Some weeks are harder than others. Having heard from a number of people this past week was just such a week. I can certainly include myself in that mix. For that reason, I am going to don a virtual mask, making this a quick post, while wishing you all a Happy Halloween. Here are some city pics of the season.
Self-Care Tips:
Give yourself a break. If things are hard, find ways to let go of the normal routines to provide the energy needed for whatever is essential.
Dark humor that does not hurt anyone can even help in hard times.
If you celebrate, enjoy Halloween. If you don’t celebrate, lean into JOMO, the joy of missing out.
I’ve been watching Dear… on Apple TV. I found it by accident. While looking for another program a small square with Selena Gomez’s image caught my eye. I clicked on her framed face and came upon Dear… I watched the 30-minute segment and was immediately hooked.
The series features individuals in the public eye, some athletes, actors, writers, or activists, as they engage with letters of those who have been inspired by them The featured famous person’s influence has helped to change the letter writers’ lives.
We all have people in our lives, those who have touched us, helping us to be our better selves. My first memory of someone like that was Mrs.Schlosberg, my first-grade teacher at Stafford Elementary School in Cherry Hill, NJ. Prior to her coming to our school, my classroom was in a corner of the school auditorium. Our teacher was a mean woman who had me sit in the corner on a daily basis because I laughed out loud, a young child’s nervous habit. There’s a thin line between laughter and crying. By the end of my school days, at the age of six, having been shamed for laughing, I would cry for being treated poorly by that teacher.
Later in the Fall, we were moved to the old art room transformed into a new classroom. Our new teacher, Mrs. Schlosberg, was a compassionate educator who cared about her students. She didn’t see me as a bad seed, she saw me as a child who was struggling, and she took the time and attention to give me a better experience as a first grader. She helped me to become an ongoing learner. And she taught me the wisdom of separating behavior from the person. I did not inappropriately laugh in her class. I no longer felt uncomfortable. I could laugh with ease when something was genuinely funny.
It’s been a very long time since I was in Mrs. Schlosberg’s class. Since then so many have inspired me, from those I’ve never met like Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle and Michelle Obama to those who have personally touched my life. We may never know how we impact another person. Though well-known people have a larger platform, each of us have made a difference to someone. This is why kindness is so important. It grows exponentially, possibly making an impact even sixty years later.
Self-Care Tips:
Think of the unsung heroes of your life. Take a moment to silently thank them for the ways they’ve touched your life.
If you have Apple TV, check out Dear…. If you don’t, maybe you can find a documentary or a TED talk with an inspiring person.
Provide a simple act of kindness. You just might make someone’s day.
Do I speak of the unspeakable? This past week marks a tragic low in inhumane acts. I cannot get my head around it. As a Jewish psychotherapist I am in a similar position as I was when we faced the pandemic. I am going through something that I am also hearing from my clients. The sadness, along with so many other emotions, have been omnipresent this past week.
Since there are so many experts writing and speaking about the issues surrounding the terrorist attacks, I will not even try to address it head on. What I can speak to is how now more than ever we can attend to our mental health. We can care for ourselves with the utmost respect. We can be gentle and kind. Patience is required as we may seek out numbing agents or distractions while feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
Taking life slowly for the moment may allow for processing the pain while creating openings for the small joys of any given day. Walks have felt particularly therapeutic to me. I have gone to take in artwork, and I am listening to more soulful music. Rest has been mildly restorative at the end of my days and at the conclusion of my work week. I hope you will find the people and things that comfort you. As citizens of the world we are all impacted one way or another by this and other atrocities.
I pray for accord and wish for every innocent person to thrive on a peaceful planet.
Self-Care Tips:
Move slowly through the world. The movement will help with stress release, and being embodied helps locate and address your current experience. Gentle stretching, walking in nature, dancing to music that moves you are all suggestions for your body and soul.
Reach out to those you care about. Ask how people are doing. If you’re overloaded, no need to ask, you can simply let them know you’re thinking of them.
Pray and meditate. If you are a non-believer prayer can simply be taking in the world around you. Become acquainted with your inner and outer selves as we heal individually, and ultimately ,we heal for all humanity.
When I was growing up in suburban New Jersey I didn’t know anything about self-care. The first experience I had that felt like self-care was when my mom treated me to a facial at Strawbridge and Clothier. They were having a special promotion. Although I couldn’t control my weigh, we could try to tackle my acne this one time.
Though the focus was to improve my skin, It felt luxurious to have an aesthetician apply steam to my face followed by a facial massage then rich creams applied with gentle fingers. This was so different from the daily Strident Pads and mismatched Clearasil routine I’d become accustomed to.
The facial came with an unexpected make-over. I was beside myself with glee as I felt pampered in a way I had never experienced. When finished I looked much older than my fourteen years with the make-up, but I felt like a new person. A temporarily, sophisticated young woman who got facials. This felt like a real treat.
But following that one Saturday, the idea of self-care remained a mere memory for decades. Then in my thirties as I attended mental health workshops and retreats, I was reintroduced to the idea of self-care.
Self-care is not the same for everyone. It’s why I make suggestions rather than state that there are only certain ways to care for oneself. For many facials are a part of their self-maintenance. For me facials will always be a self-care activity, a rare treat while on vacation. There is a distinction between self-care and self-maintenance. And it is different for each of us
We all live unique lives and how we choose to spend our time can vary vastly. I now consider meditation self-maintenance rather than self-care. Viewing art once a week is self-maintenance for me. Often coupled by another maintenance activity, a destination walk. However, should I find myself in more than one museum, then the visits are self-care. Sleep is absolutely self-maintenance. A phone call to a friend with plenty of tears and laughter could be either self-maintenance or self-care depending on the friendship, the call’s purpose, and the timing.
It’s not always easy to distinguish the best ways to care for ourselves. I do believe that self-maintenance is still a form of care. Nonetheless, whether it’s self-maintenance or self-care, it’s an active statement that we matter.
Self-Care Tips (Or Suggestions):
Give a friend a call, or a text for a walk, coffee, a meet-up, or for a conversation. Make sure it’s someone with whom it’s natural and easy.
Start a savings account for something you want. It can be as small as $1 a week, or collect change in a jar. It all adds up if there’s a regular deposit, and it gives you something to look forward to that you earned yourself.
Find a way to volunteer. Find something you like so that it doesn’t feel like an obligation but a happy way to give to others. The season is upon us, so there are a lot of opportunities.
“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” That was a common idiom of our mother’s lexicon. She lived true to that statement. Even when she attempted to comment on something she disapproved of, she did her best to soften it. As a teen, I often was asked the question, “Janet, do you think that’s the most complementary outfit?“ Or it could have been make-up, pants, hair style or any other appearance-related observation. As a sensitive teen I was crushed no matter how much she tried to say it diplomatically.
I was not mature enough or confident enough to understand that we were separated by a generation, and our aesthetic tastes were informed by those differences. Nor did I appreciate that even when well-intended, a critique said in the most unobtrusively terms, can still be judgmental.
I learned that the hard way. I followed in my mother’s footsteps, not saying anything that wasn’t nice, but Larry and Alex, my husband and son, let me know that my expressions have screamed disapproval. So, though, “don’t say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say” is step one in being thoughtful, it by no means is enough.
I have had to learn to listen and see things from their point of view. I may be able to see that what they say or do isn’t right for me, but it is not my place to judge what is right for them, or anyone else, for that matter.
We’d all do better to focus on ourselves and what we can do to live our lives as best we can rather than determine how others should be living their lives. Whether we cast aspersions on others out loud or via facial expressions and body language, we are only indicating that we, ourselves, are intolerant or judgmental. And that is never a pretty look for anyone.
Self-Care Tips:
When you hear something that sparks negative feelings within you, do your best to set them aside as you listen to the other person so you can appreciate their perspective on choices they are making. You might learn something helpful rather than be reactionary, which usually changes nothing.
I suggest watching the docuseries Chimp Empire. On Netflix, if you have it It’s a relaxing view, while still creating a nice level of drama in the chimpanzees’ lives.
Since we are our own worst critics, see if you’re able to bring kindness and compassion when you’re feel critical of yourself, and do your best not to criticize yourself for not being kind enough.
There is a distinct feeling of “hygge’” a Danish word for contentment that comes from comfort and an easy friendliness, that perfectly describes the vibe we encountered in Copenhagen. Last week we had taken advantage of an Icelandair special to visit Copenhagen. I have always wanted to go to Nordic countries, but they seemed so remote. This deal with a stopover in Iceland was exactly what I needed to bridge the gap from a dream to a reality.
Throughout the years I’ve read food and travel blogs about Denmark and Copenhagen. And Copenhagen did not disappoint. The food was excellent. It’s so much fun to visit the outdoor markets, the covered markets, the cafes, the bakeries, and the restaurants. And, like New York, Copenhagen is a great walking city. Every chance I had I walked for miles, getting lost, finding myself in unknown neighborhoods or parks where there was always something new I encountered.
Our very first day in Copenhagen, jetlagged and hungry, we set off for a foodhall. The closest good one, we were told, was only one stop away on the “S” train. We dutifully walked the 15 minutes to the train station, bought our four-day pass for public transportation. The machine preferred European credit cards, so another ten minutes were spent trying to obtain our cards, but we prevailed. Next, we set off to find the S train, only to see that there were multiple tracks. We were flummoxed.
Luckily, a passerby helped us out and though we ended up on the Subway, we eventually found our way to the market. She was the first of many who embodied the hygge vibe. She was friendly, considered our request, and offered the best way she knew to get there. Even though we stopped others who had not known the directions we needed, all were kind, pausing from their morning commute to listen fully to our request. And, though it was our first hour in the city, there were many interactions that reflected the hygge mentality.
Right before we left for vacation, I had read a post that was critical of those who share their vacations on social media. She, the poster, saw it as bragging. It’s possible my posts can be perceived that way. Though not my intention, I do understand that traveling is a luxury, and it’s not always accessible to all. And, yet I love traveling and it’s an aspect of my life that always feels enriching. However, I did wonder if it was appropriate to share my travels.
After considering her post, I decided to share my experience. Travel means a lot to me. It gives me joy. Not only do I get a great deal out of traveling, the least of which was learning more about hygge on this trip, but I do bring back what I learn and do my best to apply it to my everyday life. I’m happy to be home. There is a hygge in sleeping in my comfortable bed, though I do miss the feather beds on our mattresses in Copenhagen. I am grateful to apply a new type of ease to my daily activities. There’s a good reason Denmark is the second happiest country in the world. I hope to visit Finland at some point, as that was rated number one. I look forward to seeing what I can learn on that trip.
Self-Care Tips:
If you listen to or read someone who has a very strong opinion, see if it applies to you. What they say is reflective of their point of view. So often we shut down our expressive selves because someone else says it’s not okay. Do your best to be okay with your choices and live your life fully as you, while not purposely hurting yourself or other. And understand not everyone will be okay with your choices, only you have to be okay with them.
Apply “Hygge” to your life. Find ways that bring ease and comfort. It’s simple but not always easy to take the path of least resistance.
Create a savings account for a specific goal or dream. For instance, I have a separate travel account. Even if your budget is small, set aside a dollar a week, less if that’s what’s needed. It can make the goal seem more real. There are many no fee apps and banks that allow for this type of account. Or you can use a specific change jar for a goal. This is great at any age.
It’s Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. The year is 5784. Back in 5734, in my teens, I worried about my clothes. Was I going to wear my new wool dress, or was the warm September day going to deem it irrelevant? I knew it was going to be a long day of prayer followed by a huge family meal. I went to Synagogue, but I did not feel at home in the dressy world of the fancy Schul. I felt more at home in the down-to-earth synagogue of my friends. But members paid dues, and there was no seat for me in their sanctuary.
Over the years I’ve moved away from observing in a house of worship. It can be a deeply meaningful experience for many, but I prefer to pray and meditate in private. Nonetheless, I do wish my Jewish friends & family, friends or family of other beliefs, acquaintances, and readers, a year filled with freedom from suffering. I wish you peace. I hope you enjoy a sweet New Year.
Self-Care Tips:
Enjoy the sweetness of honey to remind you of the sweetness in life. Tradition has us dipping slices of apple in honey, but feel free to create your own sweet reminder.
Try releasing something that’s been hard to let go of. It can be an item, or it can be an attitude. This will create new space for some peace of mind.
What does freedom from suffering look like to you? Like me, does that mean inserting more kindness and forgiveness for myself and others? Or does it mean taking an action that will allow for more ease? Don’t suffer in making a choice, just choose the best course for you and see if it relieves suffering.
When I was growing up summer was always book ended by the academic year’s completion in June and a new school year following Labor Day. In between were hot days at camp, or at home in the backyard under the sprinkler, with regular trips to Hidden Lake or the Haddontown Swim Club for substantial wet reprieve from the beating sun.
Here we are at this 2023 summer’s finale on this Labor Day weekend. The air is cooler as if a declaration that summer is at its end. In my teen and preteen years I would have been working at my father’s shoe store ringing up saddle shoes for the cheerleaders, parochial oxfords for local children attending Catholic schools, and Buster Browns for the public elementary school crowd.
There was anticipation in the air. We went to Korvettes or Grants to load up on school supplies, including Lego-sized sharpeners for our number 2 pencils. Figuring out what to wear on the first day was a pressing matter after first grade. Oh, how I loved my plaid wool skirt, with red fringe and a large gold-plated safety pin as an adornment. It was worn with a Danskin ribbed turtleneck, and red tights that never stayed up, causing me to waddle home at the end of that first day. I didn’t care. I loved that 60s fashion trend.
Now in my 60s, I appreciate those memories, and miss the clear delineation of seasons as signified by the school year. Time now is not marked by classes and tests. The year is of my making. Though I appreciate the freedom that allows, I do wax nostalgic for the endless summers and the structure of school in session.
AsI let go of this summer and welcome Autumn in all its glory, I hope you, too, can enjoy sweet memories while relishing the transformative Fall season.
Self-Care Tips:
Give yourself a break. If you have a “should” for this weekend or week, pause to see if it must get done, or whether you can put the “should” on pause and do something restful and/or fun instead.
Learn a new word, and when possible, use it. I can recommend “WordDaily.com. However, there are a good number of vocabulary apps and sites. This week featured the word “Disembogue,” meaning a river or stream flowing into the sea or a larger river.
Delete unwanted or unused app or apps from your phone. Or you can unsubscribe from mailing-lists you find annoying. Letting go of the junk emails, and ignored apps can feel like a reset.
Growing up my mother and her mother were sticklers for good manners. I made a point of saying please and thank you. I was afraid they would view me as rude, and I didn’t want that moniker. My grandmother would point out other children who might have been louder than us, or publicly whiny, and she’d use those children as cautionary tails of behavior we were to stringently avoid.
I appreciate good manners. Things can be pleasurably orderly when people stick to the rules, when the rules make sense for all. And I am always grateful for good manners. Yesterday, when I once again rode Park Avenue for Summer Streets, I made a point of thanking the police and the Department of Transportation volunteers and temp employees for being there. I was so grateful and happy to share that gratitude. All but one smiled back, and they were nice exchanges along the beautiful ride.
I was grateful I started out early so that the roads weren’t crowded. I was grateful for the cool morning air, a rarity in August. I had filled my tires so my ride was smooth. And to those that I thanked I may have seemed nice. But lurking underneath the gratitude and manners was a highly judgmental, cranky older woman. For the day I had become an architype. I was mad that some cyclists were in the right lanes, while some runners were in the left lanes. There was clear signage. Had I not been a shaky rider, I could imagine myself raising a fist each and every time I noted an interloper. I also wasn’t pleased when motor bikes vroomed down the supposedly gas-free streets.
In hindsight, I think these things scared me. I’m a tentative cyclist. I like empty roads without ruts. Smooth riding feels safer to me. If I give myself grace, I can now see that my righteous anger was a defense of my fears. And perhaps my fright isn’t specific to my bike ride. Maybe it’s global warming anxiety. Or a world in which people act out their fury in arbitrary ways. Or fear of an unknown future. Whatever the case I will do my best to ease my fears while living fully. I’ll continue to have good manners, a multigenerational practice. And I’ll check myself with care when my anger, judgment, and cantankerous nature peak out.
Self-Care Tips:
When angry, check to see if the strong emotion is protecting a more vulnerable part of you. If so, see if you can soothe yourself making room and a safe space for your frailer nature.
Challenge yourself in small ways by doing things that feels doable even if you’re a little bit afraid. It can be as small as a public bicycle ride in a busy city, stating a preference when you’re usually agreeable, or stepping out in a way right for you
Try reading or watching a genre that is new or different for you. I came to appreciate graphic novels, even if it’s not my go to. See if you might come to understand what others see in another genre.
What am I doing this weekend? Nothing special and everything essential. In an Instagram world of glamourous posts, my weekend is the antithesis of awesome. I started early to ensure I could easily access the washing machines needed for the weekly laundry. Luckily for me, it was a ghost town before 7 am, and I peacefully and quietly secured my machines and loaded them from the full hampers.
After I put the laundry in the dryer, bringing the hang-dry bag up to the apartment to, you guessed it, hang dry, I took Lucy out for a walk before the sun was beating too strongly on the sidewalks. It’s pleasant enough, but the humidity still clung in-between my skin and my summer cottons.
Then I ran some errands. I was at the post office, which was empty due to it being the first summer since the pandemic in which everyone is running to escape the city on weekends. Thank you, travelers, it’s so nice to enjoy a quiet corner of the city for a change. Next was a stop at the local farmers’ market. It seemed as if everyone who stayed in the city was buying up produce and baked goods. The lines were long. Some shoppers have routines in which they step in and out of line yet don’t communicate so those of us partially-patient while waiting are to assume they had a place somewhere and are now happy to go in front of us to procure their staples.
I got enough sleep last night and Lucy was set with treats, so I felt less agitated by those farmers’ market patrons. Sometimes, though, I can get annoyed. It was nice to have skipped over my reactivity this morning. Carrying my load, Lucy and I took the short walk back home. From there it was time for food prep. There’s something straightforward about cutting fruit and chopping vegetables.
Boring days like today are necessary to get through our lives. However, it’s only boring as a story. While ticking off these daily chores, it’s nice to accomplish small tasks. It’s satisfying to finish one small project and then the next. I was never bored. In fact, I appreciated the quiet time getting everything done. The mundane is not necessarily dull.
Self-care tips:
The next time someone asks, “What’s new?” See if you can easily and proudly share what you’ve been up to without having to exaggerate or only speak of the highlights.
Find the extraordinary in the ordinary. Often little things make a big difference.
Find something that combines humor and art. It could be poetry, fine art, a film, literature, or another type of artistry. It’s so much fun to laugh and be inspired simultaneously. It could be a Charlie Chaplin film, a Dorothy Parker poem, a Victor Borge video, any Judy Holliday movie, or choose something that suites your particular sense of humor.
janetzinn 