Category Archives: aging

Old Lady TikTok, Week Twenty-Four in the No Longer New Abnormal

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I spent five days this week recording short videos for my new book, In the Time of Coronavirus, Reflecting on the Past to Embrace a Joyful Future.  I am uncomfortable promoting the book.  I am not made for publicity and sales.  They are not my strengths.  But I am willing to move out of my comfort zone (though is life ever really comfortable?) and attempt to promote my book by sharing self-care tips from the paperback.  

The lighting has been all wrong.  I jerry-rigged a desk and a stack of books to record the videos.  And, I have no idea how to edit , so you can see m turning the record button on and off.  I see wonderful, professionally styled videos on TikTok.  But every time I go to the app, I am flummoxed and can’t figure out some of the simplest issues.  

I imagine I’ll learn through trial and error.  Or I can hope to befriend a much younger person who can guide me past my antiquated ways.  In the meantime, I will hobble along posting substandard clips.  Hopefully the featured self-care tips will be value-added on these amateur endeavors.  In the meantime, I’m living and learning.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Keep the self-care tips coming, buy In the Time of Coronavirus.  Perhaps this tip is self-care for me.  But it is my hope, you will benefit from the tips in the book.  
  • Keep a pad & oen along with a small flashlight by your bed.  If you have a hard time getting to sleep, or you wake up with thoughts swirling, writing worries or thoughts down long-hand without the assistance of a lit device, will help you to get the sleep you need.  
  • When making a written request, reread what you’ve written to make sure the request is clear thus enhancing your chances of getting what you want. 

Take Care, Week Twelve in the No Longer New Abnormal

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This past week I heard of the death of two people from my past.  I heard from three people presently who are ill, and we are all hearing about too many in our world who are in pain, who are suffering, or who have experienced significant losses.  Life is precious.  

I had a very full week.  I laughed, I cried, I stayed in to rest and reflect, I went out to celebrate.  I enjoyed wonderful music, good art, delicious food, and good friends, all while missing others who I didn’t get to see, and the few I’ll never see again. There is no right way to live in the presence of sorrow, whether personal or global.  We all must find our own way.  Yet, we can bring care and respect while navigating our challenges.  

I choose to live fully.  I tend to rest only after I have nothing left.  Others do better to dig into less energetic pursuits.  Let’s remember that we are all doing our best.  When I can, I try to take into account that there is no ill intent on the part of others.  They, too, are weighed down by life’s difficulties.  When possible, I try to have grace for others.  Though when I don’t then I try to have some grace for myself.  My hope is that we will do our best to bring care to each moment and to all we encounter.  When life is tough, when the world is hard, care can be a revolutionary act.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Give yourself grace when you’re not your best.  It’s not a pass to behave poorly, but a way of proving kindness to yourself as you learn and grow. 
  • If something doesn’t turn out the way you want, see if you can find a takeaway.  Did you learn something?  Was there an unexpected gift in it?  If so, take that in.  It may not make up for what happened, but you can still gain something from something that didn’t go as planned.  
  • Put on some music and sing along with your favorite music.  Get the lyrics online to make it easier.  It’s a stress buster to do a sing-along.  

This is Not About Daylight Savings Time, Week Eleven in the No Longer New Abnormal

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We can be shiny and perfect and admired, or we can be real and honest and vulnerable and loved. But we actually do have to choose.  Glennon Doyle Melton

I listen to Glennon’s podcast, “We Can Do Hard Things.”  On one of her podcasts she said that she used to worry that no one was listening to her.  Her audiences were small, her readership small.  But then she started seeing and hearing the few who were listening.  She realized that each person was important, not the number itself.  It was so meaningful to hear that.  I have taken it to heart.  

A couple of years ago I had an idea for a book on courage. I worked on it assiduously, but it needed more rewrites.  I took a break.  The first thing I was told while writing the first draft was to build a platform.  I was told if publishing companies would take me on as an unknown author they needed a large following from me.  I tried to expand my readership as a blogger.  I put out a few failed TikTok videos. I posted to most social media platforms.  I was pushing too hard and not sufficiently expanding at my slow pace. 

I’m no salesperson. Being an “influencer” requires a certain amount of salesmanship.   It’s a specific skill set that I lack.  In high school I tried sales, but it cost me more in gas than I ever made in earnings.  Now, even though I’m supposed to be building a platform, I, instead, am finding out more about my readers.  You matter.  I am so grateful for your likes, your comments, your writings, posts and shares.  I truly believe individuality outweighs crowds.  

I am no longer upset, as I was when I was younger, when a party was small. I sadly focused on those who didn’t come rather than the caring souls who attended.  That was a function of insecurity.   It took a long time for me to appreciate those who show up.  I can deal with small numbers of likes.  I can look at the list and appreciate each person who has generously given of his/her/their time and consideration.  My self-worth, our self-worth, is not how many people we connect with, but the quality of any and all connections.  

I don’t know how many books of my pandemic era blog posts I’ll sell.  I went with a hybrid press, Atmosphere Press, so I didn’t have to fully rely on my lack of sales acumen. They’d like me to sell a lot books, but it’s not a dealbreaker.  Instead, I can continue to value the individual over the many.  

I thank you for reading this, for being a part of my life, albeit, online, yet meaningful, nonetheless.  You have truly helped.  

Self-Care Tips:  

  • * When you find that things didn’t turn out the way you expected, see if you can find the small gem in the new circumstances.  It may not compensate for what you had hoped for, but it can give you something you didn’t know you needed.  
  • * Think small.  We often get overtaken by big numbers, big experiences.  When we can be in the moment, we feel alive in a very special way. 
  • * We live in a time of feeling overwhelmed.  We can mitigate that by acknowledging what we have accomplished rather than focusing on what we think we have to get done.  

A Trip to the Garden, Week Eight of the No Longer New Abnormal

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There’s nothing like a flower show in the middle of a cold winter to warm our souls.  That was my thinking as I embarked on the member preview of the Orchid Show at the New York Botanical Garden in the Bronx.  My plan was to get there early so I could get in and out and home for work.  I walked in the chilly weather to the subway where I got on the number 5 subway to Bedford Avenue.  However, it was the number 4 train that I needed, so I had to reroute, getting off at the Grand Concourse and then settling in for a 45-minute ride to the Garden via the Bx 19 bus.  This was an hour detour in total, getting me to the Garden with the throngs of people who also wanted to enjoy the tropical flowers.  

I made the decision to return via Metro North getting off at 42nd Street, but first I had to winnow my way through unwieldy Instagram photographers and flower gawkers.  Even when I politely said excuse me, as I wanted to get away from the heavily-clothed crowd and make my train back to the city, I was greeted by annoying responses.  They were irritated that I’d want to pass them, and had something to say to me.  

There were a few narrow openings, and I made my way past the hot house , thus able to escape in time for my train back to the city.  As gorgeous as the flowers are, I will return on an early weekday when there is less of a rush, and I can quietly enjoy the annual oasis.  

There was a time I would have been so hard on myself for getting on the wrong train, dealing with the crowds, and generally making mistakes.  I would have been judgmental of the cantankerous flower gawkers. I still have my moments, but I was not hard on myself. Nor was I angry with the unwanted commentary.   I simply learned for the next time.  And I enjoyed my bus ride, getting to see parts of the city I don’t normally see.  Age, mediation, and therapy have all been helpful in being kinder to myself and more accepting of others.  Though I spent less time with the flowers than I had planned, I received other unexpected gifts.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Bring a flower home or go out to see flowers where you can.  Photos can also do the trick.  As we get through the rest of this winter, flowers do brighten the darker days.  Trader Joes has terrific prices on flowers.  You can gift or get amaryllis bulbs in wax online. Like at Tulip World.  
  • Do a kindness mediation.  Sharon Salzberg has wonderful Loving Kindness mediations.  10% Happier also has a terrific selection of kindness meditations.  Or find one online.  
  • Attend to your feet.  Sometimes a nice body or foot cream massaged into your feet can be a simple, caring act. 

A Terrific Show, Week Six in the No Longer New Abnormal

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“Don’t wait for people to tell you who you are.  Show them. “ 

Laura Benanti

I just came home from seeing Audible Theater’s production of Nobody Cares, written and performed by Laura Benanti.  She is a singular talent.  Before the show there were a bevy of celebrities in the audience including Patti Lupone, Sarah Bareiles, and Larry Owens.  They came to enjoy an evening featuring their colleague and friend.  

I laughed aloud when I wasn’t deeply moved by Laura Benanti’s honesty and vulnerability.  She mentions her therapist in the show, and I was honestly jealous that I’m not her therapist.  Although, perhaps, in that case, I wouldn’t have been at the theater for what turned out to be a delightful experience.  

There are only three performances before it’s mastered for Audible.  You can hear it as an Audible production.  And, though I enjoyed the visuals of the show, I will absolutely purchase the Audible version. No doubt I’ll get looks when I’m laughing aloud listening to the recorded version on one of my walks.  

While I was downtown there were long lines to get into the comedy club around the corner from the theater. The restaurants were packed, and the streets were full of visitors experiencing the Greenwich Village lifestyle, if only for a night.  

The city offers so much, and for tonight it was the incomparable Laura Benanti.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Go for a walk while the sun is out.  The days have been gloomy and it’s impacted our moods.  Take in all the vitamin D you can and notice the difference.  
  • Laugh.  Whether you look at New Yorker cartoons, watch silly videos, or turn on an old sitcom, there is nothing like laughter to break up the stress.  
  • Enjoy soup in this cold weather.  Make your own or buy one you like.  Warm soup can be so comforting. 

In Vogue, Week Three of the No Longer New Abnormal

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“True empowerment comes from knowing and embracing your own worth.”

Beverly Johnson

I just saw the new one woman show, In Vogue, in which Beverly Johnson shares her life’s story with a backdrop of photos of her, the culture, and other iconic people, movements, and moments in history.  

I received a flyer in the mail and knew I wanted to see her.  My mother was an avid magazine reader.  As a young school-aged girl, I couldn’t wait for the monthly McCall’s issue so that I could play with the Betsy McCall paper dolls.  In my teen years I waited rather impatiently for my mother to finish her Glamour and Vogue issues, so I could enjoy them second-hand, always pleased to see the beautiful Beverly Johnson on their covers.  So when I heard she’d be in her own show I jumped at the chance of seeing her live and hearing more about her.  

In an intimate off-Broadway theater seated on stage with black pumps, black designer framed glasses, and a beautifully tailored suit, Beverly Johnson sits regally on a director’s chair to the side of a large screen.  I won’t tell you too much about the show, but I will say it begins honoring the many black women who were firsts. 

Though she faced so many challenges there was not even a whiff of victimhood.  She is proud of all she’s accomplished, and as audience members, we felt proud for her, too. 

Not all trailblazers are famous.  So many are the first in their family to go to college.  Or the first person in their community to travel outside their zip code.  Maybe you were first to pursue a dream, or to do something different from those around you.  It’s so easy these days to get upset by loud and mean voices.  It behooves us to purposely seek out inspiration from those who make a positive difference in the world around us.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Read a biography or memoir.  Or watch a documentary of a vanguard and allow yourself to be inspired by the gumption it takes in setting a precedent.  
  • Try something different.  If you always eat the same salad dressing, try making your own with a new recipe or ingredient.  You can always go back, but trying something new can open us up in unknown ways.  
  • Find the courage to speak up when you someone is hurtful to you or others.  

I Like Quotes, Week One of The No-Longer-New-Abnormal

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“Just do what works for you, because there will always be someone who thinks differently.”  Michelle Obama

I love quotes.  When I first started my psychotherapy private practice in the mid-90s before there were iPhones and Facebook, I had an answering machine, and the recording included quotes on there.  I changed them monthly or so, and it felt nice.  But I was a new therapist and I wanted to do things right.  It felt right to me.  Nonetheless, I was told by a senior therapist, one who I respected, that I might want to rethink having something so personal on my outgoing message.  The common practice was to be as neutral as possible. Her thinking was that a chosen quote could possibly be sharing unnecessary private information about me or, it might be misconceived.  

I regretfully took it off my machine.  I wanted to do the right thing, and as someone new to the field I thought a more seasoned therapist would know better.  Over the subsequent years I have come to believe that I can share quotes should I choose.  If a potential client feels uncomfortable with that, or they are not fond of the quote, then they are given important information and can move on to find the right therapist for them.  And those who align with whatever quote I post, may feel good about sharing in that philosophy.  Whatever the case, I have the freedom to express myself as long as I am also responsible for managing whatever consequences my actions may have.  

That therapist was trying to help.  I don’t think she was judgmental or bossy.  This is how she learned to practice and was simply passing on specific expertise.  I was too insecure to do what felt right for me, so I ignored my desire for self-expression is the service of doing what was deemed professional.  Now I understand that professionalism comes in many forms.  My office, described as shabby chic by one client, will not feel welcoming to someone who prefers a more neutral setting.  I wanted a homey feel.  It does impart information about me, whether in the artwork on the walls or from the books on my bookshelves.  And so be it. For me this is a welcoming space, but not for everyone.  

It’s taken me years to feel good walking in my own shoes.  They are not the worn tennis Tretorns my mother passed down to me in my teens and early adulthood.  Nor are they the stiff leather oxfords my dad brought home for me in my childhood and preteen years when they didn’t sell at his store.  They are shoes I’ve chosen on my own, colorful, wide, and comfortable.  I walk in them like the New Yorker I am, at a clipped pace walking around those who might slow me down.  

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” Dr Seuss

Self-Care Tips:

  • Find a quote or quotes you like and keep it (or them) in a place you can come back to.  It will remind you to smile or be inspired, or both.  
  • Identify ways in which you express yourself that feel good to you.  Also identify those who appreciate you for who you are.  Make a point to be in touch with them so you can enjoy the ease of feeling the freedom to simply be.  If you feel misunderstood, look for those who might potentially share in your style of self-expression so you can live fully as yourself.  
  • Learn from your mistakes.  Sometimes we have to go left to see clearly we have to make a U-turn so that we belatedly go right.  

Ahhh, Naps, The Forty-Eighth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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Napping was my top priority this past week.  They were usually twenty to thirty minutes max.  They made a tremendous difference in my mood.  I was able to get through the week with a greater capacity for patience.  I had more room for the things that usually get under my skin, like loud car horns in grid lock, or the annoying overspill from packages protected with shredded paper or other messy stuffing. 

There’s nothing like a good nap.  It can be rejuvenating, especially when it’s been a long day and I’ve been short on sleep.  This past week rest was in order.  Life is full, which is wonderful, however, I need to pace myself.  Previously the learning curve has been slow going when it comes to pacing.  So, to get into a supportive pace I took naps where and when I could fit them in.  

I know I need the sleep when it’s so easy to fall asleep and I feel refreshed upon waking. For years I’ve prioritized movement over rest.  Now I’m working on finding a balance so that I am energized when in motion and I am naturally tired at the end of the day, allowing for a restful night.  Stress can interfere with sleep.  And there’s been no lack of stress for so many of us these last months and even years.  

I may not be able to control the amount of stressful circumstances that come my way, but the napping helps me to handle it better than when I’m sleep deprived.  As a moody person, I will continue to minimize the low moods by getting the naps I need.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Close your eyes.  If it’s an easy moment, open them again and see if you can look at the surrounding space differently.  Maybe you can notice something you didn’t see before.  
  • Close your eyes.  If you automatically feel sleepy, think if you cannot do something so that you can take a short nap. 
  •  Close Your eyes.  Imagine a world in which kindness, respect and peace are everyday norms.  Then as best you can, embody those values throughout your day.   

Nature Speaks, The Forty-Sixth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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Autumn colors fire up Central Park.  I had the good fortune of walking through the park on several occasions this past week.  I was reminded that this season represents the last of the foliage as the trees and plants prepare for the winter.  Following winter comes a renewal as Spring brings greenery and flowers to enjoy.  Just seeing the colorful trees brought hope. 

 I realized that whatever hardship I’m going through, whatever darkness we’re witnessing in the world, change is inevitable.  For that I am grateful.  

“This too shall pass” is a wonderful mantra.  The more we face adversity, the more important it is to remember that whatever we’re going through is temporary.  When we’re in the eye of the storm surviving may be our first priority.  But as we get through it, giving ourselves grace, meaning making room for our experiences, we come to know that there are subtle shifts that take place along the way.  

I remember many long drives on the weekends of my youth.  The six of us would crowd into the car.  My father was first to get in, my mother last. Sometimes my dad would move our Ford station wagon down the driveway to indicate that he was ready to go.  The car smelled of wet boxes and stale mints.  I liked the far back, looking into the rear window seeing where we just passed.  In the Autumn months I got bored on the roads with few signposts.  As my mother waxed poetic about the turning leaves, I was only taken by the deep red tree coverings.  

It was only years later in my adulthood that I could appreciate the beauty of Autumn’s majestic transformation.  And this past week the visual display shifted my perspective.  Simple gifts of nature make such a difference.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When things are tough and you’re able to take it in, remember that “This too shall pass.”
  • Look around the natural world and breath in the gifts you see, hear or feel.  
  • Keep scents close by that induce calm.  I love vanilla, as well as my rose and almond oil hand soap.  How about you?  

Those Who Move Us, The Forty-Second Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I’ve been watching Dear… on Apple TV.  I found it by accident.  While looking for another program a small square with Selena Gomez’s image caught my eye.  I clicked on her framed face and came upon Dear…  I watched the 30-minute segment and was immediately hooked.  

The series features individuals in the public eye, some athletes, actors, writers, or activists, as they engage with letters of those who have been inspired by them The featured famous person’s  influence has helped to change the letter writers’ lives.  

We all have people in our lives, those who have touched us, helping us to be our better selves.  My first memory of someone like that was Mrs.Schlosberg, my first-grade teacher at Stafford Elementary School in Cherry Hill, NJ.  Prior to her coming to our school, my classroom was in a corner of the school auditorium.  Our teacher was a mean woman who had me sit in the corner on a daily basis because I laughed out loud, a young child’s nervous habit.  There’s a thin line between laughter and crying. By the end of my school days, at the age of six, having been shamed for laughing, I would cry for being treated poorly by that teacher.  

Later in the Fall, we were moved to the old art room transformed into a new classroom. Our new teacher, Mrs. Schlosberg, was a compassionate educator who cared about her students.  She didn’t see me as a bad seed, she saw me as a child who was struggling, and she took the time and attention to give me a better experience as a first grader.  She helped me to become an ongoing learner.  And she taught me the wisdom of separating behavior from the person.  I did not inappropriately laugh in her class. I no longer felt uncomfortable.  I could laugh with ease when something was genuinely funny.  

It’s been a very long time since I was in Mrs. Schlosberg’s class.  Since then so many have inspired me, from those I’ve never met like Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle and Michelle Obama to those who have personally touched my life.  We may never know how we impact another person.  Though well-known people have a larger platform, each of us have made a difference to someone. This is why kindness is so important.  It grows exponentially, possibly making an impact even sixty years later.    

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Think of the unsung heroes of your life.  Take a moment to silently thank them for the ways they’ve touched your life.  
  • If you have Apple TV, check out Dear….  If you don’t, maybe you can find a documentary or a TED talk with an inspiring person.  
  • Provide a simple act of kindness.  You just might make someone’s day.