Tag Archives: #mentalhealth

Our Relationship With the Weather, The Seventeenth Week of the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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Growing up we wore rubbers or rubber boots, gently stretching them until they covered our shoes.  It was a hassle taking them on and off.  But to keep our leather saddle shoes somewhat dry, we sported rubbers over our two-toned oxfords.  These days my low rubber boots are the only shoes I need when it’s wet outside. They keep the water from soaking my socks and allow me to walk about in the rain.  

It’s been a rare occurrence that we’ve had two rainy days on a weekend.  This weekend we’re soggy and a bit chilly.  Lucy, our dog, isn’t inclined to go out, and neither am I.  I danced in our living room for a while moving to international music, happy to be in the flow, not so happy to feel the aches of muscles waking up after being dormant.  Weekends usually mean at least one long walk.  Sometimes it’s a great time to walk when it’s raining.  The sidewalks are less crowded.  Everyone wants to stay inside.  

The rain inspires me to slow down.  I like that.  Of course, other than a few errands, I was not required to work outside, so the impact of the rain is minimal.  Rain in the city, at least when it’s not flood conditions, does not impact us in the same way as it does in more natural settings.  With proper rubber boots and waterproof outerwear, we can navigate curb rivers and downpours.  We may be soggy, but we’re not deterred.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Make sure you have shoes and clothing for the rain.  An old Scandinavian saying goes, “There is no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.” Being prepared is self-care.
  • Notice how different weather affects you.  Respect the weather’s impact so that you are attuned to yourself in relationship to your environmental conditions.
  • Dance.  Play the music you like or find a playlist.  Even if you feel achy, it fires up muscles and brings joy no matter the weather.  

NYBG, The Sixteenth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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My mom had a green thumb.  She could keep any plant or planted flower alive for years.  One of her favorite flowering plants was orchids.  She loved the dramatic curve and the delicate flowers.  She had a knack for keeping them alive and thriving for years.  A couple of times I found orchids I thought she would love.  I carefully brought them home reading the instructions and tending to them so they would make the perfect gift.  However, by the time they made it to her doorstep the blooms would fall and the sad gifts never reflected the hope I had of a lush and luxurious present. 

I was reminded of her love of orchids yesterday when I visited the Orchid Show at the New York Botanical Garden designed by the gifted Lily Kwong.  The many varieties displayed on rocks, wood, soil, and other surfaces was a pageant of natural wonder.    Walking through the conservatory was a collection of eye candy, elevating the joy of connecting with nature.  

Though the pictures don’t do the show justice, since snippets of the show don’t reflect the wonder in its entirety, I wanted to share some of the beauty found there.  The Botanical Gardens, open spaces, and natural settings continue to be the balm for the everyday challenges we face.  

Self-Care Tips

  • A gentle reminder to do things that please all your senses.  It doesn’t have to be at once.  Listen to something wonderful, music, the spoken word, a lovely soundscape.  Sniff pleasing scents.  Look at something beautiful.  Touch things that alight soothing feelings. Taste something delicious.  
  • Throw out old spices if you’re able.  They lose flavor.  Plus, it can feel more exciting to cook with fresh or new ingredients.
  •  When someone says something that hurts your feelings, ask them if they meant to upset you or hurt you.  Sometimes we react, and the person has no idea they hurt us.  Plus, we get a better sense of how they think, and it delays our instinct to react.   

Let’s Do Better, The Fifteenth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I came home late last night after seeing a beautifully moving theater piece by Suzan-Lori Parks at The Public Theater.  Retrieving our mail, I saw a broken glass and a brick on the lobby carpet.  Apparently, a group of teens were told to leave the area while smoking. So one of them in anger threw a brick through the window to show ‘them.”  It created more work for the porter and super who had to clean up and make immediate repairs on their weekend off. Needless to say the super and porter were nowhere near the incident when it happened.  

Too many people of all ages have little or no control of their expression of anger.  The honking in the city is out of control.  People are emotionally abusive in the workplace.  Or we’re ranting on social media.  There is a huge uptick of violence throughout the United States, and certain other parts of the world.  We are unchecked.  

I think we were so excited to leap past the couple of years of the pandemic that we forgot to heal from the losses, the changes, the pain.  Now we’re feeling the backlash.   So many are acting out because we didn’t do a great job learning and teaching how to care for ourselves when things are tough.  And if we’re not attending to our own needs, we’re not in a position to think of what our behavior will do to others. 

I’m doing my best to understand that when I’m reactive and harsh something is going on internally.  I may not understand it, but I can appreciate that I and those around me are impacted.  As Sharon Salzberg, Judson Brewer and others advocate in Loving Kindness mediation, “May I be free from inner and outer harm.”  Let’s care for ourselves with kindness and care.  Enjoying peace is an active intention.  

Self Care Tips

  • Though it’s not the season, this short video of David Bowie & Bing Crosby is uplifting.  We can use that now,  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCpXMy5GalI.  
  • Try a brief Loving Kindness mediation as practiced with Sharon Salzberg in which you repeat the ideas, “May I be healthy, may I be happy, may I be peaceful and live with ease.” Then, “May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you be peaceful and live with ease.”
  • When difficult emotions arise and you’re feeling powerful sadness, fear, or anger, rather than blame yourself, others, or try to shut down your feelings, tell yourself you can get through this.  Think what will soothe you.  Remember these strong feelings come in waves, so it will subside.  In short, bring kindness and care in those difficult moments as opposed to acting out.  

Dashed Plans, The Thirteenth Week of the Second Year in the new Abnormal

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I am a planner. Though I am open to spontaneous experiences, I usually rely on my calendar to settle into the day. In recent months I have had to change plans a good number of times.  Often, I’ve enjoyed folding the new into what I had expected.  But this last week too many plans changed, and my equilibrium is off.  My sense of self along with my comfort levels are being tested.  

My schedule changed.  Not only did my work schedule fluctuate day to day, but even personal plans and appointments got shuffled more than once.  I had not expected that, and I am working on finding a way for these changes to support me in outside endeavors.  It was mildly unsettling.  Nonetheless, the shifts in my schedule may be an opportunity to complete a book I’ve been working on a couple of years now with mixed emotions and limited time.  Along with all the other changes of last week, it was pointed out to me that the book needs to be reworked.  It’s not the first time, but I am losing steam and it’s hard to rally to continue.  

Perhaps these changes mean it’s time to reassess, and probably slow down.  As much as I like to be busy, accomplishing what I want takes time and focus, and my busyness has waylaid the process.  I’ll continue with the book even as I question my ability to go on, and my uncertainty of how to do that.  The book is on everyday courage.  I will be taking my own counsel today and going forward.  I may be weary, but I’m not worn.  

I have a new plan now.  The plan is to create a new blueprint going forward, referencing my experiences, while giving me more space for changes since they’re bound to happen.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Stretch your arms above your head, and then out to the side.  If you’d like, add an affirmation such as “It’s safe to take the space I need.”
  • When you’re faced with a change (and you will be at some point), check in with yourself.  Notice any physical sensations.  Be patient and assess what you may need to adjust to the change.  
  • Savor delicious foods, joyous moments, shared laughter.  When something is good it warrants being savored.  

Fails, The Twelfth Week of the Second Year in the new Abnormal

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I just heard that The Museum of Failure in Brooklyn opened last week (https://museumoffailure.com).  It’s primarily a collection of product fails through the last 5 decades or so.  I’m happy to be celebrating failure.  Their slogan is “Innovation Needs Failure!”  I’m not so sure I can say I’ve been innovative, unless one considers resourcefulness as an innovation, but I can say with absolute certainty that I, too, have a history of failures.

Though certainly not my first or last, but within vivid memory, is my failed first driving test. I remain an anxious driver. Lucky for me and other vehicles on the road, I live in Manhattan, have not owned a car since my late teens, and rarely drive.  At the time, I was 17, did not want to take the bus to high school anymore, and was horrified that I failed.  I didn’t want to drive so much as reap the benefits of being a driver, but I could not face my friends and classmates admitting to this personal and social failure.  

It’s taken me long time to own my failures. When I was younger, I was horrified to share any failures. Either I was afraid I’d get in trouble, or I was afraid I’d be judged poorly.  Though I experienced both, it was my own self-judgement that was harsher than anything I endured by others.  Luckily, the long line of mistakes I’ve made in this life have allowed me the opportunity to soften my judgement, and simply see mistakes as part of the human experience. 

Hopefully over the years I’ve learned from my mistakes.  Sadly, some mistakes hurt others by over sharing, or needing to fulfill some personal need rather than understanding that it would harm some else.  I lost friends given my poor judgement.  But I’ve also had friends who had a forgiving heart and understood I was lost or misguided, forgiving me, and allowing me to do better.  It is those friends, therapists, and family members who fostered change and growth.  I will always be grateful to them.  And I am now grateful to those who walked away because they didn’t want to be hurt again.  They taught me to do better and be better and to treat myself with care rather than look to others to validate me, especially when vulnerable. 

I look forward to making the trip to the Museum of Failure.  There’s something comforting in knowing it’s out there.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When you’ve failed at something, write in a journal how it feels, and, when possible, what you learned that will help you in the future.  Try as best you can to be gentle with yourself, appreciating that the failure is part of the journey.  
  • When speaking on the phone purposely smile.  There is research to suggest that smiling lightens one’s speaking tone allowing for a more positive interaction.  
  • Throughout the day repeat the phrase, aloud or internally, “I am Enough.”  Experiencing ourselves as enough releases the pressure to be more, better, or different.  

Unexpected Kindness, The Eleventh Week in the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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I left my passport at the hotel two and half miles from Reykjavik.  I was leaving for JFK the next day.  We had had a magnificent trip, and my passport was in the safe where I left it along with U.S. dollars I wasn’t going to spend in Iceland.  Our driver, an adventure tour guide in his own right, was going to drop off some guests and pick up passengers to bring back to the capitol city the next morning.  He would be happy to bring back my passport and drive us to the airport.  The magnificent experience continued.  

I next called the hotel. They got back to me to let me know they had secured my passport and money and it was in an envelope at the front desk waiting for our driver.  This was all done with ease.  The Icelandic vibe was “no problem.”  It seemed inherent to them to be kind and considerate.  They did not communicate any extra effort, nor did they indicate I was putting them out in any way.  I was beyond relieved.  

Surprisingly, I also didn’t berate myself for my forgetfulness.  Not that long ago I would have been so hard on myself for not being uber aware of everything.  This time, though, my mistake led to a greater appreciation of the kindness of others.  To be the fortunate recipient of thoughtfulness was another gift of the trip.  Not only did we enjoy natural wonders, but we also took pleasure in naturally wonderful people.  It was good fortune, indeed. 

Self-Care Tips:

  • See if there is an easy way to give to another.  Offer your seat on public transportation, open the door for a stranger, pay for someone else’s coffee, or create your own thoughtful act.  Be part of an enduring act of kindness.  
  • Let someone know how much you appreciate their kindness.  Whether you mention something having witness a kind act, are in touch with someone from the past who was good to you, or you give a warm thank you in the moment, your appreciation perpetuates kindness at large.  
  • Identify aspects of nature you most enjoy.  If you’re able to visit, great.  If not, perhaps you can find items or scents that elicit your enjoyment. It can be sea water, flowers, cut grass, or mountain air.  Whatever your pleasure, breath in the satisfying aroma.  

Sunrise Reflections, The Ninth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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Unlike many recommendations for sleep hygiene, I do not go to sleep the same time each night.  Some nights I work late, some nights I enjoy the theater or other live entertainment.  Some nights I’m reading, while others I’m catching up on a television show.  I do my best to listen to signs of being tired if I’m at home, and I put myself to sleep accordingly.  Inevitably, this leaves me in a perpetual state of never quite catching up with the shows I enjoy.  

Then, in the morning, I look out my window to determine if I will catch the sun rise.  Often, I’m too tired to move and I get back under the covers.  I’ll even admit to being relieved some mornings when it’s too cloudy to enjoy the colors of the dawn.  And, then there are the other days I put on some sweats and walk across the street to take in the sunrise over Queens across the East River.  

Our minds like rules.  I spent too many formative years not admitting that I prefer to assess what I need in the morning, evening, or at any given time of day.  I followed some rules, but privately, I’ve preferred to check in with myself to see what I want.  It’s an imperfect system.  Sometimes I struggle to make a decision about capturing the sunrise.  Other mornings it’s very clear that I will either make the short trek to the East River Promenade, or I will return to bed to meditate and read. 

In any event, this blog has been a motivation to get out before 6:30 am at least once a week.  I like taking pictures.  But there is also something to be said about appreciating the spray of colors from my bedroom window without documenting it.  A private moment of a universal phenomenon.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • If you are attached to your routine, see if in one instance you can change it up.  See how that feels.  Are you afraid of not being safe?  Does it feel freeing?  And, if you are doing something as a routine that does not bring satisfaction, look into alternatives that may support you in a kinder way.
  • When you have an urge to do something impulsive, stop for a moment.  Ask yourself if this is what you want.  If so, then enjoy.  If not, see if you can pause until you know what might be a better action.  
  • When you have a chance, take in a sunrise or sunset.  They have the power to soothe the soul.  

Live Music, The Seventh Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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The power of music, particularly music that is performed with great love and skill can be transformative.  This past week I was fortunate enough to attend two live concerts, very different styles, but very similar intentions of sharing joy through their performances.  

The first performance, Wednesday night took place at The Cutting Room, a midtown concert hall with a storied history.  Felicia Collins, the lead guitarist and singer owned the stage.  I knew her through Larry.  She was guitarist and vocalist of the Paul Shaffer Band on The David Letterman Show.  She continues to play.  And we were fortunate enough to enjoy her concert celebrating the music of Sly and the Family Stone.  She resurrected the messages of inclusion and connectivity for which the band was well known.  Felicia and her amazingly talented band, ThrowDown, covered Sly and the Family Stone hits.  What a wonderful throwback.  Lessons still to be realized from the late 60s.  

Then on Thursday I was at the 92nd St Y.  An Upper Eastside institution, they have a concert hall, in which they host talks, special events and concerts.  I had the utter privilege of enjoying Kelli O’Hara sing the night away.  She was awesome.  And, as if from the heavens she sang with the extraordinary John Holiday.  The evening was transcendent. 

Both artists, Felicia and Kelli, are gifted.  But add to those gifts the years of disciplined practice and performance expanding their gifts from personal to generously shared on world stages.  They are two of the few, compared to the population at large, who work hard to make the very most of innate talent.  We are forever grateful.  

Between those two incredible performances we had the benefit of entering a taxi with a driver who was amazing.  He didn’t sing.  I never found out if he could.  But he was so polite and warm that his simple presence felt like an art.  

Whether there’s music made with love or conversation made of dignity, we all tap into our better selves when we are in the company of the best of humanity.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • If you’re able to attend a live concert of music that communicates love, joy, or connection, go.  It will uplift you.  If you are unable to see a live concert, try YouTube.  I suggest Judy Garland singing with Barbra Streisand, but feel free to choose what you like.  
  • When you encounter someone who is genuinely kind and caring, take a moment to appreciate how that impacts you.  If you’re able and willing, acknowledge them with a thank you.
  • Clean out your sock drawer.  Feel free to give away tight socks, throw out or reuse as dusters socks with holes, and see what socks you had forgotten but might like to wear again.  It’s easy, doesn’t take too long, and gives us a feeling of accomplishment.  

I Quit! The Sixth Week in the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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I was walking downtown listening to a light novel, a quasi-romcom.  It had started off well and then it took a nose-dive from there.  About halfway to my destination I turned it off.  I simply wasn’t enjoying it anymore.  I had wanted a break from heavier subjects or professional readings.  This was not the break I needed.  

Growing up I often heard the adage “Losers Never Quit, and Quitters Never Lose.”  In this case, I was losing time and joy if I didn’t quit.  For so long I had always finished the books I started, I didn’t cancel plans unless there was an emergency.  And I stayed to the end of plays, movies, television series and concerts rather than leave at the intermission if I wasn’t enjoying it.  The pleasure of maturing, or at least being older is that I do not have to berate myself for quitting.  

Stopping when something is not right for us is a gift, not a determination of failure.  I win when I consider my needs.  Of course, this is not a recommendation to simply quit whenever we want.  Reading a book for pleasure means that I am seeking pleasure in reading it.  When it’s not pleasurable, then quitting and finding something that I do find pleasurable meets my goal of a pleasurable read.  When I’m meditating and I get uncomfortable, I don’t quit, I observe what’s happening and fold that into the meditation practice.  Mediation is about making space for whatever is happening.  So I am not betraying my goal by resisting quitting in the middle. 

It’s not always easy to choose whether to carry on with an activity or whether to quit because it’s not in our best interest.  When I was younger, I was stuck because I thought quitting spoke of a weak characteristic in me, and I wanted to avoid that.  Accepting ourselves by not living dogmatically allows us to assess when to quit and when to keep going.  I am more apt to find my way forward when I’m not forcing it.  When I take away the “shoulds” it’s easier to make the right choice for any given time.  Onto a new book.  Making that choice is enjoyable.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • What “Shoulds” have burdened you?  Any chance you can let them go?  If that’s difficult, ask yourself, “does completing it serve me, or am I defending against some idea I have about that particular “should?”
  • If you find you regret something you quit before you had a chance to achieve a goal, ask yourself if you can go back.  It can be great to pick up dancing when older.  Or, try learning the language through an easy tutorial or class that you started in high school.  
  • Find soaps for your face and for your body that have a texture and aroma that you find pleasing.  It makes such a difference when we wash ourselves and it feels soothing.  Your senses of smell and touch will feel well taken care of.  

BRRR, The Fifth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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Wow! I just went out to walk Lucy.  It sure is cold out there.  A good portion of the country is very cold.  New York City is no exception this weekend.  Just taking Lucy out for a short walk means bundling up for a solid five minutes to make sure the least amount of skin is exposed to the frigid air.  

Although I had insulated gloves with added glove liners, my fingers would not get warm.  Add to that the couple of times I had to take those sub-par gloves off to pay the brave vendors at the farmer’s market, or to give Lucy a treat.  Not my favorite moments this windy day.  

The thing about the cold is that it really highlights our priorities.  As much as I prefer not going out at all, happy to move to music inside, I do want to support the farms who service us year-round.  And Lucy, whom I adore, is not likely to be able to endure a day inside.  This is her weather as a Tibetan Terrier.  She doesn’t want a doggie jacket, she just wants to feel the wind on her face and the cold air on her hairy body.  She has hair rather than fur.

I curse under my breath when she gives me her usual signs that it’s time to go out.  Though she waits for me patiently as I don layer after layer until I’m ready to face the elements.  Thankfully I have a bevvy of face masks that I wear happily knowing that my nose and lower face are covered from the elements.  Grateful for my protection from the cold.  

It’s unbelievable I was strolling on the beach a week ago.  Now, miles to the north that recent memory feels like a long time ago.  Weather is a constant reminder of the transient nature of life here on earth.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Find the coziest clothes to wear.  The cold can feel so uncomfortable.  When the fabric’s surface gently soothes our skin, it can add an extra benefit aside from simply keeping us warm.  
  • Dance inside.  Even if it’s for one song.  Enjoy the freeing experience while keeping you actively warm.  
  • If you have to go out, walk in the sun.  It’s a good reminder that even when we deem the weather to be bad, there are no absolutes.  It can be beautifully sunny and still gratingly cold.