Category Archives: Friendship

Not Boring, Week Ten in the No Longer New Abnormal

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As a psychotherapist I’ve noticed that so many people in and out of my office will say, “I know this is boring, but…”  Traditionally therapists don’t respond, we only listen.  I’m more interactive, so I respond to the statement that they think what they have to say is boring.  I’m curious.  I don’t find what they tell me boring. But I want to know how they see it themselves.  The subject matter is secondary to their perceptions and experiences of living their lives.  I am fascinated by that.  Luckily my profession affords me to privilege of hearing their insights and opinions regarding their lives.  

I can relate to the idea that what I have to say is boring.  In fact, week after week in writing this blog I tend to stress over what I’m writing, then subsequently judging myself and my writing.  I still write the piece figuring it may be boring for some and that’s the fate of putting something out there.  It is perhaps even more true now that I am getting ready to publish my first book, In the Time of Coronavirus, Looking at the Past for a Joyous Future.  It is a compilation of blog posts from the pandemic.  

I’ve always wanted to write a book.  And when a book I was working on about courage hit a wall, I decided to pivot and publish this book at the prodding of others.  I will return to the courage book, as finishing it will be an act of courage in its own right.  

In the meantime, I’m working on all the backroom details that have to get done to sell a book.  I don’t like it.  And, yes, I find it either stressful or boring, but necessary, nonetheless.  So, I take walks, go to the theater, work, and enjoy small moments of grace to insert joy throughout the process.  And when I’m stressed, I find solace in all that is boring.  Boring is a gift.  I used to think all things boring was a problem when I was younger.  No more.  In both my personal and professional lives, boring is anything but.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Enjoy a gratitude practice for anything you perceive as boring.  Be grateful that life is providing a break from the hard stuff. 
  • If you find something boring, tighten your focus and see if you can identify the small changes that take place.  When driving it could be the music you’re listening to or the changes in the clouds.  Focus on anything that shifts boredom to interest. 
  • Rather than simply listening to, reading or watching those who have the same opinions and world views, listen, watch or observe with curiosity something or someone who sees things differently.  Make sure to see if you can learn something rather than dismissing it right away.  

Salad Days, Week Nine in the No Longer New Abnormal

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“Salad can get a bad rap. People think of bland and watery iceberg lettuce, but in fact, salads are an art form.” – Marcus Samuelsson

I made miso dressing this past week. It turned out well.  I tweaked the recipe so that it had a slight sweetness to balance the umami tones.  Before that it was buttermilk dressing.  Growing up we had a fresh salad every night.  And my mother was a stickler for homemade dressing.  She favored vinaigrettes when I got older, but before that we enjoyed homemade Russian dressing, Thousand Island Dressing, Italian, and Roquefort.    There was a distinct difference between her dressings and the bottled versions of Wishbone and Kraft.  

The same was true of baked goods.  Though my mother was a health advocate, adding up to ten vegetables in our salads, when guests were visiting or a birthday was upon us, she baked from scratch.  I could tell immediately when a boxed mix was served because, once again, there was a noticeable discrepancy between completely homemade and Betty Crocker.  Because our mother also taught us manners, though I was disappointed when bottled salad dressing or boxed cake was served, I simply say, “Thank you,” rather than explain the virtues of flavor from the real thing.  

In short, my mother created a food snob.  Now, making my own salad dressing, unless I’m simply having olive oil and vinegar, is a fact of life.  I like having two on hand depending on my mood that day.  And, though, like my mom, I throw in a lot of ingredients in my salad, I’ve tweaked my preferences, opting for cooked mushrooms over raw, and possibly finely-chopped, leftover roasted vegetables instead of all crunchy toppers.  I Like my mother I also add fruit to my salads.  Recently it’s been figs.  Though in the winter, clementines are a favorite.  I am so grateful to my mom that she taught me to enjoy the creative process of good salad making, and the pure enjoyment of a delicious salad dressed with homemade ingredients.   

  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Get creative with your salads.  In the winter see if you can add heartier ingredients like grains or winter squash.  And, if you can, create a simple homemade dressing, giving yourself a special treat.  
  • Try a balancing exercise.  It’s great to practice balance.  Even if you lift up a foot and stand on one leg, then the other, for a few seconds, it will help your brain as well as your balance.  
  • Simply say thank you if someone shares something with you, even if you don’t particularly like it.  It’s kinder than sharing your disapproval.  

Parts of Ourselves, Week Seven in the No Longer New Abnormal

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“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent” Victor Hugo

Yesterday I was in sweats, my hair, stiff, frizzy, and dry while getting paperwork done in-between laundry loads.  Nothing glamorous about the day.  I was comfortable and perhaps a bit tired from a late night.  The late night was very unexpected.  I had a subscription to the New York Pops at Carnegie Hall.  It has turned out to be a marvelous series.  On Friday night I, along with a sold-out house, thoroughly enjoyed an evening of Gershwin music featuring the vocalist, Montego Glover and the pianist, Lee Musiker.  

I sat enthralled when Lee Musiker played the piano for a Rhapsody in Blue, newly interpreted for this performance.  Our seats gave us a perfect view of his hands dancing on the keyboard as he reinterpreted this classis piece.  It was magical.  I had seen him play before, and have always been impressed, but this was something beyond that.  

Much to my surprise a friend of a friend invited us backstage and then to a reception following the concert. Maestro Musiker’s sister had flown up from Florida to hear her brother perform, and I had just met her briefly at Carnegie Hall.   Everyone backstage and at the reception was warm and friendly. They were music lover after all.  

The two days, Friday and Saturday couldn’t have been more opposite.  On the one hand, on Friday night I was in the company of the best of the best in music, Steven Reineke, a charismatic and highly talented conductor, Montego Glover, a renowned vocalist, and the Grammy & Emmy  award winning pianist, Lee Musiker, who was beyond gracious.  Being an audience member of the exceptional concert was extraordinary.  Then to see the artists up close and in-person was incomparable.  

In contrast to Friday night, I woke up exhausted but content on Saturday.  I knew I had a lot on my plate for the weekend and I set out to do the chores that I neither welcomed nor relished but had to get done.  So, without fanfare, I dutifully took care of my chores while in my sweats basking in the memory of the previous evening.

Self-Care Tips:

  • When you’re faced with unwanted tasks, think of something you’re looking forward to that will get you through.  Or think of something you have previously enjoyed.  It makes the chore more tolerable.  
  • There are great recordings and videos of Gershwin classics online.  Give yourself a treat and listen to the music of an American Master.  Try:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH2PH0auTUU
  • Enjoy the Puppy Bowl 2024 today on Animal Planet or Discovery.  

A Terrific Show, Week Six in the No Longer New Abnormal

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“Don’t wait for people to tell you who you are.  Show them. “ 

Laura Benanti

I just came home from seeing Audible Theater’s production of Nobody Cares, written and performed by Laura Benanti.  She is a singular talent.  Before the show there were a bevy of celebrities in the audience including Patti Lupone, Sarah Bareiles, and Larry Owens.  They came to enjoy an evening featuring their colleague and friend.  

I laughed aloud when I wasn’t deeply moved by Laura Benanti’s honesty and vulnerability.  She mentions her therapist in the show, and I was honestly jealous that I’m not her therapist.  Although, perhaps, in that case, I wouldn’t have been at the theater for what turned out to be a delightful experience.  

There are only three performances before it’s mastered for Audible.  You can hear it as an Audible production.  And, though I enjoyed the visuals of the show, I will absolutely purchase the Audible version. No doubt I’ll get looks when I’m laughing aloud listening to the recorded version on one of my walks.  

While I was downtown there were long lines to get into the comedy club around the corner from the theater. The restaurants were packed, and the streets were full of visitors experiencing the Greenwich Village lifestyle, if only for a night.  

The city offers so much, and for tonight it was the incomparable Laura Benanti.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Go for a walk while the sun is out.  The days have been gloomy and it’s impacted our moods.  Take in all the vitamin D you can and notice the difference.  
  • Laugh.  Whether you look at New Yorker cartoons, watch silly videos, or turn on an old sitcom, there is nothing like laughter to break up the stress.  
  • Enjoy soup in this cold weather.  Make your own or buy one you like.  Warm soup can be so comforting. 

Today’s Quote

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Life is hard, you know, and laughter is how we come to terms with all the ironies and cruelties and uncertainties that we face. 

Desmond Tutu

Today’s Quote

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To be careful with people and with words was a rare and
beautiful thing.
Benjamin Alire Sáenz

USPS, Week Five in the No Longer New Abnormal

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“To write is human, to receive a letter: Divine!”
― Susan Lendroth

Yesterday evening I dropped a card off at the midtown east post office.  I was late in sending it and the post office was close to my plans for the evening.  For years I’ve passed by the public sculpture out front.  But I didn’t expect sculptures inside the post office.  It was a nice surprise.  

I love when life throws a curve ball and I’m there to catch it.  It’s a rare occasion. Yet every so often, like last night, I was able to enjoy some unexpected art.  I shouldn’t have been surprised.  The artwork of the stamps have become more beautiful as time has passed.  Long gone are the days of blue rolls of five cent George Washington portraits.  

I recently purchased a sheet of RGB stamps.  But that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  My current favorites are the 2024 love stamp, the waterfalls, the deco style railroad stations stamps, the most recent Hanukkah stamp, marine sanctuary stamps, and women’s rowing team stamps.  The designs are easy inspiration to send cards through the mail.  There’s nothing like getting a handwritten note among the bills and junk mail.  Snail mail may be old school, but sometimes something old school brings new surprises. 

Self-Care Tips:

  • Look for art in unexpected places.  Whether you’re in a post-office, a park, a mall, or simply walking around, enjoy it where you can.  
  • Go to USPS.com and purchase stamps that you like.  It will make sending mail more fun.
  • Send a card to a friend or family member.  They will appreciate it.  

In Vogue, Week Three of the No Longer New Abnormal

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“True empowerment comes from knowing and embracing your own worth.”

Beverly Johnson

I just saw the new one woman show, In Vogue, in which Beverly Johnson shares her life’s story with a backdrop of photos of her, the culture, and other iconic people, movements, and moments in history.  

I received a flyer in the mail and knew I wanted to see her.  My mother was an avid magazine reader.  As a young school-aged girl, I couldn’t wait for the monthly McCall’s issue so that I could play with the Betsy McCall paper dolls.  In my teen years I waited rather impatiently for my mother to finish her Glamour and Vogue issues, so I could enjoy them second-hand, always pleased to see the beautiful Beverly Johnson on their covers.  So when I heard she’d be in her own show I jumped at the chance of seeing her live and hearing more about her.  

In an intimate off-Broadway theater seated on stage with black pumps, black designer framed glasses, and a beautifully tailored suit, Beverly Johnson sits regally on a director’s chair to the side of a large screen.  I won’t tell you too much about the show, but I will say it begins honoring the many black women who were firsts. 

Though she faced so many challenges there was not even a whiff of victimhood.  She is proud of all she’s accomplished, and as audience members, we felt proud for her, too. 

Not all trailblazers are famous.  So many are the first in their family to go to college.  Or the first person in their community to travel outside their zip code.  Maybe you were first to pursue a dream, or to do something different from those around you.  It’s so easy these days to get upset by loud and mean voices.  It behooves us to purposely seek out inspiration from those who make a positive difference in the world around us.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Read a biography or memoir.  Or watch a documentary of a vanguard and allow yourself to be inspired by the gumption it takes in setting a precedent.  
  • Try something different.  If you always eat the same salad dressing, try making your own with a new recipe or ingredient.  You can always go back, but trying something new can open us up in unknown ways.  
  • Find the courage to speak up when you someone is hurtful to you or others.  

I Like Quotes, Week One of The No-Longer-New-Abnormal

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“Just do what works for you, because there will always be someone who thinks differently.”  Michelle Obama

I love quotes.  When I first started my psychotherapy private practice in the mid-90s before there were iPhones and Facebook, I had an answering machine, and the recording included quotes on there.  I changed them monthly or so, and it felt nice.  But I was a new therapist and I wanted to do things right.  It felt right to me.  Nonetheless, I was told by a senior therapist, one who I respected, that I might want to rethink having something so personal on my outgoing message.  The common practice was to be as neutral as possible. Her thinking was that a chosen quote could possibly be sharing unnecessary private information about me or, it might be misconceived.  

I regretfully took it off my machine.  I wanted to do the right thing, and as someone new to the field I thought a more seasoned therapist would know better.  Over the subsequent years I have come to believe that I can share quotes should I choose.  If a potential client feels uncomfortable with that, or they are not fond of the quote, then they are given important information and can move on to find the right therapist for them.  And those who align with whatever quote I post, may feel good about sharing in that philosophy.  Whatever the case, I have the freedom to express myself as long as I am also responsible for managing whatever consequences my actions may have.  

That therapist was trying to help.  I don’t think she was judgmental or bossy.  This is how she learned to practice and was simply passing on specific expertise.  I was too insecure to do what felt right for me, so I ignored my desire for self-expression is the service of doing what was deemed professional.  Now I understand that professionalism comes in many forms.  My office, described as shabby chic by one client, will not feel welcoming to someone who prefers a more neutral setting.  I wanted a homey feel.  It does impart information about me, whether in the artwork on the walls or from the books on my bookshelves.  And so be it. For me this is a welcoming space, but not for everyone.  

It’s taken me years to feel good walking in my own shoes.  They are not the worn tennis Tretorns my mother passed down to me in my teens and early adulthood.  Nor are they the stiff leather oxfords my dad brought home for me in my childhood and preteen years when they didn’t sell at his store.  They are shoes I’ve chosen on my own, colorful, wide, and comfortable.  I walk in them like the New Yorker I am, at a clipped pace walking around those who might slow me down.  

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” Dr Seuss

Self-Care Tips:

  • Find a quote or quotes you like and keep it (or them) in a place you can come back to.  It will remind you to smile or be inspired, or both.  
  • Identify ways in which you express yourself that feel good to you.  Also identify those who appreciate you for who you are.  Make a point to be in touch with them so you can enjoy the ease of feeling the freedom to simply be.  If you feel misunderstood, look for those who might potentially share in your style of self-expression so you can live fully as yourself.  
  • Learn from your mistakes.  Sometimes we have to go left to see clearly we have to make a U-turn so that we belatedly go right.  

Encouraging Compassion, The Fifty-Second Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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We are at the end of 2023 and yet life goes on with all its difficulties, complications, wonders, and joy.  As we change the calendar year perhaps there is a better way to move forward.  We traditionally make resolutions.  Maybe we call them something else, but so many of us want to better our lives and a new year can feel like a blank slate.  

I am all for making changes.  I’m hopeful to be kinder and more compassionate with myself.  This is a hope I’m carrying from this past year, day to day, and moment by moment.  I find hope is not enough, though.  It takes a daily practice of bringing compassion especially in times of struggle.  To that end, I am relying on my experience that a daily practice of compassion or kindheartedness can change our lives in unexpected ways.  Our hearts open up.  We can listen from a place of curiosity rather than assumptions.  We can better tolerate discomfort as we work to ease our pain.  And we experience possibility rather than imposing past negative beliefs.

If we look back, we can all see that when we were encouraged, we blossomed.  In college, Dr. Jones was a tough grader, but she was so uplifting, believing in her students’ ability to think for themselves.  I wanted to do well in her class and did the hard work required. Conversely, in my creative writing class with a published author, I felt defeated as she had a very specific idea of good and bad.  As an insecure 18-year-old, I quit before I even got started based on her condemnation.  What was always a pleasure as a young teen turned into a shame-based exercise in her class. Two English professors with the same student and very different results.  

As we set off into early 2024 let’s do what we can to encourage ourselves and others.  If we find we’re having negative thoughts or words, perhaps we can see that we’re feeling stuck, and we can try again.  There is always an opportunity for compassion.  Whatever the year, compassion never goes out of style. 

Self-Care Tips: 

  • Create a transitional ritual for those times when you’re going from one part of your day to another.  For instance, during your commute to the office you can listen to an inspirational piece of music.  And, before returning home you could possibly take a short walk around the block.  This way when you start a new part of your day there is space between where you’d been and where you’re going.  It’s like a refresh.  
  • Create a “Done” list.  When we have to-do lists we can get overwhelmed.  With a “Done” list we can feel a sense of accomplishment.
  • Create a self-care list so that is available when things get stressful and you don’t have the mental resources to think what can soothe you, you can reference your list and choose something that will help.