Category Archives: Flaws

Finding Peace, The Fifty-First Week in the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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This week I’m sharing some past sunsets.  Seeing sunrises and sunsets makes me smile.  Sunsets remind me that nothing is permanent.  And sunrises are an apt metaphor that we always have a chance at a new beginning.  Both sentiments give me some peace.  And we could all use peace.

Too often when thinking of global peace we think it’s up to world leaders.  Or we can feel the futility of hoping for peace.  It’s easy to feel powerless when there are wars in too many regions of the world. When anger and hate fill our media outlets peace can seem allusive.  As a child, as with many of us, we learned the lyrics “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.”  I sung that song by rote.  I didn’t really think of what I was saying.  I found the tune bland.  I was not inspired.  And, yet, now when I hear talk of peace, and other songs referencing peace, I’m uplifted.  

Perhaps we can start with a smile.  It’s a small act, but it’s something we can offer.  There is a happy meditation that suggests we smile when we breath.  It changes our perspective and allows us to feel a bit lighter in the process.  And when we share a smile it brightens up someone else’s day. In the past I might smile from time to time, feeling good when people smiled back.  Admittedly I was resentful, as if I wasted a smile, when a blank stare or an unsmiling face looked back at me.  But I can’t really know if it was a wasted smile.  They may have had a delayed reaction.  In that case, I wouldn’t have been privy to a positive impact.  These days, I do my best to simply smile.  I don’t always get a smile in return, but when I do, I am doubly happy.   

 I suggest we all start smiling.  It may be an act of disruption since there has been a trend towards frustration, ire, and apathy.  But we can pierce through the murkier emotions and land on a piece of peace. 

This is not to say we should deny our feelings and err on the side of looking on the bright side.  That does nothing but perpetuate the murkiness.  Instead, we can acknowledge how hard it’s been and still share a smile with ourselves and others.  News cycles always use fear and anger as their hook.  Let’s lead with a smile, letting kindness be the hook.  Let’s nourish our joy rather than feeding our fears.  It’s a small step that can lead to collective inner peace.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Take three deep breaths smiling while breathing.  See if it changes how you feel.  
  • Challenge yourself to smile at others and see how it feels.  What comes up for you when they smile back?  And what happens when they don’t respond positively?  Take note of your feelings.  Then challenge yourself again to share a smile.  
  • What makes you smile?  Remember to watch, read, listen to, or enjoy whatever makes you smile.  

Forgiveness, The Fiftieth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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As the year approaches its end, forgiveness is on my mind.  I find that forgiveness is a process, though I used to imagine it was a one and done affair.  I earnestly believed that I could forgive someone and then I’d be okay with them.  I found that not to be the case.  It was easier to forgive if the person made changes.  Meaning they either stopped the offending behavior, or they started acting in a way they had avoided prior. 

When I was younger, probably, post three-years-old and before I was forty, when I did something that was not thoughtful of another and then was found out, I begged for forgiveness.  I needed to be forgiven to feel I could go on.  This may have come because my mother, known to others as being kind, was particularly unforgiving to her daughters.  One year I snuck into her bedroom closet to see if she got me a smart doll I coveted.  I couldn’t find it, but she found me in the walk-in, and then I made up a pathetic lie.  

When Hanukkah arrived the following week, I watched my sisters and brother open their gifts as I craved something to unwrap.  For seven evenings I sat with them hoping that night would be the night I would be forgiven and be handed a present for the holiday.  She begrudgingly gave me a gift-wrapped box on the final night.  And I acted as if the plaid pajamas was the nicest thing I owned.  

Now I understand that she was raising four children on her own since my father worked so many hours. And I had robbed her of one of the few joys she had as a mother, surprising us with gifts she secretly picked up while we were in school.  Plus, she was an honest person and lying was something she couldn’t abide.  I don’t know if she ever forgave me, or if my father pressured her to give me one gift.  Or, if neither were true and I simply needed a new nightgown, but I hugged her as if my life depended on it. 

I understood the power of forgiveness.  I made a point of forgiving, or acting as if I had forgiven as I soothed my soul until I could forgive.  And then I learned how forgiveness is something we give ourselves.  It takes away the negative feelings we harbor.  It releases us from the past so we can live lighter having unencumbered ourselves of umbrage.  My mother and I enjoyed that freedom as I matured, and I was able to appreciate all she had given me.  

Forgiving is not forgetting.  Forgiving is about not weaponizing past behaviors, of others or ourselves.  Forgiveness is an act of self-love.    We care enough about ourselves that we will not allow the past to hold us down.  And, yes, it’s a process.  Sometimes I have forgiven Larry, my husband, because he hadn’t thought of me when I wanted to be considered.  But I was not ready to let him know I forgave him.  I was still processing that forgiveness.  I knew I was in the final stages when I found my sense of humor and could own my part in our dynamic.  

And, though there is so much more to forgiveness, please forgive me for this short set of thoughts at the end of this year when too many have experienced way too much hurt.  For more on the subject, Harriet Lerner’s Why Won’t You Apologize is an excellent book on the subject.  

May we all find lightness of being by unshackling the burdens of our resentments.  Warm wishes this holiday season wherever you are in your path of forgiveness.  

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Read, reread, or listen to Harriet Lerner’s Why Won’t You Apologize.  Or listen to her TED talk:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5r6Y9uhmL6Y
  • If you’d like to forgive, have compassion for the pain and upset you’re experiencing.  Caring for yourself is an important step in forgiveness.  Malachy McCourt’s quote is a great reminder of the power of forgiveness: “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  
  • Taking action in the service of others, like donating to a beloved non-profit, volunteering, being kind to a stranger, are great ways to work on self-forgiveness.  

The Arts, The Forty-Ninth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I’m sitting here watching Barbra Streisand on PBS in her Back to Brooklyn concert.  The first time I heard her voice was in 1968 when the movie Funny Girl came out.  I was enthralled, though I wouldn’t have known that word as an eight-year-old.  Since then I’ve been a fan, attending her movies, and watching her tv specials.  I only had the opportunity to see her in-person once when she came back to Brooklyn in 2016.  It was magical.  

This week I had the great privilege of attending a performance of the Alvin Ailey Dance Company at City Center.  It’s been a while since I saw them last.  The powerful bodies dancing with strength and beauty is a sight to behold.  

The arts are essential.  Not only do they transform us to higher heights, but they expand our sense of self and the world.   I’ve been on a high this week after attending the dance performance.  And now, to listen to Barbra’s voice, I am in awe.  

There were a number of boring afternoons in elementary school when we went on field trips to the Philadelphia Museum.  However it piqued my curiosity about the artwork that spoke to me, like Rodin’s The Thinker, and Van Gogh’s Sunflowers.  Since then I’m an avid museum and gallery goer.  

I’m so grateful to live in one of the best cities in the world, especially when it comes to the arts.  I still get excited to attend the theater, enter a gallery, or see live music.  I believe that the eight-year-old in me finds her joy when I take her to the movies, a show, a concert, a dance performance, or an art exhibit.  And my present self joins her in joy and gratitude. 

Self-Care Tips: 

  • Watch Back to Brooklyn on PBS.  Or, if you prefer to see someone different go to YouTube or Netflix.
  • Go to a local art gallery.  If not, go to https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection to see some online Met pieces.  Or, during the pandemic art institutions worldwide created online galleries to view their art.  Choose one and see what they offer online.  
  • See if you can attend a dance performance near you.  Or, watch Revelations by Alvin Ailey here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDXerubF4I4.  

Ahhh, Naps, The Forty-Eighth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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Napping was my top priority this past week.  They were usually twenty to thirty minutes max.  They made a tremendous difference in my mood.  I was able to get through the week with a greater capacity for patience.  I had more room for the things that usually get under my skin, like loud car horns in grid lock, or the annoying overspill from packages protected with shredded paper or other messy stuffing. 

There’s nothing like a good nap.  It can be rejuvenating, especially when it’s been a long day and I’ve been short on sleep.  This past week rest was in order.  Life is full, which is wonderful, however, I need to pace myself.  Previously the learning curve has been slow going when it comes to pacing.  So, to get into a supportive pace I took naps where and when I could fit them in.  

I know I need the sleep when it’s so easy to fall asleep and I feel refreshed upon waking. For years I’ve prioritized movement over rest.  Now I’m working on finding a balance so that I am energized when in motion and I am naturally tired at the end of the day, allowing for a restful night.  Stress can interfere with sleep.  And there’s been no lack of stress for so many of us these last months and even years.  

I may not be able to control the amount of stressful circumstances that come my way, but the napping helps me to handle it better than when I’m sleep deprived.  As a moody person, I will continue to minimize the low moods by getting the naps I need.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Close your eyes.  If it’s an easy moment, open them again and see if you can look at the surrounding space differently.  Maybe you can notice something you didn’t see before.  
  • Close your eyes.  If you automatically feel sleepy, think if you cannot do something so that you can take a short nap. 
  •  Close Your eyes.  Imagine a world in which kindness, respect and peace are everyday norms.  Then as best you can, embody those values throughout your day.   

Spilled Coffee, The Forty-Seventh Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I spilled my coffee earlier this week.  And I then let out a loud string of expletives to vocalize my frustration.  I cleaned up the mess and then rushed to work.  Not the way I had wanted to start my day.  My reaction, though provoked,  made it clear that I need some down time.  It may not be the vacation that I’ve fantasized, but even an evening in, or a task free afternoon will do at this point.  

To that end, this will be a brief post.  I will not be replying to comments.  I will be choosing to do less.  Since I have a history of blurry boundaries, stating this upfront may seem clumsy, but at least I’m stating what I need.  

Too many of us, particularly women and marginalized populations, try to keep up, which can keep us down.  I invite you to join me in taking time off, even a fifteen-minute break.  Perhaps if enough of us did that we would see less negative reactivity in our worlds.  Less acting out.  

Taking a time out, which for this adult is a gift not a punishment, will allow me the space and time to regroup.  So if I spill my coffee again, I may be able to offer one expletive, rather than an endless string.  Then I hope to simply get a towel and soak up the liquid.   

  • Should you notice you’re more reactive, find time for a short break, or, if possible, take a longer period of time off.  
  • Before making more commitments, say, “I’ll think about it.”  If you’d still like to do it, and it’s not an obligation, you can get back to them and say yes.  However, if it doesn’t bring you joy when thinking of the potential commitment, see if you can abstain from saying yes.  
  • If someone reacts in an upsetting way, try not to  join them.  Wait until a later date to let them know how that reaction impacted you.  This way you have a chance of being heard and understood. 

Consciously Unconscious, The Forty-Fifth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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I was taken off guard.   I thought I was going through present difficulties consciously.  I was meditating.  I was practicing gratitude.  I was reaching out to friends.  And, yet the combination of a dear friend dying while adjusting to Larry, my husband, having a serious injury, along with the horrific world events, had me spiral so that I made poor choices, acted impulsively, inadvertently hurt others, all while losing sleep.  My reactivity was to repeat the pattern these last two weeks.  

If I hurt you, I am very sorry. It is said that we can do better when we know better.  It would have seemed that I knew better.  I did not.  I was in a fog of denial that prolonged my suffering.  I wish I could say that I was kinder and gentler after I hurt others. Sadly that was not the case.  It was only when I was being so hard on myself that I recognized very old behavior.

There is a hubris in believing that we are immune to unconscious behavior if we’re “doing all the right things.”  Being human is a process of uncovering our unconscious parts.  It took a trifecta of stressors to have me dig deeper.  Boy, am I humbled.  

Since I am in the middle of learning what I have to learn to grow now, I have no wisdom to impart.  I suppose I can share that we don’t know what we don’t know.  I am hoping to continue the learning process so that I do know better and therefore can be better.  These present life lessons are knockouts.  I am getting up slowly to face them, hopefully with more compassion and kindness.  I need that now.  From what I’m seeing, we all need that now.  

Self-Care Tips: 

  • If you are being hard on yourself, pause.  Ask yourself what’s upsetting you?  Is hurting yourself with thoughts familiar to you?  Has it worked?  (It’s never helped me feel better.)  What can you do that includes self-compassion and kindness?  Then try it.  
  • If you find you’re very reactive, getting upset easily, understand that these times might be hard for you.  See if you can give yourself a break.  When necessary warn those around you that you’re sorry but you may get upset easily.  And when that happens take the time to repair the damage if others are amenable.
  •   Forgive yourself. We’re all human.  We can learn so much from feeling shame, ending the cycle of being mean to ourselves because we made troubling mistakes.  That is how we learn and grow. 

I am a Jewish Psychotherapist, The Forty-First Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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Do I speak of the unspeakable?  This past week marks a tragic low in inhumane acts.  I cannot get my head around it.  As a Jewish psychotherapist I am in a similar position as I was when we faced the pandemic.  I am going through something that I am also hearing from my clients.  The sadness, along with so many other emotions, have been omnipresent this past week.  

Since there are so many experts writing and speaking about the issues surrounding the terrorist attacks, I will not even try to address it head on.  What I can speak to is how now more than ever we can attend to our mental health.  We can care for ourselves with the utmost respect.  We can be gentle and kind.  Patience is required as we may seek out numbing agents or distractions while feeling emotionally overwhelmed. 

Taking life slowly for the moment may allow for processing the pain while creating openings for the small joys of any given day.  Walks have felt particularly therapeutic to me.  I have gone to take in artwork, and I am listening to more soulful music. Rest has been mildly restorative at the end of my days and at the conclusion of my work week.  I hope you will find the people and things that comfort you.  As citizens of the world we are all impacted one way or another by this and other atrocities.    

I pray for accord and wish for every innocent person to thrive on a peaceful planet.   

Self-Care Tips:  

  • Move slowly through the world.  The movement will help with stress release, and being embodied helps locate and address your current experience.  Gentle stretching, walking in nature, dancing to music that moves you are all suggestions for your body and soul.  
  • Reach out to those you care about.  Ask how people are doing.  If you’re overloaded, no need to ask, you can simply let them know you’re thinking of them. 
  • Pray and meditate.  If you are a non-believer prayer can simply be taking in the world around you. Become acquainted with your inner and outer selves as we heal individually, and ultimately ,we heal for all humanity.  

What is Self-Care? The Fortieth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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When I was growing up in suburban New Jersey I didn’t know anything about self-care.  The first experience I had that felt like self-care was when my mom treated me to a facial at Strawbridge and Clothier.  They were having a special promotion.  Although I couldn’t control my weigh, we could try to tackle my acne this one time.  

Though the focus was to improve my skin, It felt luxurious to have an aesthetician apply steam to my face followed by a facial massage then rich creams applied with gentle fingers. This was so different from the daily Strident Pads and mismatched Clearasil routine I’d become accustomed to.   

The facial came with an unexpected make-over. I was beside myself with glee as I felt pampered in a way I had never experienced.  When finished I looked much older than my fourteen years with the make-up, but I felt like a new person.  A temporarily, sophisticated young woman who got facials.  This felt like a real treat.  

But following that one Saturday, the idea of self-care remained a mere memory for decades.  Then in my thirties as I attended mental health workshops and retreats, I was reintroduced to the idea of self-care.  

Self-care is not the same for everyone.  It’s why I make suggestions rather than state that there are only certain ways to care for oneself.  For many facials are a part of their self-maintenance. For me facials will always be a self-care activity, a rare treat while on vacation.  There is a distinction between self-care and self-maintenance.  And it is different for each of us 

We all live unique lives and how we choose to spend our time can vary vastly.  I now consider meditation self-maintenance rather than self-care.  Viewing art once a week is self-maintenance for me.  Often coupled by another maintenance activity, a destination walk.  However, should I find myself in more than one museum, then the visits are self-care.  Sleep is absolutely self-maintenance.  A phone call to a friend with plenty of tears and laughter could be either self-maintenance or self-care depending on the friendship, the call’s purpose, and the timing.  

It’s not always easy to distinguish the best ways to care for ourselves.  I do believe that self-maintenance is still a form of care.   Nonetheless, whether it’s self-maintenance or self-care, it’s an active statement that we matter.  

Self-Care Tips (Or Suggestions):

  • Give a friend a call, or a text for a walk, coffee, a meet-up, or for a conversation.  Make sure it’s someone with whom it’s natural and easy.  
  • Start a savings account for something you want.  It can be as small as $1 a week, or collect change in a jar.  It all adds up if there’s a regular deposit, and it gives you something to look forward to that you earned yourself.  
  • Find a way to volunteer.  Find something you like so that it doesn’t feel like an obligation but a happy way to give to others.  The season is upon us, so there are a lot of opportunities.  

Saying Nothing, The Thirty-Ninth Week in the Second Year of the New Abnormal

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“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  That was a common idiom of our mother’s lexicon.   She lived true to that statement.  Even when she attempted to comment on something she disapproved of, she did her best to soften it.  As a teen, I often was asked the question, “Janet, do you think that’s the most complementary outfit?“  Or it could have been make-up, pants, hair style or any other appearance-related observation.  As a sensitive teen I was crushed no matter how much she tried to say it diplomatically.   

I was not mature enough or confident enough to understand that we were separated by a generation, and our aesthetic tastes were informed by those differences.  Nor did I appreciate that even when well-intended, a critique said in the most unobtrusively terms, can still be judgmental.

I learned that the hard way.  I followed in my mother’s footsteps, not saying anything that wasn’t nice, but Larry and Alex, my husband and son, let me know that my expressions have screamed disapproval.  So, though, “don’t say anything if you don’t have anything nice to say” is step one in being thoughtful, it by no means is enough.  

I have had to learn to listen and see things from their point of view.  I may be able to see that what they say or do isn’t right for me, but it is not my place to judge what is right for them, or anyone else, for that matter.  

We’d all do better to focus on ourselves and what we can do to live our lives as best we can rather than determine how others should be living their lives.  Whether we cast aspersions on others out loud or via facial expressions and body language, we are only indicating that we, ourselves, are intolerant or judgmental. And that is never a pretty look for anyone.    

Self-Care Tips:

  • When you hear something that sparks negative feelings within you, do your best to set them aside as you listen to the other person so you can appreciate their perspective on choices they are making.  You might learn something helpful rather than be reactionary, which usually changes nothing. 
  • I suggest watching the docuseries Chimp Empire. On Netflix, if you have it  It’s a relaxing view, while still creating a nice level of drama in the chimpanzees’ lives.  
  • Since we are our own worst critics, see if you’re able to bring kindness and compassion when you’re feel critical of yourself, and do your best not to criticize yourself for not being kind enough.  

Labor Day Weekend, The Thirty-Fifth Week of the Second Year in the New Abnormal

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When I was growing up summer was always book ended by the academic year’s completion in June and a new school year following Labor Day.  In between were hot days at camp, or at home in the backyard under the sprinkler, with regular trips to Hidden Lake or the Haddontown Swim Club for substantial wet reprieve from the beating sun.  

Here we are at this 2023 summer’s finale on this Labor Day weekend.  The air is cooler as if a declaration that summer is at its end.   In my teen and preteen years I would have been working at my father’s shoe store ringing up saddle shoes for the cheerleaders, parochial oxfords for local children attending Catholic schools, and Buster Browns for the public elementary school crowd. 

There was anticipation in the air.  We went to Korvettes or Grants to load up on school supplies, including Lego-sized sharpeners for our number 2 pencils.  Figuring out what to wear on the first day was a pressing matter after first grade.  Oh, how I loved my plaid wool skirt, with red fringe and a large gold-plated safety pin as an adornment.  It was worn with a Danskin ribbed turtleneck, and red tights that never stayed up, causing me to waddle home at the end of that first day.  I didn’t care.  I loved that 60s fashion trend.  

Now in my 60s, I appreciate those memories, and miss the clear delineation of seasons as signified by the school year.  Time now is not marked by classes and tests.  The year is of my making.  Though I appreciate the freedom that allows, I do wax nostalgic for the endless summers and the structure of school in session.  

As I let go of this summer and welcome Autumn in all its glory, I hope you, too, can enjoy sweet memories while relishing the transformative Fall season.  

Self-Care Tips:

  • Give yourself a break.  If you have a “should” for this weekend or week, pause to see if it must get done, or whether you can put the “should” on pause and do something restful and/or fun instead.  
  • Learn a new word, and when possible, use it.   I can recommend “WordDaily.com. However, there are a good number of vocabulary apps and sites.  This week featured the word “Disembogue,” meaning a river or stream flowing into the sea or a larger river.  
  • Delete unwanted or unused app or apps from your phone.  Or you can unsubscribe from  mailing-lists you find annoying.  Letting go of the junk emails, and ignored apps can feel like a reset.