“Almost everything will work if you unplug it for a few minutes….including you.” -Anne Lamott-”
There are some days that I just don’t want to do anything. And if I have to do something it can feel particularly labored. I woke up this morning with a strong case of I don’t wanna. I was still tired, though I received eight hours of sleep. I was achy even though I’m stretching more given the needs of being in my mid-60s. I was able to get away last weekend, though it now feels like it was weeks ago.
The issue for me is that there is a lot to get done. The challenge is to break it down into what has to get done today as opposed to what I can do another time. When I feel like this I try to listen. I assume it means I need a break. And to get that break, I am choosing to do less today.
With that in mind, I will share more pictures taken earlier this week, and I will write less now.
Self-Care Tips:
When you have the belabored feeling that “it’s all too much,” see if you can take a short break. When we’re feeling overwhelmed, a break can feel counterintuitive, but in actuality it can allow you to move forward with a new willingness.
Don’t underestimate the power of small steps forward. Our minds often think in “all or nothing” ways rather than taking little actions that can create lasting changes.
Enjoy the solar eclipse with safe eyewear wherever you are in its path.
We can be shiny and perfect and admired, or we can be real and honest and vulnerable and loved. But we actually do have to choose. Glennon Doyle Melton
I listen to Glennon’s podcast, “We Can Do Hard Things.” On one of her podcasts she said that she used to worry that no one was listening to her. Her audiences were small, her readership small. But then she started seeing and hearing the few who were listening. She realized that each person was important, not the number itself. It was so meaningful to hear that. I have taken it to heart.
A couple of years ago I had an idea for a book on courage. I worked on it assiduously, but it needed more rewrites. I took a break. The first thing I was told while writing the first draft was to build a platform. I was told if publishing companies would take me on as an unknown author they needed a large following from me. I tried to expand my readership as a blogger. I put out a few failed TikTok videos. I posted to most social media platforms. I was pushing too hard and not sufficiently expanding at my slow pace.
I’m no salesperson. Being an “influencer” requires a certain amount of salesmanship. It’s a specific skill set that I lack. In high school I tried sales, but it cost me more in gas than I ever made in earnings. Now, even though I’m supposed to be building a platform, I, instead, am finding out more about my readers. You matter. I am so grateful for your likes, your comments, your writings, posts and shares. I truly believe individuality outweighs crowds.
I am no longer upset, as I was when I was younger, when a party was small. I sadly focused on those who didn’t come rather than the caring souls who attended. That was a function of insecurity. It took a long time for me to appreciate those who show up. I can deal with small numbers of likes. I can look at the list and appreciate each person who has generously given of his/her/their time and consideration. My self-worth, our self-worth, is not how many people we connect with, but the quality of any and all connections.
I don’t know how many books of my pandemic era blog posts I’ll sell. I went with a hybrid press, Atmosphere Press, so I didn’t have to fully rely on my lack of sales acumen. They’d like me to sell a lot books, but it’s not a dealbreaker. Instead, I can continue to value the individual over the many.
I thank you for reading this, for being a part of my life, albeit, online, yet meaningful, nonetheless. You have truly helped.
Self-Care Tips:
* When you find that things didn’t turn out the way you expected, see if you can find the small gem in the new circumstances. It may not compensate for what you had hoped for, but it can give you something you didn’t know you needed.
* Think small. We often get overtaken by big numbers, big experiences. When we can be in the moment, we feel alive in a very special way.
* We live in a time of feeling overwhelmed. We can mitigate that by acknowledging what we have accomplished rather than focusing on what we think we have to get done.
“Salad can get a bad rap. People think of bland and watery iceberg lettuce, but in fact, salads are an art form.” – Marcus Samuelsson
I made miso dressing this past week. It turned out well. I tweaked the recipe so that it had a slight sweetness to balance the umami tones. Before that it was buttermilk dressing. Growing up we had a fresh salad every night. And my mother was a stickler for homemade dressing. She favored vinaigrettes when I got older, but before that we enjoyed homemade Russian dressing, Thousand Island Dressing, Italian, and Roquefort. There was a distinct difference between her dressings and the bottled versions of Wishbone and Kraft.
The same was true of baked goods. Though my mother was a health advocate, adding up to ten vegetables in our salads, when guests were visiting or a birthday was upon us, she baked from scratch. I could tell immediately when a boxed mix was served because, once again, there was a noticeable discrepancy between completely homemade and Betty Crocker. Because our mother also taught us manners, though I was disappointed when bottled salad dressing or boxed cake was served, I simply say, “Thank you,” rather than explain the virtues of flavor from the real thing.
In short, my mother created a food snob. Now, making my own salad dressing, unless I’m simply having olive oil and vinegar, is a fact of life. I like having two on hand depending on my mood that day. And, though, like my mom, I throw in a lot of ingredients in my salad, I’ve tweaked my preferences, opting for cooked mushrooms over raw, and possibly finely-chopped, leftover roasted vegetables instead of all crunchy toppers. I Like my mother I also add fruit to my salads. Recently it’s been figs. Though in the winter, clementines are a favorite. I am so grateful to my mom that she taught me to enjoy the creative process of good salad making, and the pure enjoyment of a delicious salad dressed with homemade ingredients.
Self-Care Tips:
Get creative with your salads. In the winter see if you can add heartier ingredients like grains or winter squash. And, if you can, create a simple homemade dressing, giving yourself a special treat.
Try a balancing exercise. It’s great to practice balance. Even if you lift up a foot and stand on one leg, then the other, for a few seconds, it will help your brain as well as your balance.
Simply say thank you if someone shares something with you, even if you don’t particularly like it. It’s kinder than sharing your disapproval.
There’s nothing like a flower show in the middle of a cold winter to warm our souls. That was my thinking as I embarked on the member preview of the Orchid Show at the New York Botanical Garden in the Bronx. My plan was to get there early so I could get in and out and home for work. I walked in the chilly weather to the subway where I got on the number 5 subway to Bedford Avenue. However, it was the number 4 train that I needed, so I had to reroute, getting off at the Grand Concourse and then settling in for a 45-minute ride to the Garden via the Bx 19 bus. This was an hour detour in total, getting me to the Garden with the throngs of people who also wanted to enjoy the tropical flowers.
I made the decision to return via Metro North getting off at 42nd Street, but first I had to winnow my way through unwieldy Instagram photographers and flower gawkers. Even when I politely said excuse me, as I wanted to get away from the heavily-clothed crowd and make my train back to the city, I was greeted by annoying responses. They were irritated that I’d want to pass them, and had something to say to me.
There were a few narrow openings, and I made my way past the hot house , thus able to escape in time for my train back to the city. As gorgeous as the flowers are, I will return on an early weekday when there is less of a rush, and I can quietly enjoy the annual oasis.
There was a time I would have been so hard on myself for getting on the wrong train, dealing with the crowds, and generally making mistakes. I would have been judgmental of the cantankerous flower gawkers. I still have my moments, but I was not hard on myself. Nor was I angry with the unwanted commentary. I simply learned for the next time. And I enjoyed my bus ride, getting to see parts of the city I don’t normally see. Age, mediation, and therapy have all been helpful in being kinder to myself and more accepting of others. Though I spent less time with the flowers than I had planned, I received other unexpected gifts.
Self-Care Tips:
Bring a flower home or go out to see flowers where you can. Photos can also do the trick. As we get through the rest of this winter, flowers do brighten the darker days. Trader Joes has terrific prices on flowers. You can gift or get amaryllis bulbs in wax online. Like at Tulip World.
Do a kindness mediation. Sharon Salzberg has wonderful Loving Kindness mediations. 10% Happier also has a terrific selection of kindness meditations. Or find one online.
Attend to your feet. Sometimes a nice body or foot cream massaged into your feet can be a simple, caring act.
“To write is human, to receive a letter: Divine!” ― Susan Lendroth
Yesterday evening I dropped a card off at the midtown east post office. I was late in sending it and the post office was close to my plans for the evening. For years I’ve passed by the public sculpture out front. But I didn’t expect sculptures inside the post office. It was a nice surprise.
I love when life throws a curve ball and I’m there to catch it. It’s a rare occasion. Yet every so often, like last night, I was able to enjoy some unexpected art. I shouldn’t have been surprised. The artwork of the stamps have become more beautiful as time has passed. Long gone are the days of blue rolls of five cent George Washington portraits.
I recently purchased a sheet of RGB stamps. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. My current favorites are the 2024 love stamp, the waterfalls, the deco style railroad stations stamps, the most recent Hanukkah stamp, marine sanctuary stamps, and women’s rowing team stamps. The designs are easy inspiration to send cards through the mail. There’s nothing like getting a handwritten note among the bills and junk mail. Snail mail may be old school, but sometimes something old school brings new surprises.
Self-Care Tips:
Look for art in unexpected places. Whether you’re in a post-office, a park, a mall, or simply walking around, enjoy it where you can.
Go to USPS.com and purchase stamps that you like. It will make sending mail more fun.
Send a card to a friend or family member. They will appreciate it.
“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” ― Ellen DeGeneres
I spent yesterday procrastinating. I cooked, I baked, I looked things up online. What I didn’t do was tally my expenses for budgeting and taxes. I am not fond of bookkeeping. Nonetheless, I was able to sit down and focus after I did everything I could to avoid the inevitable. It wasn’t as bad as I anticipated. Nor was it as fun as taking the day off.
It’s funny that I can be disciplined in some ways and amazingly avoidant of other things. We are all studies in contrasts. Having procrastinated for many years, I now understand my need to do other things before facing the task at hand. It helps for me to include my procrastination time as part of the deal. If I think it can get done in two hours, I must plan for four.
It’s a kindness to include procrastination, in any form, when planning an unwanted chore. I am easier on myself if I’m not spending a lot of my mental energy on questioning myself for not being on task. It helps to incorporate the procrastination into the task, appreciating that I’m in the process of getting my bookkeeping done, or whatever completed, and this is what it looks like.
Self-Care Tips:
The next time you have a dreaded task give yourself enough time to procrastinate. You’ll feel lighter.
View the procrastination as getting more done rather than less. For example, yesterday I not only did the bookkeeping, but I also made meals for the week.
Even if it’s cold, try to get outside. The air can reinvigorate if cold, and soothe if warmer.
“Just do what works for you, because there will always be someone who thinks differently.” Michelle Obama
I love quotes. When I first started my psychotherapy private practice in the mid-90s before there were iPhones and Facebook, I had an answering machine, and the recording included quotes on there. I changed them monthly or so, and it felt nice. But I was a new therapist and I wanted to do things right. It felt right to me. Nonetheless, I was told by a senior therapist, one who I respected, that I might want to rethink having something so personal on my outgoing message. The common practice was to be as neutral as possible. Her thinking was that a chosen quote could possibly be sharing unnecessary private information about me or, it might be misconceived.
I regretfully took it off my machine. I wanted to do the right thing, and as someone new to the field I thought a more seasoned therapist would know better. Over the subsequent years I have come to believe that I can share quotes should I choose. If a potential client feels uncomfortable with that, or they are not fond of the quote, then they are given important information and can move on to find the right therapist for them. And those who align with whatever quote I post, may feel good about sharing in that philosophy. Whatever the case, I have the freedom to express myself as long as I am also responsible for managing whatever consequences my actions may have.
That therapist was trying to help. I don’t think she was judgmental or bossy. This is how she learned to practice and was simply passing on specific expertise. I was too insecure to do what felt right for me, so I ignored my desire for self-expression is the service of doing what was deemed professional. Now I understand that professionalism comes in many forms. My office, described as shabby chic by one client, will not feel welcoming to someone who prefers a more neutral setting. I wanted a homey feel. It does impart information about me, whether in the artwork on the walls or from the books on my bookshelves. And so be it. For me this is a welcoming space, but not for everyone.
It’s taken me years to feel good walking in my own shoes. They are not the worn tennis Tretorns my mother passed down to me in my teens and early adulthood. Nor are they the stiff leather oxfords my dad brought home for me in my childhood and preteen years when they didn’t sell at his store. They are shoes I’ve chosen on my own, colorful, wide, and comfortable. I walk in them like the New Yorker I am, at a clipped pace walking around those who might slow me down.
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” Dr Seuss
Self-Care Tips:
Find a quote or quotes you like and keep it (or them) in a place you can come back to. It will remind you to smile or be inspired, or both.
Identify ways in which you express yourself that feel good to you. Also identify those who appreciate you for who you are. Make a point to be in touch with them so you can enjoy the ease of feeling the freedom to simply be. If you feel misunderstood, look for those who might potentially share in your style of self-expression so you can live fully as yourself.
Learn from your mistakes. Sometimes we have to go left to see clearly we have to make a U-turn so that we belatedly go right.
This week I’m sharing some past sunsets. Seeing sunrises and sunsets makes me smile. Sunsets remind me that nothing is permanent. And sunrises are an apt metaphor that we always have a chance at a new beginning. Both sentiments give me some peace. And we could all use peace.
Too often when thinking of global peace we think it’s up to world leaders. Or we can feel the futility of hoping for peace. It’s easy to feel powerless when there are wars in too many regions of the world. When anger and hate fill our media outlets peace can seem allusive. As a child, as with many of us, we learned the lyrics “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.” I sung that song by rote. I didn’t really think of what I was saying. I found the tune bland. I was not inspired. And, yet, now when I hear talk of peace, and other songs referencing peace, I’m uplifted.
Perhaps we can start with a smile. It’s a small act, but it’s something we can offer. There is a happy meditation that suggests we smile when we breath. It changes our perspective and allows us to feel a bit lighter in the process. And when we share a smile it brightens up someone else’s day. In the past I might smile from time to time, feeling good when people smiled back. Admittedly I was resentful, as if I wasted a smile, when a blank stare or an unsmiling face looked back at me. But I can’t really know if it was a wasted smile. They may have had a delayed reaction. In that case, I wouldn’t have been privy to a positive impact. These days, I do my best to simply smile. I don’t always get a smile in return, but when I do, I am doubly happy.
I suggest we all start smiling. It may be an act of disruption since there has been a trend towards frustration, ire, and apathy. But we can pierce through the murkier emotions and land on a piece of peace.
This is not to say we should deny our feelings and err on the side of looking on the bright side. That does nothing but perpetuate the murkiness. Instead, we can acknowledge how hard it’s been and still share a smile with ourselves and others. News cycles always use fear and anger as their hook. Let’s lead with a smile, letting kindness be the hook. Let’s nourish our joy rather than feeding our fears. It’s a small step that can lead to collective inner peace.
Self-Care Tips:
Take three deep breaths smiling while breathing. See if it changes how you feel.
Challenge yourself to smile at others and see how it feels. What comes up for you when they smile back? And what happens when they don’t respond positively? Take note of your feelings. Then challenge yourself again to share a smile.
What makes you smile? Remember to watch, read, listen to, or enjoy whatever makes you smile.
Napping was my top priority this past week. They were usually twenty to thirty minutes max. They made a tremendous difference in my mood. I was able to get through the week with a greater capacity for patience. I had more room for the things that usually get under my skin, like loud car horns in grid lock, or the annoying overspill from packages protected with shredded paper or other messy stuffing.
There’s nothing like a good nap. It can be rejuvenating, especially when it’s been a long day and I’ve been short on sleep. This past week rest was in order. Life is full, which is wonderful, however, I need to pace myself. Previously the learning curve has been slow going when it comes to pacing. So, to get into a supportive pace I took naps where and when I could fit them in.
I know I need the sleep when it’s so easy to fall asleep and I feel refreshed upon waking. For years I’ve prioritized movement over rest. Now I’m working on finding a balance so that I am energized when in motion and I am naturally tired at the end of the day, allowing for a restful night. Stress can interfere with sleep. And there’s been no lack of stress for so many of us these last months and even years.
I may not be able to control the amount of stressful circumstances that come my way, but the napping helps me to handle it better than when I’m sleep deprived. As a moody person, I will continue to minimize the low moods by getting the naps I need.
Self-Care Tips:
Close your eyes. If it’s an easy moment, open them again and see if you can look at the surrounding space differently. Maybe you can notice something you didn’t see before.
Close your eyes. If you automatically feel sleepy, think if you cannot do something so that you can take a short nap.
Close Your eyes. Imagine a world in which kindness, respect and peace are everyday norms. Then as best you can, embody those values throughout your day.
I was taken off guard. I thought I was going through present difficulties consciously. I was meditating. I was practicing gratitude. I was reaching out to friends. And, yet the combination of a dear friend dying while adjusting to Larry, my husband, having a serious injury, along with the horrific world events, had me spiral so that I made poor choices, acted impulsively, inadvertently hurt others, all while losing sleep. My reactivity was to repeat the pattern these last two weeks.
If I hurt you, I am very sorry. It is said that we can do better when we know better. It would have seemed that I knew better. I did not. I was in a fog of denial that prolonged my suffering. I wish I could say that I was kinder and gentler after I hurt others. Sadly that was not the case. It was only when I was being so hard on myself that I recognized very old behavior.
There is a hubris in believing that we are immune to unconscious behavior if we’re “doing all the right things.” Being human is a process of uncovering our unconscious parts. It took a trifecta of stressors to have me dig deeper. Boy, am I humbled.
Since I am in the middle of learning what I have to learn to grow now, I have no wisdom to impart. I suppose I can share that we don’t know what we don’t know. I am hoping to continue the learning process so that I do know better and therefore can be better. These present life lessons are knockouts. I am getting up slowly to face them, hopefully with more compassion and kindness. I need that now. From what I’m seeing, we all need that now.
Self-Care Tips:
If you are being hard on yourself, pause. Ask yourself what’s upsetting you? Is hurting yourself with thoughts familiar to you? Has it worked? (It’s never helped me feel better.) What can you do that includes self-compassion and kindness? Then try it.
If you find you’re very reactive, getting upset easily, understand that these times might be hard for you. See if you can give yourself a break. When necessary warn those around you that you’re sorry but you may get upset easily. And when that happens take the time to repair the damage if others are amenable.
Forgive yourself. We’re all human. We can learn so much from feeling shame, ending the cycle of being mean to ourselves because we made troubling mistakes. That is how we learn and grow.
janetzinn 