others.
We are at the end of 2023 and yet life goes on with all its difficulties, complications, wonders, and joy. As we change the calendar year perhaps there is a better way to move forward. We traditionally make resolutions. Maybe we call them something else, but so many of us want to better our lives and a new year can feel like a blank slate.
I am all for making changes. I’m hopeful to be kinder and more compassionate with myself. This is a hope I’m carrying from this past year, day to day, and moment by moment. I find hope is not enough, though. It takes a daily practice of bringing compassion especially in times of struggle. To that end, I am relying on my experience that a daily practice of compassion or kindheartedness can change our lives in unexpected ways. Our hearts open up. We can listen from a place of curiosity rather than assumptions. We can better tolerate discomfort as we work to ease our pain. And we experience possibility rather than imposing past negative beliefs.
If we look back, we can all see that when we were encouraged, we blossomed. In college, Dr. Jones was a tough grader, but she was so uplifting, believing in her students’ ability to think for themselves. I wanted to do well in her class and did the hard work required. Conversely, in my creative writing class with a published author, I felt defeated as she had a very specific idea of good and bad. As an insecure 18-year-old, I quit before I even got started based on her condemnation. What was always a pleasure as a young teen turned into a shame-based exercise in her class. Two English professors with the same student and very different results.
As we set off into early 2024 let’s do what we can to encourage ourselves and others. If we find we’re having negative thoughts or words, perhaps we can see that we’re feeling stuck, and we can try again. There is always an opportunity for compassion. Whatever the year, compassion never goes out of style.
Self-Care Tips:
Create a transitional ritual for those times when you’re going from one part of your day to another. For instance, during your commute to the office you can listen to an inspirational piece of music. And, before returning home you could possibly take a short walk around the block. This way when you start a new part of your day there is space between where you’d been and where you’re going. It’s like a refresh.
Create a “Done” list. When we have to-do lists we can get overwhelmed. With a “Done” list we can feel a sense of accomplishment.
Create a self-care list so that is available when things get stressful and you don’t have the mental resources to think what can soothe you, you can reference your list and choose something that will help.
Napping was my top priority this past week. They were usually twenty to thirty minutes max. They made a tremendous difference in my mood. I was able to get through the week with a greater capacity for patience. I had more room for the things that usually get under my skin, like loud car horns in grid lock, or the annoying overspill from packages protected with shredded paper or other messy stuffing.
There’s nothing like a good nap. It can be rejuvenating, especially when it’s been a long day and I’ve been short on sleep. This past week rest was in order. Life is full, which is wonderful, however, I need to pace myself. Previously the learning curve has been slow going when it comes to pacing. So, to get into a supportive pace I took naps where and when I could fit them in.
I know I need the sleep when it’s so easy to fall asleep and I feel refreshed upon waking. For years I’ve prioritized movement over rest. Now I’m working on finding a balance so that I am energized when in motion and I am naturally tired at the end of the day, allowing for a restful night. Stress can interfere with sleep. And there’s been no lack of stress for so many of us these last months and even years.
I may not be able to control the amount of stressful circumstances that come my way, but the napping helps me to handle it better than when I’m sleep deprived. As a moody person, I will continue to minimize the low moods by getting the naps I need.
Self-Care Tips:
Close your eyes. If it’s an easy moment, open them again and see if you can look at the surrounding space differently. Maybe you can notice something you didn’t see before.
Close your eyes. If you automatically feel sleepy, think if you cannot do something so that you can take a short nap.
Close Your eyes. Imagine a world in which kindness, respect and peace are everyday norms. Then as best you can, embody those values throughout your day.
I voted early yesterday. I like my councilwoman and I wanted to keep her in office. What I don’t get to vote for is the abolishment of daylight savings time. We turned the clocks back last night, and ostensibly we got an extra hour of sleep. Then in April we “spring” ahead losing that hour. I say, no thank you.
As a child, I was delighted to stay in my pajamas longer on a crisp Autumn Sunday. Now, it feels like a game I’m playing that I never agreed to participate in. I accept the inevitability of daylight savings time along with other events not of my choosing.
I believe Daylight Savings Time or “DST” began in 1908 in Thunder Bay, Canada, a northern bay town of Lake Superior. It was decided that DST would help to take advantage of the daylight while also conserving energy. Then two years into WWI the Germans and Austrians instituted DST and it became an international trend. And, though not a trend in all countries, it is observed by over seventy countries worldwide.
I have no doubt that it works to some advantage for others. But, for me, given the upside-down state of our world, I’ll take a modicum of stability when I can.
Whatever your stance on DST, may your day be bright, and your shorter days be filled with light.
Self-Care Tips:
While there may not be a lot in life that’s under your control, try to find the few things that you can freely choose and enjoy your personal selections within the options available.
If you’re someone who leans on routines, see if you’re able to switch it up. In this way you can experience something new, both in the new action taken, as well as the reaction to it. One example is to put your shoes on opposite to the way you’re used to putting them on. If you start with the right food, try starting with the left. If you put both socks on before you put your shoes on, try putting one sock on followed by your shoe, then repeat.
If you’re in New York City, go to the marathon path today and be inspired by the racers. If not, enjoy seeing aerial views on TV.
Do I speak of the unspeakable? This past week marks a tragic low in inhumane acts. I cannot get my head around it. As a Jewish psychotherapist I am in a similar position as I was when we faced the pandemic. I am going through something that I am also hearing from my clients. The sadness, along with so many other emotions, have been omnipresent this past week.
Since there are so many experts writing and speaking about the issues surrounding the terrorist attacks, I will not even try to address it head on. What I can speak to is how now more than ever we can attend to our mental health. We can care for ourselves with the utmost respect. We can be gentle and kind. Patience is required as we may seek out numbing agents or distractions while feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
Taking life slowly for the moment may allow for processing the pain while creating openings for the small joys of any given day. Walks have felt particularly therapeutic to me. I have gone to take in artwork, and I am listening to more soulful music. Rest has been mildly restorative at the end of my days and at the conclusion of my work week. I hope you will find the people and things that comfort you. As citizens of the world we are all impacted one way or another by this and other atrocities.
I pray for accord and wish for every innocent person to thrive on a peaceful planet.
Self-Care Tips:
Move slowly through the world. The movement will help with stress release, and being embodied helps locate and address your current experience. Gentle stretching, walking in nature, dancing to music that moves you are all suggestions for your body and soul.
Reach out to those you care about. Ask how people are doing. If you’re overloaded, no need to ask, you can simply let them know you’re thinking of them.
Pray and meditate. If you are a non-believer prayer can simply be taking in the world around you. Become acquainted with your inner and outer selves as we heal individually, and ultimately ,we heal for all humanity.
When I was growing up in suburban New Jersey I didn’t know anything about self-care. The first experience I had that felt like self-care was when my mom treated me to a facial at Strawbridge and Clothier. They were having a special promotion. Although I couldn’t control my weigh, we could try to tackle my acne this one time.
Though the focus was to improve my skin, It felt luxurious to have an aesthetician apply steam to my face followed by a facial massage then rich creams applied with gentle fingers. This was so different from the daily Strident Pads and mismatched Clearasil routine I’d become accustomed to.
The facial came with an unexpected make-over. I was beside myself with glee as I felt pampered in a way I had never experienced. When finished I looked much older than my fourteen years with the make-up, but I felt like a new person. A temporarily, sophisticated young woman who got facials. This felt like a real treat.
But following that one Saturday, the idea of self-care remained a mere memory for decades. Then in my thirties as I attended mental health workshops and retreats, I was reintroduced to the idea of self-care.
Self-care is not the same for everyone. It’s why I make suggestions rather than state that there are only certain ways to care for oneself. For many facials are a part of their self-maintenance. For me facials will always be a self-care activity, a rare treat while on vacation. There is a distinction between self-care and self-maintenance. And it is different for each of us
We all live unique lives and how we choose to spend our time can vary vastly. I now consider meditation self-maintenance rather than self-care. Viewing art once a week is self-maintenance for me. Often coupled by another maintenance activity, a destination walk. However, should I find myself in more than one museum, then the visits are self-care. Sleep is absolutely self-maintenance. A phone call to a friend with plenty of tears and laughter could be either self-maintenance or self-care depending on the friendship, the call’s purpose, and the timing.
It’s not always easy to distinguish the best ways to care for ourselves. I do believe that self-maintenance is still a form of care. Nonetheless, whether it’s self-maintenance or self-care, it’s an active statement that we matter.
Self-Care Tips (Or Suggestions):
Give a friend a call, or a text for a walk, coffee, a meet-up, or for a conversation. Make sure it’s someone with whom it’s natural and easy.
Start a savings account for something you want. It can be as small as $1 a week, or collect change in a jar. It all adds up if there’s a regular deposit, and it gives you something to look forward to that you earned yourself.
Find a way to volunteer. Find something you like so that it doesn’t feel like an obligation but a happy way to give to others. The season is upon us, so there are a lot of opportunities.
“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” That was a common idiom of our mother’s lexicon. She lived true to that statement. Even when she attempted to comment on something she disapproved of, she did her best to soften it. As a teen, I often was asked the question, “Janet, do you think that’s the most complementary outfit?“ Or it could have been make-up, pants, hair style or any other appearance-related observation. As a sensitive teen I was crushed no matter how much she tried to say it diplomatically.
I was not mature enough or confident enough to understand that we were separated by a generation, and our aesthetic tastes were informed by those differences. Nor did I appreciate that even when well-intended, a critique said in the most unobtrusively terms, can still be judgmental.
I learned that the hard way. I followed in my mother’s footsteps, not saying anything that wasn’t nice, but Larry and Alex, my husband and son, let me know that my expressions have screamed disapproval. So, though, “don’t say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say” is step one in being thoughtful, it by no means is enough.
I have had to learn to listen and see things from their point of view. I may be able to see that what they say or do isn’t right for me, but it is not my place to judge what is right for them, or anyone else, for that matter.
We’d all do better to focus on ourselves and what we can do to live our lives as best we can rather than determine how others should be living their lives. Whether we cast aspersions on others out loud or via facial expressions and body language, we are only indicating that we, ourselves, are intolerant or judgmental. And that is never a pretty look for anyone.
Self-Care Tips:
When you hear something that sparks negative feelings within you, do your best to set them aside as you listen to the other person so you can appreciate their perspective on choices they are making. You might learn something helpful rather than be reactionary, which usually changes nothing.
I suggest watching the docuseries Chimp Empire. On Netflix, if you have it It’s a relaxing view, while still creating a nice level of drama in the chimpanzees’ lives.
Since we are our own worst critics, see if you’re able to bring kindness and compassion when you’re feel critical of yourself, and do your best not to criticize yourself for not being kind enough.
There is a distinct feeling of “hygge’” a Danish word for contentment that comes from comfort and an easy friendliness, that perfectly describes the vibe we encountered in Copenhagen. Last week we had taken advantage of an Icelandair special to visit Copenhagen. I have always wanted to go to Nordic countries, but they seemed so remote. This deal with a stopover in Iceland was exactly what I needed to bridge the gap from a dream to a reality.
Throughout the years I’ve read food and travel blogs about Denmark and Copenhagen. And Copenhagen did not disappoint. The food was excellent. It’s so much fun to visit the outdoor markets, the covered markets, the cafes, the bakeries, and the restaurants. And, like New York, Copenhagen is a great walking city. Every chance I had I walked for miles, getting lost, finding myself in unknown neighborhoods or parks where there was always something new I encountered.
Our very first day in Copenhagen, jetlagged and hungry, we set off for a foodhall. The closest good one, we were told, was only one stop away on the “S” train. We dutifully walked the 15 minutes to the train station, bought our four-day pass for public transportation. The machine preferred European credit cards, so another ten minutes were spent trying to obtain our cards, but we prevailed. Next, we set off to find the S train, only to see that there were multiple tracks. We were flummoxed.
Luckily, a passerby helped us out and though we ended up on the Subway, we eventually found our way to the market. She was the first of many who embodied the hygge vibe. She was friendly, considered our request, and offered the best way she knew to get there. Even though we stopped others who had not known the directions we needed, all were kind, pausing from their morning commute to listen fully to our request. And, though it was our first hour in the city, there were many interactions that reflected the hygge mentality.
Right before we left for vacation, I had read a post that was critical of those who share their vacations on social media. She, the poster, saw it as bragging. It’s possible my posts can be perceived that way. Though not my intention, I do understand that traveling is a luxury, and it’s not always accessible to all. And, yet I love traveling and it’s an aspect of my life that always feels enriching. However, I did wonder if it was appropriate to share my travels.
After considering her post, I decided to share my experience. Travel means a lot to me. It gives me joy. Not only do I get a great deal out of traveling, the least of which was learning more about hygge on this trip, but I do bring back what I learn and do my best to apply it to my everyday life. I’m happy to be home. There is a hygge in sleeping in my comfortable bed, though I do miss the feather beds on our mattresses in Copenhagen. I am grateful to apply a new type of ease to my daily activities. There’s a good reason Denmark is the second happiest country in the world. I hope to visit Finland at some point, as that was rated number one. I look forward to seeing what I can learn on that trip.
Self-Care Tips:
If you listen to or read someone who has a very strong opinion, see if it applies to you. What they say is reflective of their point of view. So often we shut down our expressive selves because someone else says it’s not okay. Do your best to be okay with your choices and live your life fully as you, while not purposely hurting yourself or other. And understand not everyone will be okay with your choices, only you have to be okay with them.
Apply “Hygge” to your life. Find ways that bring ease and comfort. It’s simple but not always easy to take the path of least resistance.
Create a savings account for a specific goal or dream. For instance, I have a separate travel account. Even if your budget is small, set aside a dollar a week, less if that’s what’s needed. It can make the goal seem more real. There are many no fee apps and banks that allow for this type of account. Or you can use a specific change jar for a goal. This is great at any age.
janetzinn 