“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” ― Ellen DeGeneres
I spent yesterday procrastinating. I cooked, I baked, I looked things up online. What I didn’t do was tally my expenses for budgeting and taxes. I am not fond of bookkeeping. Nonetheless, I was able to sit down and focus after I did everything I could to avoid the inevitable. It wasn’t as bad as I anticipated. Nor was it as fun as taking the day off.
It’s funny that I can be disciplined in some ways and amazingly avoidant of other things. We are all studies in contrasts. Having procrastinated for many years, I now understand my need to do other things before facing the task at hand. It helps for me to include my procrastination time as part of the deal. If I think it can get done in two hours, I must plan for four.
It’s a kindness to include procrastination, in any form, when planning an unwanted chore. I am easier on myself if I’m not spending a lot of my mental energy on questioning myself for not being on task. It helps to incorporate the procrastination into the task, appreciating that I’m in the process of getting my bookkeeping done, or whatever completed, and this is what it looks like.
Self-Care Tips:
The next time you have a dreaded task give yourself enough time to procrastinate. You’ll feel lighter.
View the procrastination as getting more done rather than less. For example, yesterday I not only did the bookkeeping, but I also made meals for the week.
Even if it’s cold, try to get outside. The air can reinvigorate if cold, and soothe if warmer.
“Just do what works for you, because there will always be someone who thinks differently.” Michelle Obama
I love quotes. When I first started my psychotherapy private practice in the mid-90s before there were iPhones and Facebook, I had an answering machine, and the recording included quotes on there. I changed them monthly or so, and it felt nice. But I was a new therapist and I wanted to do things right. It felt right to me. Nonetheless, I was told by a senior therapist, one who I respected, that I might want to rethink having something so personal on my outgoing message. The common practice was to be as neutral as possible. Her thinking was that a chosen quote could possibly be sharing unnecessary private information about me or, it might be misconceived.
I regretfully took it off my machine. I wanted to do the right thing, and as someone new to the field I thought a more seasoned therapist would know better. Over the subsequent years I have come to believe that I can share quotes should I choose. If a potential client feels uncomfortable with that, or they are not fond of the quote, then they are given important information and can move on to find the right therapist for them. And those who align with whatever quote I post, may feel good about sharing in that philosophy. Whatever the case, I have the freedom to express myself as long as I am also responsible for managing whatever consequences my actions may have.
That therapist was trying to help. I don’t think she was judgmental or bossy. This is how she learned to practice and was simply passing on specific expertise. I was too insecure to do what felt right for me, so I ignored my desire for self-expression is the service of doing what was deemed professional. Now I understand that professionalism comes in many forms. My office, described as shabby chic by one client, will not feel welcoming to someone who prefers a more neutral setting. I wanted a homey feel. It does impart information about me, whether in the artwork on the walls or from the books on my bookshelves. And so be it. For me this is a welcoming space, but not for everyone.
It’s taken me years to feel good walking in my own shoes. They are not the worn tennis Tretorns my mother passed down to me in my teens and early adulthood. Nor are they the stiff leather oxfords my dad brought home for me in my childhood and preteen years when they didn’t sell at his store. They are shoes I’ve chosen on my own, colorful, wide, and comfortable. I walk in them like the New Yorker I am, at a clipped pace walking around those who might slow me down.
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.” Dr Seuss
Self-Care Tips:
Find a quote or quotes you like and keep it (or them) in a place you can come back to. It will remind you to smile or be inspired, or both.
Identify ways in which you express yourself that feel good to you. Also identify those who appreciate you for who you are. Make a point to be in touch with them so you can enjoy the ease of feeling the freedom to simply be. If you feel misunderstood, look for those who might potentially share in your style of self-expression so you can live fully as yourself.
Learn from your mistakes. Sometimes we have to go left to see clearly we have to make a U-turn so that we belatedly go right.
This week I’m sharing some past sunsets. Seeing sunrises and sunsets makes me smile. Sunsets remind me that nothing is permanent. And sunrises are an apt metaphor that we always have a chance at a new beginning. Both sentiments give me some peace. And we could all use peace.
Too often when thinking of global peace we think it’s up to world leaders. Or we can feel the futility of hoping for peace. It’s easy to feel powerless when there are wars in too many regions of the world. When anger and hate fill our media outlets peace can seem allusive. As a child, as with many of us, we learned the lyrics “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.” I sung that song by rote. I didn’t really think of what I was saying. I found the tune bland. I was not inspired. And, yet, now when I hear talk of peace, and other songs referencing peace, I’m uplifted.
Perhaps we can start with a smile. It’s a small act, but it’s something we can offer. There is a happy meditation that suggests we smile when we breath. It changes our perspective and allows us to feel a bit lighter in the process. And when we share a smile it brightens up someone else’s day. In the past I might smile from time to time, feeling good when people smiled back. Admittedly I was resentful, as if I wasted a smile, when a blank stare or an unsmiling face looked back at me. But I can’t really know if it was a wasted smile. They may have had a delayed reaction. In that case, I wouldn’t have been privy to a positive impact. These days, I do my best to simply smile. I don’t always get a smile in return, but when I do, I am doubly happy.
I suggest we all start smiling. It may be an act of disruption since there has been a trend towards frustration, ire, and apathy. But we can pierce through the murkier emotions and land on a piece of peace.
This is not to say we should deny our feelings and err on the side of looking on the bright side. That does nothing but perpetuate the murkiness. Instead, we can acknowledge how hard it’s been and still share a smile with ourselves and others. News cycles always use fear and anger as their hook. Let’s lead with a smile, letting kindness be the hook. Let’s nourish our joy rather than feeding our fears. It’s a small step that can lead to collective inner peace.
Self-Care Tips:
Take three deep breaths smiling while breathing. See if it changes how you feel.
Challenge yourself to smile at others and see how it feels. What comes up for you when they smile back? And what happens when they don’t respond positively? Take note of your feelings. Then challenge yourself again to share a smile.
What makes you smile? Remember to watch, read, listen to, or enjoy whatever makes you smile.
Napping was my top priority this past week. They were usually twenty to thirty minutes max. They made a tremendous difference in my mood. I was able to get through the week with a greater capacity for patience. I had more room for the things that usually get under my skin, like loud car horns in grid lock, or the annoying overspill from packages protected with shredded paper or other messy stuffing.
There’s nothing like a good nap. It can be rejuvenating, especially when it’s been a long day and I’ve been short on sleep. This past week rest was in order. Life is full, which is wonderful, however, I need to pace myself. Previously the learning curve has been slow going when it comes to pacing. So, to get into a supportive pace I took naps where and when I could fit them in.
I know I need the sleep when it’s so easy to fall asleep and I feel refreshed upon waking. For years I’ve prioritized movement over rest. Now I’m working on finding a balance so that I am energized when in motion and I am naturally tired at the end of the day, allowing for a restful night. Stress can interfere with sleep. And there’s been no lack of stress for so many of us these last months and even years.
I may not be able to control the amount of stressful circumstances that come my way, but the napping helps me to handle it better than when I’m sleep deprived. As a moody person, I will continue to minimize the low moods by getting the naps I need.
Self-Care Tips:
Close your eyes. If it’s an easy moment, open them again and see if you can look at the surrounding space differently. Maybe you can notice something you didn’t see before.
Close your eyes. If you automatically feel sleepy, think if you cannot do something so that you can take a short nap.
Close Your eyes. Imagine a world in which kindness, respect and peace are everyday norms. Then as best you can, embody those values throughout your day.
I spilled my coffee earlier this week. And I then let out a loud string of expletives to vocalize my frustration. I cleaned up the mess and then rushed to work. Not the way I had wanted to start my day. My reaction, though provoked, made it clear that I need some down time. It may not be the vacation that I’ve fantasized, but even an evening in, or a task free afternoon will do at this point.
To that end, this will be a brief post. I will not be replying to comments. I will be choosing to do less. Since I have a history of blurry boundaries, stating this upfront may seem clumsy, but at least I’m stating what I need.
Too many of us, particularly women and marginalized populations, try to keep up, which can keep us down. I invite you to join me in taking time off, even a fifteen-minute break. Perhaps if enough of us did that we would see less negative reactivity in our worlds. Less acting out.
Taking a time out, which for this adult is a gift not a punishment, will allow me the space and time to regroup. So if I spill my coffee again, I may be able to offer one expletive, rather than an endless string. Then I hope to simply get a towel and soak up the liquid.
Should you notice you’re more reactive, find time for a short break, or, if possible, take a longer period of time off.
Before making more commitments, say, “I’ll think about it.” If you’d still like to do it, and it’s not an obligation, you can get back to them and say yes. However, if it doesn’t bring you joy when thinking of the potential commitment, see if you can abstain from saying yes.
If someone reacts in an upsetting way, try not to join them. Wait until a later date to let them know how that reaction impacted you. This way you have a chance of being heard and understood.
I was taken off guard. I thought I was going through present difficulties consciously. I was meditating. I was practicing gratitude. I was reaching out to friends. And, yet the combination of a dear friend dying while adjusting to Larry, my husband, having a serious injury, along with the horrific world events, had me spiral so that I made poor choices, acted impulsively, inadvertently hurt others, all while losing sleep. My reactivity was to repeat the pattern these last two weeks.
If I hurt you, I am very sorry. It is said that we can do better when we know better. It would have seemed that I knew better. I did not. I was in a fog of denial that prolonged my suffering. I wish I could say that I was kinder and gentler after I hurt others. Sadly that was not the case. It was only when I was being so hard on myself that I recognized very old behavior.
There is a hubris in believing that we are immune to unconscious behavior if we’re “doing all the right things.” Being human is a process of uncovering our unconscious parts. It took a trifecta of stressors to have me dig deeper. Boy, am I humbled.
Since I am in the middle of learning what I have to learn to grow now, I have no wisdom to impart. I suppose I can share that we don’t know what we don’t know. I am hoping to continue the learning process so that I do know better and therefore can be better. These present life lessons are knockouts. I am getting up slowly to face them, hopefully with more compassion and kindness. I need that now. From what I’m seeing, we all need that now.
Self-Care Tips:
If you are being hard on yourself, pause. Ask yourself what’s upsetting you? Is hurting yourself with thoughts familiar to you? Has it worked? (It’s never helped me feel better.) What can you do that includes self-compassion and kindness? Then try it.
If you find you’re very reactive, getting upset easily, understand that these times might be hard for you. See if you can give yourself a break. When necessary warn those around you that you’re sorry but you may get upset easily. And when that happens take the time to repair the damage if others are amenable.
Forgive yourself. We’re all human. We can learn so much from feeling shame, ending the cycle of being mean to ourselves because we made troubling mistakes. That is how we learn and grow.
I voted early yesterday. I like my councilwoman and I wanted to keep her in office. What I don’t get to vote for is the abolishment of daylight savings time. We turned the clocks back last night, and ostensibly we got an extra hour of sleep. Then in April we “spring” ahead losing that hour. I say, no thank you.
As a child, I was delighted to stay in my pajamas longer on a crisp Autumn Sunday. Now, it feels like a game I’m playing that I never agreed to participate in. I accept the inevitability of daylight savings time along with other events not of my choosing.
I believe Daylight Savings Time or “DST” began in 1908 in Thunder Bay, Canada, a northern bay town of Lake Superior. It was decided that DST would help to take advantage of the daylight while also conserving energy. Then two years into WWI the Germans and Austrians instituted DST and it became an international trend. And, though not a trend in all countries, it is observed by over seventy countries worldwide.
I have no doubt that it works to some advantage for others. But, for me, given the upside-down state of our world, I’ll take a modicum of stability when I can.
Whatever your stance on DST, may your day be bright, and your shorter days be filled with light.
Self-Care Tips:
While there may not be a lot in life that’s under your control, try to find the few things that you can freely choose and enjoy your personal selections within the options available.
If you’re someone who leans on routines, see if you’re able to switch it up. In this way you can experience something new, both in the new action taken, as well as the reaction to it. One example is to put your shoes on opposite to the way you’re used to putting them on. If you start with the right food, try starting with the left. If you put both socks on before you put your shoes on, try putting one sock on followed by your shoe, then repeat.
If you’re in New York City, go to the marathon path today and be inspired by the racers. If not, enjoy seeing aerial views on TV.
Some weeks are harder than others. Having heard from a number of people this past week was just such a week. I can certainly include myself in that mix. For that reason, I am going to don a virtual mask, making this a quick post, while wishing you all a Happy Halloween. Here are some city pics of the season.
Self-Care Tips:
Give yourself a break. If things are hard, find ways to let go of the normal routines to provide the energy needed for whatever is essential.
Dark humor that does not hurt anyone can even help in hard times.
If you celebrate, enjoy Halloween. If you don’t celebrate, lean into JOMO, the joy of missing out.
I’ve been watching Dear… on Apple TV. I found it by accident. While looking for another program a small square with Selena Gomez’s image caught my eye. I clicked on her framed face and came upon Dear… I watched the 30-minute segment and was immediately hooked.
The series features individuals in the public eye, some athletes, actors, writers, or activists, as they engage with letters of those who have been inspired by them The featured famous person’s influence has helped to change the letter writers’ lives.
We all have people in our lives, those who have touched us, helping us to be our better selves. My first memory of someone like that was Mrs.Schlosberg, my first-grade teacher at Stafford Elementary School in Cherry Hill, NJ. Prior to her coming to our school, my classroom was in a corner of the school auditorium. Our teacher was a mean woman who had me sit in the corner on a daily basis because I laughed out loud, a young child’s nervous habit. There’s a thin line between laughter and crying. By the end of my school days, at the age of six, having been shamed for laughing, I would cry for being treated poorly by that teacher.
Later in the Fall, we were moved to the old art room transformed into a new classroom. Our new teacher, Mrs. Schlosberg, was a compassionate educator who cared about her students. She didn’t see me as a bad seed, she saw me as a child who was struggling, and she took the time and attention to give me a better experience as a first grader. She helped me to become an ongoing learner. And she taught me the wisdom of separating behavior from the person. I did not inappropriately laugh in her class. I no longer felt uncomfortable. I could laugh with ease when something was genuinely funny.
It’s been a very long time since I was in Mrs. Schlosberg’s class. Since then so many have inspired me, from those I’ve never met like Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle and Michelle Obama to those who have personally touched my life. We may never know how we impact another person. Though well-known people have a larger platform, each of us have made a difference to someone. This is why kindness is so important. It grows exponentially, possibly making an impact even sixty years later.
Self-Care Tips:
Think of the unsung heroes of your life. Take a moment to silently thank them for the ways they’ve touched your life.
If you have Apple TV, check out Dear…. If you don’t, maybe you can find a documentary or a TED talk with an inspiring person.
Provide a simple act of kindness. You just might make someone’s day.
Do I speak of the unspeakable? This past week marks a tragic low in inhumane acts. I cannot get my head around it. As a Jewish psychotherapist I am in a similar position as I was when we faced the pandemic. I am going through something that I am also hearing from my clients. The sadness, along with so many other emotions, have been omnipresent this past week.
Since there are so many experts writing and speaking about the issues surrounding the terrorist attacks, I will not even try to address it head on. What I can speak to is how now more than ever we can attend to our mental health. We can care for ourselves with the utmost respect. We can be gentle and kind. Patience is required as we may seek out numbing agents or distractions while feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
Taking life slowly for the moment may allow for processing the pain while creating openings for the small joys of any given day. Walks have felt particularly therapeutic to me. I have gone to take in artwork, and I am listening to more soulful music. Rest has been mildly restorative at the end of my days and at the conclusion of my work week. I hope you will find the people and things that comfort you. As citizens of the world we are all impacted one way or another by this and other atrocities.
I pray for accord and wish for every innocent person to thrive on a peaceful planet.
Self-Care Tips:
Move slowly through the world. The movement will help with stress release, and being embodied helps locate and address your current experience. Gentle stretching, walking in nature, dancing to music that moves you are all suggestions for your body and soul.
Reach out to those you care about. Ask how people are doing. If you’re overloaded, no need to ask, you can simply let them know you’re thinking of them.
Pray and meditate. If you are a non-believer prayer can simply be taking in the world around you. Become acquainted with your inner and outer selves as we heal individually, and ultimately ,we heal for all humanity.
janetzinn 