Nice; A Grounded-Spirituality Post

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images-1This winter got to me. I became grumpier. I’ve been quick to judge. Yet this past week something renewed my faith in others. I had a rare late dinner with a friend. We laughed and caught up, enjoying this reprieve from our busy lives. I went home on the bus, slightly tipsy from the glass of wine I enjoyed with the meal. It was rainy, so when I got home I was happy to unload my umbrella, rain coat and bags in the vestibule. I took off my rubber boots, went online and received an email. It was from a name I didn’t recognized. Luckily I read it. Noam Franklin wrote that he was the last to get off the bus and saw my bag so it brought it with him. He was ten minutes away. Maybe a 15 minute walk in the rain. I put on my soggy coat and boots, grabbed my umbrella and my dog, and took we walked in the rain. When I got to his friend’s place, Noam had a big smile on his face. And, when I wanted to give him the little money I had in my bag, he refused. Told me to, “Pay it Forward.”

Well, thank you Noam. You were thoughtful and generous. May you always enjoy the kindness of strangers. You lifted my mood, and reinvigorated me. I forgot that some, like you, are kind for no reason other than the fact that you have it in you. I forgot I didn’t have to be so cranky. You gave me back my bag and a new attitude. I won’t promise that I’m not going to be ill-tempered, but I do promise to be kind from time to time. I do promise to pay it forward.NYC_Transit_New_Flyer_5753

Rushing to Yoga; A Grounded-Spirituality Post

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It could have been any day.   I woke up, and immediately did a mental check list of all that had to get done before I left the apartment. I had promised myself that I would make room for yoga. It had been too long and I missed the class and the benefits from going. So, in addition, to gearing up for a busy day, I was in a crunch to get through the family rush hour to make it to class.

First-things-first. I meditated, or I sat down on a mat, spending time with myself, trying not to think of anything except the moment, but getting caught up in the quagmire of my thoughts. Every thought took me away from the moment in which I had the thought. Oh well. Next I brushed my teeth, took a shower, got dressed, made breakfast for myself and my daughter, ate, read and answered emails, and made a list of everything else to be done that day. If I didn’t write the list, then they wouldn’t get done, and I’d have a faint sense that I was missing something. Okay, I was left with a mere five minutes to catch up with my husband. We did that, promising we’d be in touch during the day. I dressed for the cold weather and I was out the door. Down the steps, and I turn back around since I forgot my yoga mat. Then I flew out the door, ran down the stairs and ran to the gym, where I took class with a wonderful Hatha Yoga instructor, Suzanne.

I made it just in time. Well, actually, I was a couple of minutes pass 8:30 AM, but the teacher was speaking with a new student about her assorted injuries. I set up, and I was good to go.

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It’s funny to me that getting to yoga, an activity which grounds us, and has the capacity to bring us inner-peace, is fraught with anxiety and hurried angst. I seem to live in two worlds. The one world is filled with my to-dos. The other world is all I do to remedy living in a hectic environment. I take yoga to feel better. And, I feel better when I take yoga and other things like it. Yet, I haven’t bridged the gap between my yoga class and the rest of my life. At this point, my sense of humor will have to suffice in the absence of a constant Zen presence. Maybe I can find a laughing yoga practice. Another to-do.

Grounded-Spirituality

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“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” – Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

I wanted to start writing a bit about accepting our humanness. There’s so many ways in which we can feel badly about ourselves. The point of these short blog posts is to accept our flaws and learn from our mistakes.
Selfishly, I’m writing these as much for myself as for anyone else. I can be oh, so critical. I’m hard on myself and judgmental of others. I’m not proud of this, but I can be a snob. For example, when I go on vacation, I try to avoid personal conversations with strangers. As a therapist I need to distress and have some alone time, or family fun. However, I find that people on vacation like to make fast friends. I’m usually not interested. And, as a self-defense tactic, I find reasons I formulate in my mind why I want to keep my distance. I necessarily close myself up. Maybe I’m justified, but I can have an edge when trying to ensure my privacy.
Now, I don’t know that I will become less of a snob, but I would like to be able to laugh at myself. In fact, I look forward to enjoying laughing much more, in general. So, this series of posts will be about having more room for our foibles, and appreciating life as it is, including the imperfections.
The plan is to post weekly. I’ll see how that goes, and adjust, if needed, with limited judgment.

In Pursuit of a Good Vacation

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What I left behind in going away

It turns out I’m not much of an all-inclusive gal. We are in a gorgeous setting, in the warmth of Mexico. I am so happy to be out of the New York winter for the week. And, yet, in this lovely setting, I hear muzak when I yearn for quiet. I dine at restaurants that have stunning menus with adequate food. We are in the lap of luxury, and I crave simplicity. Tonight we walked the property. It is spa-like in design, though I heard a mariachi band playing to diners at a themed buffet. We went to the café for an after-dinner espresso. There was a lounge singer nearby. As much as I enjoy soloists, this was more paint by numbers than art. We turned a corner and could hear a mash-up of disco and pop. Lights were blaring, and a DJ was running a show as if a Jersey Bar Mitzvah depended on it.

IMG_0033We were actually looking for the rock band noted on the activity list. We found them. It turns out they were not as loud as the other performers. But they were of equal quality. There was nowhere to go that was silent, except out room. The room is beautiful. The bathroom alone is more spacious than our bedroom at home. And that’s nice. I appreciate a bathtub that has leg room for someone older than five.

There have been lovely moments. We saw the Mayan ruins and the Pyramid. That was truly amazing. And, I relish the laughs we’ve exchanged this week. The talks we’ve had. It’s been so nice to share time together, while also respecting the time we each enjoy on our own. I have no email. So, though I dread the idea of going through over a 1,000 emails when I get home, I am grateful not to have to think of responsibilities for a week. This makes it a true vacation.

I am able to jog. I’m happy about that. I explored Playa Del Carmen, and I went on an easy path. There’s beautiful street art, graffiti art and murals. Walking has also been nice. I’ve been able to walk and run on the narrow beaches. I had planned on swimming, but the pool is particularly cold. No heated pool except for those with concierge service. I do not like feeling like a have-not.

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So, though there have been high points, I will not be returning. I know I’m so fortunate to be able to get away. And, I know what I don’t like. Now I will do my best to discover what I do want from a vacation. I have the sun and time off, which is half of the equation. Now I will work on figuring out the other half, thus completing the satisfying vacation experience.

Getting it Right

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There is a myth that if we just did things better or differently we could avoid some unpleasantness. That certainly has been my credo for a long time. My self-criticism has known no bounds. I was sure that my unhappiness was a matter of me lacking something essential. And, once I was able to gain that something special, I would know eternal happiness. In my mind this included having more money, a fit body, harmonious relationships, and constant inner peace.

I thought I just needed to be more positive. Or, I should be more disciplined, or less critical. Maybe that’s true, but going on a mind loop of what I need to change hasn’t actually helped me. So, rather than perpetuate this thinking, I’m trying accepting my negativity. And, when I say accepting,  I am not saying I am proud of it, nor do I really want to flaunt it. But I can say that it’s part of how I think and if it’s part of me, it’s worth accepting.

I work so hard to be a better person. I’m tired of working so hard, especially when that work brings me back to my starting point. And, now that I’ve returned to my imperfect self, I think I’ll stay here for awhile and see how it feels. Perfection is a great concept, but it’s not really part of my everyday reality. I’m taking a break. Secretly, I’m hoping embracing imperfection is the answer to getting it right. I guess that’s part of the endless loop. And, so it goes….

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Goodbye 2014

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I vacillate between seeing the New Year as a fresh start and thinking of January 1st as the day after December 31st, part of the ongoing process. Either way, I seem to get serious thinking unoriginal philosophical thoughts. What happened this past year? How did it impact me? Did I laugh enough? Did I grow? What did I learn?

IMG_0297IMG_0330I enjoyed the company of my friends. I enjoyed time alone. No, I didn’t laugh enough. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m always thinking of what else needs to get done, or comedy isn’t as funny as it used to be. Perhaps Robin Williams death quieted my laughter for a bit. In the plus column I worked on being less invested in the expectations of my daughter, and made room to enjoy the fullness of her being. It worked. At 15 she inserts a unique perspective that is refreshing. I was able to fall in love with my husband again. It took work on our part, but it was well worth it. I also worked on enjoying more of what I have rather than measuring what I need to improve my life. That’s useful. I’ll continue to work on that.   My classmates were published, and that’s wonderful. I look forward to another year of seeing friends and colleagues published. And, as always, I derive great satisfaction with my work. I am so fortunate to work with extraordinary people. That’s all I’ll say abut that.

On the down side, I ran less and had to slow down due to an injury. Nice to slow down, not so nice being in pain. People I care about had a difficult year, and I feel for them. I was critical, impatient, rude, made excuses for myself, and forgot to laugh because I took myself too seriously. So I’ll continue to work on self-acceptance, as well as enjoy more moments of patience and kindness.

However you view the new year. I hope you’ll enjoy patience, kindness, self-acceptance, personal success, and, more laughter. Happy New Year.

Matisse Makes Me Happy

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One of the pleasures of living in New York is the amazing art available to view. I realized that being a member to various museums was an easy way to make short visits to old favorites and new exhibits. This week I went to a new show at MOMA. I’m not a huge fan of contemporary art. It is a good show as far as these go, and I was happy to be introduced to the art of Dianna Molzan. She has a fresh perspective on how we deliver art, and it made me smile. Because contemporary art is not my first love, I moved quickly through the 6th floor gallery.

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When I finished, it was still early member hours and I revisited The Matisse Cut-outs. What a joy that was. Having thoroughly relished the show previously, I could make a beeline to the pieces that make me smile the most. It was a brief visit since I had to go to an appointment, but seeing his art close up has been a pleasure I’ve savored all week. There’s something about Matisse that makes me happy. His exuberant women, his love of movement, his expansive vision are all a part of it, but that doesn’t really explain his gift. Nor does it clarify why I enjoy his work so much.      I stopped trying to understand. I know what I like and when art speaks to me, I simply enjoy the moment. I’m okay with the fact that Matisse was one of the most popular artists of his or any time. I can be one in a crowd. As long as I have a good view.

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Something Different

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I can be a solitary person. I like my alone time. I like to figure things out on my own and I like doing things by myself. But I learned something new about myself today while running my first race in awhile. I resist change. In the past I was happy to be a solo runner. I am a very slow runner, mindful of my age and the wear and tear my body has endured. I was pleased to be running at all, and it took me a couple of years to run even one race.   Then I ran one run, uncertain of the shouts and cheers the volunteers provided. They meant well, but I liked going at my own pace, listening to a book or a podcast, enjoying beautiful Central Park.

Today for the first time I ran with a partner. Zena, my husband Larry’s cousin, asked if I would meet her to run, and I said I would. She has been a wonderfully encouraging supporter of my running. She runs in Chicago, as well as around the world when she’s traveling for work. So today I ran alongside her. We talked, and she asked how I felt about run/walking. My friend Jeannette, another supporter and avid runner suggested it last week, but I said I wasn’t sure. Clearly they both knew something I didn’t.

The four-mile run today was set to Zena’s clock so we could run nine minutes and walk one minute. I was afraid that if I stopped running I wouldn’t want to start again. But it was a great way to pace the run and feel rejuvenated and motivated. I have always thought myself someone who is open to change, but today seemed more of an exception than the rule. I really enjoyed having a running partner, and I liked the walk run process. I’ll be doing it again. Plus, I may need a good running trainer. As much as I like to do things myself, getting proper support is invaluable. Or so I recognized today.

So, between Zena & Jeannette, my running support, and Larry, as well as our friend, Justine, my cheering squad, along with our dogs, Lucy & Nyah, this run was truly delightful.

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NYC Marathon

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Watching the NYC Marathon runners down First Avenue was simply inspiring. Seeing each person with their own reasons for running push through to continue their relentless course communicates discipline and tenacity. For a few hours this windy, Autumn day I screamed on the sidelines to strangers. I was able to see someone I knew, which was amazing.

The marathon is meaningful to those who run their race. They set a goal and mostly achieved it. And, if they fell short, they can be proud of making the effort to complete it. The marathon is very real, but it’s also a metaphor for life. In my work as a psychotherapist, I witness my clients face challenges in their lives. They work hard to overcome the limitations in their lives, like those who choose to do a marathon. And, mostly, they succeed. Then they face another obstacle and move through the pain and constraints to get to the other side of that challenge. And, so on and so forth.

Most personal processes are private. The individuals who go the extra mile to accomplish their goals have no one on the side-lines cheering them on. The courage they experience is known to only them. It is a solitary path. Depending on the achievements there may be bragging rights. But perhaps not. My good fortune is being able to witness my clients’ triumphs. I may not be yelling, “You Can Do It!” behind the barricades, but I am inspired all the same. I feel so fortunate to respectfully observe the marathons that change lives, both on and off First Avenue.

My Two Careers

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In my every day life I’m a psychotherapist. I love what I do and I am always awed by the courage and growth I witness in my practice. I am committed to my work and my clients, giving what I can to do the work necessary   Even though I go for long walks, meditate, go to my own therapy, take vitamins, and do what I can to laugh, I tend to be exhausted by the end of the week.

Given my line of work, it’s ironic that when I go on vacation I tend to lie about what I do. But I have reason to lie.

Sometimes I make the mistake of being honest when asked, “What do you do?” This past weekend was one of those times.   We stayed at a lovely B&B in upstate New York. Well, lovely for non-therapists. The manager and staff were so friendly. I like good service, but when I go away I don’t want to get to know anyone. I want to unwind.

When we arrived, we were asked how our trip was. We were told a lot about the sweets that were out, the complimentary tea and coffee, and more about the history of the inn and the area. I had to finally let the manager know that I needed a nap. It was a busy week, and I wanted to rest.

The following day, after a morning in which my amiable husband spoke with the chef, I walked downstairs and the chef, making conversation, asked me, “What do you do?” For a second I thought of saying I’m an actuary. It ends any conversation about jobs. Either people don’t know what an actuary is, but don’t want to admit it. Or, they don’t want to talk about statistics. Either way, I’m safe. But I told him the truth, “I’m a therapist.” Before I knew what happened, he was telling me about a hard time in his life.

This was my vacation. I didn’t ask him to come to my home on his day off to cook for me. This is not an unusual incident. The first time I can remember was when I was so happy to start my private practice. As a gift, I was being treated to a day at The Red Door getting spa treatments. The manicurist asked me what I did, and I told her. She then told me about her granddaughter and the trouble she was having. And, though I thought I was obligated to answer, she did not offer me any extra services. I left feeling resentment rather than relaxation.

So, after too many times giving solicited advice, and not getting the proper time off, I started my fictional career when confronted with needy people on my down time. I’m not proud that I lie, but I am relieved that I am not the confidant to strangers in strange places. I guess my vacations include a vacation from the truth.  Being well rested gives me the relief I need to go back to my real job. In my office I can be the psychotherapist I am.IMG_0386

View from the jog I took alone on this vacation.