Tag Archives: mindfulness

It’s Hard Being Hard on Myself, Week Twenty in the No Longer New Abnormal

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In thinking about what to write this week I wondered if I should write about Mother’s Day.  But I decided that rather than writing more on the day that brings up so much for so many, I’ll limit my input by briefly folding it into the self-care tips, Then there have been amazing pictures online of the rare Aurelia Borealis.  Though I didn’t witness it myself, those who captured the colorful wonder have posted images that defy words.  What I’ve settled on is to say that when I reread my book a couple of months ago, In the Time of Coronavirus, for the last look before submitting it for publication, I became very uset.  I thought, “Who do I think I am?’ and “what could I have been thinking?” and, “This is bad. I’m so embarrassed!”  I have a long history of berating myself.  At that moment I questioned my writing, and my hubris for thinking I could put a book out into the world.  

I very down on myself.  But I had gotten so far and I decided to give the final go-ahead, knowing I’d have to with all my feelings.  It had been a dream of mine to be an author, and it was okay if this was my first, if flawed, book.  I had learned a lot and I still have a lot to learn, so this would be a dream come true, even if there were things that upset me.  

Once it was in pre-publication, the publishing date is June 4th, a few early reviews came in.  They were very positive.  The reviewers didn’t know me, nor did they have any incentive to write nice things about the book.  Once I read a couple, I realized how hard I had been on myself, and, in turn, the book.  Maybe I was simply wrong.  Or I had unreasonable expectations.  Not a rare trait.  Just ask my family.  I am grateful that others have been able to appreciate what I couldn’t.  Though I know it’s probable that there will be mixed reviews, depending on the reader, it’s nice to know it will find its audience, and that is just fine.  

Here are a few quotes from the reviews:  

From Kirkus:

 “Zinn writes in an unadorned style that feels both accessible and intimate. She discusses her subjects with gentle authority while making no claims to having all the answers.”

And:

“A pandemic remembrance that succeeds as both memoir and self-help guide.”

From the Book Commentary:  

“In her poignant collection of reflections and self-care strategies, In the Time of Coronavirus, Janet Zinn examines the tumultuous landscape of the pandemic with grace and wisdom.”

And:

“This book might be about coping with the COVID-19 pandemic, but its wisdom is timeless, a message to accompany and inspire readers through any difficult moment.” 

From The Feathered Quill:  

“With its intimacy centering on Zinn’s experiences and its universality deftly depicted to reach the hearts and minds of others, her book is sure to fulfill the purpose she envisioned.”

And: 

“ Janet Zinn’s self-help manual, In the Time of Coronavirus, offers an empathic, week-by-week view of the effects of coronavirus restrictions that will be read and appreciated by anyone seeking to solve a large variety of life’s problems.”

Though I was harsh with no clear perspective, I am open to the fact that my opinion in that dark place was purely subjective.  I’m hopeful that other readers will find In the Time of Coronavirus useful and supportive when life’s difficulties emerge.  In the end, my first book served its author when I was being too tough on myself.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Do what you can to reparent yourself.  If your mother or caregiver was kind and accepting, you can replicate that care towards yourself.  If your primary caregiver or parent was not someone who matched your needs, then find a way to be compassionate towards yourself for what you didn’t receive but can now give to yourself.  
  • Another way to reparent yourself is to notice when you are being critical of yourself and ask “what can I do to be more accepting of what I’m going through?” And, “can I give myself something that might support me through this?”
  • Gift yourself a future copy of  In the Time of Coronavirus.   You can go to https://janetzinn.com or go to Amazon, Barnes and Noble, request it from your local library, or from an independent bookstore or book seller. 

Letting Go, Week Eighteen in the No Longer New Abnormal

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When I was younger and I upset someone, I would replay the incident over and over again.  I found it intolerable that someone would be upset or angry with me.  It felt devastating.  I would apologize again and again, becoming a nuisance.   Sometimes people would be more upset with my groveling than they were with the original upset.  I couldn’t get it out of my mind.  It felt like anything I did that hurt others was unforgivable.  There was no fun to be had.  

As a new age devotee in my late teens to early thirties I had embraced the idea of letting things go.  But I didn’t know how to do that.  I couldn’t let discriminatory situations go.  I was beyond upset when I was judged unfairly.  And, as explained, I couldn’t let things go when someone was upset with me.  

In this time of polarization, and post-pandemic frustrations, we are seeing more and more people hold onto ideology that is not being played out on the world stage.  It’s easy to look at the dismay and think that they should just let go of their fury.    But that is easier said than done.  

How many times have we been told, “Just let it go?”  I think that usually tells us more about the person who is advocating for letting it go.  I have found that letting go is a process.  It is not something you can simply do at a moment’s notice.  Though that seems to be the desire of others.  We have not expanded our tolerance for differences, so it can play out that others tell us to let go so they can feel more comfortable.  

Let us have patience with ourselves and others.  Let’s work on soothing ourselves when we’re uncomfortable.  That can be essential in the letting go process.  When we aren’t fighting how we feel or how others feel, there is more space to let go.  Or, even better, there’s more acceptance of what is.  These are hard times.  Let’s see what we can gain from the discomfort rather than continually trying to shut ourselves and others down.  

Though I have no definitive answers, I do believe that self-compassion, compassion for others, as well as patience and kindness can be revolutionary acts in times of intolerance.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When you are working on letting something go, ask yourself,  “What am I experiencing?”  Then see if you can care for yourself as you go through it.
  • When you are upset with someone else’s stance, ask yourself, “What am I feeling in response to their stance?”  Then see what you need to care for yourself while not disparaging them.  
  • Do one small thing you’ve been putting off.  Today I mended a torn glove.  It’s not quite as good as new, but it’s done, and I can let it go.  

San Miguel, Week Seventeen in the No Longer New Abnormal

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Having lived as long as I have, visiting friends and family sometimes means travel.  Following our amazing time in Mexico City we took a drive to the Teotihuacán Pyramids, which were magnificent.  It’s a pre-historic Mayan city.  To walk in the same steps as those who resided there thousands of years ago is a powerful experience.  From there we traveled on to San Miguel de Allende, a lovely small city with an artistic soul. 

It was there I enjoyed a reunion with Annie, a friend for almost forty years.  It had been decades wince we saw each other. What a joy to share our memories while catching up with life now.  She, like many expats, has made San Miguel her home.  

Year after year Travel and Leisure names San Miguel de Allende one of the best places to retire.  Though stunning, warm, and inviting, the cobblestones alone, not to mention the hilly landscape, are a deterrent as a retirement destination for me.  Even so, it is easy to see the happiness of so many retired individuals. 

While in San Miguel, thanks to Annie, we had a wonderful time sitting on porches and balconies, catching up while city life passed by.  She created an amazing trip for us.  We saw markets, architecture, historical churches, art galleries, resorts, and flora and fauna.  We were all exhausted with the wealth of activities.  The food and drinks were delicious, and laugher was our soundtrack.  

I am so grateful for my wonderful friends, near and far.  It makes for a rich life, indeed.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Reconnect with friends, especially those with whom you can laugh.  It’s always a joy when laughter is shared in our relationships. 
  • As the weather gets warmer, sit outside to people watch, read a book, or just enjoy the scenery.
  • Rub your hands together until the palms are warm, then place them on tired eyes, on your heart or belly.  It can be a self-soothing act.  

Chasing Cherry Blossoms, Week Fourteen in the No Longer New Abnormal

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I made a trip to DC this weekend.  I was going to visit family, see a musical, get to the National Portrait Gallery and enjoy the cherry blossoms.  I was able to enjoy time with my family and see a most wonderful show at Arena Stage Theater.  Bu it turns out the Cherry Blossoms were premature this year due to the warmer winter months.  I thought I was early enough but that was not the case.  I saw trees with waning petals, the best in Takoma Park, MD.  But the city failed to provide me with the simple joy of full flowered trees wherever I went.  

My first sighting was while on a speeding train due south.  It looked promising on the bank of a river.  Once in the city limits, I got to my hotel room and ran out to ensure the best viewing possible.  Instead, they mostly alluded me.  I was able to spot a few here and there.  I walked the length of the mall to see what I could find.  There was one cropping which was filled with a crowd, mostly posing under and close to the trees.  Apparently a lot of people were visiting the capitol for the love of cherry blossoms.  

Though the cherry blossoms were disappointing for the most part, it turned into a game and each time I saw a flowering tree I got excited.  A made-up game, similar to those I played as a child.  The real thrill was seeing my in-laws who I haven’t seen in years.  They had changed and at the same time were very much the same in a comforting way that comes from familiarity.  Their garden is the product of love.  Their home, filled with beautiful artwork, was good to see again after too much time had passed.  Then, last evening was a true gift.  The Unknown Soldier, a stunning musical with beautifully woven threads composed by Michael Friedman, is a rich, nuanced show with an outstanding cast.  Though I didn’t see it when it premiered in New York City at Playwright’s Horizon, it was wonderful to enjoy in in DC.  

Outside the theater as light raindrops suddenly and unexpectedly arrived, an errant cherry blossom landed in my hair.  My weekend was complete.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Create a game for yourself this Spring of finding and naming flowers as you go about your activities.  
  • When you have an unfulfilled expectation, try to balance disappointment with discovery of hidden gifts.  It’s important you don’t deny your feelings.  But equally important that your disappointment doesn’t obscure something agreeable.  
  • If you’ve been meaning to call, write or visit someone, reach out.  We more often regret what we haven’t done rather than the actions we take.  

Take Care, Week Twelve in the No Longer New Abnormal

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This past week I heard of the death of two people from my past.  I heard from three people presently who are ill, and we are all hearing about too many in our world who are in pain, who are suffering, or who have experienced significant losses.  Life is precious.  

I had a very full week.  I laughed, I cried, I stayed in to rest and reflect, I went out to celebrate.  I enjoyed wonderful music, good art, delicious food, and good friends, all while missing others who I didn’t get to see, and the few I’ll never see again. There is no right way to live in the presence of sorrow, whether personal or global.  We all must find our own way.  Yet, we can bring care and respect while navigating our challenges.  

I choose to live fully.  I tend to rest only after I have nothing left.  Others do better to dig into less energetic pursuits.  Let’s remember that we are all doing our best.  When I can, I try to take into account that there is no ill intent on the part of others.  They, too, are weighed down by life’s difficulties.  When possible, I try to have grace for others.  Though when I don’t then I try to have some grace for myself.  My hope is that we will do our best to bring care to each moment and to all we encounter.  When life is tough, when the world is hard, care can be a revolutionary act.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Give yourself grace when you’re not your best.  It’s not a pass to behave poorly, but a way of proving kindness to yourself as you learn and grow. 
  • If something doesn’t turn out the way you want, see if you can find a takeaway.  Did you learn something?  Was there an unexpected gift in it?  If so, take that in.  It may not make up for what happened, but you can still gain something from something that didn’t go as planned.  
  • Put on some music and sing along with your favorite music.  Get the lyrics online to make it easier.  It’s a stress buster to do a sing-along.  

This is Not About Daylight Savings Time, Week Eleven in the No Longer New Abnormal

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We can be shiny and perfect and admired, or we can be real and honest and vulnerable and loved. But we actually do have to choose.  Glennon Doyle Melton

I listen to Glennon’s podcast, “We Can Do Hard Things.”  On one of her podcasts she said that she used to worry that no one was listening to her.  Her audiences were small, her readership small.  But then she started seeing and hearing the few who were listening.  She realized that each person was important, not the number itself.  It was so meaningful to hear that.  I have taken it to heart.  

A couple of years ago I had an idea for a book on courage. I worked on it assiduously, but it needed more rewrites.  I took a break.  The first thing I was told while writing the first draft was to build a platform.  I was told if publishing companies would take me on as an unknown author they needed a large following from me.  I tried to expand my readership as a blogger.  I put out a few failed TikTok videos. I posted to most social media platforms.  I was pushing too hard and not sufficiently expanding at my slow pace. 

I’m no salesperson. Being an “influencer” requires a certain amount of salesmanship.   It’s a specific skill set that I lack.  In high school I tried sales, but it cost me more in gas than I ever made in earnings.  Now, even though I’m supposed to be building a platform, I, instead, am finding out more about my readers.  You matter.  I am so grateful for your likes, your comments, your writings, posts and shares.  I truly believe individuality outweighs crowds.  

I am no longer upset, as I was when I was younger, when a party was small. I sadly focused on those who didn’t come rather than the caring souls who attended.  That was a function of insecurity.   It took a long time for me to appreciate those who show up.  I can deal with small numbers of likes.  I can look at the list and appreciate each person who has generously given of his/her/their time and consideration.  My self-worth, our self-worth, is not how many people we connect with, but the quality of any and all connections.  

I don’t know how many books of my pandemic era blog posts I’ll sell.  I went with a hybrid press, Atmosphere Press, so I didn’t have to fully rely on my lack of sales acumen. They’d like me to sell a lot books, but it’s not a dealbreaker.  Instead, I can continue to value the individual over the many.  

I thank you for reading this, for being a part of my life, albeit, online, yet meaningful, nonetheless.  You have truly helped.  

Self-Care Tips:  

  • * When you find that things didn’t turn out the way you expected, see if you can find the small gem in the new circumstances.  It may not compensate for what you had hoped for, but it can give you something you didn’t know you needed.  
  • * Think small.  We often get overtaken by big numbers, big experiences.  When we can be in the moment, we feel alive in a very special way. 
  • * We live in a time of feeling overwhelmed.  We can mitigate that by acknowledging what we have accomplished rather than focusing on what we think we have to get done.  

Not Boring, Week Ten in the No Longer New Abnormal

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As a psychotherapist I’ve noticed that so many people in and out of my office will say, “I know this is boring, but…”  Traditionally therapists don’t respond, we only listen.  I’m more interactive, so I respond to the statement that they think what they have to say is boring.  I’m curious.  I don’t find what they tell me boring. But I want to know how they see it themselves.  The subject matter is secondary to their perceptions and experiences of living their lives.  I am fascinated by that.  Luckily my profession affords me to privilege of hearing their insights and opinions regarding their lives.  

I can relate to the idea that what I have to say is boring.  In fact, week after week in writing this blog I tend to stress over what I’m writing, then subsequently judging myself and my writing.  I still write the piece figuring it may be boring for some and that’s the fate of putting something out there.  It is perhaps even more true now that I am getting ready to publish my first book, In the Time of Coronavirus, Looking at the Past for a Joyous Future.  It is a compilation of blog posts from the pandemic.  

I’ve always wanted to write a book.  And when a book I was working on about courage hit a wall, I decided to pivot and publish this book at the prodding of others.  I will return to the courage book, as finishing it will be an act of courage in its own right.  

In the meantime, I’m working on all the backroom details that have to get done to sell a book.  I don’t like it.  And, yes, I find it either stressful or boring, but necessary, nonetheless.  So, I take walks, go to the theater, work, and enjoy small moments of grace to insert joy throughout the process.  And when I’m stressed, I find solace in all that is boring.  Boring is a gift.  I used to think all things boring was a problem when I was younger.  No more.  In both my personal and professional lives, boring is anything but.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Enjoy a gratitude practice for anything you perceive as boring.  Be grateful that life is providing a break from the hard stuff. 
  • If you find something boring, tighten your focus and see if you can identify the small changes that take place.  When driving it could be the music you’re listening to or the changes in the clouds.  Focus on anything that shifts boredom to interest. 
  • Rather than simply listening to, reading or watching those who have the same opinions and world views, listen, watch or observe with curiosity something or someone who sees things differently.  Make sure to see if you can learn something rather than dismissing it right away.  

A Trip to the Garden, Week Eight of the No Longer New Abnormal

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There’s nothing like a flower show in the middle of a cold winter to warm our souls.  That was my thinking as I embarked on the member preview of the Orchid Show at the New York Botanical Garden in the Bronx.  My plan was to get there early so I could get in and out and home for work.  I walked in the chilly weather to the subway where I got on the number 5 subway to Bedford Avenue.  However, it was the number 4 train that I needed, so I had to reroute, getting off at the Grand Concourse and then settling in for a 45-minute ride to the Garden via the Bx 19 bus.  This was an hour detour in total, getting me to the Garden with the throngs of people who also wanted to enjoy the tropical flowers.  

I made the decision to return via Metro North getting off at 42nd Street, but first I had to winnow my way through unwieldy Instagram photographers and flower gawkers.  Even when I politely said excuse me, as I wanted to get away from the heavily-clothed crowd and make my train back to the city, I was greeted by annoying responses.  They were irritated that I’d want to pass them, and had something to say to me.  

There were a few narrow openings, and I made my way past the hot house , thus able to escape in time for my train back to the city.  As gorgeous as the flowers are, I will return on an early weekday when there is less of a rush, and I can quietly enjoy the annual oasis.  

There was a time I would have been so hard on myself for getting on the wrong train, dealing with the crowds, and generally making mistakes.  I would have been judgmental of the cantankerous flower gawkers. I still have my moments, but I was not hard on myself. Nor was I angry with the unwanted commentary.   I simply learned for the next time.  And I enjoyed my bus ride, getting to see parts of the city I don’t normally see.  Age, mediation, and therapy have all been helpful in being kinder to myself and more accepting of others.  Though I spent less time with the flowers than I had planned, I received other unexpected gifts.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Bring a flower home or go out to see flowers where you can.  Photos can also do the trick.  As we get through the rest of this winter, flowers do brighten the darker days.  Trader Joes has terrific prices on flowers.  You can gift or get amaryllis bulbs in wax online. Like at Tulip World.  
  • Do a kindness mediation.  Sharon Salzberg has wonderful Loving Kindness mediations.  10% Happier also has a terrific selection of kindness meditations.  Or find one online.  
  • Attend to your feet.  Sometimes a nice body or foot cream massaged into your feet can be a simple, caring act. 

Parts of Ourselves, Week Seven in the No Longer New Abnormal

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“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent” Victor Hugo

Yesterday I was in sweats, my hair, stiff, frizzy, and dry while getting paperwork done in-between laundry loads.  Nothing glamorous about the day.  I was comfortable and perhaps a bit tired from a late night.  The late night was very unexpected.  I had a subscription to the New York Pops at Carnegie Hall.  It has turned out to be a marvelous series.  On Friday night I, along with a sold-out house, thoroughly enjoyed an evening of Gershwin music featuring the vocalist, Montego Glover and the pianist, Lee Musiker.  

I sat enthralled when Lee Musiker played the piano for a Rhapsody in Blue, newly interpreted for this performance.  Our seats gave us a perfect view of his hands dancing on the keyboard as he reinterpreted this classis piece.  It was magical.  I had seen him play before, and have always been impressed, but this was something beyond that.  

Much to my surprise a friend of a friend invited us backstage and then to a reception following the concert. Maestro Musiker’s sister had flown up from Florida to hear her brother perform, and I had just met her briefly at Carnegie Hall.   Everyone backstage and at the reception was warm and friendly. They were music lover after all.  

The two days, Friday and Saturday couldn’t have been more opposite.  On the one hand, on Friday night I was in the company of the best of the best in music, Steven Reineke, a charismatic and highly talented conductor, Montego Glover, a renowned vocalist, and the Grammy & Emmy  award winning pianist, Lee Musiker, who was beyond gracious.  Being an audience member of the exceptional concert was extraordinary.  Then to see the artists up close and in-person was incomparable.  

In contrast to Friday night, I woke up exhausted but content on Saturday.  I knew I had a lot on my plate for the weekend and I set out to do the chores that I neither welcomed nor relished but had to get done.  So, without fanfare, I dutifully took care of my chores while in my sweats basking in the memory of the previous evening.

Self-Care Tips:

  • When you’re faced with unwanted tasks, think of something you’re looking forward to that will get you through.  Or think of something you have previously enjoyed.  It makes the chore more tolerable.  
  • There are great recordings and videos of Gershwin classics online.  Give yourself a treat and listen to the music of an American Master.  Try:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH2PH0auTUU
  • Enjoy the Puppy Bowl 2024 today on Animal Planet or Discovery.  

A Terrific Show, Week Six in the No Longer New Abnormal

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“Don’t wait for people to tell you who you are.  Show them. “ 

Laura Benanti

I just came home from seeing Audible Theater’s production of Nobody Cares, written and performed by Laura Benanti.  She is a singular talent.  Before the show there were a bevy of celebrities in the audience including Patti Lupone, Sarah Bareiles, and Larry Owens.  They came to enjoy an evening featuring their colleague and friend.  

I laughed aloud when I wasn’t deeply moved by Laura Benanti’s honesty and vulnerability.  She mentions her therapist in the show, and I was honestly jealous that I’m not her therapist.  Although, perhaps, in that case, I wouldn’t have been at the theater for what turned out to be a delightful experience.  

There are only three performances before it’s mastered for Audible.  You can hear it as an Audible production.  And, though I enjoyed the visuals of the show, I will absolutely purchase the Audible version. No doubt I’ll get looks when I’m laughing aloud listening to the recorded version on one of my walks.  

While I was downtown there were long lines to get into the comedy club around the corner from the theater. The restaurants were packed, and the streets were full of visitors experiencing the Greenwich Village lifestyle, if only for a night.  

The city offers so much, and for tonight it was the incomparable Laura Benanti.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Go for a walk while the sun is out.  The days have been gloomy and it’s impacted our moods.  Take in all the vitamin D you can and notice the difference.  
  • Laugh.  Whether you look at New Yorker cartoons, watch silly videos, or turn on an old sitcom, there is nothing like laughter to break up the stress.  
  • Enjoy soup in this cold weather.  Make your own or buy one you like.  Warm soup can be so comforting.