Category Archives: Selfishness

Let’s Do Better, The Fifteenth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I came home late last night after seeing a beautifully moving theater piece by Suzan-Lori Parks at The Public Theater.  Retrieving our mail, I saw a broken glass and a brick on the lobby carpet.  Apparently, a group of teens were told to leave the area while smoking. So one of them in anger threw a brick through the window to show ‘them.”  It created more work for the porter and super who had to clean up and make immediate repairs on their weekend off. Needless to say the super and porter were nowhere near the incident when it happened.  

Too many people of all ages have little or no control of their expression of anger.  The honking in the city is out of control.  People are emotionally abusive in the workplace.  Or we’re ranting on social media.  There is a huge uptick of violence throughout the United States, and certain other parts of the world.  We are unchecked.  

I think we were so excited to leap past the couple of years of the pandemic that we forgot to heal from the losses, the changes, the pain.  Now we’re feeling the backlash.   So many are acting out because we didn’t do a great job learning and teaching how to care for ourselves when things are tough.  And if we’re not attending to our own needs, we’re not in a position to think of what our behavior will do to others. 

I’m doing my best to understand that when I’m reactive and harsh something is going on internally.  I may not understand it, but I can appreciate that I and those around me are impacted.  As Sharon Salzberg, Judson Brewer and others advocate in Loving Kindness mediation, “May I be free from inner and outer harm.”  Let’s care for ourselves with kindness and care.  Enjoying peace is an active intention.  

Self Care Tips

  • Though it’s not the season, this short video of David Bowie & Bing Crosby is uplifting.  We can use that now,  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCpXMy5GalI.  
  • Try a brief Loving Kindness mediation as practiced with Sharon Salzberg in which you repeat the ideas, “May I be healthy, may I be happy, may I be peaceful and live with ease.” Then, “May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be peaceful and live with ease.”
  • When difficult emotions arise and you’re feeling powerful sadness, fear, or anger, rather than blame yourself, others, or try to shut down your feelings, tell yourself you can get through this.  Think what will soothe you.  Remember these strong feelings come in waves, so it will subside.  In short, bring kindness and care in those difficult moments as opposed to acting out.  

Tattle Tales, The Fourteenth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I grew up with three siblings.  If you grew up with siblings, as I did, you are familiar with the age-old enterprise of tattling.  My younger sister, Susan, now Chova Sara, was the tattletale.  She was the one that thought it important to report to my parents, usually our mom, whatever misadventures we were enacting.  When I was six to her four, she ran to our mom to say I wasn’t letting her play with my Barbies.  This was true, but only because she cut their hair and drew on them with crayons.  Nonetheless, I had to release more dolls to her based on “fairness.”  This made no sense to me, but she got what she wanted, and it spurred her on for years.  

When I was fifteen she couldn’t get downstairs fast enough when she rifled through my drawers and found my almost full pack of Eve cigarettes.  I was no smoker, but I did purchase a 75 cent pack to try and smoke at high school socials.  I, a frizzy haired, acne prone teen with a penchant for musicals, wanted to seem cool.  I imagined cigarettes was the entry point.  I coughed more than I inhaled, thus ending a two-week foray into the impossible road to being a cool, cigarette-smoking kid.  But I kept the pack just in case I could offer an Eve to one of the true cool kids. 

Our mom, a former smoker, who coughed if she even thought there was smoke around her, was furious. I was grounded.  My explanation had holes.  Not only did I own a forbidden pack of cigarettes, but I was going to share an unhealthy habit with someone else.  While our mom lambasted me, I got a glimpse of Susan’s righteous smirk.  I imagine that same smirk on each of the mouths of all the tattlers online.  We have morphed into a culture of telling on others. 

When did we learn that telling on others was a better strategy than speaking in a respectful manner to said perpetrator?  We gain so much from having thoughtful dialog.  We may disagree, and in many instances, we may not come to a resolution, but there is a chance to connect rather than divide if we speak to one another rather than tell on each other.  

I believe when we feel we lack personal power we resort to public ranting or gossiping.  We dump our righteous opinions on the masses where we hope to receive positive reinforcement for negativity.  However, real confidence comes from being courageous enough to speak up without shaming someone else. In this way there’s a possibility you both might learn and grow.  Perhaps we can build our self-worth not by being righteous, which only strokes our egos, but by privately harnessing our emotional responses and caring for ourselves as we process those emotions. By looking inward instead of pointing fingers, we thoughtfully take steps towards positive change.   

Self-Care Tips:

  • Muster the courage to speak with someone with whom you disagree.  Let them know you want to understand their thoughts and actions.  Be open and think about what they tell you.  Monitor your emotional response.  And share your perspective, not to convince, but because you both matter.  
  • Stop! If you are about to rant with someone(s) who is/are not your friends, take a beat, write in a journal, but withhold from adding to the public negativity forum.  
  • Hold your own hand as if you’re holding hands with yourself.  Notice what that feels like.  Do you feel your own warmth?  Allow you to be there for yourself with this small gesture.  

Unexpected Kindness, The Eleventh Week in the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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I left my passport at the hotel two and half miles from Reykjavik.  I was leaving for JFK the next day.  We had had a magnificent trip, and my passport was in the safe where I left it along with U.S. dollars I wasn’t going to spend in Iceland.  Our driver, an adventure tour guide in his own right, was going to drop off some guests and pick up passengers to bring back to the capitol city the next morning.  He would be happy to bring back my passport and drive us to the airport.  The magnificent experience continued.  

I next called the hotel. They got back to me to let me know they had secured my passport and money and it was in an envelope at the front desk waiting for our driver.  This was all done with ease.  The Icelandic vibe was “no problem.”  It seemed inherent to them to be kind and considerate.  They did not communicate any extra effort, nor did they indicate I was putting them out in any way.  I was beyond relieved.  

Surprisingly, I also didn’t berate myself for my forgetfulness.  Not that long ago I would have been so hard on myself for not being uber aware of everything.  This time, though, my mistake led to a greater appreciation of the kindness of others.  To be the fortunate recipient of thoughtfulness was another gift of the trip.  Not only did we enjoy natural wonders, but we also took pleasure in naturally wonderful people.  It was good fortune, indeed. 

Self-Care Tips:

  • See if there is an easy way to give to another.  Offer your seat on public transportation, open the door for a stranger, pay for someone else’s coffee, or create your own thoughtful act.  Be part of an enduring act of kindness.  
  • Let someone know how much you appreciate their kindness.  Whether you mention something having witness a kind act, are in touch with someone from the past who was good to you, or you give a warm thank you in the moment, your appreciation perpetuates kindness at large.  
  • Identify aspects of nature you most enjoy.  If you’re able to visit, great.  If not, perhaps you can find items or scents that elicit your enjoyment. It can be sea water, flowers, cut grass, or mountain air.  Whatever your pleasure, breath in the satisfying aroma.  

Greetings from Iceland, The tenth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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The small, Nordic island country of Iceland is around 5 hours away from New York City. It’s a magical place with other worldly terrains and natural wonders. We left the city for a long weekend with the hopes of at least getting a glimpse of the Aurora Borealis. We were not disappointed. And we got so much more.  

On our Icelandair flight we saw the Northern Lights dance above the clouds.  I love sitting by the window, and I kept my shade up on the off chance I might view something.  And, yes, swirling above the cumulus cropping were green lines of other worldliness.  The trip was off to an auspicious start.

We booked a place in Husafell, having read that they have some of the best sightings of the Northern lights.  We found out it has to do with the wind in the volcanic valley that clears the air, along with the territory’s moisture combined with the chill, creating the air quality that makes for fertile observing skies.  

We thoroughly enjoyed a trip to volcanic baths, naturally heated from the hot springs.  We were alone in a volcanic crater in a warm outdoor pool in the middle of Iceland.  Fabulous and surreal.  We also took a tour of a huge lava tunnel.  Beneath the earth was a fascinating as above.  The rest of our weekend will be spent in the small, welcoming city of Reykjavik.   So glad we came.  

Sometimes I have to get away to come back to myself.

Self-care tips: 

  • Go away.  If you can’t physically take yourself to another vista, whether it be a neighboring town, a lake, a park, another city, or the beach, then check out photos on the National Geographic website to enjoy another perspective.  https://www.nationalgeographic.com/pages/topic/best-of-2022
  • When having self-critical thoughts, rather than continue the loop of degradation, treat the criticism like an overly tired child.  Tell it to go rest.  It needs to take it easy.  Be gentle but firm.  
  •  Access you inner explorer.  As in our younger years, take a magnifying glass and view surfaces and objects for a closer look.  Wood grain is great, as is a blade of grass or a stone.  So much fun to see from our inner child’s eyes again.  

Be Gone the Bygone, The Eighth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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Years ago I had a phone book.  It looked like a fabric-covered hardback, divided by letters of the alphabet neatly cut into tabs descending on the paper’s edge.  Often the pages were outlined in gold ink.  I’d get an updated one every few years and I’d transfer the names, addresses, and phone numbers into my new, usually colorful, phone book.  These were also the days in which long distance phone calls were a big deal and we were reminded to speak quickly since we were being charged by the minute.  Phones had cords and were strategically placed in one or more locations in our homes.  A bygone era.  Yes, I have become a senior stereotype.  

Yesterday I sent an email, as it seemed easier to document information rather than make a call.  However, my contacts, somewhat mimicking a phone book on my MacBook, is not explicit in terms of who has which cell phone number or email.  Given my age and my history, I have to relearn to put each individual in his/her/their own contact file.  This way I am calling, texting or emailing the correct family member in a given household. There have been more than one occasion in which I sent an unbeknownst partner a text intended for a friend or family member.  Oops!

My current contacts deserve an upgrade.  There are many repeat inserts, as well as quite a few names I don’t recognize.  But it’s tax season and I must focus on that first before tackling the contacts albatross.  It’s a daunting task so I’ll be breaking it down one name at a time, breath by breath.  

There is no life hack that I know of for having to relearn updated systems.  And it’s hard to throw out what we’ve known to take in the new.  But as technology continues to move ahead, I don’t want to be left behind.  At least I want to stay current on the tools that support my life in the present.  To do that, I have to create mental space.  The trick for me is to appreciate my memories of things past, telephones on the wall and phone books for example, while not holding onto those memories when I’m learning how to use a new iPhone or edit a PDF file.  I’m doing my best to ensure my personal history make way for my present-day life.  It comes with mixed success.

Self-Care Tools:

  • Slowly but surely clean out your contacts.  It feels great to search for a name and contact information without a crowded field. 
  • Identify the items in your life that continue to serve you even as new models get introduced.  For instance, some people love their old address books.  It’s simple and it keeps things streamlined in these complicated times.  What do you still use?  I continue to enjoy my compact, one-step coffee maker.  
  • Remember to acknowledge yourself when you learn a new skill.  I will be doing a happy dance once I learn how to insert my comments into my tax PDF file.  Hopefully that happy dance will be later today.  

I Quit! The Sixth Week in the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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I was walking downtown listening to a light novel, a quasi-romcom.  It had started off well and then it took a nose-dive from there.  About halfway to my destination I turned it off.  I simply wasn’t enjoying it anymore.  I had wanted a break from heavier subjects or professional readings.  This was not the break I needed.  

Growing up I often heard the adage “Losers Never Quit, and Quitters Never Lose.”  In this case, I was losing time and joy if I didn’t quit.  For so long I had always finished the books I started, I didn’t cancel plans unless there was an emergency.  And I stayed to the end of plays, movies, television series and concerts rather than leave at the intermission if I wasn’t enjoying it.  The pleasure of maturing, or at least being older is that I do not have to berate myself for quitting.  

Stopping when something is not right for us is a gift, not a determination of failure.  I win when I consider my needs.  Of course, this is not a recommendation to simply quit whenever we want.  Reading a book for pleasure means that I am seeking pleasure in reading it.  When it’s not pleasurable, then quitting and finding something that I do find pleasurable meets my goal of a pleasurable read.  When I’m meditating and I get uncomfortable, I don’t quit, I observe what’s happening and fold that into the meditation practice.  Mediation is about making space for whatever is happening.  So I am not betraying my goal by resisting quitting in the middle. 

It’s not always easy to choose whether to carry on with an activity or whether to quit because it’s not in our best interest.  When I was younger, I was stuck because I thought quitting spoke of a weak characteristic in me, and I wanted to avoid that.  Accepting ourselves by not living dogmatically allows us to assess when to quit and when to keep going.  I am more apt to find my way forward when I’m not forcing it.  When I take away the “shoulds” it’s easier to make the right choice for any given time.  Onto a new book.  Making that choice is enjoyable.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • What “Shoulds” have burdened you?  Any chance you can let them go?  If that’s difficult, ask yourself, “does completing it serve me, or am I defending against some idea I have about that particular “should?”
  • If you find you regret something you quit before you had a chance to achieve a goal, ask yourself if you can go back.  It can be great to pick up dancing when older.  Or, try learning the language through an easy tutorial or class that you started in high school.  
  • Find soaps for your face and for your body that have a texture and aroma that you find pleasing.  It makes such a difference when we wash ourselves and it feels soothing.  Your senses of smell and touch will feel well taken care of.  

BRRR, The Fifth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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Wow! I just went out to walk Lucy.  It sure is cold out there.  A good portion of the country is very cold.  New York City is no exception this weekend.  Just taking Lucy out for a short walk means bundling up for a solid five minutes to make sure the least amount of skin is exposed to the frigid air.  

Although I had insulated gloves with added glove liners, my fingers would not get warm.  Add to that the couple of times I had to take those sub-par gloves off to pay the brave vendors at the farmer’s market, or to give Lucy a treat.  Not my favorite moments this windy day.  

The thing about the cold is that it really highlights our priorities.  As much as I prefer not going out at all, happy to move to music inside, I do want to support the farms who service us year-round.  And Lucy, whom I adore, is not likely to be able to endure a day inside.  This is her weather as a Tibetan Terrier.  She doesn’t want a doggie jacket, she just wants to feel the wind on her face and the cold air on her hairy body.  She has hair rather than fur.

I curse under my breath when she gives me her usual signs that it’s time to go out.  Though she waits for me patiently as I don layer after layer until I’m ready to face the elements.  Thankfully I have a bevvy of face masks that I wear happily knowing that my nose and lower face are covered from the elements.  Grateful for my protection from the cold.  

It’s unbelievable I was strolling on the beach a week ago.  Now, miles to the north that recent memory feels like a long time ago.  Weather is a constant reminder of the transient nature of life here on earth.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Find the coziest clothes to wear.  The cold can feel so uncomfortable.  When the fabric’s surface gently soothes our skin, it can add an extra benefit aside from simply keeping us warm.  
  • Dance inside.  Even if it’s for one song.  Enjoy the freeing experience while keeping you actively warm.  
  • If you have to go out, walk in the sun.  It’s a good reminder that even when we deem the weather to be bad, there are no absolutes.  It can be beautifully sunny and still gratingly cold.  

Swimming on Vacation, The Fourth Week of the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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I swam for an hour, my head submerged in the warm pool with tiny, wavy prisms, iridescent in the sun-drenched water.  The luxury of having a pool to myself is priceless.  Being able to move seamlessly underwater, thanks to my swimmers’ mask, allows me to stay beneath the surface, enjoying what I’d describe as a meditation in motion.  

 We’re on vacation.  That in and of itself is a gift of relaxation.  I had become rather snippy the first weeks of January, which is always a sign that I need a reset.  I’m still noticing some sharp edges that have yet to be smoothed completely, but the warm air, the sun and the tranquil atmosphere are working their magic.  

There’s a simple ease to being in the Caribbean.  Being able to swim with my mask adds a layer of delight as this vacation kneads the knots of stress from my body, mind and soul.  Sometimes in life there’s a simple fix that changes an experience from okay to wonderful.  That is true of my swimmers’ mask, a device that looks like an outer space unicorn.  It takes up the entire face, so unlike a snorkel, I can breathe just under the surface of water from either my mouth or nose.  There’s a stop at the tip of the hose at the center that prevents water from entering.  And the hose at the center means that swimmers like me can stroke our arms without hitting the tube.  All in all, I am so grateful for this wonderful addition to my swim.  

Life hacks can really help us when they make life easier or more enjoyable.  Years ago, Larry taught me that having the right tool for the right job matters.  He showed me how a well sharpened knife makes a huge difference in the joy of cooking.  Or the correct screwdriver can shorten a belabored task.  Now I have my swim mask, less a tool that a piece of equipment that provides a panoramic view of the pool or the ocean.  A few more swims and the last of the sharp edges will disappear.  At least for now.

Self-Care Tips:

  • Check to see if there’s an easier way to do your chores or activities.  A silicon spatula is helpful to scramble eggs while being gentle on your pan.  A group or family calendar is useful for scheduling.  And a small packet of wipes in your bag or car are good at any age.  
  • If you feel overwhelmed, rather than power on, take a short break.  Walk around the block, meditate, take a power nap, or stretch.  Breaks help us to refocus.  
  • When on the phone, smile while speaking.  It brightens our tone and communicates a softer nature.  

Doing & Being, The Third Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I have salt lamps in my home and work offices.  They are supposed to have a calming effect with the soft pink glow.  I also have a host of self-help books with recommendations on ways to be happier, less stressed, or healthier in every way.  There are not enough hours in the day to prepare and slowly enjoy nourishing meals, move our bodies, meditate, document our thoughts, our habits, our gratitude, mindfully practice yoga, recycle, enjoy nature, be nice to everyone, call our friends, practice aroma therapy, see our health professionals, read or listen to the news, laugh, bring some art into our lives, be creative, be informed, be conscious, relax, be generous, and be happy.  I am overwhelmed living my best life. 

Making a choice to care for myself in one way means I’m making a choice to not do something else.  Perhaps it’s another way of caring.  Resting means I’m not working out.  Working out means I am not relaxing. And so on.  

Nonetheless choices have to be made.  The best I can do is be present in whatever I’m doing.  I see it as checking in with myself and my environment.  What is happening?  How do I feel?  Am I paying attention?  If not, can I refocus?  If I had to describe this, I would say it’s being in the moment, or “beingness.”  It sounds very new age, and perhaps it is in some sense.  But I think more in the tradition of artisans who customarily have singularly focused on their craft.  

Being a psychotherapist has been helpful in learning to be in the moment.  I find it’s essential to listen with intention.  Even when a story has been said before, it has never been said in that moment.  Can I hear the changes? Can I see what connections are being made?  This has been useful.  But since not everyone is a psychotherapist, nor do all psychotherapists practice the same way, each of us can find ways to choose what’s appropriate for any given time as we awkwardly make our way to live our best lives.  

I, for one, will keep my salt lamps burning.  Do they help?  Though I don’t know the science, I do like them, and that’s good enough for my best life.  

Self-CareTips:

  • Do something that brings you joy.  Notice if you can be aware of your mood, sensations in your body, what’s going on around you, and anything else associated with the joyful activity.
  • Make a conscious choice to not do something.  How does that feel?  Can you be present even as you are not doing whatever you’ve chosen?
  • Hydrate.  We tend to forget to drink water or other hydrating liquids in the winter.  

What’s For Dinner? Second Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I was preparing dinner as I do many nights.  Last night was pesto glazed salmon and garlic-marinaded skirt steak with sauteed spinach, garlic bread, and a spicy salad.  Thanks to Marion Zinn, my mother-in-law, I have the best marinade for the steak.  She was a wonderful hostess and served many delicious dishes.  Conversely, my mother would get anxious when hosting guests.  Nonetheless she deserves a shout out as an excellent baker. All three of my siblings and I have fond memories of annual birthday cakes baked from scratch, stored on a glass cake plate with an aluminum cake dome.  I used to cook and bake regularly, but as life’s responsibilities expanded, my domestic duties dwindled.   

Sometimes, though, I want to have a home cooked meal.  I shopped at the farmer’s market gathering some ingredients for dinner, and foraged the refrigerator for the rest.  Even as I began the prep work, I remained hopeful for a nice dinner.  Inevitably, by early evening, I was forgetting one thing or another, and my hope slipped to a tepid aspiration for a good enough meal.  Perhaps it’s this feeling along with my full schedule that diminishes my fondness for cooking these days.   

I realized, which might mean I’m late to the game, that planning, and subsequently serving, dinner is a process that mimics the complications of caring for oneself and perhaps others.  First there’s the consideration of taste.  What do I like?  What does Larry like?  Are there foods that appeal to us as the same time?  If not, what variations do I make?  Will I challenge myself with a new recipe or will I rely on the tried and true?  Not only does flavor matter, but so does nutrition.  I’m not a stickler that every meal meets the daily requirements of a balanced meal plan. However, I do like to have a variety of tastes, textures and basic health guidelines met.  

Now and again meals are more fly by night, others are indulgences, and more often meals are simple and easy to put together after jam-packed days.  I always enjoy good food.  I’m flexible in that I truly enjoy an array of possibilities from vegan to Omakase, and so much in-between.  I prefer local and organic, but I also shop at Trader Joe’s appreciative of their vast and changing selections.  One thing is for sure, I prefer choices, as I do in so many parts of my life.  

In getting dinner together, last night and previously, I’ve noticed the range of feelings I experience.  I start out hopeful, I have moments of frustration, periods I feel relaxed and trusting, and times I get annoyed, wishing I was being served rather than doing the serving.  And I challenge myself to get through the feelings of anxiousness closer to putting the meal on the table.  All in all, it replicates the processes I go through in other areas of my life, which include the original idea, the thought process and the execution.  So much stuffed into a quotidian endeavor.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Recipe for Marion’s marinade: ¼ cup olive oil, just less than ¼ cup cider vinegar, 3 Tablespoons or more of soy sauce, ¼ cup honey, lots and lots of chopped garlic, ½ teaspoon grated ginger (can use fresh, jarred or dry ginger if that’s what you have) Enjoy!
  • Take an everyday activity and break it down, checking in to see the array of feelings you have throughout the process.  Can you insert kindness and care when it feels uncomfortable?  Are you able to go with it when it feels pleasant?  If so, acknowledge yourself.  If not, see if you can make room for whatever comes us.  
  • Chapstick. It’s a great way to get through the winter.  Choose from a host of aromas, flavors, textures and ingredients. Find the one that’s good for you.