Category Archives: education

In Vogue, Week Three of the No Longer New Abnormal

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“True empowerment comes from knowing and embracing your own worth.”

Beverly Johnson

I just saw the new one woman show, In Vogue, in which Beverly Johnson shares her life’s story with a backdrop of photos of her, the culture, and other iconic people, movements, and moments in history.  

I received a flyer in the mail and knew I wanted to see her.  My mother was an avid magazine reader.  As a young school-aged girl, I couldn’t wait for the monthly McCall’s issue so that I could play with the Betsy McCall paper dolls.  In my teen years I waited rather impatiently for my mother to finish her Glamour and Vogue issues, so I could enjoy them second-hand, always pleased to see the beautiful Beverly Johnson on their covers.  So when I heard she’d be in her own show I jumped at the chance of seeing her live and hearing more about her.  

In an intimate off-Broadway theater seated on stage with black pumps, black designer framed glasses, and a beautifully tailored suit, Beverly Johnson sits regally on a director’s chair to the side of a large screen.  I won’t tell you too much about the show, but I will say it begins honoring the many black women who were firsts. 

Though she faced so many challenges there was not even a whiff of victimhood.  She is proud of all she’s accomplished, and as audience members, we felt proud for her, too. 

Not all trailblazers are famous.  So many are the first in their family to go to college.  Or the first person in their community to travel outside their zip code.  Maybe you were first to pursue a dream, or to do something different from those around you.  It’s so easy these days to get upset by loud and mean voices.  It behooves us to purposely seek out inspiration from those who make a positive difference in the world around us.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Read a biography or memoir.  Or watch a documentary of a vanguard and allow yourself to be inspired by the gumption it takes in setting a precedent.  
  • Try something different.  If you always eat the same salad dressing, try making your own with a new recipe or ingredient.  You can always go back, but trying something new can open us up in unknown ways.  
  • Find the courage to speak up when you someone is hurtful to you or others.  

Encouraging Compassion, The Fifty-Second Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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We are at the end of 2023 and yet life goes on with all its difficulties, complications, wonders, and joy.  As we change the calendar year perhaps there is a better way to move forward.  We traditionally make resolutions.  Maybe we call them something else, but so many of us want to better our lives and a new year can feel like a blank slate.  

I am all for making changes.  I’m hopeful to be kinder and more compassionate with myself.  This is a hope I’m carrying from this past year, day to day, and moment by moment.  I find hope is not enough, though.  It takes a daily practice of bringing compassion especially in times of struggle.  To that end, I am relying on my experience that a daily practice of compassion or kindheartedness can change our lives in unexpected ways.  Our hearts open up.  We can listen from a place of curiosity rather than assumptions.  We can better tolerate discomfort as we work to ease our pain.  And we experience possibility rather than imposing past negative beliefs.

If we look back, we can all see that when we were encouraged, we blossomed.  In college, Dr. Jones was a tough grader, but she was so uplifting, believing in her students’ ability to think for themselves.  I wanted to do well in her class and did the hard work required. Conversely, in my creative writing class with a published author, I felt defeated as she had a very specific idea of good and bad.  As an insecure 18-year-old, I quit before I even got started based on her condemnation.  What was always a pleasure as a young teen turned into a shame-based exercise in her class. Two English professors with the same student and very different results.  

As we set off into early 2024 let’s do what we can to encourage ourselves and others.  If we find we’re having negative thoughts or words, perhaps we can see that we’re feeling stuck, and we can try again.  There is always an opportunity for compassion.  Whatever the year, compassion never goes out of style. 

Self-Care Tips: 

  • Create a transitional ritual for those times when you’re going from one part of your day to another.  For instance, during your commute to the office you can listen to an inspirational piece of music.  And, before returning home you could possibly take a short walk around the block.  This way when you start a new part of your day there is space between where you’d been and where you’re going.  It’s like a refresh.  
  • Create a “Done” list.  When we have to-do lists we can get overwhelmed.  With a “Done” list we can feel a sense of accomplishment.
  • Create a self-care list so that is available when things get stressful and you don’t have the mental resources to think what can soothe you, you can reference your list and choose something that will help.  

Finding Peace, The Fifty-First Week in the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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This week I’m sharing some past sunsets.  Seeing sunrises and sunsets makes me smile.  Sunsets remind me that nothing is permanent.  And sunrises are an apt metaphor that we always have a chance at a new beginning.  Both sentiments give me some peace.  And we could all use peace.

Too often when thinking of global peace we think it’s up to world leaders.  Or we can feel the futility of hoping for peace.  It’s easy to feel powerless when there are wars in too many regions of the world. When anger and hate fill our media outlets peace can seem allusive.  As a child, as with many of us, we learned the lyrics “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.”  I sung that song by rote.  I didn’t really think of what I was saying.  I found the tune bland.  I was not inspired.  And, yet, now when I hear talk of peace, and other songs referencing peace, I’m uplifted.  

Perhaps we can start with a smile.  It’s a small act, but it’s something we can offer.  There is a happy meditation that suggests we smile when we breath.  It changes our perspective and allows us to feel a bit lighter in the process.  And when we share a smile it brightens up someone else’s day. In the past I might smile from time to time, feeling good when people smiled back.  Admittedly I was resentful, as if I wasted a smile, when a blank stare or an unsmiling face looked back at me.  But I can’t really know if it was a wasted smile.  They may have had a delayed reaction.  In that case, I wouldn’t have been privy to a positive impact.  These days, I do my best to simply smile.  I don’t always get a smile in return, but when I do, I am doubly happy.   

 I suggest we all start smiling.  It may be an act of disruption since there has been a trend towards frustration, ire, and apathy.  But we can pierce through the murkier emotions and land on a piece of peace. 

This is not to say we should deny our feelings and err on the side of looking on the bright side.  That does nothing but perpetuate the murkiness.  Instead, we can acknowledge how hard it’s been and still share a smile with ourselves and others.  News cycles always use fear and anger as their hook.  Let’s lead with a smile, letting kindness be the hook.  Let’s nourish our joy rather than feeding our fears.  It’s a small step that can lead to collective inner peace.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Take three deep breaths smiling while breathing.  See if it changes how you feel.  
  • Challenge yourself to smile at others and see how it feels.  What comes up for you when they smile back?  And what happens when they don’t respond positively?  Take note of your feelings.  Then challenge yourself again to share a smile.  
  • What makes you smile?  Remember to watch, read, listen to, or enjoy whatever makes you smile.  

Forgiveness, The Fiftieth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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As the year approaches its end, forgiveness is on my mind.  I find that forgiveness is a process, though I used to imagine it was a one and done affair.  I earnestly believed that I could forgive someone and then I’d be okay with them.  I found that not to be the case.  It was easier to forgive if the person made changes.  Meaning they either stopped the offending behavior, or they started acting in a way they had avoided prior. 

When I was younger, probably, post three-years-old and before I was forty, when I did something that was not thoughtful of another and then was found out, I begged for forgiveness.  I needed to be forgiven to feel I could go on.  This may have come because my mother, known to others as being kind, was particularly unforgiving to her daughters.  One year I snuck into her bedroom closet to see if she got me a smart doll I coveted.  I couldn’t find it, but she found me in the walk-in, and then I made up a pathetic lie.  

When Hanukkah arrived the following week, I watched my sisters and brother open their gifts as I craved something to unwrap.  For seven evenings I sat with them hoping that night would be the night I would be forgiven and be handed a present for the holiday.  She begrudgingly gave me a gift-wrapped box on the final night.  And I acted as if the plaid pajamas was the nicest thing I owned.  

Now I understand that she was raising four children on her own since my father worked so many hours. And I had robbed her of one of the few joys she had as a mother, surprising us with gifts she secretly picked up while we were in school.  Plus, she was an honest person and lying was something she couldn’t abide.  I don’t know if she ever forgave me, or if my father pressured her to give me one gift.  Or, if neither were true and I simply needed a new nightgown, but I hugged her as if my life depended on it. 

I understood the power of forgiveness.  I made a point of forgiving, or acting as if I had forgiven as I soothed my soul until I could forgive.  And then I learned how forgiveness is something we give ourselves.  It takes away the negative feelings we harbor.  It releases us from the past so we can live lighter having unencumbered ourselves of umbrage.  My mother and I enjoyed that freedom as I matured, and I was able to appreciate all she had given me.  

Forgiving is not forgetting.  Forgiving is about not weaponizing past behaviors, of others or ourselves.  Forgiveness is an act of self-love.    We care enough about ourselves that we will not allow the past to hold us down.  And, yes, it’s a process.  Sometimes I have forgiven Larry, my husband, because he hadn’t thought of me when I wanted to be considered.  But I was not ready to let him know I forgave him.  I was still processing that forgiveness.  I knew I was in the final stages when I found my sense of humor and could own my part in our dynamic.  

And, though there is so much more to forgiveness, please forgive me for this short set of thoughts at the end of this year when too many have experienced way too much hurt.  For more on the subject, Harriet Lerner’s Why Won’t You Apologize is an excellent book on the subject.  

May we all find lightness of being by unshackling the burdens of our resentments.  Warm wishes this holiday season wherever you are in your path of forgiveness.  

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Read, reread, or listen to Harriet Lerner’s Why Won’t You Apologize.  Or listen to her TED talk:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5r6Y9uhmL6Y
  • If you’d like to forgive, have compassion for the pain and upset you’re experiencing.  Caring for yourself is an important step in forgiveness.  Malachy McCourt’s quote is a great reminder of the power of forgiveness: “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  
  • Taking action in the service of others, like donating to a beloved non-profit, volunteering, being kind to a stranger, are great ways to work on self-forgiveness.  

The Arts, The Forty-Ninth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I’m sitting here watching Barbra Streisand on PBS in her Back to Brooklyn concert.  The first time I heard her voice was in 1968 when the movie Funny Girl came out.  I was enthralled, though I wouldn’t have known that word as an eight-year-old.  Since then I’ve been a fan, attending her movies, and watching her tv specials.  I only had the opportunity to see her in-person once when she came back to Brooklyn in 2016.  It was magical.  

This week I had the great privilege of attending a performance of the Alvin Ailey Dance Company at City Center.  It’s been a while since I saw them last.  The powerful bodies dancing with strength and beauty is a sight to behold.  

The arts are essential.  Not only do they transform us to higher heights, but they expand our sense of self and the world.   I’ve been on a high this week after attending the dance performance.  And now, to listen to Barbra’s voice, I am in awe.  

There were a number of boring afternoons in elementary school when we went on field trips to the Philadelphia Museum.  However it piqued my curiosity about the artwork that spoke to me, like Rodin’s The Thinker, and Van Gogh’s Sunflowers.  Since then I’m an avid museum and gallery goer.  

I’m so grateful to live in one of the best cities in the world, especially when it comes to the arts.  I still get excited to attend the theater, enter a gallery, or see live music.  I believe that the eight-year-old in me finds her joy when I take her to the movies, a show, a concert, a dance performance, or an art exhibit.  And my present self joins her in joy and gratitude. 

Self-Care Tips: 

  • Watch Back to Brooklyn on PBS.  Or, if you prefer to see someone different go to YouTube or Netflix.
  • Go to a local art gallery.  If not, go to https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection to see some online Met pieces.  Or, during the pandemic art institutions worldwide created online galleries to view their art.  Choose one and see what they offer online.  
  • See if you can attend a dance performance near you.  Or, watch Revelations by Alvin Ailey here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDXerubF4I4.  

Ahhh, Naps, The Forty-Eighth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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Napping was my top priority this past week.  They were usually twenty to thirty minutes max.  They made a tremendous difference in my mood.  I was able to get through the week with a greater capacity for patience.  I had more room for the things that usually get under my skin, like loud car horns in grid lock, or the annoying overspill from packages protected with shredded paper or other messy stuffing. 

There’s nothing like a good nap.  It can be rejuvenating, especially when it’s been a long day and I’ve been short on sleep.  This past week rest was in order.  Life is full, which is wonderful, however, I need to pace myself.  Previously the learning curve has been slow going when it comes to pacing.  So, to get into a supportive pace I took naps where and when I could fit them in.  

I know I need the sleep when it’s so easy to fall asleep and I feel refreshed upon waking. For years I’ve prioritized movement over rest.  Now I’m working on finding a balance so that I am energized when in motion and I am naturally tired at the end of the day, allowing for a restful night.  Stress can interfere with sleep.  And there’s been no lack of stress for so many of us these last months and even years.  

I may not be able to control the amount of stressful circumstances that come my way, but the napping helps me to handle it better than when I’m sleep deprived.  As a moody person, I will continue to minimize the low moods by getting the naps I need.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Close your eyes.  If it’s an easy moment, open them again and see if you can look at the surrounding space differently.  Maybe you can notice something you didn’t see before.  
  • Close your eyes.  If you automatically feel sleepy, think if you cannot do something so that you can take a short nap. 
  •  Close Your eyes.  Imagine a world in which kindness, respect and peace are everyday norms.  Then as best you can, embody those values throughout your day.   

Nature Speaks, The Forty-Sixth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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Autumn colors fire up Central Park.  I had the good fortune of walking through the park on several occasions this past week.  I was reminded that this season represents the last of the foliage as the trees and plants prepare for the winter.  Following winter comes a renewal as Spring brings greenery and flowers to enjoy.  Just seeing the colorful trees brought hope. 

 I realized that whatever hardship I’m going through, whatever darkness we’re witnessing in the world, change is inevitable.  For that I am grateful.  

“This too shall pass” is a wonderful mantra.  The more we face adversity, the more important it is to remember that whatever we’re going through is temporary.  When we’re in the eye of the storm surviving may be our first priority.  But as we get through it, giving ourselves grace, meaning making room for our experiences, we come to know that there are subtle shifts that take place along the way.  

I remember many long drives on the weekends of my youth.  The six of us would crowd into the car.  My father was first to get in, my mother last. Sometimes my dad would move our Ford station wagon down the driveway to indicate that he was ready to go.  The car smelled of wet boxes and stale mints.  I liked the far back, looking into the rear window seeing where we just passed.  In the Autumn months I got bored on the roads with few signposts.  As my mother waxed poetic about the turning leaves, I was only taken by the deep red tree coverings.  

It was only years later in my adulthood that I could appreciate the beauty of Autumn’s majestic transformation.  And this past week the visual display shifted my perspective.  Simple gifts of nature make such a difference.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • When things are tough and you’re able to take it in, remember that “This too shall pass.”
  • Look around the natural world and breath in the gifts you see, hear or feel.  
  • Keep scents close by that induce calm.  I love vanilla, as well as my rose and almond oil hand soap.  How about you?  

Consciously Unconscious, The Forty-Fifth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I was taken off guard.   I thought I was going through present difficulties consciously.  I was meditating.  I was practicing gratitude.  I was reaching out to friends.  And, yet the combination of a dear friend dying while adjusting to Larry, my husband, having a serious injury, along with the horrific world events, had me spiral so that I made poor choices, acted impulsively, inadvertently hurt others, all while losing sleep.  My reactivity was to repeat the pattern these last two weeks.  

If I hurt you, I am very sorry. It is said that we can do better when we know better.  It would have seemed that I knew better.  I did not.  I was in a fog of denial that prolonged my suffering.  I wish I could say that I was kinder and gentler after I hurt others. Sadly that was not the case.  It was only when I was being so hard on myself that I recognized very old behavior.

There is a hubris in believing that we are immune to unconscious behavior if we’re “doing all the right things.”  Being human is a process of uncovering our unconscious parts.  It took a trifecta of stressors to have me dig deeper.  Boy, am I humbled.  

Since I am in the middle of learning what I have to learn to grow now, I have no wisdom to impart.  I suppose I can share that we don’t know what we don’t know.  I am hoping to continue the learning process so that I do know better and therefore can be better.  These present life lessons are knockouts.  I am getting up slowly to face them, hopefully with more compassion and kindness.  I need that now.  From what I’m seeing, we all need that now.  

Self-Care Tips: 

  • If you are being hard on yourself, pause.  Ask yourself what’s upsetting you?  Is hurting yourself with thoughts familiar to you?  Has it worked?  (It’s never helped me feel better.)  What can you do that includes self-compassion and kindness?  Then try it.  
  • If you find you’re very reactive, getting upset easily, understand that these times might be hard for you.  See if you can give yourself a break.  When necessary warn those around you that you’re sorry but you may get upset easily.  And when that happens take the time to repair the damage if others are amenable.
  •   Forgive yourself. We’re all human.  We can learn so much from feeling shame, ending the cycle of being mean to ourselves because we made troubling mistakes.  That is how we learn and grow. 

Those Who Move Us, The Forty-Second Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I’ve been watching Dear… on Apple TV.  I found it by accident.  While looking for another program a small square with Selena Gomez’s image caught my eye.  I clicked on her framed face and came upon Dear…  I watched the 30-minute segment and was immediately hooked.  

The series features individuals in the public eye, some athletes, actors, writers, or activists, as they engage with letters of those who have been inspired by them The featured famous person’s  influence has helped to change the letter writers’ lives.  

We all have people in our lives, those who have touched us, helping us to be our better selves.  My first memory of someone like that was Mrs.Schlosberg, my first-grade teacher at Stafford Elementary School in Cherry Hill, NJ.  Prior to her coming to our school, my classroom was in a corner of the school auditorium.  Our teacher was a mean woman who had me sit in the corner on a daily basis because I laughed out loud, a young child’s nervous habit.  There’s a thin line between laughter and crying. By the end of my school days, at the age of six, having been shamed for laughing, I would cry for being treated poorly by that teacher.  

Later in the Fall, we were moved to the old art room transformed into a new classroom. Our new teacher, Mrs. Schlosberg, was a compassionate educator who cared about her students.  She didn’t see me as a bad seed, she saw me as a child who was struggling, and she took the time and attention to give me a better experience as a first grader.  She helped me to become an ongoing learner.  And she taught me the wisdom of separating behavior from the person.  I did not inappropriately laugh in her class. I no longer felt uncomfortable.  I could laugh with ease when something was genuinely funny.  

It’s been a very long time since I was in Mrs. Schlosberg’s class.  Since then so many have inspired me, from those I’ve never met like Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle and Michelle Obama to those who have personally touched my life.  We may never know how we impact another person.  Though well-known people have a larger platform, each of us have made a difference to someone. This is why kindness is so important.  It grows exponentially, possibly making an impact even sixty years later.    

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Think of the unsung heroes of your life.  Take a moment to silently thank them for the ways they’ve touched your life.  
  • If you have Apple TV, check out Dear….  If you don’t, maybe you can find a documentary or a TED talk with an inspiring person.  
  • Provide a simple act of kindness.  You just might make someone’s day.  

What is Self-Care? The Fortieth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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When I was growing up in suburban New Jersey I didn’t know anything about self-care.  The first experience I had that felt like self-care was when my mom treated me to a facial at Strawbridge and Clothier.  They were having a special promotion.  Although I couldn’t control my weigh, we could try to tackle my acne this one time.  

Though the focus was to improve my skin, It felt luxurious to have an aesthetician apply steam to my face followed by a facial massage then rich creams applied with gentle fingers. This was so different from the daily Strident Pads and mismatched Clearasil routine I’d become accustomed to.   

The facial came with an unexpected make-over. I was beside myself with glee as I felt pampered in a way I had never experienced.  When finished I looked much older than my fourteen years with the make-up, but I felt like a new person.  A temporarily, sophisticated young woman who got facials.  This felt like a real treat.  

But following that one Saturday, the idea of self-care remained a mere memory for decades.  Then in my thirties as I attended mental health workshops and retreats, I was reintroduced to the idea of self-care.  

Self-care is not the same for everyone.  It’s why I make suggestions rather than state that there are only certain ways to care for oneself.  For many facials are a part of their self-maintenance. For me facials will always be a self-care activity, a rare treat while on vacation.  There is a distinction between self-care and self-maintenance.  And it is different for each of us 

We all live unique lives and how we choose to spend our time can vary vastly.  I now consider meditation self-maintenance rather than self-care.  Viewing art once a week is self-maintenance for me.  Often coupled by another maintenance activity, a destination walk.  However, should I find myself in more than one museum, then the visits are self-care.  Sleep is absolutely self-maintenance.  A phone call to a friend with plenty of tears and laughter could be either self-maintenance or self-care depending on the friendship, the call’s purpose, and the timing.  

It’s not always easy to distinguish the best ways to care for ourselves.  I do believe that self-maintenance is still a form of care.   Nonetheless, whether it’s self-maintenance or self-care, it’s an active statement that we matter.  

Self-Care Tips (Or Suggestions):

  • Give a friend a call, or a text for a walk, coffee, a meet-up, or for a conversation.  Make sure it’s someone with whom it’s natural and easy.  
  • Start a savings account for something you want.  It can be as small as $1 a week, or collect change in a jar.  It all adds up if there’s a regular deposit, and it gives you something to look forward to that you earned yourself.  
  • Find a way to volunteer.  Find something you like so that it doesn’t feel like an obligation but a happy way to give to others.  The season is upon us, so there are a lot of opportunities.