Category Archives: Loss

Facing Obstacles, Week Thirty-One in the No Longer New Abnornal

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This morning things did not go as planned.  I could not find my luggage scale for a vacation organized for next week.  It wasn’t in the usual places, so I did a deeper dive with no luck.  Next, I attempted to send emails, and had to restart my computer.  I wasn’t able to find my to-do list I wrote in the wee hours last night so I could check off tasks one at a time.  It showed up, but it meant I got a later start.  Of course, there are some days like this.  I’ll do what I can today and let go of the rest.  What I do know is that I plan to see women’s gymnastics trials on TV tonight.  I’m looking forward to it.  

I’m not sure what Olympians do when things don’t work out well at any given time. Of course, there’s no comparison between a quotidian day as opposed to training and performing in competitive sports as an elite athlete.  But it is certain that whatever they go through they transcend limitations to perform their best when required.  That is only part of what is so inspiring about watching the best of the best.  I was moved to see the boats down the Seine with each country’s athletic representatives.  It took so much for them to make it to this moment.  And, they all deserve our respect for their commitment to excellence.  That was only topped off when Celine Dion, who has had so many hard days while tackling stiff person syndrome, sang with power and poise. 

Watching the Olympics reminds me of the human capacity to obtain our dreams if we work hard and keep our eye on our goals, always remembering why we want to reach our aspirations.  So, when we face obstacles small and large, we can process them on our way to our main objectives.  Whether that’s producing a blog post, or most importantly these weeks, competing for a place on the podium wearing a metal, let us learn and grow so we can prevail.  

 Self-Care Tips:

  • When we face obstacles, take a moment to see if that means going in another direction, pausing before starting up again, or powering through.  There is not one way to handle challenges.  But we can all benefit from having patience and being kind while assessing the choices.  
  • Be awed and inspired by watching the Olympics.  
  • Find a sport you usually don’t watch just to see how other athletes perform.  

Emotional Moments, Week Thirty in the No Longer New Abnormal

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It’s a beautiful morning today.  There is a light breeze, the sun is out but not scorching, and the sky is clear.  The temperature dropped so it feels simply delightful.  I left my apartment before 7:30 am so that I could get in a destination walk to and from Trader Joe’s to pick up a few groceries for the week.  My plan was to be in and out before the Saturday rush.  I was walking on the east side of the street, which is less sunny, thus cooler, in the mornings.  When I approached 68th Street I was in back of someone else with a cart who had a similar plan at Trader Joe’s.  She kept trying to get around a woman with her dog whose leash straddled the entire sidewalk.  When I got close enough I said, “Excuse me, we want to pass you and your dog.”  She didn’t move.  I was less polite in my next attempt.  “You’re taking up the whole sidewalk, can you move so we can pass?” “Fuck you” she said as she barely made room for us.  As I made my way around her dog, I said “You don’t have to take the entire sidewalk.”  My tone sounded as annoyed as I felt.  Even though I had been happy to be out and about on a glorious day, I quickly turned into a grouch.  Again, she repeated, “Fuck You!” This time louder so there would be no mistaking her ire.  I didn’t look back, and I’m not proud to say that I then gave her the finger with my back to her.  Only in retrospect could I think clearly and realize she’s not having a good morning.  Did I need to add to that?  

I can easily get annoyed with others.  Earlier this week I had to hold my tongue more than once when I witnessed disregard for others, rudeness and disrespect.  What I know from my work and friendships is that there is a lot of personal struggles going on now.  I have to remember that each time I’m apt to criticize.  Whether people are struggling financially, interpersonally or with the current political landscape, things are not easy.  I notice my nervous system is on overdrive.  Some days I want to nap more.  Other times I want to yell. Though I didn’t yell this morning, I wasn’t pleasant either.   I am taking my own emotional temperature, then applying whatever self-care tips I can to find peace wherever and whenever I can.  Yes, it’s challenging.  But it’s essential.  Too many people are wound too tightly.  

So, for this week, less writing, more sleep, and more ease.  Simplicity during this societal quagmire is what’s on tap.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Give anonymously.  
  • Enjoy gentle movement.  Whether it’s dancing slowly or taking a stroll, gentle movement is calming. 
  • Chew slowly.  Enjoy every bite.  

An Anniversary, Week Twenty-Seven in the No Longer New Abnormal

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It’s something of an irony that my and my husband’s 27th wedding anniversary is on the 27th week of this year.  I like coincidences like that.  When the stars align, I feel good all over.  Twenty-Seven years is probably the longest commitment to anything I’ve done in my life.  I like variety, so in the past I could do something for a while and then I’d move on.  I took a very different tactic for our marriage.  While Larry is someone who likes routines and enjoys what he knows, I like to try new things, preferring to being adventurous rather than staying in place.  Though we were a bit older than our contemporaries when we got married, I was 38 to Larry’s 45, we had a lot to learn about relationships, particularly long-term relationships.  

Since our respective backgrounds varied a bit, we each brought a bit of balance.  I learned to enjoy the here and now more, while Larry learned to enjoy exploring.  I expanded my love of rock & roll, bluegrass and country music.  And Larry learned to enjoy solo performers and some Broadway & off-Broadway musicals.  I learned to appreciate food on the road, while Larry eats more salads now.  The list goes on, but you get the point.  There’s give and take.  

And, because life isn’t fair, we’ve had our share of hardships.  We’ve weathered storms we weren’t sure we’d get through.  And, we’ve experienced unexpected joy, which has encouraged us to keep going.  So here we are in the 27th week of 2024, celebrating 27 years of marriage, and all that goes with it.  I’m proud of our stick-to-itedness.  It hasn’t always been easy, but it has been rewarding.  And for that I am eternally grateful.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When we are spending time with someone who is very different than us, be curious.  See if their interests can help us to grow in any way.  
  • Celebrate pride.  Or, as an ally of LGBTQ+, show  support for all those who haven’t always had a chance to live openly proud.  
  • Hum.  Humming can be a mood lifter.  

The Half-Way Mark, Week Twenty-Six in the No Longer New Abnormal

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We are officially halfway through 2024.  It’s a great time to reevaluate then manage any expectations we’ve had for this year.  This is the year I’ve had my first, and perhaps my last, book published.  It feels good to have accomplished that.  I am now in the weeds attempting to promote the book while working full-time.  Promotions do not come naturally for me so it feels like I’m rolling a big bolder uphill uncertain if like Icarus is will roll down again.   But I’m challenging myself to do what I can and then challenging myself yet again let go of the results.  When I measure my self-worth by the results I produce I may experience a fleeting high, but in the end I try my best to be proud of going beyond my limits no matter how things turn out.  

These days doing TikTok and Instagram videos with self-care tips is way beyond my comfort zone.  Every day I tell myself that I can quit and enjoy some quiet time.  I think I’ll keep going for now taking my quiet time in August like most traditional psychotherapists.  I started the year with other goals as well.  One was to give away more stuff than I brought in.  I have been giving stuff away, but I am not great at letting go of things I like.  I was also going to stretch more and do more yoga.  I keep my yoga mat out in my home office.  Many days it’s aspirational.  But the mornings I include it in my routine I feel good.  Not so much for checking it off my list, but for giving myself a little something extra to get through my day.  I will take the wins where I can.  

I hope this half-way mark of this year allows you to reflect on your accomplishments and take it easy on yourself for the ongoing hopes and aspirations you may have.  There’s a time to push ourselves, and a time to be gentle.  My experience has been when I’m pushing too hard it’s time for some gentle kindness.  But really, when is it ever not a time for kindness for ourselves?  No time I can think of.  

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Reassess what is possible and probable this year and find a way to accept this new information.
  • Look for free opportunities in your area.  In NYC we have galleries, traveling Shakespeare, concerts and so much more.  You may enjoy a local sports event, a history walk or whatever is offered locally.
  • Clean out your medicine cabinet.  There’s bound to be expired products and cosmetics, soaps or other items you no longer use.  

It’s Hard Being Hard on Myself, Week Twenty in the No Longer New Abnormal

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In thinking about what to write this week I wondered if I should write about Mother’s Day.  But I decided that rather than writing more on the day that brings up so much for so many, I’ll limit my input by briefly folding it into the self-care tips, Then there have been amazing pictures online of the rare Aurelia Borealis.  Though I didn’t witness it myself, those who captured the colorful wonder have posted images that defy words.  What I’ve settled on is to say that when I reread my book a couple of months ago, In the Time of Coronavirus, for the last look before submitting it for publication, I became very uset.  I thought, “Who do I think I am?’ and “what could I have been thinking?” and, “This is bad. I’m so embarrassed!”  I have a long history of berating myself.  At that moment I questioned my writing, and my hubris for thinking I could put a book out into the world.  

I very down on myself.  But I had gotten so far and I decided to give the final go-ahead, knowing I’d have to with all my feelings.  It had been a dream of mine to be an author, and it was okay if this was my first, if flawed, book.  I had learned a lot and I still have a lot to learn, so this would be a dream come true, even if there were things that upset me.  

Once it was in pre-publication, the publishing date is June 4th, a few early reviews came in.  They were very positive.  The reviewers didn’t know me, nor did they have any incentive to write nice things about the book.  Once I read a couple, I realized how hard I had been on myself, and, in turn, the book.  Maybe I was simply wrong.  Or I had unreasonable expectations.  Not a rare trait.  Just ask my family.  I am grateful that others have been able to appreciate what I couldn’t.  Though I know it’s probable that there will be mixed reviews, depending on the reader, it’s nice to know it will find its audience, and that is just fine.  

Here are a few quotes from the reviews:  

From Kirkus:

 “Zinn writes in an unadorned style that feels both accessible and intimate. She discusses her subjects with gentle authority while making no claims to having all the answers.”

And:

“A pandemic remembrance that succeeds as both memoir and self-help guide.”

From the Book Commentary:  

“In her poignant collection of reflections and self-care strategies, In the Time of Coronavirus, Janet Zinn examines the tumultuous landscape of the pandemic with grace and wisdom.”

And:

“This book might be about coping with the COVID-19 pandemic, but its wisdom is timeless, a message to accompany and inspire readers through any difficult moment.” 

From The Feathered Quill:  

“With its intimacy centering on Zinn’s experiences and its universality deftly depicted to reach the hearts and minds of others, her book is sure to fulfill the purpose she envisioned.”

And: 

“ Janet Zinn’s self-help manual, In the Time of Coronavirus, offers an empathic, week-by-week view of the effects of coronavirus restrictions that will be read and appreciated by anyone seeking to solve a large variety of life’s problems.”

Though I was harsh with no clear perspective, I am open to the fact that my opinion in that dark place was purely subjective.  I’m hopeful that other readers will find In the Time of Coronavirus useful and supportive when life’s difficulties emerge.  In the end, my first book served its author when I was being too tough on myself.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Do what you can to reparent yourself.  If your mother or caregiver was kind and accepting, you can replicate that care towards yourself.  If your primary caregiver or parent was not someone who matched your needs, then find a way to be compassionate towards yourself for what you didn’t receive but can now give to yourself.  
  • Another way to reparent yourself is to notice when you are being critical of yourself and ask “what can I do to be more accepting of what I’m going through?” And, “can I give myself something that might support me through this?”
  • Gift yourself a future copy of  In the Time of Coronavirus.   You can go to https://janetzinn.com or go to Amazon, Barnes and Noble, request it from your local library, or from an independent bookstore or book seller. 

Letting Go, Week Eighteen in the No Longer New Abnormal

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When I was younger and I upset someone, I would replay the incident over and over again.  I found it intolerable that someone would be upset or angry with me.  It felt devastating.  I would apologize again and again, becoming a nuisance.   Sometimes people would be more upset with my groveling than they were with the original upset.  I couldn’t get it out of my mind.  It felt like anything I did that hurt others was unforgivable.  There was no fun to be had.  

As a new age devotee in my late teens to early thirties I had embraced the idea of letting things go.  But I didn’t know how to do that.  I couldn’t let discriminatory situations go.  I was beyond upset when I was judged unfairly.  And, as explained, I couldn’t let things go when someone was upset with me.  

In this time of polarization, and post-pandemic frustrations, we are seeing more and more people hold onto ideology that is not being played out on the world stage.  It’s easy to look at the dismay and think that they should just let go of their fury.    But that is easier said than done.  

How many times have we been told, “Just let it go?”  I think that usually tells us more about the person who is advocating for letting it go.  I have found that letting go is a process.  It is not something you can simply do at a moment’s notice.  Though that seems to be the desire of others.  We have not expanded our tolerance for differences, so it can play out that others tell us to let go so they can feel more comfortable.  

Let us have patience with ourselves and others.  Let’s work on soothing ourselves when we’re uncomfortable.  That can be essential in the letting go process.  When we aren’t fighting how we feel or how others feel, there is more space to let go.  Or, even better, there’s more acceptance of what is.  These are hard times.  Let’s see what we can gain from the discomfort rather than continually trying to shut ourselves and others down.  

Though I have no definitive answers, I do believe that self-compassion, compassion for others, as well as patience and kindness can be revolutionary acts in times of intolerance.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When you are working on letting something go, ask yourself,  “What am I experiencing?”  Then see if you can care for yourself as you go through it.
  • When you are upset with someone else’s stance, ask yourself, “What am I feeling in response to their stance?”  Then see what you need to care for yourself while not disparaging them.  
  • Do one small thing you’ve been putting off.  Today I mended a torn glove.  It’s not quite as good as new, but it’s done, and I can let it go.  

I Don’t Wanna! Week Fifteen in the No Longer new Abnormal

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“Almost everything will work if you unplug it for a few minutes….including you.”  -Anne Lamott-”  

There are some days that I just don’t want to do anything.  And if I have to do something it can feel particularly labored.  I woke up this morning with a strong case of I don’t wanna.  I was still tired, though I received eight hours of sleep.  I was achy even though I’m stretching more given the needs of being in my mid-60s.  I was able to get away last weekend, though it now feels like it was weeks ago.  

The issue for me is that there is a lot to get done.  The challenge is to break it down into what has to get done today as opposed to what I can do another time.     When I feel like this I try to listen.  I assume it means I need a break.  And to get that break, I am choosing to do less today.  

With that in mind, I will share more pictures taken earlier this week, and I will write less now.  

Self-Care Tips:  

  • When you have the belabored feeling that “it’s all too much,” see if you can take a short break.  When we’re feeling overwhelmed, a break can feel counterintuitive, but in actuality it can allow you to move forward with a new willingness.
  • Don’t underestimate the power of small steps forward.  Our minds often think in “all or nothing” ways rather than taking little actions that can create lasting changes.  
  • Enjoy the solar eclipse with safe eyewear wherever you are in its path.  

Chasing Cherry Blossoms, Week Fourteen in the No Longer New Abnormal

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I made a trip to DC this weekend.  I was going to visit family, see a musical, get to the National Portrait Gallery and enjoy the cherry blossoms.  I was able to enjoy time with my family and see a most wonderful show at Arena Stage Theater.  Bu it turns out the Cherry Blossoms were premature this year due to the warmer winter months.  I thought I was early enough but that was not the case.  I saw trees with waning petals, the best in Takoma Park, MD.  But the city failed to provide me with the simple joy of full flowered trees wherever I went.  

My first sighting was while on a speeding train due south.  It looked promising on the bank of a river.  Once in the city limits, I got to my hotel room and ran out to ensure the best viewing possible.  Instead, they mostly alluded me.  I was able to spot a few here and there.  I walked the length of the mall to see what I could find.  There was one cropping which was filled with a crowd, mostly posing under and close to the trees.  Apparently a lot of people were visiting the capitol for the love of cherry blossoms.  

Though the cherry blossoms were disappointing for the most part, it turned into a game and each time I saw a flowering tree I got excited.  A made-up game, similar to those I played as a child.  The real thrill was seeing my in-laws who I haven’t seen in years.  They had changed and at the same time were very much the same in a comforting way that comes from familiarity.  Their garden is the product of love.  Their home, filled with beautiful artwork, was good to see again after too much time had passed.  Then, last evening was a true gift.  The Unknown Soldier, a stunning musical with beautifully woven threads composed by Michael Friedman, is a rich, nuanced show with an outstanding cast.  Though I didn’t see it when it premiered in New York City at Playwright’s Horizon, it was wonderful to enjoy in in DC.  

Outside the theater as light raindrops suddenly and unexpectedly arrived, an errant cherry blossom landed in my hair.  My weekend was complete.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Create a game for yourself this Spring of finding and naming flowers as you go about your activities.  
  • When you have an unfulfilled expectation, try to balance disappointment with discovery of hidden gifts.  It’s important you don’t deny your feelings.  But equally important that your disappointment doesn’t obscure something agreeable.  
  • If you’ve been meaning to call, write or visit someone, reach out.  We more often regret what we haven’t done rather than the actions we take.  

Quiet Please, Week Thirteen in the No Longer New Abnormal

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It was a quiet day.  Not the reading a book while sipping tea on a rainy-day type of quiet. It was quiet because I wasn’t plugged into a device.  The TV was not on.  The quiet came from not connecting my phone to my earbuds to listen to a book, a podcast or music.  It’s even quiet now as I’m writing this.  Lucy, who is asleep next to me isn’t even snoring.  She must be enjoying the quiet, too.  

It’s rare that I’m not listening or talking when walking.  While walking in the rain there were few  pedestrians, keeping the sound low even on city streets.  Since my days are full of sounds, both cacophonous and melodic, I took note when I realized I had not continued listening to my book. Currently it’s the bold, beautiful Lessons for Survival, written and read by Emily Raboteau.  She cares so deeply about our planet and our neglected populations, and her passion is contagious.  Nor had I chosen between the two albums I’ve been enjoying, Natalie Douglas’s new “Back to the Garden,” as well as Rhiannon Giddens most recent “You’re the One.”  I went to both concerts and listening to their most recent music with their gorgeous voices has been joyful.  

Nonetheless, it was not the day for that.  I think I needed the quiet.  There was a peacefulness in the quiet.  A rare experience of peace with so much going on in the world that is anything but peaceful.  In the city, as vibrant as it is, would rarely be describe as peaceful or quiet.  I think that is what made it so special. Sometimes an unplanned divergence from our routines can be a very special gift.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Switch up your routine.  You may find reading or viewing something different teaches you something you didn’t know about yourself or others.  
  • If you prefer the quiet, listen to music to open up new neuropathways.  If you are usually listening to something or have the TV on in the background, turn them off to experience something different.  Notice what you feel in the quiet.  
  • Get to know the music of Rhiannon Giddens.  It’s so varied.  Or listen to the award-winning Natalie Douglas.  Her voice is golden.  Both have a range of styles.  

Take Care, Week Twelve in the No Longer New Abnormal

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This past week I heard of the death of two people from my past.  I heard from three people presently who are ill, and we are all hearing about too many in our world who are in pain, who are suffering, or who have experienced significant losses.  Life is precious.  

I had a very full week.  I laughed, I cried, I stayed in to rest and reflect, I went out to celebrate.  I enjoyed wonderful music, good art, delicious food, and good friends, all while missing others who I didn’t get to see, and the few I’ll never see again. There is no right way to live in the presence of sorrow, whether personal or global.  We all must find our own way.  Yet, we can bring care and respect while navigating our challenges.  

I choose to live fully.  I tend to rest only after I have nothing left.  Others do better to dig into less energetic pursuits.  Let’s remember that we are all doing our best.  When I can, I try to take into account that there is no ill intent on the part of others.  They, too, are weighed down by life’s difficulties.  When possible, I try to have grace for others.  Though when I don’t then I try to have some grace for myself.  My hope is that we will do our best to bring care to each moment and to all we encounter.  When life is tough, when the world is hard, care can be a revolutionary act.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Give yourself grace when you’re not your best.  It’s not a pass to behave poorly, but a way of proving kindness to yourself as you learn and grow. 
  • If something doesn’t turn out the way you want, see if you can find a takeaway.  Did you learn something?  Was there an unexpected gift in it?  If so, take that in.  It may not make up for what happened, but you can still gain something from something that didn’t go as planned.  
  • Put on some music and sing along with your favorite music.  Get the lyrics online to make it easier.  It’s a stress buster to do a sing-along.